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Archive for "Adults Connection"

I don’t know what to do

Posted by barista.steph | July 31st, 2014

I came so close to self harm this evening, for hours the idea has been taunting me but I just know it won’t help. I just know it, through years of trial and error and trying to make it a part of my life, it just won’t help. So now what. I just drank a little, actually only a very little which surprises even me, and to help me relax a little so I can sleep. I still don’t I will sleep. Our landlord said she wants the full $800 for rent tomorrow, for JULY rent. I don’t have it! I don’t physically have the money because I don’t make that much money and the truck driving thing has been such a scam but she can’t quit now-if she quits now we have to pay $4,000. So $800 by tomorrow. I sucked up my pride and asked my father, because he has the money, out of desperation, trust me it’s the LAST thing I wanted to do. He said me and one of my dogs can come live with him. I have a very sweet pitbull that he likes, my other dog is a spaz but she’s my family and I adore her and my cats are all old I’m not abandoning them! I felt like that was such an insensitive thing to say. I don’t expect my parents to help me, and if I had been irresponsible and this could have been avoided then I’d be less resentful but I am full of resentment tonight. I’m 27 and should be able to pay my own yes, but he has the money and no way could we have predicted this all playing out this way. I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m scared to be evicted. I will send the $300 that I have to her tomorrow what else can I do. If I looked like my sisters maybe I’d sell my body for money. I’ve been praying a lot, that’s all I know to do at this point. Right now tonight that’s all I’ve got. My chest hurts and my head hurt from stress. This is the worst financial situation I’ve ever been in and I’m scared.

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Young Adults Needed for a Research Study

Posted by Laurel66 | July 29th, 2014

Individuals needed to participate in an Internet-based study looking at the experiences of people who access Internet message boards to talk about self-injury. This is a research study being conducted by a psychology graduate student.  Please respond if you meet the following requirements:

1)    You are between the ages of 18 and 25, fluent in English, and living in the United States.

2)    You have personal experience with self-injury within the past year.

3)    You currently access an online self-injury message board (one or more) at least once a week, and you have done this for at least three months.

4)    You feel you have experienced support of some kind from the board(s).

5)    Your self-injury is not suicidal in intent.

If the above descriptions apply to you or you have any questions about the study, please email Laurel Brow at  If you are included in the study, you will be asked to complete a confidential questionnaire through email. You will receive a $15 Amazon gift card as a token of appreciation for your participation.


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Posted by barista.steph | July 19th, 2014

I’m going through a rough time right now and I need to talk about it. My partner got a job where she will be traveling a lot and going into it it was supposed to be three weeks apart and four days home. It’s been three weeks, we found out yesterday it will be another full 6 weeks before she can come home for THREE days. I’m so angry at this company. Everything they’ve said has been a bunch of lies AND the pay will be half of what was advertised. I have drank some since she’s been gone, but I’ve been careful to not drink to cope. Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had on a long time, I didn’t want to drink or get high but I was so stressed out about money and how we will pay rent for this month and next month and if we get kicked out where will we go with all our pets and my sick elderly cat needs to go to the vet and my car is acting up and all these bills and work is decreasing my hours and I’ve hanging on just by a thread. I feel like I’m treading water by praying to god a lot and exercising and not drinking when I know I shouldn’t and not self harming. I’ve been just feeling the feelings and not fighting. My anxiety is so hard to handle right now. I was extra hormonal yesterday and usually I have my partner on days like that-the days I wake up and automatically feel suicidal, and she’ll hold me as long as I need and that helps. But last night was my first REALLY hard day alone and I hugged my pillow and cries for what felt like hours. The ugly cry, wailing and exhausting. I’m just trying to have a little faith that this hard time will pass and we will be ok. That I will be ok, that my anxiety will lessen. Before my big cry last night, I considered self harm, I got a tool I keep by bed to my body to remember what it’d feel like and then I just stopped because it brought me no comfort and no peace. I didn’t want to do it, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore-I want to take care of myself and I’m glad that I think I’m worth that much now. I miss her a lot and I miss my therapist and I miss my parents.

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Any Encouragement?

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | June 30th, 2014

Okay, so this has really been bugging me lately and I want to know what anyone out there has to say on this, particularly those of you who are married. Who is going to want someone with all of these self-inflicted scars on her? What kind of person is going to want to marry a person who has, well, all of that?


Posted by healing | June 7th, 2014

To just get to the chase– I’m really not at risk of harming now or any time soon. I’ve gotten good at using tools– I can calm myself down some, distract myself some, soothe myself some. I mentioned something about wanting to hurt myself to punish myself for something to the my therapist a few months ago- he said that I never say anything about punishment as motive– I told him I was just being braver, telling him more. He told told me in the course of that that (is it unbecoming to share so much here, anonymously? what does “unbecoming mean? In 12 step anonymity is akin to spirituality– it’s the place of us all in the big flow…. It’s safe to share.) — he told me that me that I had done plenty of “less than stellar” things in the past and I’d never said anything about punishing myself. I was instantly jarred– what had I done? He took a moment then laughed- Mostly just punish yourself. That’s coming up now because harming as an impulse has been on the radar a lot. Why that’s happening is it’s own subject. But I’m so struck by what a deterrent his judgement has been. I thought judgement was ineffective and bad what I should be trying to avoid– his his judgement has helped me a lot to stay safe. It had never occurred to me that hurting myself was something bad. I had no idea. I want to articulate more, the shift that’s there with the idea of it as a bad thing, not something to rectify badness. It’s weird, that’s the best I have.

The next subject is about where I belong. I’m pretty sure that that answer would be that it is appropriate for me to be writing here if I’m not in immediate danger. Or maybe even danger. I’m not in danger. That’s very weird. But I don’t know where to go with myself. I’ve been on a many years long journey of therapy, etc. I’ve overcome a lot. But its like, if at first the sands are really shifting under my feet in a big way all the time and all I can do to stay standing is focus on the shifting sands and work on keeping my balance, largely by asking for help….. but then, gradually, the sands start to shift less. Now it’s a life that’s well enough within the range of what’s normal– it’s stable in ways. I move around freely. DO what I want to do. And I have generous appreciation for simple freedoms, simple securities. I get better and better at being kind to myself– today that meant stopping for lunch– it meant taking time to socialize– not rushing– prioritizing myself– being a bit late for something totally inconsequential, but I said I’d be there at 10 and didn’t get there until 11– and they couldn’t have cared less– probably didn’t even recall when I said I’d arrive– but, still– I said when so I could have used it push myself, be uncomfortable. Often, daily life is easier. And bad days now are probably about what good days then where. So where does that leave me? It doesn’t leave me kicked out of therapy. Hard as that is for me to believe. I feel a deep concern of it leaving me kicked off here too. But that doesn’t make sense. I think I would like to read me if I was where I was when I first posted here, which must be about 5 years ago now.

Where this is all coming from is inadequate time to process. And the lingering feelign that I just don’t get “it”– “it” being How to Be. I’m not looking for a figure it all out place– I don’t believe in that. The details are that my mental health plan, totally unsanctioned by my therapist, was to avoid men. But I’ve been talking to a man and I don’t think he would ever hurt me. I don’t know if I’m attracted exactly to him, or just the idea that he would be safe to experiment with closeness. So I’m afraid I’m using him. And I do really like him as a friend. Then I ran into someone else I barely know today he he stopped and chatted with me. He was on his way to go do volunteer work. And it was just shocking– like I opened some energy and now there are men on the planet who aren’t dangerous. I’m terrified. I really need sittign and writing and looking at it all time. But now I have normal people problems– like I am working full-time plus and I don’t know how to get to everything. I am suspicious of my business, or the way it obliterates most of the time I would have spent on reflection. I’m scared to what will happen to my creative life without the reflection time, and I also don’t particularly care what happens to it– and that’s even scarier. Right now the big problem is looking like how can live deeply and enjoy the growth-fulness of the activities I am involved with, and also get more social, and also make extra money to address the fact that I didn’t save a dime in the many years I wasn’t well, and keep the dog walked (he hasn’t been father than the yard for a month), and and and. write all that out sort of surfing along the top it, not crushed by it. What is it, though, that my energy comes and goes. That there are days where I could be workign on a project, but I just sit still. I’m much happier working. Today I would have liked to make myself do paperwork-y kinds of things but I see my energy getting smaller and smaller– I decided that maybe I can just do small bits of that at a time– this is week 3 pr more of trying to take care the paper stuff in my free time– so I did physical/real world/grounded/around other people sorts of things. I think that was a good way to manage myself. …….SI is on the radar. It would quiet everything. And it would give me a secret to hold and protect. I have to keep on working on being easier on myself.

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Posted by healing | April 13th, 2014

My 12 step sponsor just broke up with me. It freaks me out but I’m also relieved. Though feel nervous about talking to her. She left me a voicemail then I left one for her. What I am doing with the anxiety coming here and writing it down. I am really doing better and better all the time, with some troubles and recoveries and that happen on a faster time line than they used to. 12 step was so helpful to me at a time, but now I experience it mostly as stress- pressure. If I invert it on myself I will tell myself that it’s my fault that experience it as pressure. But that is adding pressure to pressure. I see more and more that the way out of knots is to relax, not to tighten more and ram through. I suppose 12 step was even good at helping me understand that, though I have not “arrived”…. I am experiencing pressure- and my experience counts. I don’t know that I really have much experience with relationships ending- at least not ending without dramatic happenings. So this will be different. And I am scared. I tried to tell my sponsor that, in DBT terms, working program was coming up as a should, not a want. And I have a million shoulds and need to tone them down. I suppose that’s its own little language and way of looking at things– but, to me, the DBT stuff is the instructions on how to *be* and my relationship with my therapist is very much primary in getting healthy, recovering. She wrote back to me that there are no shoulds in Al-Anon and that it was about whether I wanted what program had to offer, and if I wanted it I’d do the work to get it. It felt invalidating of my experience and she was hung up on her way of looking at things. Here- with two programs colliding I feel like I have no self but dbt/therapy is what I cling myself to. I don’t like the feeling of disappearing, but I do like that I feel safe with a program of self-care instead of clinging to a person who is bad for me and having no self there.

There are parts of my life that are still just so sensitive. And I have new experiences of managing all the time. Last week I made a mistake at work- I’m really not fire-able- but I was expecting my boss to be very angry. Shockingly, he wasn’t – at all. But when I went in early to try and fix things I made a trip to get supplies and was so full of feeling like I should be punished. Then walking down isles where I could buy tools. I didn’t do the behavior- but I thought about, instead, what I could buy myself that would be really nice to me instead. It was interesting. Calmed me down. And confused me. I’m confused about punishment. I guess that is the way of trying to resolve tension with more tension. But that’s the basic of how children are taught, how the whole society works. I don’t really understand though why it doesn’t seem to work too well on myself. I don’t know that it works well anywhere. And it makes zero sense that I would do something bad then reward myself. I don’t get it. ….And then too I could see a bit more of what happened that led to the mistake. I got way out of it in therapy the day before and was too un-relaxed and rebellious at the same time and doing something I knew I shouldn’t and feeling race-y and exhilarated by it and I screwed something up. Not quite a mystery. Where that rebellion needs to go is to insisting I have a self and I matter to my mother. I need to stick up for myself. It’s really, really hard. All week I’ve been sort of avoiding it and planned on working on an email today. (How not to experience the need as pressure…) I’ve been really nice to myself today. I got my first ever massage, which was scary and brave and feels like a new thing is open to me now. I bought myself some spring clothes, which I could totally afford. I bought more dental floss and mouthwash- dumb stuff like that- I’ve been out for a couple weeks and somehow freeze up on tiny self care things like- buy more. All of this to be nice to me and help me relax and work on the email- which will probably be all of four sentences long. Then the thing with my (ex)sponsor. I still haven’t writing anything to my mom. Maybe I’ll do it at the laundry mat. I was supposed to work on it with my therapist but it will be easier on my own- at least a draft on my own. And I need to tell my therapist something – I need to tell him- no exploring feelings around this incident- just focus on behavior. I can get through it like that and once it gets any broader I’m just lost and non-verbal. But I don’t even know how to tell him that. I’m confused all about protecting myself. My mom wrote my son a letter about someone who molested me, basically encouraging a relationship between them. When I write it out that seems pretty bad. I feel totally defensive of her. Totally denigrating of myself. I do really believe (I think) that I don’t have the right to interfere in other people’s relationships. Once I actually got the letter (I knew it was coming in advance) I actually felt better. I told my therapist- see! I’m not making it up. He said, who said you were making anything up. I guess I don’t know. He said that his message has been the opposite- that I am minimizing. I missed that message. I can’t wrap my head around anything. I feel like I led my mom on that I was going to let this person into my life. I did that by not standing up for myself more any of the past times she’s tried to get me to “make up” with him. He pov seems so totally reasonable to me. But my therapist says that that’s emotion mind when I see things her way and it’s emotion mind because there isn’t any logic there. ….Anyway – I don’t want to talk to my sponsor about any of this and 12 step is just wrong when people repeat the stuff over and over that you don’t get better if you don’t work the program. Wrong about not making meetings causing backslides. Backslides are generally caused by some not-fair instance in my life. I get closer to having just normal people problems. I loved, kind of, being stressed about a mistake at work because it’s just so banal and wonderfully simple of a thing to worry about. The only real problem is the urges toward self harm that happen in response to it- and those too I learn from, get better with. …. I think I can tell my mother that I am surprised by her letter. I feel like I should be angry, but I’m not. All of that is just directed toward me. But surprise is something I can work with…….

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New to site.

Posted by smudge1 | April 9th, 2014

Ive been SIing since high school and I am in my forties now. Any suggestions for scars?

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Feeling weird

Posted by Geordieland | March 29th, 2014

I got a new friend through facebook about a year ago, I then started to have feelings for her, I’m 33 she is 68 the age gap really makes me feel weird that I have these sexual feelings for her.(Were both females) anyway she knows how I feel, blurted out when I’d been drinking one night. My friend has been very patient and understanding for the most part but I am bordering on obsessed with her, I don’t want to go out much incase I miss her being online, I get jealous when she says she has friends going round, I’ve never even met her in real life and she doesn’t want to. The other day I went on and on about how she mustn’t really like me enough as a friend if she didn’t want to meet me properly, she then basically said I was needy and if I continued I’d push her out the door. I sulked and then SH. My friend knows when something is up and I did mention what I had done without really explaining it was because I couldn’t deal with my feelings for her, she feels responsible and now it just makes me feel worse because I can’t switch off how I feel but I don’t want to lose her as a friend either. If anyone has any suggestions it would be much appreciated, it was my friend who actually found this site for me thinking it might help to speak to others who have SH issues as she doesn’t really understand.

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this morning

Posted by blueray | March 20th, 2014

I woke up angry this morning. My frustration and anxiety is really high right now and I woke up with all these negative feelings. Mostly I am anxious about my future and finding a suitable and fulfilling job. I get really worked up about it and then I get down on myself. There is a lot of competition among the jobs that I am looking for and a lot of that competition has some great qualities and reasons why they should get the jobs too. I just get very anxious and nervous. I am scared about the possibility of not doing what I want to do and letting all my education go to waste. My anxiety level has been so high lately it is impacting my mental state (beyond just the anxiety, anger and frustration). I am finding myself doing more OCD type things. I always have this need to check things multiple times – the oven, make sure I unplugged the appliances, make sure the cat is inside and the doors are locked. I often have to check these things multiple times before I leave home. Although it is annoying, it does not interfere much with my daily life – until recently. My anxiety feels so high that my need to check things is becoming more than just annoying. The other day I drove 30 miles to work (not a paid job) only to get in my office and have this fear that I did not turn the stove off that morning. I lied to my boss and told her I had an appointment, drove the 30 miles back home only to find I did indeed turn off the oven (and probably had checked it at least 5 times that morning). Then I drove the 30 miles back to work. I wonder if medication would help for the anxiety right now, but I also know it won’t help me find a job or ease my fears of the future.

I don’t know what it is about today that has me in this ball of negative emotions. I feel like crying and screaming and being violent toward myself. Although I have a lot of things going for me in terms of getting a good job, I am not as good as other people. Competition is really fierce and I am already getting down on myself for comparing myself to others and always coming out on the short end of things. I tried to to use my tools to help me with all this. I went for a run this morning, only to feel bad that I can’t run as far as I would like too because I am not in shape, and then the neighborhood dogs would bark and growl at me only to feed into the fear that there is something wrong with me.

I found myself praying a lot. I don’t know who to turn to or talk to. I can’t talk to my peers because with some of them I am competing for the same jobs, my husband is great but doesn’t know what to say beyond “things will work out”. Nothing is helping because I am so wrapped up in my own self. If I could just relax, see the bigger picture and have faith and patience maybe it would start to feel better. That is what I prayed for – but also I would like a job and some sense of security with knowing I will have a job.

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Posted by barista.steph | March 12th, 2014

I think early march brings up a lot of stuff for me. I try not to dwell on the past, but I also think sometimes it’s worth reflecting upon. The 9th step promises in the AA big book say “we will not regret the past, not wish to shut the door on it.” I hope that will be true for me one day too.

Three years ago today my Grandma died. I loved her so much. Alzheimer’s is a terrible disease. I wasn’t physically with her the last few years she was alive. I visited once, and I called all the time. My parents moved her into an assisted living facility in Texas. I was cleaning up after her a lot and helping her remember, I was really good at making her laugh and distracting her while I cleaned her up. I miss her so much. I was such a mess before she died. I had to be drunk to call and I got drunk specifically for that reason, so I could call. I was so numb all the time I remember playing the song Angel to make myself cry because I knew I needed to cry but I had myself stuffed so full of alcohol and drugs all the time I couldn’t break through the fog very well.

Then the day after that is the day I cheated on my partner. I don’t know if ever forgive myself for that. I’ve had a lot of memories of him and that day come up the past week. Kind of weird because he came into my job on Sunday. It was so random and good to see him. It brought back so many memories of my using and drinking and messing around with him.

I feel like a different person now. I am a different person. It’s hard to believe that was even me.

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