Blog

This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Posted by blueray on March 9th, 2017

I feel like a failure. I can’t seem to find a job. I feel worthless and unwanted. My education feels like a waste of time and money. I am getting desperate. The more desperate I become the worse the downward spiral gets. I think because of how I a have been feeling, I have started to have more and more intrusive thoughts about self harm. My thoughts are very graphic, and severe. I don’t want to think I’d act on anything, however I did just buy some new ‘tools’. There is this ‘I don’t care attitude’ about SI right now. I feel like I am worthless so I am not putting much value on my health and what I choose to do to my body.
I really don’t know what to do. I continue to not to have anyone to confide in. I was hoping for some sort of divine intervention, but I have lost most of the faith. And yet, walking around I seem almost calm and ok. I am ashamed to admit its because I have told myself that it can be a choice to give up. I think having that as an option has made things seem less intense. Like I have a way out.
I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to have a way out – not like that anyway. I just feel so stuck and alone. I want to be wanted, to be financially independent, to feel valued and worth something. While I am finding a tad bit of that in volunteer work, it is not the same. I continue to feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel embarrassed even typing this out and using this blog as a outlet, but the anonymity helps.
My one hope one day is that I can use my past experiences and struggles with SI to help others. I have tried to get on that path. Why is it so hard. I just want to feel useful. I want the scars to mean something more than just shame. It feels like I will forever be covering up, struggling for acceptance and belonging. The struggle is exhausting.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.