i’ve never written here before.  i used to hurt myself but quit several years ago.  i relapse occasionally, especially because i didn’t give it up for myself.  i gave it up because everyone told me to.  i’m mostly ok, thanks in large part to the two prescriptions i’m on.  tonight i’m not ok.  i can’t feel anything.  i just imagine myself injuring; the thought itself is intoxicating.  god i miss it.  i miss the scars.  they are so beautiful to me.  i miss the pain.  but i know how upset my boyfriend would be, especially since he is sleeping next to me as i type.

i wish i could cry.  or fall asleep.  that would be nice too.  i’m so numb.  my body just can’t move.  i want to offer solace to others here because of my success.  but tonight is not the night.  tonight i will just fall back into the arms of depression, my old familiar friend.  no one understands why i miss it, except for possibly you-all.  at least i don’t want to die.