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More College and More Relapsing

Posted by Kohl | October 14th, 2016

I literally just self harmed. I’ve been working on a 6+ page essay for hours today, but I haven’t been able to focus. My new therapist thinks I have ADD on top of my anxiety disorder and depression. I’ve been clean for a few days, but I stopped being able to focus, and I couldn’t stop fidgeting, and my body reacted weirdly to my anxiety, and none of my other coping skills worked. My phone wasn’t working- I have bad service in my dorm- and I had to self harm. I don’t feel guilty, but I still feel bad about it. More than anything else, I’m just annoyed that I’ll have to wear long sleeves for a while. I’ve been horribly sick all week, and I’ve been hot then cold then hot again, and now I’ll have to stay in my sweatshirts to hide what I did. I haven’t had the motivation to ask the Wellness Center if there is a group for self harmers. I want to look into it, but I don’t want to at the same time. I’ve been getting bad again, and I don’t want to be the freak who wants to get better but just can’t. Now that I’ve self harmed I can focus more, even if it’s not on my essay that’s due tomorrow… well, later today.
I’m so tired. I’m so tired, and I’m really glad that I haven’t felt suicidal in a while, because if I was still feeling suicidal it’d feel even worse.

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Posted by barista.steph | September 12th, 2016

I haven’t written on here in quite some time now. This used to be my safe haven a long time ago. Now it’s late, I’m worried my friends are sick of hearing my struggles, and I self harmed so I don’t know where else to turn. I have these wicked anxiety and panic attacks. Today was a good day, I watched my football team win, I met up with friends, went to an AA meeting. I’m staying along at a friends house dog sitting for the next week and it was weird to be alone. It started as a tearful day as I passed a 9/11 memorial driving by the water today. A bunch of old war veterans out there flying the US flag and Proud to be an American on the country station I was listening to. Anyway all that was fine. My anxiety started when my throat felt dry and just built up over hours. I take a physical sensation and my brain blows it up. Like HUGE. I tried everything I could think of. I’m supposed to be trying temperature things via my therapist when this happens to ground myself so I put an ice pack on my face, that helped a little bit, I counted, I breathed, I prayed, I tried “acting as if…”, distracting myself, radical acceptance oh my god and nothing worked enough to stop it. I suppose they all lessened it a little bit but no enough to stop the attack. My partner gets so annoyed with me and told me tonight “don’t you know by now it’s all in your head!? It’s not real ever so why can’t you just stop freaking out!?” I got upset. He’s right, and I understand his frustration, it still hurt my feelings. I drove across town to the house I’m staying at and its dark and I’m alone and my dad didn’t answer and my sister had to go be it’s too late to call anyone and I was desperate for relief. So I self harmed, I had plenty of pause to stop and do something different but I had tried everything different I could think of and the anxiety was still raging. I immediately felt calm and comforted while and after I self harmed. I hate that I got back into this habit. After the calm came the shame and the guilt and it’s about an hour later now and I feel wide awake and scared and alone in this house. It’s like I know what I need to do, and I know I can do it because Ive done it before, but it’s so hard to stop once I’ve started and let it become an option again. I’m even more ashamed of the fact that right now I don’t even want to stop. I should probably want to, but I don’t, I want to want to stop.

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College and Relapsing

Posted by Kohl | September 6th, 2016

So, I’m now in college. Today was my first day, and I loved my classes. I’ve made two good friends and two others I see around campus. I’ve been having a blast living on campus and away from my home.
The downside is that I’ve been hurting myself every day since I’ve moved in.
I knew this was going to happen. For months during therapy I’ve lied about feeling better and feeling excited about college without telling anyone that I knew deep in my soul that as soon as I moved out of my mother’s house that I was going to start hurting myself again.
I need help. I seriously do, but I can’t go to the hospital now. I love college so much and I don’t want to leave as soon as I got here. I know that if I tell someone about what’s happened that my mom will put me in the hospital again and she won’t let me live on campus when I’m better enough to go home.
I don’t want that to happen.
I stopped myself today almost as soon as I started hurting myself. I’m seeing my mother tomorrow and I think she may see what I’ve done. I hope not. I can’t leave. I actually feel comfortable here.
I’ve thought about telling my best friend. I don’t know if I should though. I want to talk to someone about this, but I feel like I can’t. I know it’s not healthy to keep this as a secret, but it feels good. It feels right, even though I know it’s wrong.
What should I do?

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Posted by ithurts28 | August 22nd, 2016

Hi! I don’t speak English, I mean, I do, but it’s not my native language, so y might have some mistakes…
I hurt myself since I was 17, I’m 26 now. I have an eating disorder, anorexia, and bipolar disorder, type II. I’m like a bomb and it feels like I’m about to explote…
I’ve been self injury clean for three months, but it’s too difficult, all day I’m thinking about hurting myself, my anorexia is out of control, and sometimes I think in being bulimic, because when I eat it feels terrible.
I go to therapy, but I feel that nobody understands me, it’s group therapy, my mates have eating disorders, but most of them don’t understands my bipolar disorder and my problem with self injury. I log in here to know more people in my situation…

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College and Rules

Posted by Kohl | July 10th, 2016

Iā€™m tirelessly waiting to start college in the fall, even though Iā€™m terrified about what might happen when I go. Iā€™m already mentally preparing for the stress of classes and being away from home for so long, but thereā€™s a no weapon policy for the campus.

How will I survive for a whole semester without my tool?

Iā€™ve been reliant on my self harm for most of my life- since I was 8 or 9 years old. Iā€™ve been on-again off-again relapsing since the end of elementary school. How can I start college without my tool being there when I need it? How can I handle daily panic attacks and crippling depressing that Iā€™ll have to force myself to get through without my tool being there when I need to relapse?

I donā€™t know how Iā€™ll be able to do it. I’ve thought about how to sneak a tool onto campus, although I know I shouldn’t.

What should I do?

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Posted by Lgbtparent | July 6th, 2016

I’m am a mother of a 13yr old transgender child Aj (FtM) that has also been Si for almost 2 years and a slight eating disorder another year before that. I lost sole custody when they were 6 yrs old and their father got full custody and I have what’s considered secondary. I have been communicating and trying very hard to understand and support Aj. The first time I found out they had Si was through Facebook messanger, Aj begged me not to tell their dad, concerned i waited til they were asleep to tell their father in hopes that he would calm down and think things through before Aj awoke. The next day was even more traumatic than before I had no idea he would react how he did and just screamed at Aj and made them show him. He told Aj if it happens again you will put in a hospital for kids n u will be very miserable. It scared Aj so they were more careful of where to do Si and to not say anything. Things have gotten worse and I needed to be very close so I am living with them now. The recent need to transition and coming out at first stopped all Si for over six months til Ajs dad screamed at them and said you will never be a boy n this stops now. Aj then had the worst Si episode yet and Aj told me they want to die. Dad is still far beyond accepting and I am just lost on what to do. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Posted by blueray | July 4th, 2016

I am in counseling again (after some major life challenges forced me to readdress some issues), which has been very beneficial this go-around. I have a new therapist who is great and I feel that I can be honest in exploring how I feel. Lately I have the urge to SI, but I couldn’t really figure out the real reason why. Although I have been depressed and feeling emotions surrounding that including loneliness and isolation, it hasn’t been too incredibly intense to the point where I usually experience self-harm urges.
But after 15 plus years of SI I am starting to understand and explore the origin of the urges a bit more. In that exploration I am realizing how much I crave touch. The kind of caring touch a loving mother/caregiver might give. A pat, a loving rub, a hug. Something. After dealing with sexual abuse as a kid, touch was kind of off limits. I didn’t want to be touched, and I did not have any positive caring adults in my life to fill the need for “good touch” even if I wanted it. So its always been a constant need, but one I hardly acknowledged. Now, I realize the urge to SI sometimes comes from that need for touch. Because I don’t get it anywhere else, perhaps I SI to have some sort of touch in a way – maybe it is in the care that comes from taking care of an injury. Recently I was in the hospital (a routine, non mental health related issue) and it felt good in a way to be cared for – to have the nurses touch me, even if only to adjust a blood pressure cuff. I know touch can be gained elsewhere like a massage, but getting a professional massage is hard when I have to explain my body to a stranger. I feel ashamed of my scars.

I sometimes feel very untouchable – especially the mothering kind of touch. My body is covered in very visible scars. I long for someone to just touch my scars and tell me they don’t define me. While I understand therapists have clear roles and boundaries to maintain, I can’t help but want this one person I am talking to, telling my secrets and working through some tough subjects, to take on a little of that mothering role. While I am sure this issue is not uncommon in counseling, I realize, again, that boundaries are needed. But sometimes when the one person I am trusting to listen to my darkest thoughts can’t touch me, it makes me feel even that much more untouchable.

I guess I am struggling with this feeling, especially now that I am beginning to realize why this urge to SI pops up sometimes. I wish I had a caring mother figure in my life to hug me and see my scars, and let me know that I am worthy of caring touch despite what I have done and what has been done to me. I don’t know how else to get this need met right now and it is upsetting. I am working really hard to understand and truly stop SI, but this is one thing/area in the healing process that has caught me off guard recently. And I am not sure if I should bring it up in counseling as I only have 2 sessions left. I don’t know where to go from here with this issue.

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Feeling Pathetic and Missing a Lost Friend

Posted by Kohl | June 28th, 2016

Yesterday I found out that one of my friends who started using again successfully killed himself after years of trying and failing. Considering that I’ve tried to end my life, I really should feel worse about him dying, but I don’t, and I almost hate myself for it.

I wish that I felt bad for relapsing. I don’t. I feel guilty, but I still want to do it again. I miss hurting myself a lot. It’s pathetic. I feel pathetic.

I am pathetic.

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Posted by healing | June 9th, 2016

I feeling a lot more emotion these days and I don’t necessarily like it. It seemed like there was a patch were there was a lot of emotion pain but urges weren’t really on my radar– that was ok, I guess. I decided to write as I noticing judgement in myself over what the biggest trigger for me at the moment– it’s basically a really good thing– something I’m massively proud of– the idea that I could be in the process of buying an apartment would have been beyond my wildest dream even a handful of years ago. And the fact that it’s underway is very outward reflection of all the work I’ve done to stabilize my life from the inside out. But I just signed the mortgage loan papers and really want to care for a SI– more than I want SI– I want to do the nurturing part. It’s scary and intimidating to go through this process– there’s no certainty– even as what I’m reaching for would be this big stable thing in my life– to have my own apartment– there’s getting the mortgage, which could fall through (though that’s highly unlikely) and it was just a huge, stressful decision– next will be getting past the coop board, which is also likely to be fine, but might not be. I don’t *want* to be triggered by a great thing that’s happening in my life. I want to be happy. I am also relieved that I will be leaving my current neighborhood and going to live in different neighborhood, but it’s a really different neighborhood a good distance away and I have been in my current neighborhood for about 20 years– my entire adult life– I couldn’t afford to stay here if I wanted to and I do want a fresh place to be– a lot of bad thing happened here– but, also, my whole life has happened here and it is outrageously painful to think of leaving, even as I want to go– I can’t process that conflict. A really healthy high-functioning, growthful thing like buying an apartment, too– ……maybe my brain will forever go to SI when it is uncomfortable. I’m 40 years old. That’s where it goes. It made some sense to me to go there over really hard-time things where I was in bad shape and my environment was dangerous and lots of illegal things going on around me/to me. But that’s not the case now. I can take care of myself. I can hold a job. A job where I’m very well-respected, supervise a large staff in a fast paced and demanding field. The outside of me moves on and on and on. But the inside still has a really hard time. As a teenager I was really high achieving too, but a wreck until it all just fell apart and I hide in a marriage and went into hibernation. I guess I just keep working on it all……. I’m also going to have to figure out how to accept that pain of this move, but I don’t know what to do about the anxiety of the uncertainty…..

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I give up

Posted by Catt217 | May 23rd, 2016

I have been trying so hard lately to see the good in life that the bad things in life are only temporary but I’m about to give up because no matter how hard I try its never good enough sometimes I think it would be a lot better if I just disappeared and went to live in the middle of no where so that no one could find me and I would never get let down again I think the only reason I haven’t done that yet is I met someone we r only I’m the getting to know each other stage but he makes me smile and laugh and feel special and I haven’t felt that in so long I just don’t know what to do I don’t wanna get my hopes up because this guy seems to be perfect I just wanna know what the catch is

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