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my story

Posted by realm on March 1st, 2017

This is my first blog post to this site and I`m a little nervous to any reactions I may or may not get, but uh here we go. I started self harming at the age of seventeen, I had several injuries, I started using S.I as a way to feel anything other than sadness and pain, if your wondering what led me to this I`ll tell you, in 2015 I had to move from a small town that I lived in for almost six years and it was painful for me because I had to leave my best friend behind I was diagnosed with depression by a therapist but all my mom said was you make yourself like this, stop, etc.. and¬†her saying that would send me into panic/anxiety attacks that lasted from 45 minutes to¬†over¬†6 hours or until I decided to sleep it off. In May of 2016 is when I started S.I because I`m very anti-social and introverted and I push people away from me because I built this wall around me so people couldn’t hurt me like they have in the past, but within time I slowly let people in , but over time I kept slipping further into my depression because my friend told me you have no reason to be depressed and I should just stop being sad and be happy, eventually I turned to S.I to let the sadness out of me, I would S.I regularly for a month and a half, my sister found and helped figure out alternate methods to hurting myself, she even introdueced me to the butterfly project, after my parents found they couldn`t look me in eye for almost a month and because¬†of that it made me want to¬†S.I again but I¬†didn`t I was already a disappointment to them I didn`t want to make worse by relapsing¬†after I promised my dad that if I wanted to hurt myself again I would come to, I even pinky promised him. They even took me out of therapy because they thought my therapist wasn’t doing anything to help, when she was.¬†After I was clean for a few months I relapsed again and didn’t tell my sister or my parents and it hurt me even more because I promised I wouldn’t do it, I would come and talk to my parents so I added another, in December while my sister and I were in a hotel elevator she saw the injuries that scared over and she was angry and hurt that I didn`t come talk to her. Less than a month after I turned eighteen I relapsed again because I failed a test that I needed to graduate twice, so I¬†hurt myself as punishment to myself for failing; ¬†And very recently I relapsed again, in the beginning of Febuary after I had an incident with my “best friend” (not the one mentioned earlier) I was so angry and hurt, I injured myself and then I went inside and drank myself to sleep because I was angry that I couldn’t sleep so I turned to alcohol, after discussing the situation with another friend (we`ll call her Jan, I want to protect the identity of this person) Jan and I both felt as though the “best friend” was fake, two faced, and didn’t care about us. Last Saturday she asked if I was still mad I was honest and told her I was, (because she said she would change and she lied to me) after talking fro about an hour and half I got so angry and upset that I S.I, and my sister found out about three days later¬†and we talked it out, she said it hurt her. Hence¬†then I have felt as though no one actually cares about me I mean yeah my sister is there but I feel as though that she feel obligated to care. I feel so alone all the time, I feel like I have no one to talk to, to relate to. I feel that my depression,¬†really low self-esteem, self hatred, anxiety, and scars prevent me from living my life, getting a job, finding my soulmate and just over all enjoying life.

One Response to “my story”

  1. March 2nd, 2017
    esoper1976 said:

    I have struggled with self harm for a very long time. I am about to turn 41, and I seriously got into self harm when I turned 20. I have done various forms on and off since then, but most recently I have been self harm free for about seven and a half years.

    It was not an easy road, and I still have some problems–I still see a therapist regularly, I am on meds (and will be for my whole life most likely), and I definitely still think about self harm. But, it has mostly faded into background noise. Sometimes it is more intense, but usually it’s just kinda there because it’s always there.

    In the beginning, I felt guilty for being depressed and experiencing symptoms of mental illness because I didn’t have the same horror stories in my past that other people in treatment with me had in theirs. But, then I realized not everyone with a horrible past winds up seriously mentally ill, and not everyone with a mental illness has a bad past. In my family, there is a huge genetic component to my illness, so that can play a role too.

    There were times when I wanted others to change, and I thought if they didn’t change, I could no longer be a part of their life. I then realized that I had no control over others, and whether or not they changed, I only had control over me and whether or not I changed. In time, I think I changed as well as others changing. I also think that by me changing how I reacted/interacted with others, it helped them to change how they interacted with me.

    I have been in therapy for a long time, some were great, some were not. I only wish I’d had the courage to fire the bad therapists sooner than I did. My current therapist is awesome–I’ve been seeing her for six years. But, she is retiring in April, so that is making me sad. If you can get back into therapy, I recommend it. I have also been on and off meds over the years. For me, meds are an important part of my recovery. But, it took a VERY long time (and finally getting hooked up with a brilliant doctor) to find the right mix.

    I also used to feel super guilty about how my self harm made others feel. I knew it was hurting them, but I somehow still couldn’t stop it. Maybe I could delay it for a few hours or days or weeks, but eventually I went back to it. It wasn’t until I wanted to stop for ME that I was finally able to stop.

    Don’t know if any of this is helpful, or applies to you, but I thought I’d share some of my experiences and what I’ve learned, in case it may help.

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