This is going to be my second summer in recovery and I am still working on my physical boundaries with “the public” in terms of what to show and what not to show, as I have a problem with the scars left over from my years and years of self-abuse. I officially started my road to recovery in June 2007.
I am doing better with my personal boundaries with myself. For example, I can now wear short sleeves around my apartment alone (this used to be impossible) and I wear long capri pants out in public — otherwise, it is always long sleeves. I can’t bring myself to wear shorts in private or public yet. Taking a bath or soaking in the tub still makes me nausated…. urr… I am not fully comfortable with looking at my own skin.
Swimming is my goal for the summer. I used to LOVE to swim! My apartment complex has a beautiful pool and it is right outside my window, but of course because of my physical appearance… it has never been possible. Now I am dealing with the scars and my desire to finally get back into the water. I am thinking about going swimming first thing in the morning when I get off work (I work all night) or possibly swimming after dark before I go into work at midnight, then people would be less likely to see me.
I have serious issues with others “seeing my scars”. I totally freak out if I know a child might see them, so swimming in public-public isn’t an option yet. I told one of my friends today who has a pool that I was going to buy a swimsuit this summer. She knows I am in recovery and last summer when she had a pool party at her house, she saw me sit out of the pool… despite what it was obvious I wanted to do. I think I have also found someone who will go swimsuit shopping with me.
This is soooo huge for me and I am scared, but I know I need to start expanding my boundaries with my skin.
– How do you face your “skin boundaries” with others?
– How is the summer time making it easier or more difficult?
I have issues with this too. I will wear short sleeves, but I am constantly keeping my arms turned so that people can’t see them. I’m also in recovery, but I’ve relapsed lately and it has been very difficult. I very seldom wear shorts except at home, but I’m getting better.
My biggest problem: my wedding. I refuse to get married during the summer because I want long sleeves and a long dress to cover the scars. My fiance knows all about my problem, but he just doesn’t understand. He keeps telling me something that I am FINALLY beginning to realize. My scars are just that…mine. Other people may notice them, but they don’t pay anywhere near as much attention to them as I do.
Good luck. You are making progress and right now that is what matters. I’m not sure what recovery process you are going through, but I am involved in Celebrate Recovery, which is a Christ-centered 12 step program and it has made a world of difference. Good luck on your road, and remember that you are never alone.
there are swimsuits with sleeves u know and i have a problem with people that i know will see my scars…. >.<
I know about Celebrate Recovery (CR) and I used to be involved with it, just couldn’t “progress” at the rate of the rest of the group — so I had to stop going to Step Study before the end of Book 1. I was going every week until I just couldn’t do the questions completely because I wasn’t here spiritually “enough”. We also do not have enough people for sponsors and our director was not really ***keen*** on those with self-injury issues, it was rather taboo. The local chaper here doesn’t have enough people to have the main meeting anymore, they just have Step Study.
I still have the books and I have BOTH Bibles, in addition to my old Bible. Faith is where I am struggling, but I firmly believe in the process of 12 step with grace being something we can’t earn or ever deserve — merely accept.
I really want to give CR another try….. I just don’t have the baseline support it requires, at least not yet.
Have you done the Step Study in addition to the regular meetings? Just curious about your experiences with it. Feel free to contact me if you would prefer to discuss this off of this main site: purpleagent711@sbcglobal.net I would love to know more about how your experience in the program helped you better deal with self-injury, especially since my experiences were limited and rather tainted with a director who didn’t really care much for those of us who hurt ourselves this way.
Diggory
You always have a choice, even if it is only a choice of your attitude
I suppose where I need to decide is where I stand on offending others or being honest with others. There is a difference between flaunting scars and just showing them.