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Archive for "Adults Connection"

Struggling to keep up the momentum…

Posted by lyd_n92 | May 17th, 2016

This is my first time returning to this site in years. I struggled with severe self injury 7 years ago, went through the S.A.F.E. Inpatient & Outpatient programs, and have done so well since then, only having a small relapse once/year  or so .

However, I have had a setback lately… I wouldn’t say there has been a trigger, or an emotionally damaging situation that has made my thoughts revert to self injury.. I’m on medication for depression, and I feel as if it’s not working as well as it should. I’ve been consumed with the urge, and have finally found myself incapable of saying “no.”

I’m so conflicted, because I know I shouldn’t do it, I know it’s not the correct way to handle my emotions, and I know I should want to stop for me. Sometimes it just gets so hard to continue to be strong day in and day out, and consistently tell myself no. I have thoughts about it not every day, but at least two-three times a week. I have been so good at saying “no” but lately it’s just been so much harder..

I’m going to see a therapist again…I stopped going because I was doing really well. It’s discouraging to know that I can’t just keep the good momentum going on my own. It’s exhausting to think about being plagued by this need for the rest of my life. I know I will continue to say no to the best of my ability, because I am strong, and I am worth it, and I¬†know that.

Some days it’s just harder than others to believe myself when I say it… I’m a huge follower of TWLOHA, and I love their vision statement… “The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know. The vision is hope, and hope is real.” If only I can keep reminding myself of that every day.

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Living in between

Posted by goldenscribe | May 10th, 2016

So things have been really bad emotionally, yet somehow I haven’t self injured. Or taken up anything bad. And I feel like I somehow “should” because survivors of trauma and patients are “supposed” to do bad things to themselves. (There have definitely been times I wanted to self injure until I could not see straight.)

Sometimes I wonder if doing the self injury has any advantage—then I realize that numbing the pain is worse since when you feel it it is terrible.

I’m beginning to wonder if the repressed grief I have is finally starting to come forth. Somatic Experience is getting rid of some of it and has definitely helped me be triggered less.

Life isn’t easy right now. Thanks to my dad’s 30 years of smoking, even though he quit almost 18 years ago, he is now in the hospital with cancer and heart disease. This hospital stuff has taken over my entire life, despite doing my PhD.

I am still in regular therapy. I’m beginning to realize the patterns I have which is assume people know things, shut them off when they don’t, tell them to leave me alone or act so horrible they do anyway, and …… well, it used to be SI. Now it’s I have to sit there and FEEL it. And it sucks. And I don’t know how to go about life with zero expectations from others.

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struggling with urges

Posted by help127 | May 3rd, 2016

I have not self harmed for 7 months now.¬† THis is the longest length of itme I have gone without harming.¬† I thought as time went on that it would get easier and easier.¬† However, I have found that to be false.¬† The longer it has been since I harmed, the harder it is to not do it.¬† This seems backwards to me.¬† I don’t understand why it is so hard now.¬† Did anyone out there find this to be true for them?¬† If so, how did you make it through?¬† I don’t want my stretch to end, but I am feeling that it is going to.¬† The urges are getting so very hard to ride out and not act on.¬† I feel very alone and scared I am going to mess up again.¬† Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Posted by esoper1976 | March 16th, 2016

I wish this site were more active. ¬†I really like knowing I can come to a trigger free place. ¬†Sometimes I purposefully go to triggering places, I guess as a way of mentally self harming, but sometimes (like now) I know I HAVE to stay away from the triggers, or my thoughts might turn into actions. ¬†Also, I’m a fairly creative person, and I often use triggering places to help me think of new ways to self harm. ¬†This is not good.

I was supposed to see my therapist last week, but I couldn’t. ¬†She is out of the office, and no one knows when she will return. ¬†(she injured her foot and had surgery). ¬† This is not great for me right now–I really need to talk to her, but I can’t. ¬†I know if things get desperate I can call and talk to the after hours person, but doing that scares me too. ¬†I have no idea what they will say. ¬†I did get to see my med provider this week, and he said if I need to talk before my therapist returns (we are both hoping she will be back in time for my next scheduled appointment on the 31st), I can always call and make an appointment with him. ¬†This is good to know. ¬†But I don’t want to need to do that either.

I have been clean for six and a half years, and I don’t want to lose that. I am also reaching towards some very good goals, and I want to make those goals happen. ¬†I am starting to think like I used to though–when I meet goal A, B and/or C, then I can injure a little bit. ¬†But, not until I reach those goals because injury could prevent those goals from happening. ¬†I know that if I give in even once to the self harm, my goals will no longer matter so much. ¬†I also know, that once I reach goals A,B AND C, I will have more goals, and injury will also not fit in with those.

The goals I am working on now are 1) buy a house–this is getting to the stressful part. I got the long application for a loan yesterday, and I have to gather a TON of paperwork to send in with the application. ¬†It is very daunting, but doable. 2) My roommate and I are planning a vacation. ¬†This will be a really fun time, and we are both very excited for it. ¬†It won’t happen until late June/early July, but I have to be healthy for it! ¬†3) Find a decent job. ¬†I have a great job. Well it was great. But, then I got a TON of hours reduced (through no fault of my own), and now it isn’t quite so great–I used to work 14 hours a week, now I work 3.5 hours a week. ¬†This means I need a job with more hours–especially if I want to buy a house. Sigh.

So, I’ve got some good goals, but my thoughts are turning to self harm more and more. ¬†I will be 40 on Friday, and I don’t want to harm myself after I am 40. ¬†But, my birthday is a rough time of year for me. ¬†I know if the thoughts get too bad, and I am too likely to act on them, the hospital may be an option. ¬†But I don’t think I’m there yet. (I went briefly last June when some serious losses were going on, and it helped immensely. ¬†I was in and out quickly, and it served it’s purpose well). ¬†I am VERY wary of the hospital, because I have been a bit of a hospital addict in the past. Also, I would HATE to go to the hospital when my therapist is out sick. ¬†I don’t want her to think she can’t be sick or have time away from the office without my going to the hospital. ¬†I have been seeing her about five years now, and I’ve only been in the hospital once, so I suppose that isn’t realistic. ¬†The first few years I did live in a residential care facility, which made hospitalization not as needed. ¬†I chose to make the RCF a safe place for me, even though at the beginning I didn’t want to stop injuring. ¬†I could have harmed myself there if I wanted to (we weren’t locked, there were things around to use etc.), but I chose not to. ¬†Also, there were staff there 24/7 so there was always someone to talk to. ¬†My friends all lived there too, and I could talk to them.

Right now, I know I won’t injure. I would hate to let my roommate down like that. I would hate to let myself down like that. I have too many goals. ¬†Hopefully by the time I reach my goals, I will have more goals, and less desire to harm myself.




Posted by esoper1976 | March 6th, 2016

I just watched a very triggering episode of Grey’s Anatomy. ¬†I have been doing lots of things to trigger myself lately. ¬†It doesn’t help that it is my bad time of year. ¬†It’s exactly 20 years since the really bad stuff happened, so it’s not as bad as it used to be. ¬†Time and therapy and such have made things better. ¬†Of course, there are some things going on right now that are not of my making that are triggering me. ¬†And, I guess that makes me want to seek out more triggering things.

I have not, nor am I planning to hurt myself. ¬†But, I am thinking lots of thoughts. ¬†And, probably feeling lots of feelings–and probably trying to avoid feeling those feelings.

I have come a long way in the last six and a half years!! ¬†Six and a half years ago, I entered a RCF (residential care facility) for the mentally ill. I was there for three years, and I have been on my own for three and a half years now. (with a great roommate whom I met at the RCF). ¬†Before the RCF, I was in the hospital one week every month (all self harm related, sometimes psych sometimes not). ¬†I have been in the hospital only once these past six years–last June, when I needed a quick med tune up. ¬†It was a quick in and out. ¬†I was going to think of it as a failure, but then I realized it was a success. ¬†I got the help I needed before hurting myself, and I didn’t stay forever–I left as soon as I was better.

Now, I’m trying to buy a house (and I’ll rent a room to my roommate, because I wouldn’t be where I am now without her). ¬†This is a good thing, but kinda scary too. ¬†But, it’s not what is triggering me. ¬†It is my goal that is keeping me going. ¬†Whenever I think about self harm, or other forms of self sabotage, I think about my goal of owning a house. Then I realize that if I do bad things to myself, I might not reach that goal. ¬†Right now, I am very close to reaching that goal (starting to fill out mortgage applications and look at houses), so I will NOT let myself get in the way of owning a house!!

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Adventures in safety….

Posted by healing | February 24th, 2016

I posted last week when I hadn’t posted in maybe a year. I still haven’t had a relapse in action and the relapse of repetitive thoughts/urges is less of a problem then it was last week. But last week I was attributing an uptick in urges to going off meds. I also said that my work situation couldn’t be more ideal. That’s has I was feeling. In retrospect I can see that as suspicious thinking because it’s very black and white– I was reporting All White. Yesterday my therapist pointed out to me that in my last job I didn’t have these problems… I was telling him I’m ok until the second I stop working then the urges rush in and are sticky and difficult and exhausting. My new job…. There are ways in which it isn’t very good for me. My last job was simple. I’ve now skipped way ahead in my career, but there’s a lot of pressure to do everything perfectly– with “perfectly” meaning to the specs of my boss’ whims. And my boss isn’t the most ethical person, which is a little hard for me too. Overall, I’m getting great experience and I’m building a department. I don’t want to leave. I think it would be easy for me to get a different job… I think I stand out at the level I am because I am someone who would be much higher if life problems hadn’t interfered so much… Which is a perfect example of feel great about myself (I’m smart, I stand out) and feel less than (I am what’s left of a person after going through so much)…. I really have no answer. If I had physical health problems it would be easy to say my limitation is X….. But I don’t know how to say, or it there is even a way to say- I have to leave the office the office at 6- cannot stay late because my mental health suffers too much if I don’t have time to meet my other needs…. I mean- no way am I going to say that. Is there some version of that that can be said? And there are big projects with fast-paced deadlines and I am in charge. …that sounds like it’s just too big of a job for my wellbeing. I can hire extra help, but as more people come on ideas get bigger and I am still in charge. I also get interrupted constantly- more often by my boss than anyone else. I’ve started to say to him – can’t talk now- I have too much work to do. That works. But the old job where all I did was focus was good for my mind. Interruptions and shards of experience aren’t good for my mind. I isn’t good for my mind to not have time to exercise. It isn’t good for my mind to work 6-7 days a week. Those are at least concrete bits of information that I have to work with. But I’m pretty confused about navigating.

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Posted by barista.steph | February 21st, 2016

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written on this blog. I think of it often and how it got me through so many rough times and so many sleepless nights. I feel full of thoughts tonight and like I need to let it go somewhere. I’m not as used to being as vulnerable as I was before. I’ve been clean and sober from drugs and alcohol for one year and three months, self harm free for two and a half years. I don’t keep track of it so much anymore but I wanted to say that for anyone who is struggling and feels like going 24 hours without it is impossible. That’s how I used to feel. I have self harm on the brain because I was at Michaels, the craft store, this afternoon and I saw things that I used to use as tools and it caught me off guard how it made me feel. Reminiscent, sad, excited, a little tempting. Then I moved on. I try not to let those thoughts dwell in my mind for too long anymore. I think a lot of my relapses with alcohol and self harm started with letting an enticing thought go on a little too long and not talking to anyone about it. I think another thing that led to some relapses was focusing on the quick relief I’d get and not the terrible things that followed. I used to feel like there were two parts of me, the good side and the bad side. The good side always wanting to do better and get better and heal and the bad side wanting to cause mayhem and destruction and sabotage myself. Now I feel complete, like one integrated being with good qualities and some things I can work on. Most days I don’t feel that self destructive little monster in my brain, I don’t know where it went but it’s gone and I’m so grateful. I think maybe healing the guilt and the shame by opening my mouth and shining light on all that twisted up darkness made it dissipate. Self harm was always my “go to”, it was my best friend, it was my escape, my punishment, my relief, my very biggest comfort before I found alcohol and then it was still there always along side each other working together to help me slowly kill myself. When I stopped self harming I still kept tools with me for comfort, on one particularly hard night I even slept with them, just knowing they were there but not actually using them. My therapist never told me not to, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t encouraged either. Tonight leaving a 12 step meeting, I drove past near the hospital I was in 5 years ago. That day I had a suicide plan and I didn’t care if I lived or died and I walked around downtown the city I live in very intoxicated and out of my mind and I was harming myself in public and I blacked out. My memories are still fuzzy about the hours after and then I came to in the hospital on the psychiatric floor. I stayed there a few days and was detoxed and rested for a little bit and wow, its been such a hard, winding road through recovery since then. Passing by that hospital tonight brought all of this back to me like it was yesterday and I broke down. I hadn’t thought about that time in a long time. Tears of gratitude just exploded from me. I have no idea how I got from that girl walking around downtown hurting herself, so intoxicated I could barely stand, to where I am tonight. If I had to guess its by a lot of uncomfortable work in therapy, a lot of uncomfortable things in general, learning to call people and talk when I don’t want to, using people as support when I need to, sitting through anger and sadness and happiness and anxiety and letting it flow through me even when it feels like it will kill me, and probably a lot of grace from God. If you’re struggling, reach out, there is always help. One of my most favorite lines from one of my favorite books says that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

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Posted by healing | February 15th, 2016

I am coin. Two sides. I have been safe for a really long time. Minor slip-up, but it’s been years that I’ve been able to maintain. I went off meds. When you have been on meds for years you don’t know what they were doing, until they are gone. They were helping me. I’m more easily triggered without them. I can mostly control my behavior. Even if one side of me does not want to control it. Part of me wants to let go. Part of me has picked all these places and just want to release into it, to nose dive. My thoughts have gotten‚Ķ like the more I think about it the more the thoughts come. I can interrupt the thoughts with yoga. And somewhat interrupt them with work. At work what I need is to be left alone and allowed to just focus. I can remember to protect myself from interruption at work. I will be doing a lot of computer stuff– my plan will be to put my headphones in and listen to my yoga music. I’ve worked really, really, really hard to be well. I left an abusive relationship. I continue to navigate a difficult relationship with my son. I went from being a woman who didn’t have keys to her own house, her own wallet, no friends, to being someone who learned to call the cops when needed– to being free to move around in the world. When I think back to then I seem like I’m in a new universe now. I’ve built a career that couldn’t be more perfect. I have a team of people working under my supervision. I learn and grow. What I always wanted was involvement with a group of other serious yoga students. I even have that now. This is all part of why I thought I didn’t need the medication. I thought I was better. I don’t want to need medication. Off it I had one serious crash, then I came out of it and thought I’d wait to see if it was a one-time thing. Now I haven’t gotten as mentally off-track as the last time, but I am having a hard time. This started Friday. It’s Monday now. That’s a long time to keep righting myself and righting myself. I wouldn’t make it without help. I don’t talk to my friends about stuff like this. But I have a responsive therapist. Not great that today is a holiday, but I will live. Thinking back to the past reminds me of how far I have come. And I am proud of having coming so far. But the aspect that I could still get like this, despite all the change makes me feel badly about myself. I guess I can just keep my thoughts on proud side. At my work there’s a woman there who calls me “smiley” because I always seem so happy. That makes me really, really happy. A sort-of friend and new person and I started a book group. I was the one at the table with the unrelenting positive outlook. I take very good care of my physical health. I work all the time on my emotional and spiritual health. I’m writing because I want to stay on the right track. Because I can make a plan– listen to music at work to block out distraction then after work I will go to yoga. If I get overwhelmed still I can always leave a message for my therapist. Tomorrow I will make an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I already talked to her and my therapist at the same time so my therapist could tell her things I could not. She is going to help me get so things aren’t so hard. It doesn’t have to be as hard as this. In the meantime, I have all the tools I need to keep going. I just have to get through this patch. My thoughts might tell me that if I just release into what they want things will get easier, but that isn’t true. If I give in it will just get harder. It’s always like that. And it will be hard to go to yoga if I’m hurt. I have that as a solid reason to stay on this side. Somehow those thoughts are also me. I don’t know why. Why would *I* want that? Thinking about that is actually slowing me down a bit now, in a good way. I don’t want to hurt me.

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Feeling weak

Posted by invisible | February 7th, 2016

The last few weeks have been awful. It has been years since I have felt so out of control. Stress levels are at an all time high. It is as if the whole family is under this oppressive feeling. No on one seems to have joy or peace. It is more than I can bare. Mostly it is money issues that are weighing us down with no end in sight. I feel sad, frustrated and angry more than I feel peace or joy. So overwhelmed. Feeling tired. Just plain tired and stuck. It’s got to get better, right? Feeling crushed by all the crud that life is throwing at us. Invisible, as usual. Nothing I say or do seems to matter.

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Long Time

Posted by painchangedme | January 29th, 2016

I don’t know what to do right now. I have’;t harmed myself since I was 17, It has almost been three years but I feel like crap again. My heart hurts. My whole body hurts. I feel lost and frustrated and unwanted. I feel like I am not worthy of anyone. I was with someone who I thought I was going to marry and he broke up with me and told him that I was wasn’t good enough for him. I feel worthless. I am falling apart again fr the first time in 3 years. Someone please help me. I want to hurt myself to take the emotional pain away. I feel like I deserve it.

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