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Scared of myself

Posted by smac on January 16th, 2017

Ive never posted anything like this on public, but my name stays anonymous so im going to give it a try. I’m currently in the worst place in my head. I feel so lost and confused. I don’t know where my life is going. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I just need someone to talk. I just want someone to understand and help me. I don’t want people to think I sound bratty but I just crashed my brand new Range Rover Sport while I was under the influence of alcohol and anti-anxiety meds, im thankful im alive and didn’t get arrested but I felt that this crash has left me feeling extremely guilty. I put my life at risk, my best friend, and everyone in publics lives at risk and I feel so awful. I feel so sick and depressed in the head. I just got back to school from the worst christmas break of my life and I can not seem to put my head in the game. Guys are using me, and Im letting them use me. I’ve been left, rejected for other girls a countless amount of times, which has me to believe there is seriously something wrong with the way I look and act. I was so triggered yesterday that I relapsed and I feel that I need serious help but I’m scared to ask for it. I was in and out of rehabs for 5 years, I do not want my family to waste more time & money on making me feel happier and better. I feel that I am such a burden in their lives. I’m 21 and a pathetic loser who has never worked a day in her life. To whoever is reading this, weither it gets submitted or not.. please just help me. I just need someone to talk to and understand where I am coming from and how I’m feeling. I feel so crushed and useless.

 

One Response to “Scared of myself”

  1. January 20th, 2017
    esoper1976 said:

    It sounds like you have made some poor choices, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep making those choices. I definitely did many things I regret in the past, and there were times when I felt it was a HUGE waste of money for my family to keep paying for treatment for me when I was not really getting better, but it kept me alive and I know they would have been devistated had I stopped being alive. Eventually I realized I had to make changes in my life for treatment to work. I also wound up in a residential care facility for the mentally ill–lived there three years. I am on my own now, and I just bought a house! (I still have staff that checks on me a couple times a week). So, it is possible to get better. I had to want it though, and that took a long time for me. I also had to stop feeling guilty about how things affected my family. I felt guilty about the money they spent on me, and I felt guilty about how my actions hurt them–but that guilt wasn’t enough to stop me from making poor choices. It worked for short periods of time, but for long term success I had to want to get better for me.

    Does your school have a counseling center? Perhaps just starting there with some therapy can help. Then perhaps you and the therapist can decide if more intense treatment is warranted or not. I know I was able to make a lot of good changes just from having a great therapist.

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