I guess this is me. I am a 16 year-old injurer. I have been this way since 6th grade and have good long periods where I do not crave the isolation and release that injuring gives to me. But I often relapse and that is where I am at now.
Recently my boyfriend of 8 months and I have broken up. He was what kept me strong. He was the only thing that kept me from not injuring. But now, I have no idea what to do. I am completely lost and it feels like I have nothing like I am completely empty inside and I am dyeing and falling apart. All i want is to not feel anything because when I feel I cry. I am sick and tired of having a make-up stained pillow. Tired of hurting. Tired of being broken and for me the only thing that has been able to somewhat quench my thirst for apathy is a tool. And I do not know if I can quench my thrist or find a different water source. Maybe i am just not that strong enough to give it up. I just wonder if someday i will ever be…..
I didnt start SI until my boyfriend of almost a yr broke up with me. Hes a great person and we’re still great friends. My boyfriend kept me strong too and when that all ended i didnt know what to do and i felt like i had no one anymore. My pillows had a lot of makeup stains too!! Apathy is not always a goodthing. I thought feeling nothing was great. My favorite thing to do was sleep because I wouldnt remember anything during that time. I thought of crying as a form of weakness so even when i got hurt i never cried but breaking up with my boyfriend released all that build up. You know what? you are strong enough to give up SI!! I was pretty much in the same situation as you and i gave up SI on my own. Look at it this way… you’re only 16… you have your whole life ahead of you. There’s so much good out there in the world that you havent experienced yet. Stay strong because one day you will be strong enough!! I know you feel like there is nothing out there that will make you feel better but you have to force yourself to get involved. Try to volunteer somehow. Sports are great too especially running you can do that anywhere!! Just run until your exhausted and can’t think anymore. Try to do a lot of group oriented things. I liked to study with a bunch of my friends. Just being with other people who are happy can make things better. One time i was really upset and my friend invited me to see Enchanted and i was like ughhh i dont want to go. But, i was sitting in my dorm doing nothing but being depressed so i figured getting out would be good. Well for the first 20mins of the movie i was miserable and wish i hadnt gone. However by the end of the movie i was laughing and smiling with a bunch of my friends. IT WAS GREAT!! Melancholy can almost always be cured by doing something with friends. Theres so many people out there you’re going to help through hardtimes. I know a lot of my friends in college are dealing with hard things and i’ve been through so much upset that i’m there to help them. People always tell me they dont know what they would do without me because i come up with a lot of alternative for them which make them happy. You can and will do the same thing when you feel better. Its such a great thing to be there for other people. Stay strong and safe you’ll overcome this!! Try to think positive; don’t focus on the negative things. What are you good at? roll with that. =)
I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend of three years recently broke up with me. He was all i had that kept me together and alive. I dont know how to express myself anymore i dont know how to talk about anything. I cry myself to sleep almost every night b/c i dont understand whats going on. The only thing that makes me feel and keeps me going is being able to SI. I am here everday otherwise i have aim i will give you my screen name or my email address. I would love to chat sometime. Let me know and i will be here.
Liz