it have been a couple of days since i had injured but last night was again over whelming. I can’t control the urge to injure, but I injured and was relaxed but then other stuff was still floating around my head so bad to where i wanted to hurt myself more. It would have be all over. I was so confuse that I can’t remember what lead me to that point.
I have a great friend but I think I’m making it hard for her to help me. I think she feel like she is running out of ideal to help me stay safe. I know that people say it’s are choice to injure or not but I feel very over whelm if I’m not in control over the situation, and when I’m not I injure. I want to be in control so bad.
I have so many issue that’s knocking me down, that I don’t know which one to fight off first. I know one great friend that can help me but I’m afraid to call his name. I don’t think he would help me sometime, but the more I think about it, that it’s me, self that’s stopping me. It’s making me think more about why I want to give it to my friend. I want to be free or whether in control of these issue when the come up with the help of Him.
Word of wisdom is the best medicine for me, I think. I think I’m stronger then what I think and that I can handle my issue if i give it to Jesus, that’s what my friend said. I believe that I’m just afraid to. But I love myself. Mybe i have to say that to my self that I love myself and that i’m special and God made no mistake when he made me.( that’s what you tell me) I believe that to
I want to stay safe. No more injuring, no more scars that will never go away and no more hiding that I have a problem and i need help. I need help! I need help!
It is no one’s responsibilty but YOUR OWN to keep you safe from yourself. My friends have tried to take on the burden of controlling when and how I hurt myself and it has only lead to separation, heartache, and personal boundary issues. It was only AFTER they realized they couldn’t actually keep me from hurting myself did they come to terms with accepting the behavior and supporting my recovery… not my continuation of the behaviors. My friends learned if they freaked out everytime they found out I did it, it only made the situation worse. Now I find myself going to my friends with my victories related to self-injury more than my “crises” and our friendship has become about more than just my self-injury issues.
Now, I still lean on my friends every once in a while when the urges go crazy — trust me — but it has taken a lot of understanding on their part that often the most they can do is help me get through the moment, let me talk or cry it out with them listening, not just taking away my tools and locking me up in an empty room.
One thing I can totally relat with you about is how self-injury gives the illusion of being in control, however if you read through your post — you can see that self-injury is actually controlling you, not you controlling it. I have control issues too and self-injury I have always thought makes me feel like I am in control, yet once I start hurting myself… often I can’t stop and I do a whole lot more damage than I meant to do and sometimes I have to stop before being able to control the pain enough to get all the pain out (if that makes any sense). I am saying this having gone 10 weeks without cutting, as of today. I still feel like self-injury controls my life, I don’t control my self-injury, but I am working on getting this control!!
One of the ways I have been able to get through these past 10 weeks without injuring is to try and look at it this way: “I can control how long I DON’T injure myself.” I then try and control how my feelings and expressions are healthfully communicated. I write, I call a friend about the weather or about how their dog is doing, I exercise, I listen to music, I cry, I sleep — I try and control how my feelings and expressions are communicated in every other fashion except for taking it out in a bad way against my body. I have decided to try and take control over my self-injury by saying, “Everyday I don’t self-injure is a day I have controlled myself enough not to be self-destructive. Everyday I have chosen not to hurt myself I have made the choice to express myself in a healthier fashion.” This is so hard to do and I struggle and fight and cry and scream and beat the devil of self-injury down with his own pitch fork about a thousand times a day, but I am 10 weeks clean as of today.
Yes, self-injury is a choice. No one is making you do it but you. No one can make you stop doing it but you. You are worth not doing this to yourself, but only you can internalize this to the degree that will make you stop.
thank you