Right now, I feel so alone, and this feeling of being alone really is a bad trigger for me right now. I really want to injure, but I can’t because I’m not by myself as I write this. Otherwise, I think I would just go ahead and injure and be done with it. Then I would not have to feel this emotional pain, even for a little while. I’m just so tired of feeling like I am walking through this difficult time by myself.
New to the site
Posted by scared_alone | May 8th, 2013
Hello this is the first time I have ever been to this site and also to a SI support page. I began injuring when I was 13 and was eventually hospitalized for it when I was 14. The only solution or problem solving I did was switched from SI to drug abuse. Been clean and sober for 15 years. Now 20+ years later I have found myself injuring again and having a very difficult time stopping. I have been working with a therapist but hard for me to talk about it because I don’t feel like people understand. I am not trying to kill myself, I am only trying to take this intense emotional pain away. It allows me to feel alive for even just a short few seconds. People don’t understand.
My partner of 14 years has recently requested a separation and I find myself feeling like SI is the only option for me to “keep going” and release the sadness and frustration built up inside. I just don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I feel like anyone I may reach out to is only going to judge me for the injuring and not listen to how I feel.
I wish they would have had these types of support groups when I was a teenager. Going through this as an adult is such a frustrating feeling of aloneness and shame. I just don’t know where to go from here.
hospitals :/:/:/
Posted by barista.steph | May 6th, 2013
My partner is having surgery tomorrow and I am a nervous wreck. I’m trying not to be outwardly, but my body is reacting to all this anxiety and its hard. She’s nervous too. It’s weird to see her nervous. From what I’ve read it’s considered a major surgery, but it’s a routine surgery. There is an unspoken energy in the air, we hugged a little tighter. Then it became spoken and she told me all her wishes “just in case”. We have talked about this before but I think I’m so emotional now because we have to be at the hospital in four and a half hours. It’s good that I’m crying. That’s a healthy release. So we had that talk and now I’m going to put on my brave fave and my smile until they take her to the O.R. . My mom will be with me and she’s been through a similar procedure so that is very comforting to both of us. She let us know kind of what to expect and questions to ask. The gay thing concerns me because we have no legal rights together as a couple in my state-and it’s at the VA hospital. But I’m on paper as being the one to make decisions and things like that and so far all the staff we’ve talked to and the surgeon recognized us as a couple and seemed fine with that, so it should be ok. I had a very disturbing SI thought tonight, I quickly pushed it away. I am all out of whack about the article I was a part of. It came out today and it was weird. That’s for another blog. I haven’t slept more than a few hours in the past two days and I’ve been up now for 24 hours. Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me, but I just couldn’t sleep. I’m SO nervous.
hurt
Posted by Lostinside | May 4th, 2013
I am so hurt. I shared much of myself with someone who I knew also si , and he judged me and kept me at arms length, even though I knew that he was vulnerable himself, and in need of a friend. In a sense, I feel used by what has happened between us. I see him frequently, and he understands my situation, but is distanced from me. He tries to make me feel jealous, even though this is harmful to me and my psyche. I feel that he craves an emotional imbalance, and I want so desperately to build an enduring friendship. Someone who is there for me at all times, and I for him. Why does he hurt me so?
Trying to understand
Posted by buffy_the_vampire_slayer | May 2nd, 2013
So hey, new here, not new to SI. I also think I suffer from GAD. No official diagnosis, but yeah most likely. No eating disorder but body dismorphia. I have a miraid of issues no doubt.
When I was younger, in my early teens, I did things that I now understand to be SI, only I didn’t realize at the time or even years later that that was exactly what I was doing. I stopped. Years passed. I mean years. I am in my 40′s now. But I started again a few years ago. I don’t know how it happened. What made me think to do it. But I did. I was under a mass amount of stress at the time. Ex-husband (husband at the time) had just announced he had cheated on me but wanted to work things out. We tried. For 1 & 1/2 years. A miserable time. SI and alcohol became my way to cope.
Now here I am divorced and with a new man. Happy. Actually very happy. Been together for a year now. Things are going quite well. But as we all know, there are many stresses in life. Stresses that cause me to SI. Recent health concerns have been an issue for me. Gaining weight as I get older. Major issue. I look in the mirror and hate myself. Hate my body. Feel unworthy of love.
So now I am trying to understand. Trying to understand what started all this in the first place. Why I can’t cope like “normal” people. Why I despise myself so much that I want to punish myself. How I can be such a logical and intelligent person on one hand and this out of control creature with such self-loathing and disgust. I can’t make any sense of it. I just want it to stop.
Posted by barista.steph | May 2nd, 2013
I got on my knees and prayed. I asked god to take this sickness away, away from my mind. I’ve been drinking a lot. The big book has a line about “pitiful incomprehensible demoralization”. That was me today. I left my class and stumbled to my car to lay down,’I was sick in the parking lot and scared and my feet were outside the door and I fell asleep for a few hours and woke up. I remember a guy asking me if I was ok. What am I running from???? Why do I feel the need to be in another reality from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I was so gross today. I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. This woman stayed on the phone with me earlier until I passed out. She is a kind soul. I have not SI’ed in a few weeks. I wanted to today but I have no energy and I don’t want more scars today. I am so scared and lost right now 
Posted by Portgas | May 2nd, 2013
I just don’t know anymore. I just can’t do this anymore. The thought of suicide is just present in my mind. I heard the whole thing about it being selfish and people who love me being upset. Well there is almost nobody who does. I’m just so alone and scared. To be honest I feel like giving up…….
And the darkness falls…
Posted by lab | May 1st, 2013
I make these declarations that I’m fine, I can deal with this alone. It’s all in my head. It’s all me. I’ve sat on the edge for so long now I don’t think I can come back.
So Hard
Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | May 1st, 2013
I just do not understand. I just want to SI every day. I think about it all of the time. My life has been so stressful lately, so depressing, and filled with such a complicated stream of emotions that SI seems to be the only answer. I feel alone, so i want to SI. I feel depressed, so I want to SI. I feel angry, so I want to SI. I want to control something in my out-of-control life, so I want to SI. I have never thought about it as much as I have been thinking about it here lately. I just don’t know how much longer my thoughts will just be thoughts before they turn in to actions
Ineffectively effective
Posted by IstToll | April 30th, 2013
I’ve been thinking about my past with SI lately. It has been such a long time since I was able to quit. The urges come and go, but I haven’t given in to it. I supposr that’s a good that’s a good thing. But something has been bothering me a lot lately. I know exactly what factors led to my SI; it was an unfortunate combination of neglect and abuse as well as stress. It bothers me that I was too weak to deal with seemingly petty issues when I’ve talked to some people that have suffered through unimaginable situations and found healthy ways to deal with the trauma. Why couldn’t I do that too? SI was my only effective method of dealing with what happened, but SI also caused more emotional instability. Did I secretly crave more emotional turmoil?
