Scared…
Posted by PerfectlyMe on June 19th, 2012
Last year I found out I was bisexual. Last year I became anorexic and I began to SI. And last year I had my first and only true girlfriend. But she left. Last year at the end of the school year. Moved to a different school. Her mom hated me and thought our relationship was toxic so I had to let her go. Over the last year we’ve talked a little. She’d tell me about all of her experiences with guys and girls. She’d explain her house problems and her SI issues and her own anorexia problem. And I would silently listen. Wishing I could just take her back.. Wish I could make it right. We stopped talking for a while and things were getting better for me. Yesterday she texted me and she texted me today. Asking how I honestly felt about her and she expressed her love for me and all of that.. I dont know what to do because I’ll never be with her. I’ll never be able to keep her happy. Only men seem to do that for her. She wanted to go to NAU together. She had plans. I had plans to hurt myself the final time next year. I don’t know what to do about my girlfriend. I don’t know how to make her happy or turn her away to save the trouble. I want to love her but I don’t know what the right way to love her is. She’s so fragile.. I can’t do this and I don’t know what to do..
One Response to “Scared…”
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Here’s my advice, so take it with a grain of salt: end the relationship. Break off most if not all contact if possible. I’m a lesbian, and I dated a girl for almost two years with the same mental disturbances as I have (SI and anorexia). I loved her with all of my heart and I still do, but it can never be. I would trigger her, she would trigger me, and we would feed into each other’s disorders. It was an endless cycle of hurt with her. If she was doing better than I was and was healthier, I felt powerful in my disease. On the other hand, if I was healthier than she was I felt that our relationship was imbalanced and I felt slightly jealous. It’s a precarious line to cross, having a relationship with a person who also struggles. You either end up taking care of them or they end up taking care of you in the end. Please, nothing good can come from it, trust me. Take this time to be alone, get to know who you are and spend time practicing self-care. You’ll be all the better for it.