When I was at SAFE I can recall people telling me to be prepared for more intense urges and feeling worse after you left than when you came in because of everything you start to work on while your there. And when I came back my therapist told me also to be prepared for things to get harder before they get better. I understand to prepare for the worst but hope for the best I just feel that this is all very negative thinking. I felt great when I got home a week ago and I still feel really great. I can’t recall having any urges in fact just passing thoughts of Self Injury. More like my mind being like “hey you remember that thing we used to do?” Nothing intense at all. But I logged it anyway just to keep in the practice. Even did preparing for the weekend.
The medication they started me on their has been more beneficial than any other anti-depressant I’ve ever been on. The tools and skills they gave me have worked better than anything past that I have learned. And each day that goes by I really just face moment to moment. My mom was ruminating over something and I taught her the “container” method my therapist at SAFE had taught me and helped her to process some feelings she was having. She was amazed at my insight and help and was able to relax after we talked. Why do people keep telling me to be “prepared” for the bad times? If they come they come and when they do I’ll have to face it how I have everything else. Moment to moment. Wether it’s a disaster or an urge, depression or emotional pain, I’ll face it and cope.
I think the only part that is kind of bothering me is how few friends I actually have. No one to talk to around here. There’s two ex boyfriends who still call to say hi. Then my ex-husbands ex-girlfriend still calls to say hi. And one guy friend from when I was a teenager I talk to like once a month. But I never see any of these people really. My one best friend went crazy on the phone at me for some random distorted notion while I was in the hotel in Texas and decided she hated me so I dont even have her anymore. Other than that there’s my mom and my mother in law but I dont really open up to them like I would to a close friend.
So I guess I’m just lonely at home with my two little boys. We have fun and I’ve been nurturing myself at night when they go to bed with bubble baths and journaling and relaxing. Im happy to be home and Im happy at this change in my thinking and Im happy to be on the right medication. It’s just sometimes hard to be alone all the time with no car and no job and no money.
I guess all I can really remind myself is “This too shall pass.”
Thanks for listening.