Every site I look at talks about incest or sexual abuse to trigger the injuring and I never experienced that. I was the golden child, the one that was used as the “why aren’t you like this” child. My mom and my sister are both over-weight. They aren’t the reason that I injure or do any of the other things that I do. I have tattoos and I have only gotten them when the emotional pain was too great to deal with. I don’t injure on a “regular” basis. I injure when I feel like I can’t let go or hold on to my emotions any more. I have developed a very high tolerence for pain and it’s probably not healthy. What hurts most people doesn’t hurt me. I have an addiction to pain pills, alcohol and pain. Where does that put me in this neat little injurers world? I injure in many ways, and yet lead an otherwise normal healthy life. My life doesn’t seem fine when I injure anymore because I know that life throws harder punches than I can ever throw. I don’t know what every one else has experienced but I know what I have. I know it’s harder than HELL to stand across from a burning building and pray that everyone got out ok only to find out the next day that someone you care about was in that building and died on the same day that you held a dear friends hand and told him it was ok to let go. So in one swoop 2 are gone. I didn’t face it. I couldn’t face it. I lost 6 people in a year, all back to back. My injuring isn’t a result of incest, it’s a result of never being told it’s okay to fully let go of your emotions. Of always being afraid that I was going to be the same as my mom and sister. Of always needing to be strong and in control. If I can’t control my eating and injuring who can? There are so many factors that need to be considered when dealing with someone with this “disease” doctor’s aren’t even sure how to really deal with it. |
i completely understand what you mean about the majority of explanations for SI being physical or sexual abuse…i am an injurer and have been for about 15 years. i was not physically or sexually abused, i was just always told to suppress my emotions. i wasn’t supposed to show anger or sadness. i remember specifically my mom always telling me to stop being such a wimp whenever i would cry…which wasn’t often. and i was the “good and intelligent” child. i “had everything going for me” and then when i finally got out of my parents house i lost complete control. i got into heavy drugs and alcohol (actually i started using and drinking while i was in high school but that was a “family secret” because i never did anything wrong). then i started getting tattoos and piercings…i’m so stoked that i’m going to be getting my back started on may 1st…i am currently trying (for the millionth time) to “get better” and am even going to try getting back on meds….but i don’t deal with death well at all and i know why…i don’t deal with my emotions well…and again i know why. i am a perfectionist and always need to be in control…even when i am completely out of control i know that it was me that got myself there and i will “deal” with it when i come down. i was always the strong independent one in my family. i hid everything from my parents for almost 8 years…and now they’ve had almost another 8 years to try to understand and they still aren’t there yet…but they’re trying. that means a lot…but as for doctors…they’re so easily manipulated. this “disease” and any that are associated with it don’t always have visible causes that can be seen…they can only treat what you tell them about and it’s never really the whole truth…at least it never has been from me…i’m not comfortable with being that vulnerable to someone i don’t know….i don’t know why i am posting this really other than that when i read what you wrote it got to me…i identified with it and it’s so nice to hear you’re not alone…
First of all, I think you’re a very brave woman. Losing that many people in a short amount of time is devastating. Consider that yes, many texts will say that sexual abuse is the culprit of SI, but really, it’s more like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). If you’ve been involved in a really trumatic event, such as war (where you lose people like you did), SI may be a result of dealing with that event. For me, it was being witness to and victem of physical abuse as a child. Like you, I know I was never sexually abused; and, like you, I have issues with my weight and not wanting to be large like my mom. Eating disorders are a type of self-harm. I hope we can both get help with our difficulties though this site/institution. Also, try once in a while to pat yourself on the back for having experienced these traumatic events and continuing to seek help. You could have just given up, but you didn’t–that counts for a lot.