After about two years of self injury, I think I may finally be stopping. Injuring had become progressively worse for me during the months of September through January. I began to think that this disease would never go away and I had pretty much lost all hope of stopping. But then something happened. I’m not quite sure what, but the fascination and urge of injuring just kind of dwindled. I really do not know the reason, but I think I may be making progress. I think it might be a result from a combination of things. One of them was my best friend seeing my scars. It was humiliating. I had never told anyone besides my other friend who also does it. My friend was so completely shocked and concerned that injuring kind of started to disgust me. Her discovery made me feel so low, like I was a mental case or something. She found out a week ago and it is still hard to face her. I’m just so ashamed. I think the whole thing with injuring was that it was a secret. I found it so intriguing to have this deep dark secret. I think it made me feel in control of my life. SI was something I could control. It made me feel like I had power over my life. I think that may be one of the reasons people SI. Yes, I think it can be used to punish yourself and release pain. However I also think it is something much more. I really think its about the whole control factor. And there is something about keeping something secret that makes you feel in control. Another reason is probably because it is almost summer and I know I cannot get away with it in a skimpy bikini that reveals every SI. I felt like SI was taking over my life. I always have to make sure my sleeves aren’t rolled up or that my shirt doesn’t raise up to reveal my scars. It’s just a big pain! It seemed to cause more stress and uneasiness to hide the scars than my life caused. My third and final reason was just being envious of people who don’t injure. I would watch Gilmore Girls and look at the main characters and see what strong women they were. Yes, they are just characters in a TV show, but they represent real woman who are strong enough to deal with their lives without self mutilation. SI made me feel weak. I don’t want to feel like that. I want to feel like a strong woman who can deal with her life in a mature and sophisticated way. I don’t want to be a depressed, emotional wreck. I want to be happy and fun to be around. I no longer want to have a deep dark secret that I have to keep hidden. I want to able to wear short sleeves and wear a bikini. I don’t want to have to hide anything. I now view injury as a sign of weakness. SI is not cool. It is cool to be a strong person who can handle their problems. SI is not attractive. If I can give any advice to you, it would probably be to look at all the people who don’t injure. It may be your favorite celebrity or just someone you look up to. If they are strong enough to resist self injury, then you can be too. Don’t be the person you are now. Don’t be that weak and vulnerable person because SI will not help you. It may seem like it helps you, but it doesn’t. So what I’m basically trying to say is that nothing good can come from injuring. NOTHING.
I’m not saying I’ve completely stopped for good. Chances are, I will have a relapse or many relapses. But I know for a fact that it is getting wayy better. And I feel really good about that :]. I know that you guys can all stop too. It takes discipline, but you CAN. Good luck to all of you!