I am a nineteen-year-old theatre major and have started injuring myself a few months ago.  I am in counselling at my school. I have gone three times and tomorrow makes four. I get ten sessions free because my therapist is a grad student. Going to therapy has helped my injuring by making it less frequent.  She’s having me log my urges on a chart that says:

1.) Day/Time 2.) Situation 3.) Emotions 4.)Intensity of desire to SI 5.)Injure? If yes, how many times? 6.) How surfed the urge?

 I feel bad about injuring the day before yesterday but when I look at my chart, I’m pretty proud that I surfed the urge five out of six times.

This weekend and Monday were very bad for me. I was terribly depressed and I felt like it would never end. What was scary was all the suicidal thoughts I was having. I couldn’t concentrate at all in my Voice and Movement class. I can’t stand the thought of my emotional problems interfering with school. I am in a competitive theatre department and at the end of the year i have to audition to go on to the next group of classes. They are going to cut half of us. If you aren’t chosen, you can either repeat the year or change your major. I am very stressed about it. I want to do well but I am sad all the time and am finding it increasingly more difficult to stay on track.

 I am not clinically depressed so I don’t know what is wrong with me. For a year I didn’t care about myself and was doing drugs all the time. I know that’s a big part of it. My therapist says our thoughts control our feelings which control our behavior. It’s really hard to come up with answers when she asks me to remember what I’m thinking during depressive episodes. My emotions are a big mystery.

 Anyway so that’s my story. I only have the internet at school but I’ll be happy to talk to anyone that wants to.