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Archive for "S.A.F.E. Alumni"

My Birthday Curse Strikes Again

Posted by esoper1976 | March 19th, 2017

It’s times like this when I wish this site were more active. ¬†I participate in other sites that are much more active, but they are not trigger free, and some even allow/encourage pictures. Definitely not what I need right now.

My birthday has been cursed for a while now.  My Oma (grandmother in German) died three days before I turned 20.  A friend of mine killed himself on my 20th birthday, and at that time, my roommate was very suicidal and I was also being stalked.  That started a trend of anyone close to me dying on or around my birthday. My Opa (grandfather) died three days after I turned 23.  A few other people died around my birthday.  One year, I thought it would be safe to have a gathering of family for my birthday on April 1st (my birthday is March 18th), because by then, the two week period would be up, and no one would die. My Grandpa Fred died a day or two before then.

I thought the curse was finally over when my mother’s parents died. ¬†Neither of them died anywhere near my birthday. ¬†But, today I was given a harsh reminder that the curse still exists. ¬†My childhood best friend (we’ve known each other since we were four) died yesterday from cancer. ¬†Another death on my birthday. ¬†And, I am losing my therapist as well–she is retiring. I have one more scheduled appointment with her. ¬†She is trying to squeeze me in before that though, because she had to cancel my last appointment–she was out sick.

On top of all that, I have been kind of heading into a bit of a downward spiral. ¬†Nothing major (yet), but just kinda heading into a bit of a depression. ¬†(no relapses or slip ups, I’m still over seven years clean). ¬†My med provider has warned me that I’ve been on my antidepressant long enough that it could stop working at any time now. ¬†If that happens, he plans to just switch me to another in the same category, which should solve the problem. ¬†I am not sure if my feeling a bit down has to do with this being my bad time of year, me losing my therapist, or my meds pooping out on me. ¬†Hearing the news about my friend ¬†definitely didn’t help matters any!

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I FINALLY GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Suzy | March 10th, 2017

It has been 15 years since I left the SAFE Program and 15 years since I have SI’d. ¬†And yesterday as I was driving along ruminating¬†over these past 15 years and what the difference is it hit me. ¬†The key to stopping self-injury¬†is to stop allowing others to injure you or imply that you deserve it because you are somehow less than. ¬†Once I realized that I was too valuable to allow myself to be attacked, I also realized that I was too valuable to destroy myself. ¬†I no longer allow myself to be minimized¬†and one Thanksgiving when my brother was attacking me I did the unthinkable: I kicked him out! Mind you my Mom owns this house but it is our home so I didn’t kick him out of her house, I kicked him out of my home and that was only if he could not get himself under control.

It is great once I realized that I really am a person of worth, I don’t have to put up with nearly as much garbage as I used too. ¬†Even though I am dealing with the same people, it is as if the word has gone out not to mess with me. ¬†It is really cool I don’t have everybody “shoulding” all over me anymore.

So if anybody is still in touch with Michelle, tell her thanks, I got it.  It took awhile but I did get it, and that is why I had to leave because I got it.

Suzy and Dylan dog

 

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Loss

Posted by esoper1976 | January 20th, 2017

O.k., so I found out from a friend of mine who sees my therapist that my therapist is retiring. ¬†I’m sure she will tell me herself at our next session in a couple weeks. ¬†I have been seeing her for probably close to six years now. ¬†She is a large part of the reason I am doing as well as I am. ¬†I know I will have the option of switching to another therapist at the same practice, and I will choose that option, but it will still be a HUGE loss. ¬†I’m not sure what to do with it right now. ¬†Also, she is retiring in April, which is pretty close to my bad time of year. (My birthday is mid-March, and Feb/March/April are bad times, mostly around my birthday, because that is when a ton of bad stuff happened to me). ¬†I don’t want to make my therapist feel bad by turning to self harm after she leaves, so that is a good motivation not to hurt myself. ¬†Last year, during my bad time of year, my therapist was out of the office for a few months because she broke her foot and had to have multiple surgeries. ¬†It was REALLY hard on me, but I stayed clean because I didn’t want her to feel bad for getting injured. ¬† It wasn’t her fault she was gone so long.

 

Right now, I would LOVE to get really sick, or injured (accidentally), and need to be hospitalized, but I know that probably won’t happen. ¬†I will definitely not be hurting myself in the near future, which probably means I won’t be in the distant future either. ¬†I am currently home alone because my roommate has ¬†a thing she just started going to on Friday nights. ¬†This is actually a good thing–she is learning she can do things without me, so maybe she will also learn I can do things without her! ¬†But, I have to stay up until she gets home. ¬†She doesn’t like to walk alone outside in the dark, and I told her I’d walk her in the house when she gets home. ¬†She said she’d be home a little after eight, but now it’s almost nine. ¬†I have to work in the morning, but she doesn’t. ¬†I hope she gets home soon, so I can get enough sleep for work in the morning.

There are a lot of good things going on in my life right now. ¬†I bought a house in October (super stressful, but wonderful too), and we are loving it. ¬†(I am renting a room to my roommate). ¬†We have so much more room than we had in our apartment. What is super nice is we have two bathrooms now–so we each get our own! YAY! ¬†But, I also get more alone time, and private space, which means I could potentially have more access to self harm. But, I’ve been clean for a little over seven years now, so I don’t want to ruin that streak.

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Struggling to keep up the momentum…

Posted by lyd_n92 | May 17th, 2016

This is my first time returning to this site in years. I struggled with severe self injury 7 years ago, went through the S.A.F.E. Inpatient & Outpatient programs, and have done so well since then, only having a small relapse once/year  or so .

However, I have had a setback lately… I wouldn’t say there has been a trigger, or an emotionally damaging situation that has made my thoughts revert to self injury.. I’m on medication for depression, and I feel as if it’s not working as well as it should. I’ve been consumed with the urge, and have finally found myself incapable of saying “no.”

I’m so conflicted, because I know I shouldn’t do it, I know it’s not the correct way to handle my emotions, and I know I should want to stop for me. Sometimes it just gets so hard to continue to be strong day in and day out, and consistently tell myself no. I have thoughts about it not every day, but at least two-three times a week. I have been so good at saying “no” but lately it’s just been so much harder..

I’m going to see a therapist again…I stopped going because I was doing really well. It’s discouraging to know that I can’t just keep the good momentum going on my own. It’s exhausting to think about being plagued by this need for the rest of my life. I know I will continue to say no to the best of my ability, because I am strong, and I am worth it, and I¬†know that.

Some days it’s just harder than others to believe myself when I say it… I’m a huge follower of TWLOHA, and I love their vision statement… “The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know. The vision is hope, and hope is real.” If only I can keep reminding myself of that every day.

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Struggling

Posted by esoper1976 | March 16th, 2016

I wish this site were more active. ¬†I really like knowing I can come to a trigger free place. ¬†Sometimes I purposefully go to triggering places, I guess as a way of mentally self harming, but sometimes (like now) I know I HAVE to stay away from the triggers, or my thoughts might turn into actions. ¬†Also, I’m a fairly creative person, and I often use triggering places to help me think of new ways to self harm. ¬†This is not good.

I was supposed to see my therapist last week, but I couldn’t. ¬†She is out of the office, and no one knows when she will return. ¬†(she injured her foot and had surgery). ¬† This is not great for me right now–I really need to talk to her, but I can’t. ¬†I know if things get desperate I can call and talk to the after hours person, but doing that scares me too. ¬†I have no idea what they will say. ¬†I did get to see my med provider this week, and he said if I need to talk before my therapist returns (we are both hoping she will be back in time for my next scheduled appointment on the 31st), I can always call and make an appointment with him. ¬†This is good to know. ¬†But I don’t want to need to do that either.

I have been clean for six and a half years, and I don’t want to lose that. I am also reaching towards some very good goals, and I want to make those goals happen. ¬†I am starting to think like I used to though–when I meet goal A, B and/or C, then I can injure a little bit. ¬†But, not until I reach those goals because injury could prevent those goals from happening. ¬†I know that if I give in even once to the self harm, my goals will no longer matter so much. ¬†I also know, that once I reach goals A,B AND C, I will have more goals, and injury will also not fit in with those.

The goals I am working on now are 1) buy a house–this is getting to the stressful part. I got the long application for a loan yesterday, and I have to gather a TON of paperwork to send in with the application. ¬†It is very daunting, but doable. 2) My roommate and I are planning a vacation. ¬†This will be a really fun time, and we are both very excited for it. ¬†It won’t happen until late June/early July, but I have to be healthy for it! ¬†3) Find a decent job. ¬†I have a great job. Well it was great. But, then I got a TON of hours reduced (through no fault of my own), and now it isn’t quite so great–I used to work 14 hours a week, now I work 3.5 hours a week. ¬†This means I need a job with more hours–especially if I want to buy a house. Sigh.

So, I’ve got some good goals, but my thoughts are turning to self harm more and more. ¬†I will be 40 on Friday, and I don’t want to harm myself after I am 40. ¬†But, my birthday is a rough time of year for me. ¬†I know if the thoughts get too bad, and I am too likely to act on them, the hospital may be an option. ¬†But I don’t think I’m there yet. (I went briefly last June when some serious losses were going on, and it helped immensely. ¬†I was in and out quickly, and it served it’s purpose well). ¬†I am VERY wary of the hospital, because I have been a bit of a hospital addict in the past. Also, I would HATE to go to the hospital when my therapist is out sick. ¬†I don’t want her to think she can’t be sick or have time away from the office without my going to the hospital. ¬†I have been seeing her about five years now, and I’ve only been in the hospital once, so I suppose that isn’t realistic. ¬†The first few years I did live in a residential care facility, which made hospitalization not as needed. ¬†I chose to make the RCF a safe place for me, even though at the beginning I didn’t want to stop injuring. ¬†I could have harmed myself there if I wanted to (we weren’t locked, there were things around to use etc.), but I chose not to. ¬†Also, there were staff there 24/7 so there was always someone to talk to. ¬†My friends all lived there too, and I could talk to them.

Right now, I know I won’t injure. I would hate to let my roommate down like that. I would hate to let myself down like that. I have too many goals. ¬†Hopefully by the time I reach my goals, I will have more goals, and less desire to harm myself.

Sigh.

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Motivation

Posted by esoper1976 | March 6th, 2016

I just watched a very triggering episode of Grey’s Anatomy. ¬†I have been doing lots of things to trigger myself lately. ¬†It doesn’t help that it is my bad time of year. ¬†It’s exactly 20 years since the really bad stuff happened, so it’s not as bad as it used to be. ¬†Time and therapy and such have made things better. ¬†Of course, there are some things going on right now that are not of my making that are triggering me. ¬†And, I guess that makes me want to seek out more triggering things.

I have not, nor am I planning to hurt myself. ¬†But, I am thinking lots of thoughts. ¬†And, probably feeling lots of feelings–and probably trying to avoid feeling those feelings.

I have come a long way in the last six and a half years!! ¬†Six and a half years ago, I entered a RCF (residential care facility) for the mentally ill. I was there for three years, and I have been on my own for three and a half years now. (with a great roommate whom I met at the RCF). ¬†Before the RCF, I was in the hospital one week every month (all self harm related, sometimes psych sometimes not). ¬†I have been in the hospital only once these past six years–last June, when I needed a quick med tune up. ¬†It was a quick in and out. ¬†I was going to think of it as a failure, but then I realized it was a success. ¬†I got the help I needed before hurting myself, and I didn’t stay forever–I left as soon as I was better.

Now, I’m trying to buy a house (and I’ll rent a room to my roommate, because I wouldn’t be where I am now without her). ¬†This is a good thing, but kinda scary too. ¬†But, it’s not what is triggering me. ¬†It is my goal that is keeping me going. ¬†Whenever I think about self harm, or other forms of self sabotage, I think about my goal of owning a house. Then I realize that if I do bad things to myself, I might not reach that goal. ¬†Right now, I am very close to reaching that goal (starting to fill out mortgage applications and look at houses), so I will NOT let myself get in the way of owning a house!!

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I hope…….

Posted by Pam L. | November 8th, 2015

Hello all,

I’m one of the blog moderators, and I’m noticing that the blog is not very active these days. ¬†My favorite thing about this blog is that it’s a safe place on the internet for people to go and ¬†be able to give and receive some support. ¬†There are so many places on line that are graphic and can be triggering, and yet, so few that truly help to support people and encourage positive support without being triggering.

I’d love to respond to each person and often feel as if I should – but I keep reminding myself that it’s not my blog or SAFE Alternatives’ place to go for support or to give support solely. ¬†It’s for you all to support each other.

To newer blog members РWelcome!  Keep reaching out for help because you are NOT alone.

Best wishes to everyone and I hope you’ll keep on writing. ¬†Everyone needs support now and then, every.single.person.

Pam L.

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S.A.F.E. Alternatives App

Posted by karenceo | February 3rd, 2015

32

The S.A.F.E. Alternatives iTunes App has been updated, and is working. To view the App, click the iTune icon above.

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Relapse

Posted by balletfreak | May 15th, 2014

I started self injuring around 6 years ago and soon after went through the S.A.F.E. adolescent program back when it was in Texas. I never COMPLETELY stopped injuring, but i was doing it very very infrequently (once or twice a year).

Recently after a bad bout of depression i have had a relapse. In the last few months i have injured more than i have in a long time. Maybe even more than when before i went into treatment 6 years ago. The depression has mostly subsided, but the urge to injure has not. The frequency varies. I know i shouldn’t do it, and i know that eventually i will have to stop, but right now i have absolutely no desire to stop.

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Self Injury Awareness Day 2014

Posted by Pam L. | February 20th, 2014

Please join us in St. Louis, MO as we honor Self Injury Awareness day on February 28, 2014.

Please click on this link for more information:  http://www.selfinjury.com/pdf/Feb28%20SI%20Awareness.pdf

We hope you are able to join us, or let us know how you plan to honor Self Injury Awareness Day. ¬†It can be by learning more about the subject, making it a goal NOT to injure yourself in anyway on that day, educating others about the subject, or even reaching out for help. ¬†We’d love to hear your way of honoring this day.

Thanks!

S.A.F.E. Alternatives Staff

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