When I started going to therapy at my school my therapist asked what my goals were. I told her that I wanted to stop injuring and figure why I am so sad so that I can fix it. Even though it was my goal to begin with, I never fully made the choice to stop. The frequency went down and I have made great strides, but it never fully stopped.
Last Monday, I was on campus doing homework and I was slightly sad/kinda normal. When I got home at 8, I had a few messages from my work asking where I was because I had missed my 1-9 shift. I had no idea that I was supposed to work that day. I pretty much blew this isolated incident out of proportion and used it as proof in my mind that I am worth nothing. I couldn’t stand how much I hated myself and had this intense urge to punish myself. I injured myself a lot. Afterwards I was really scared because I felt completely out of control. I called my friend Angie and started crying. She picked me up and I spent the night at her house.
I never want to feel that way again. Lately every time I give in to the urge to injure, it gets worse. I think because I try so hard not to during the week, when I actually allow myself to, I go full-out. This is why I have decided that I am never going to injure again. I recognize that I will probably have slip-ups and I am not setting my self up for disappointment. I am just fully committing myself to recovery. I know I can do it. I just need to be prepared for feeling uncomfortable and probably really really sad but I’ll get through it. I have to do this because the alternative is just too frightening.