Mouth Shut.
Posted by Xfm.soundsX on July 2nd, 2012
SO Life. Been pretty confusing lately…. My SI? I don’t know what’s happened…. I feel like I’ve gone completely backwards. I want to SI and I do. It’s like when I get all tense and stressed out- it’s not like I usually would. I can handle my everyday stress without SI, but I feel like my depression is creeping in again more often than not. I feel like I can’t open up to anyone, not even my boyfriend of almost 4 months about it. He tries and tries to get me to talk but I just can’t let those words out. He does know I SI though. He doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable by asking which I really respect and appreciate. But at the same time I feel guilty because I know he worries about me too. So hard to talk about…. It’s hard to believe I’ve been back and forth with this for 5 years now. I really do doubt I’ll ever get over this sometimes. Nothing seems to be enough to make me stop. I keep thinking that If I ever get sick of it all and want to make everyone disappear I know exactly what to say. I just show them what they only get glimpses of and they will all D i s a p p e a r.
2 Responses to “Mouth Shut.”
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I’m in the same position as you right now. I know it’s hard dealing with the fact that a loved one is so worried about you. I try to keep a lot of it away from him, because I don’t want to worry him more – though I don’t recommend this.
More people care than you realise, I’ve found this out recently. I would suggest getting the help you need, when you’re ready.
You can make it through this, and everything will be okay.
I’ve felt the same way before. I used to only SI occasionally, and could deal with everyday issues without self harm, and then I started to SI because of everyday stress. I think that its something that really does become addictive. I don’t know if that makes sense, but, I don’t know, its like the longer that I’ve been a self harmer, the more I tend to do it. I know that sounds obvious, but thats just the way I try to explain it.
What I find helpful is opening up, which relieves a lot of the stress brought on purely by SI. Your boyfriend seems like he really does care. I know its really hard to open up, but try doing it just a little at a time. And tell him that. Tell him that its hard to talk about, but that you DO trust him. Hopefully he’ll understand, and then in the future, it might make it easier for you to talk about with him. Again, I’ve experienced the doubt. Sometimes I feel that I really can’t get better, no matter what. But the truth is, we can always get better. We need someone to help us along, though. You can’t do this on your own. You need to reach out to someone. I think talking to your boyfriend would really help, especially since he’s already aware of your SI. You can do it. Stay strong, and remember that you not alone <3