I haven’t written anything on here before, so I thought I would share a little about me.
I’m seperated and have 2 kids, last year I started injuring. There was alot of stress in my life and my husband got hooked on drugs. I had no true friends and no one to help me through the hard times. I hated and blamed myself for everything that was happening in my marriage.I didn’t know that there were people out here that could share my feelings until I found this site. I have stopped injuring for 2 months now, but it’s hard and everyday I want too. I made a good friend and he has helped me through the worst of it though. He is my encouragement, and most days my salvation. I wrote a story for him and I would like to share it here with you.
It’s called ……Love of a Friend…..
and yes he is more than a friend now,he is my very own angel, and I love him for just being him
“I look at you and ask “Would you come and keep me company while I take my bath?” I say this with a twinkle in my eye. I just want to talk nothing more.”
You follow me to the bathroom, and notice I already have the water run and there are so many bubbles they are trying to escape over the sides. You can smell the sweet scent they carry.
“I took this part out”…so I’m in the tub and….
You come over and lower yourself to the floor, so you can sit and look into my face. You sense there is something wrong as you look into my eyes. You don’t like what you see there and have an urge to make things better.
You can’t take the silence any longer and say to me “Love, what’s wrong?”
I don’t answer right away, I can’t, I’m to sad. I lower my head, I don’t want you to see my face
I raise my head back up to look at you. I take such a long time to say anything that you reach over and tenderly rub your fingers across my cheek.
You lean your head closer to mine and whisper “Please tell me what’s wrong, and I will try to make it better for you.”
You watch as one tear escapes and rolls down my cheek, you lean in and kiss it away.
I look at you then and say “Do you remember when you said, You loved the person for who they are and not how they look?” You nod your head once.
I start to slide the bubbles off of my upper left leg. I watch your face as I do this. I see your eyes clearly and I see different emotions go through them. Anger, hate, disbelief and worry. I watch you look at all the little white scars on my slightly tanned leg. They show up good against the light brown color. There are even a few that look to be slightly bruised. They are the ones that still have that new look.
You reach out slowly, as if to touch them, only to stop right before you do.
You look at me and ask “Did he do this to you?”
I shake my head no as another tear slides down my face. I say “I did this to me.”
I can’t look at you any longer, I don’t want to see the disappointment in your eyes. I look away, and the tears are flowing so freely now that my vision is blurred. I don’t know what you are feeling, I’m to afraid to ask. I don’t know how to tell you that at one time I felt that everything in my marriage was my fault. That one day I just couldn’t handle any more pain and hurt and feelings to unbearable anymore. So I shut down, I started feeling nothing, not joy or happiness, nor anger or pain. I couldn’t let myself feel anything, because sometimes , you have to , just to survive another day.
But, I soon found out I couldn’t even enjoy the things I should be. I couldn’t even share a smile with my kids. So I started taking long baths just to be by myself. One night I started crying and couldn’t stop. I felt like I was being ripped apart piece by piece. I hated myself for things that weren’t my fault.
I found a tool and injured myself. I don’t know why, I just did. Somehow, I stopped crying, I could breath again and I felt different. I hated what I had done, but I got out of the tub and cleaned up. When I went back to the living room, I smiled at my son and thought to myself “I can’t keep going on like this”
How do you tell someone what horrible things you are doing to yourself, just so that you can stand to see another morning, How do you tell someone that these very things that you do to yourself is the only thing that keeps you from not doing something worse?
How do you tell someone that you feel totally worthless, that you have finally found out that the value of your sanity and life, means no more to the one who says he loves you more than anything else, than a scrap of paper thrown down ready to be put in the garbage. How do I look at you and explain all this and explain that doing those horrible things to myself, was my only salvation at the time. How can I look in your eyes and tell you that every night for months I would injured myself repeatedly and never flinch, only to be able to love and feel the love of my kids again. Because not feeling love is just as bad as feeling it sometimes. But with the love ,all the other emotions came back. But when I hurt myself I could keep all the other bad emotions away. I had found a way to live through each new day. As ugly as that sounds.
I want to just slide on down in the water and never have to see the look you must have on your face. I can’t though, I have lived to long with the pain, and the promise of true love one day. I know that you don’t understand how someone does something like this, and I want to reassure you, but I don’t know how.
I look up into your face begging for something, I don’t know what. Maybe just a sign that you are still my friend, my confidant, the very one who got me to stop hating myself and didn’t even realize it.
I owe so much to you, and yet you don’t even realize it. I am happier now and I don’t punish myself anymore and most days I even like me again. And every time I look at my legs and see all those little white scars I can think about what I did, only now when I look at them, all I see is just a part of my life I don’t ever want to live through again. I don’t hate myself for it, I just accept it now.
I just sit there in the tub surrounded by my bubbles and wait for you to say something. I look up to see your eyes, to tell you I love you and it’s ok to feel anything that you are feeling. Nothing you say can hurt me. Because anything you say, I have probably already said it to myself. You are the one person who could be totally honest with me ,no matter how painful and I would still love you.
I know you will never understand this, and I pray that you don’t. Because that would mean someone has hurt you in the same way I was hurt.
I look at you and pray quietly that you never have to know those feeling that I felt. I only wanted to show you my scars so you will know your true value to me. Because of you I am able to laugh again, because of you I am able to feel Love again, because of you I have hope again, because of you I don’t hate myself anymore , and because of you I don’t hurt myself anymore. You are priceless to me and all you did was be my friend. I don’t know how to tell you all of this, so I hope you can read it on my face as you sit there looking at me. I hope you can see the love I have for you shining in my eyes.
I can’t seem to tell you any of this with words so I whisper into the silence
“Thank you for being my friend, my angel. I love you more than words can express.”
That’s it….I didn’t really know what to write for my first post, but I think the story helps explain me better. I have good days when I don’t think about hurting myself, and I also have the bad days. The bad days just about destroy me, so I have learned not to go day by day, but minute by minute and just remember to breathe, and to love me again. Because no matter what happens we all want and need love, from ourselves and others.