Today is the first day of the rest of my life . . . or something ridiculous like that.
I decided to take the plunge and attempt the SAFE program. I have come up against more obstacles in this past week of attempting to get to the program then I think I ever have. From family telling me i shouldnt go so far for treatment and other programs could help me locally to my father telling me i would permenantly scar my children if i left for a whole month. They’re 3 and 4 years old. Im sorry but i think it may scar them more to have them grow up with a mother who hurts herself to cope. I lost my job and I lost my child care assistance and I lost my mind for awhile as well all in one day ( yesterday ) while trying to work out the details. My mother told me Im creating chaos to seek treatment and uprooting peoples lives. So mom would it be better to let everyones lives stay nice and peachy while im dying on the inside hurting myself everyday? Ive spent days on end crying and have had to spend the last of what money I have left to make this work. Being a single working mother is hard enough without being one who is often depressed and frequently self injures.
But Im stubborn enough that Ive already set my mind to this. This is my last option. After years of seeking therapy and programs and self help books and trying it on my own and with counselors and various medications only to relapse again and again and never get to the root of my issue. I figure if SAFE cant help me get to the root of this nothing can. I have to do this for myself and for my children. Even if my family doesnt understand now and I have very few people who think its a good idea in my life, Im still going through with this. I have to.
Wish me luck. Ive already been accepted and I have a plane ticket for Feb. 26th. Im so scared . . . life without self injury. What will it be like to put the pieces back together. . . to dig into my soul and find the strength to heal from an 11 year ordeal of self abuse and pain . . . this will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.