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Archive for "Adults Connection"

Neglect

Posted by lovemenow | September 9th, 2014

I grew up unaware that other kids ate as much as they wanted, got the attention they needed, and were not yelled at for asking questions. I realized just a few years ago that the childhood I experienced would of been considered neglect. My parents have since then apologized about the lack of care I experienced and have tried to make it up to me and although I don’t blame them anymore I am still uneasy about the whole thing. I find myself struggling to death with the after effects of neglect and it makes me want to relapse and si again. Has anyone had a similar childhood experience? How do I deal with it?

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Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 5th, 2014

I just got off the phone with my dad. ¬†I feel like a horrible horrible person. ¬†For once I stood up for myself and all I want to do right now is cry. ¬†I feel like I hurt his feelings, and I plan on saying the same thing to my mom when I see her. ¬†But I don’t know if I can do it again. ¬†My parents have been fighting like none other for the last couple of months. ¬†I felt like when my dad finally found a job again they wouldn’t fight as much. ¬†Now its been a couple months of horror. ¬†Either they scream at each other, throw me in the middle and I get to listen to both sides of the fighting, or they give each other the silent treatment. ¬†2 months ago I came home from school and my dad had left. ¬†He said he wasn’t coming back. ¬†After I talked to him (at 12 a.m) for two hours he finally came home. ¬†Its just been one issue after another. ¬†Here I am, working full time, going to school full time (at two different schools at that) and trying to stay has healthy as possible with my own issues, and I have to deal with this every night I go home. ¬†Last night I worked so hard making an amazing dinner for my family for football kickoff. ¬†I didn’t get so much as a thank you from my dad who sat there and gave my mom the silent treatment. ¬†Apparently he suddenly hates my aunt now, so when shes there hes quiet. ¬†COOL. ¬†Now theres one more person I love who is on his list that he doesn’t want to talk to. ¬† So today when he called, I finally told him to fix his relationships. ¬†That I was done trying to help them. ¬†They would see less of me until they figured out what they wanted to do with their future cuz I couldnt handle the fighting/silence anymore. ¬†I mean, I’m not a child, I understand adults need to fight it out sometimes, but I still live at home, I shouldnt have to deal with their fighting on a regular basis!!! No ones happy. ¬†Both of them are miserable (I know because I get the hour long phone calls daily about one of them complaining about the other). ¬†But I’m tired of pretending to be happy in front of everyone, but going home and being miserable. ¬†I just cant do it. ¬†I dont want to hurt them, I could really sit here and cry (at work, awesome!). ¬†I don’t even know. ¬†I wish I could afford to move out, but with all my debt from school, I really CANT. ¬†I’m 25 years old with a bachelors degree and I can’t afford to live on my own. ¬†I lead a great life huh? ¬†Ive been SI-ing much more lately. ¬†I just dont want to handle anything anymore. ¬†Its just easier to let off the steam for a lot of whats going on with SI than deal with it. ¬† I cant deal with all the extra stress. ¬†Here I am in grad school, helping other people (which I’ve gotten many compliments on recently surprisingly) yet I cant keep my own life together. ¬†Im falling apart at the seams and no one sees it. ¬†No one realizes I am a MESS. ¬†All I can think of is of hurting myself, just to let off some steam. ¬†Ive been trying to do things I love like reading, but I just cant focus. ¬†I’ll go through a chapter and realize I have no idea what I just read. ¬†Like, whats happening to my mind? Why am I spacing out so much? ¬† I should probably get help. ¬†I cant keep hurting myself. ¬†But the part thats really hard is the fact that when its others (outside my family) I can keep myself separate, I can help them and not let it hurt me. And for a long long time I was able to do it with my parents and just ignore it. ¬†But when I get sucked into this mess I just cant anymore. ¬†The thoughts of giving up and running away come more often than not, but of course that isnt any option. ¬†I just dont know anymore. ¬†I still feel like a horrible person for what I told my dad, and now have to go tell my mom. ¬†Ugh, wish me luck I guess. I dont know, I should get back to work now.

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new

Posted by mferrell | August 19th, 2014

I found this site in hopes to stop hurting myself. ¬†I for the first time told my husband everything and even showed him all my injuries I have tried so hard to hide. ¬†I feel now there is no where to go but up and get better. ¬†For some info, ¬†I’m seeing a therapist and have depression, ¬†anxiety, ¬†and borderline personality disorder.

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Anxiety

Posted by barista.steph | August 15th, 2014

I’m feeling pretty desperate today for a relief from my anxiety. Alcohol and drugs don’t work, I’ve tried it. I tried both last night and it made it worse so I stopped. I’m over those things I think. I’ve been waking up about 4am with this paralyzing anxiety every morning. I usually fall back asleep within a couple hours after. Today it’s stuck around all day :( it’s worse now. I took a 15 min break from work now to try to calm down. I feel like it’s a fever breaking, except these always “break” with tears. It’s such a relief when I finally cry from the built up anxiety. I wish I could force that and get it over with. I feel the tightness on my throat when you’re about to cry. All the noises are so loud and the lights are all so bright. My “flight or fight” button is so broken. I am sort of at a loss for what to do. I’ve used all my coping skills, I’ve done everything I know! It’s not working and I feel so alone :( I’m desperate enough to try self harm when I get home but I’m afraid if I do it just this once that I’ll get “hooked” and it will be hard to stop. I’m also afraid I’ll feel ashamed of myself and start that cycle up. It’s probably not worth the risk of either of those things. But even thinking of the process of getting everything ready is calming.

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Posted by healing | August 6th, 2014

Just sort of need to write it all out. Yesterday my therapist reminded me that I’ve had times like this before– times where I am not with the program– going off the rails– not keeping safe. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Mostly that he reminded me of a specific episode that was really rough and he said it just ended. That it doesn’t go away right away– it may take a few weeks– but it has always ended before. That feels like a big deal. That this isn’t just the new forever state. Some things feel upsetting– like now I’m back on medication that adversely effects me in other ways, but I’m stabilizing, I think. And I’m wondering why this happens to me. The trigger was really clear. I know that stressor that kicked it off. So, I don’t mean why does it happen that way– but why does it happen in a big way– like who am I? Why did it make me feel a bit scared when I wrote that I am stabilizing? The “reward” of not being able to take care of things would be having my outside help to keep someone away from me, who I am much healthier being away from, but whom I feel serious obligation to. But my finger is still on the button. Yesterday too I got really clear that my therapist was there, ready to make a phone call that would say to authorities that this is what I need. That soothes me, very, very much. It’s a out. I’m thinking now about how you push down the button a bit before taking a photo– to let the camera focus. I sent an email today that let someone know that situation was bad, that he was ready to call and that felt like pushing the button half way. My needs vs others needs….. I guess the si thing really came in when I was freaked out about being hurt or exasperated so hurt in the that way by the needs of someone else. This is the first time I’ve been here. Now I’m thinking about facebook. I’m thinking about reading about people taking about it and its role in their lives and I’m feeling guilty that I don’t feel the draw toward it that so many people do– guilty I guess about being introverted– which I’m equating with selfish at this moment. I have to totally back off the decision making for this person– there’s a judge now and I want to turn all deciding over to her. Also, there are social services people and they are slow and not so invested, but I’m better off letting them do things that I could do better and quicker– because if I’m cracking it really isn’t better. Also, I’m not trying to get this person to spend time with me right now, though I think that is what healthy would look like. But it’s not healthy for me. And I totally take a pass on doing anything that isn’t based on just what is best for me. Tomorrow I get an old case manager that I was attached to back. And I get to return a phone call to a new, more intensive level of other vague services that I don’t understand yet. I’m going to have to make sure I don’t get overrun in what they ask of me– I want them to just call my therapist. I feel so bad, like I’m being manipulative or something if I say– which I’ve never really said to anyone– I am falling apart. I can’t manage and you can’t put any single straw more on me because I will not be able to cope. I feel so much like– or think– this is a thinking problem, not a feeling problem– the thinking problem is that I seem to be believing that if I communicate that my mental health needs to be factored in I am a bad person– mentally ill– defunct– invalid. And since I’m invalid I should just be ignored and I am just trying to manipulate by saying I am about to crack. I think that I have no right to change the environment– I am the one who should change. I should change the way I feel and I should certainly change the way I have been behaving. I just haven’t always been caring. I have been trying, then slipping. It really has been more than I can do by myself to keep safe. I’ve had help from my therapist– bless him. I’ve never seen him in a pose that isn’t unusual for me– hands (open palms) pressed to the sides of his head. I keep thinking about having seen that. I don’t know if he knew I was looking bc I mostly wasn’t look at him and I had my face in my hands– but it feels so curious that he did that. I feel a little relieved to have stressed him… I am trying not to judge that. So, I’m getting these other forms of help tomorrow. If there are snags I will feel hopeless. And I have let a lawyer know that I am not well. I want to say things like why can’t I do what other people do– but, actually, this is not a common situation. People don’t actually go around dealing with this sort of stuff all the time and for the most part I handle it like a champ. Right now I just can’t work on it. What I want is to make someone else the decider, which the judge sort of is but a lot is based on what I want. I’m no longer… or, right now… not capable of doing the preliminary thinking. The case manager I like has seen things over the years in a couple small doses. I want him to be the preliminary decider whos judgement is brought to the judge in place of my own. I have made errors in the past by turning things over to others- not sure if this is that sort of situation. I wish I could sign legal power of attorney over to him…… What I need to recall is that there is no special plan for me– no force that has things fated for me to get really hurt. And I need to remember that pleasure and happiness are not bad or shameful. And I need to remember that every time I try and apply myself to a current issue around this person I loose it- so I need to just stop doing it.

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I don’t know what to do

Posted by barista.steph | July 31st, 2014

I came so close to self harm this evening, for hours the idea has been taunting me but I just know it won’t help. I just know it, through years of trial and error and trying to make it a part of my life, it just won’t help. So now what. I just drank a little, actually only a very little which surprises even me, and to help me relax a little so I can sleep. I still don’t I will sleep. Our landlord said she wants the full $800 for rent tomorrow, for JULY rent. I don’t have it! I don’t physically have the money because I don’t make that much money and the truck driving thing has been such a scam but she can’t quit now-if she quits now we have to pay $4,000. So $800 by tomorrow. I sucked up my pride and asked my father, because he has the money, out of desperation, trust me it’s the LAST thing I wanted to do. He said me and one of my dogs can come live with him. I have a very sweet pitbull that he likes, my other dog is a spaz but she’s my family and I adore her and my cats are all old I’m not abandoning them! I felt like that was such an insensitive thing to say. I don’t expect my parents to help me, and if I had been irresponsible and this could have been avoided then I’d be less resentful but I am full of resentment tonight. I’m 27 and should be able to pay my own yes, but he has the money and no way could we have predicted this all playing out this way. I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m scared to be evicted. I will send the $300 that I have to her tomorrow what else can I do. If I looked like my sisters maybe I’d sell my body for money. I’ve been praying a lot, that’s all I know to do at this point. Right now tonight that’s all I’ve got. My chest hurts and my head hurt from stress. This is the worst financial situation I’ve ever been in and I’m scared.

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Young Adults Needed for a Research Study

Posted by Laurel66 | July 29th, 2014

Individuals needed to participate in an Internet-based study looking at the experiences of people who access Internet message boards to talk about self-injury. This is a research study being conducted by a psychology graduate student.  Please respond if you meet the following requirements:

1)    You are between the ages of 18 and 25, fluent in English, and living in the United States.

2)    You have personal experience with self-injury within the past year.

3)    You currently access an online self-injury message board (one or more) at least once a week, and you have done this for at least three months.

4)    You feel you have experienced support of some kind from the board(s).

5)    Your self-injury is not suicidal in intent.

If the above descriptions apply to you or you have any questions about the study, please email Laurel Brow at selfinjuryresearch@hushmail.com.  If you are included in the study, you will be asked to complete a confidential questionnaire through email. You will receive a $15 Amazon gift card as a token of appreciation for your participation.

 

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Posted by barista.steph | July 19th, 2014

I’m going through a rough time right now and I need to talk about it. My partner got a job where she will be traveling a lot and going into it it was supposed to be three weeks apart and four days home. It’s been three weeks, we found out yesterday it will be another full 6 weeks before she can come home for THREE days. I’m so angry at this company. Everything they’ve said has been a bunch of lies AND the pay will be half of what was advertised. I have drank some since she’s been gone, but I’ve been careful to not drink to cope. Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had on a long time, I didn’t want to drink or get high but I was so stressed out about money and how we will pay rent for this month and next month and if we get kicked out where will we go with all our pets and my sick elderly cat needs to go to the vet and my car is acting up and all these bills and work is decreasing my hours and I’ve hanging on just by a thread. I feel like I’m treading water by praying to god a lot and exercising and not drinking when I know I shouldn’t and not self harming. I’ve been just feeling the feelings and not fighting. My anxiety is so hard to handle right now. I was extra hormonal yesterday and usually I have my partner on days like that-the days I wake up and automatically feel suicidal, and she’ll hold me as long as I need and that helps. But last night was my first REALLY hard day alone and I hugged my pillow and cries for what felt like hours. The ugly cry, wailing and exhausting. I’m just trying to have a little faith that this hard time will pass and we will be ok. That I will be ok, that my anxiety will lessen. Before my big cry last night, I considered self harm, I got a tool I keep by bed to my body to remember what it’d feel like and then I just stopped because it brought me no comfort and no peace. I didn’t want to do it, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore-I want to take care of myself and I’m glad that I think I’m worth that much now. I miss her a lot and I miss my therapist and I miss my parents.

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Any Encouragement?

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | June 30th, 2014

Okay, so this has really been bugging me lately and I want to know what anyone out there has to say on this, particularly those of you who are married. Who is going to want someone with all of these self-inflicted scars on her? What kind of person is going to want to marry a person who has, well, all of that?

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Posted by healing | June 7th, 2014

To just get to the chase– I’m really not at risk of harming now or any time soon. I’ve gotten good at using tools– I can calm myself down some, distract myself some, soothe myself some. I mentioned something about wanting to hurt myself to punish myself for something to the my therapist a few months ago- he said that I never say anything about punishment as motive– I told him I was just being braver, telling him more. He told told me in the course of that that (is it unbecoming to share so much here, anonymously? what does “unbecoming mean? In 12 step anonymity is akin to spirituality– it’s the place of us all in the big flow…. It’s safe to share.) — he told me that me that I had done plenty of “less than stellar” things in the past and I’d never said anything about punishing myself. I was instantly jarred– what had I done? He took a moment then laughed- Mostly just punish yourself. That’s coming up now because harming as an impulse has been on the radar a lot. Why that’s happening is it’s own subject. But I’m so struck by what a deterrent his judgement has been. I thought judgement was ineffective and bad what I should be trying to avoid– his his judgement has helped me a lot to stay safe. It had never occurred to me that hurting myself was something bad. I had no idea. I want to articulate more, the shift that’s there with the idea of it as a bad thing, not something to rectify badness. It’s weird, that’s the best I have.

The next subject is about where I belong. I’m pretty sure that that answer would be that it is appropriate for me to be writing here if I’m not in immediate danger. Or maybe even danger. I’m not in danger. That’s very weird. But I don’t know where to go with myself. I’ve been on a many years long journey of therapy, etc. I’ve overcome a lot. But its like, if at first the sands are really shifting under my feet in a big way all the time and all I can do to stay standing is focus on the shifting sands and work on keeping my balance, largely by asking for help….. but then, gradually, the sands start to shift less. Now it’s a life that’s well enough within the range of what’s normal– it’s stable in ways. I move around freely. DO what I want to do. And I have generous appreciation for simple freedoms, simple securities. I get better and better at being kind to myself– today that meant stopping for lunch– it meant taking time to socialize– not rushing– prioritizing myself– being a bit late for something totally inconsequential, but I said I’d be there at 10 and didn’t get there until 11– and they couldn’t have cared less– probably didn’t even recall when I said I’d arrive– but, still– I said when so I could have used it push myself, be uncomfortable. Often, daily life is easier. And bad days now are probably about what good days then where. So where does that leave me? It doesn’t leave me kicked out of therapy. Hard as that is for me to believe. I feel a deep concern of it leaving me kicked off here too. But that doesn’t make sense. I think I would like to read me if I was where I was when I first posted here, which must be about 5 years ago now.

Where this is all coming from is inadequate time to process. And the lingering feelign that I just don’t get “it”– “it” being How to Be. I’m not looking for a figure it all out place– I don’t believe in that. The details are that my mental health plan, totally unsanctioned by my therapist, was to avoid men. But I’ve been talking to a man and I don’t think he would ever hurt me. I don’t know if I’m attracted exactly to him, or just the idea that he would be safe to experiment with closeness. So I’m afraid I’m using him. And I do really like him as a friend. Then I ran into someone else I barely know today he he stopped and chatted with me. He was on his way to go do volunteer work. And it was just shocking– like I opened some energy and now there are men on the planet who aren’t dangerous. I’m terrified. I really need sittign and writing and looking at it all time. But now I have normal people problems– like I am working full-time plus and I don’t know how to get to everything. I am suspicious of my business, or the way it obliterates most of the time I would have spent on reflection. I’m scared to what will happen to my creative life without the reflection time, and I also don’t particularly care what happens to it– and that’s even scarier. Right now the big problem is looking like how can live deeply and enjoy the growth-fulness of the activities I am involved with, and also get more social, and also make extra money to address the fact that I didn’t save a dime in the many years I wasn’t well, and keep the dog walked (he hasn’t been father than the yard for a month), and and and. write all that out sort of surfing along the top it, not crushed by it. What is it, though, that my energy comes and goes. That there are days where I could be workign on a project, but I just sit still. I’m much happier working. Today I would have liked to make myself do paperwork-y kinds of things but I see my energy getting smaller and smaller– I decided that maybe I can just do small bits of that at a time– this is week 3 pr more of trying to take care the paper stuff in my free time– so I did physical/real world/grounded/around other people sorts of things. I think that was a good way to manage myself. …….SI is on the radar. It would quiet everything. And it would give me a secret to hold and protect. I have to keep on working on being easier on myself.

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