I’m probably the “oldest” (not in age 😛 ) SAFE alumni here. I completed the program in December of 2001 at 15 years old- this was before the program was separated into an adolescent and adult program. I also did the unofficial outpatient group before SAFE started their own group. I think the program is different now than it was then… for the most part I have kept myself safe with a few relapses, I’ve learned the hard way that a relapse is not an excuse to give up.
I still struggle… more than I’d care to admit to. Right now my biggest struggle is picking up the phone to find a new therapist, knowing full well I don’t have the money to pay OR the option not to go. I have really bad PTSD and anxiety/depression that I’ve tried to ignore hoping it would go away.
I’m helping raise my brothers right now, a 3 y/o and 20 m/o, I watch them 40 to 60 hours a week, sometimes more if my mom is sick. My friends keep telling me that I need to leave, that they aren’t my responsibility and that I need to go back to school and get a job that actually has a salary… they don’t understand that, emotionally, these babies are as much my babies as anyone else’s babies- I cannot abandon them. Not now, they are so small and their care is so much more important than any ambitions that I have.
I do need to find a way to take care of myself, because I am suffocating under the stress and the pressure of raising them while forgoing my own needs. I just need a lifeline… I need to know that it’s going to get better, that I’m not a failure at everything, that staying safe is worth constantly feeling like I’m about to die.
Nicole
You so rock!!! You are amazing…going to treatment at only 15, and sticking with it despite a few relapses!!
I started cutting when I was 14, and I so wish I had gotten help back then! Because now I’m 30 and still dealing with the negative effects of it!
So I wanted to say how proud of you I am, and how much I admire you!
And I think it’s beautiful that you’re raising your siblings. I have a heart for babies (I’m a nanny), and you’re right that those babies need someone to love them and give them proper care…
It is a complicated situation, though, finding a balance between self-care and caring for them. You can not take good care of those babies unless you are taking good care of yourself first. I know, I have a 3 yr. old. You need resources like any mom does. If you are going to take on the responsibility of being their mom you have to take care of yourself.
Find a therapist. Also, find a mom’s group in your area…playgroups are awesome. The kids play and the mom’s and nannies sit and chat, and it helps make the day go by so much faster. Take the kids to library storytime and meet other moms there. Find other free or low cost programs for babies and toddlers in your area and go to them weekly. I’ll bet you’ll even find other nannies your age to hang out with and make playdates with. This kind of support will make all the difference, and help you take care of yourself.
i think ur story helps me understand that just because i keep going back to SI doesnt mean im a failure and that ill never stop…it makes me realize that its not going to b an over night thing, itll take time, but i have to stay strong…..thanx nicole 🙂