spring break is supposed to be a time when you relax and forget about everything and jsut have a good time right? then y is it causing me more anxiety then ever? all i want to do it retreat into a hole, and injure, but i can’t let that happen, i can’t let my friends at home see my scars. i’m at college and i’m about 150 miles from home. school is my safe haven, for the most part. back home i have an over controlling ex, who can’t understand y i don’t want to see him. he never has. im worried about that and i’m worried about my friends at home seeing the semi-fresh scars, i can’t deal with disappointing them, they are the best people in the world, and i dont want them to see me as a failure. plus i’m worried that one of my best friends at home is mad at me, i just told her about my injuring last time i was home, 2 n a half weeks ago, and i haven’t really talked to her since, but she sent me an email telling me that that was the last thing that she wanted to hear from me, and how could i do that? i’m worried that her whole view of me has changed and that she wont respect me as much as she used to, and i need her friendship.

i go home saturday night, and the closer that the day comes, the faster my heart starts to beat, and the urge to injure gets greater and greater, the harder it is to sleep at night, and get my mind to shut up and let me relax. the more that i want to run away… i know when i actually get home, i will put on a happy face, and be excited, and smiley, but it hurts knowing that no body really knows how hard it is for me to go home. and its not because of my family, they are great, oblivious, but they really do love me, and thats all i need.

going back home is supposed to be a relaxing time, but its so conflicting to me. i want to go home and see my friends, i love them so much and they are so good to me. but i dont know anymore i’m rambling… i guess i have to deal with it… i just hope i don’t do something stupid…