for about a couple of days now I wanted to injure so bad. But i promise myself that i will not go buy a tool. But the urges are getting so strong to go to the store and get one. I cry out loud sometime and that help because I can release the pain that I’m feeling but when I hold back my tears an do a silent cry within,(that’s all the time) that is the one that knocks me off my feet. It’s like no one is there listening, I’m in a zone of my own or that I can’t cry no more, I’m at my breaking point and I need to injure. I been looking for my tool in my house for a couple of days now, and no luck. My friend put it somewhere and want tell me where, I’m mad as heck because I want it and i need it. But the thing is, I’m not mad at her because, she trying to be there and help me through this. When i have the urges I can call her and she will pick up or when she is around and the urges come up she say lets talk about but it don’t work all the time because I’m so over whelmed all ready that I don’t know how to relax any other way but by injuring or express my self. Maybe when I’m at that point to where I’m screaming inside will I pick up any sharp object and injure. Is my injuring going to a new level of harm?
First of all, you have a great friend and by you allowing them to hide it — is a big step. I have been struggling with self-injury for over 10 years and I have never once been able to let someone else “have my stuff” and get rid of it or hide it. Just knowing you are letting someone that close to you is a huge accomplishment!!
Something to ask yourself is why exactly do you hurt yourself? Is it for control, to express yourself, to escape… what exactly? Then, you can start to search for other healthier ways to accomplish the same thing (level of control, self-expression, ways to numb or get away, etc.).
I find myself wanting to self-injure for various reasons and I always try and find out what I am trying to accomplish through the behavior. Here are some personal examples:
– If I am doing it out of boredom, I find something to do (such as crochet, get online, read a book, clean).
– If I am doing it out of anger, I do everything I can to give myself at least 15 minutes to re-evaluate the situation. Hurting myself when I am angry has serious consequences that I know too well and would do almost anything to prevent happening again.
– Expression, then I try writing or crochet.
– Nervousness… I keep my hands busy. Drawing, typing, playing with my yarn, I go brush and floss my teeth again (I have braces), go for a walk…. just ANYTHING to keep myself busy and “work the ants out” 🙂
I will be honest, it doesn’t always work. But for me, ANY PERIOD OF TIME I can refrain from going through with my urges is a huge accomplishment!! If I make it through just one stressful situation and not hurt myself, it’s huge for me and since starting the recovery process – I have even mentioned it to friends when I have made it through something without hurting myself.
I am actively in recovery, but self-injury still controls my life. It is all about taking life 15 minutes at a time, sometimes 5, but I am aiming to play the “15 Minute Game”… instead of the 5.
You can do this! I am glad you have a friend who won’t tell you where they hid your stuff. Take the money you want to spend on tools and treat yourself to something nice – coffee or a movie or a new book.
Hey and welcome to the board. I wish my friend was still around that did that for me. Thats great. She cares alot for you.
I feel the same way almost all the time that if i dont find my tools that i just find something that will make me feel and injure myself. You are completely normal. What causes you to want to SI. I know for me it all started with being sexually abused when i was younger. And now its when i get mad or am depressed. Or if i get in fights with my mom.
Try and find things to distract yourself. Also when you get the urge find other things to do like screaming or punching a pillow. Sometimes this works for me sometimes not it just depends. Stay safe and try your hardest to not SI. I am here everyday if you need anything also if you have aim i can give you my screen name or my email address.
Liz
i know that the people who are on this bord are going to start roling there eyes at me but try making paper boats or paper ennything i like boats becouse u make them out of rectangles so if ur in trubble at a restront or enny where realy you dont ned sizors and its cinda discreat you can sit at a table and look completly fine. try it it might work. and your doing so good keep it up, u have it in you, to make it stop.
You are strong in spirit and mind. You will survive and success will be yours. Keeping fighting, you are winning every day. Congradulations.