the storm is brewing
Posted by barista.steph on June 17th, 2012
I am having a really hard time. In the alcoholics anonymous book it calls alcohol “cunning,baffling, and powerful”. I feel out of control. I haven’t acted out on it but I’m scared I will. I’ve been feeling “off” for a few weeks. I’m fighting off old thoughts that I’m stupid, I’m ugly,etc. I thought about hurting myself today. But in my head I went into detail. As I’m thinking these things there are flags and buzzers going off in my head telling me to STOP thinking about it. I felt sinful almost in how I let the images come into my mind. I was romantizing about it. I got chills thinking of how it would feel. I got the sensation of being numb and just doing it. I even went so far as to prepare a tool to use. After work I drove to the liquor store, the buzzers and flags going off and then just silence. Nothing. I could walk in and just get it over with. I got chills pulling into the parking lot. The same chills I got when thinking about hurting myself. Chills of excitment and fear. It wasn’t just physical chills, it’s a full body sesation. A big rush of excitement and fear running up from my toes to my brain and back down. It felt great and terrible. I feel like “giving in” to the SI, I really do. I think I feel nothing, but it can’t be nothing because I feel scared. Like an impending doom kind of scared.
2 Responses to “the storm is brewing”
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That feeling of almost day dreaming of si is exactly how I’ve felt these past few days. Like thinking about it does make me feel bad because it’s like having an affair of sorts. Like I know it’s wrong but I can’t help how amazing it would be if I could. Either way good luck!
Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful: I’ve been going to AA meetings with my parents and on my own since I was little and all you can do is talk to the lord and “keep coming back, it works if you work it, and you’re worth it”. That’s the famous quote where I live. Keep going back. Make it a daily duty that you want to enjoy and day dream about. If you work the steps, it’s going to work. And every single day, never forget to tell yourself you’re worth it all.