I don’t know what was going on in my head on friday. My best friend is like me in that she gets very depressed and anxious. Sometimes we’ll have our crazy days together. They don’t happen very often anymore but friday was one of them. I was doing so good last week too. I only injured myself once which is big progress for me. I was really depressed but I was working through it.
So on friday my best friend visited me at school. I was in a normal/slightly sad state. My friends and I were having a picnic and she joined us. She was sad and was using food to fill the void. My friends thought it was funny that this thin, beautiful, keira knightly lookalike was eating so much. After the picnic, she wanted to eat more so I took her to the student union where she ate Taco Bell. She said what she really wanted was some chicken fingers from Caine’s so we went there. I know she didn’t mean to but her being down completely drug me down with her. I had been doing good on my diet but I ate some chicken tenders and fries. Even though by this time several hours had passed from the picnic and it was okay for me to be eating because I was hungry, I still felt really bad about it. I didn’t want to give my professors a reason to cut me from the acting program.
So basically we were really sad and in crazy moods. When we are like this, we encourage self-destructive behaviors. We try not to but it happens. First she went in the bathroom and purged. Then I did. We even recognized in the moment that this was not healthy behavior. Normal people try to stop their friends from little bouts of bulimia, not wait patiently and then go take their turn.
I told her I was gonna go injure myself in the bathroom. She said she wanted to try it and asked if I would do it for her. I said hell no and told her not to start doing that. She said it wasn’t a big deal that she just wanted to try it once. I know how this sounds. It is so stupid. I guess it is different being in the moment then reading about it. Then I said I was going and she asked if she could watch.
So she totally watched me injure mself. I felt really uncomfortable with her there but then I just didn’t care. Then she injured her arm and I told her to stop. She got me some bandaides and then we left.
We were still in self-destruction mode so I was trying to get my shift covered on Sunday so that we could roll on some ecstasy Saturday night. Thank God I couldn’t because we haven’t done drugs for a long time and didn’t want to start again. On Sunday we worked together and she was really sad again. I was sad too but not as bad.
This whole situation has made me feel disgusted by myself. I should have told her no at Caine’s. I should have not hurt myself both times. I should have gotten out my chart or journaled or called Angie or done something to try and talk sense into myself. I kind of want to tell my therapist about this on Thursday but I don’t think I could say it out loud. Your perspective is so different being in those moods and in those situations then when you are a bit saner and are repeating it to an emotionally healthy person. I don’t know what to do.