i’ve never written here before. i used to hurt myself but quit several years ago. i relapse occasionally, especially because i didn’t give it up for myself. i gave it up because everyone told me to. i’m mostly ok, thanks in large part to the two prescriptions i’m on. tonight i’m not ok. i can’t feel anything. i just imagine myself injuring; the thought itself is intoxicating. god i miss it. i miss the scars. they are so beautiful to me. i miss the pain. but i know how upset my boyfriend would be, especially since he is sleeping next to me as i type.
i wish i could cry. or fall asleep. that would be nice too. i’m so numb. my body just can’t move. i want to offer solace to others here because of my success. but tonight is not the night. tonight i will just fall back into the arms of depression, my old familiar friend. no one understands why i miss it, except for possibly you-all. at least i don’t want to die.