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I can’t do this. I can NOT stop. What is wrong with me??! I hate myself. I hate hate hate. I’ve BEEN here and I went to rehab and I can’t see my therapist if I keep doing this. Which I understand, it’s be ineffective. I hat myself so so much.

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I keep having this memory replay over and over in my head. I was 9 or 10 and we lived in Oklahoma City. They were 3,5, and 6. My Dad was out of town for work. Now I’m confused, it must have been Oklahoma City but now I don’t remember, it looks like the Tampa house. Either way, it was night and we were practicing for a little church mime thing we were doing as a family. It must have been Christmas time because it was to ” Oh Holy Night”. That means it must have been cold outside. We were practicing in the living room all in our PJ’s and one of them was fussy or messed up or something, maybe we were being annoying or something, my Mom got really, really mad and said she was leaving and never coming back and not to call my Dad, not to tell him. She slammed the front door and she left. I remember them crying and me consoling them and telling them it would be ok. I put them all to bed and I called my Dad and told him. I remember being really scared, and worried about her, and worried how I’d take care of them. It felt like hours but I don’t know how long it really was. I went outside by myself and walked down the block looking for my Mom, I found her swinging on a swing set at the playground that was built in our neighborhood and she had been crying. I wonder sometimes if my mind makes these things up or if they’re real. That had been really scary for a 9 year old. Another memory I keep having is we were driving in the mountains and my Mom was really,really upset. We were in a 15 passenger van and they were asleep but I wasn’t. I was pretending to be asleep because they were fighting. My Mom kept threatening to open the car door and jump out. My Dad was trying to calm her down but she was really mad. I keep remembering her taking off her seatbelt and reaching for the door handle.

I didn’t sleep last night, I spent hours obsessing over drinking. Fighting off the urge, you know ? I don’t have much money this paycheck so I rummaged through the change jars and took them to the grocery store to get cash for my change so I didn’t have to pay in change. I was waiting outside the liquor store for it to open. I spent the morning and afternoon drunk and at some point passed out in my bed. At some point before that I hurt myself  and I don’t know why. The last thing I remember is watching the room spin around me and wondering how I wasn’t sick from drinking. I’m still wondering that. I took two giant advils and my head is still pounding and I feel foggy and like the room is moving. I felt ok for a couple hours after I woke up but I feel sick now. Sick physically and mentally. I don’t feel crazy or out of control, I don’t feel suicidal, I don’t feel like hurting myself. All I feel like doing is getting more alcohol. I guess that is hurting myself. I’m just so confused, by my memories, by the room moving while I’m sober now, at least I think I’m sober. I feel sad. That is one thing I do feel. I don’t feel connected to myself right now.

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Im never important in anyones lives.  I dont understand how this happens.  No one cares if I have plans.  No one cares if I have something to do.  My whole family walks all over me like I dont matter at all.  Im tired of it.  I seriously am tired of it.  All I want to do right now is cry.  Well I cant.  I have to be the strong one.  I have to mess up my day so other people can be happy.  I dont understand how I get to this point so quickly.  I was so ok with everything last night.  My sister in law said shed stay home so I was excited I got a day to myself.  NOPE.  Shes just sitting here while I take care of her children.  What kind person are you? You cant take both of your kids to school  its too hard?  Really??  So I do it twice a week every week since school started and I cant complain?? The one day I tell her I need to nap sometimes because the days are just too long working from 6 to 10 after watching her children she tells me I shouldnt be napping? That taking care of two children for 10 hours  a day isnt hard?? Excuse me?  Who are you to tell me that? I just had your kids all weekend so you could go out to party. And the one day youre home from work you cant even take both your kids??  I dont get it.  I can never have a say in anything. If I do I have “fits.”  Really lady??  Im tired.  I work three jobs.  Im in grad school.  When I find a time in the day, when I find that little loophole, I try to grasp it and take the time I need for myself.  And now that I try to do that Im “throwing fits.”   Im 24 years old. I shouldnt be so stressed out by stupid stuff like this. I shouldnt have to worry so much about other people.  I need to be able to take care of myself.  Not go si the minute I feel like this.  Granted I havnted si-ed yet. But I want to.  OMG I want to.

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I just want to write about some things I’ve been thinking. First, an affirmation that seemed to somtaniously generate in my mind: I matter. I’ve been thinking it and it’s amazing – and I’ve acting like that too. I’ve needed a lot of rest. I’ve been resting. I felt boxed by my family of origin and, miracle of miracles, I said something– actually I think the miracle of a cold was the miracle. I also blurted something out in group that was good for me. And now this sort of summary thinking about how good to me the answer to all (some) of my problems is- really just knowing I matter. And being nice to me. Could have it been that obvious all along? I would like to believe that I am in the reward stage right now – these have been really really some rough years. And now there are the famair issues with my family of origin surfacing – chronic invalidation, I suppose – the problems I fled when I fled into a controlling man who provided me with isolation. I am free now and the stuff I ran from is still there…. That seemed a lot more hopeful than I think it came out.

I told them how I felt. I said I had terms that involved respect… Only said it all nicely and was sort of responded to. How odd to find myself run down with a cold and behaving more skfullu – defaulting to newly learned behavior and instead the old freeze response – without my full health there was less of my mind present and it worked for me. I’m somewhere between awe and puzzled.

I’ve been recalling the library when I was child. It was newly constructed and had cathedral ceilings. I wasn’t raised religiously so it was probably the first time I was in a building that seemed architecturally engineered to inspire awe. I’m not sure if my mother suggested it or I had the thought on my own- surveying all the high, packed shelves- that some person wrote each and everyone one of them. I was a child then but I knew a book was the greatest possible human accomplishment. My job is sort of related to that now. I’ve been having a crisis of faith as I’m finishing a long project. But also turning toward creating that awe in my life- it isn’t hard to evoke. It’s been an interesting sort of choosing. Managing my emotions, I suppose.

And gettin to see up close how sure I feel that I will be under the weather for the rest of my life because I’m sick today. And seeing how that just can’t be true. It’s the clearest picture I’ve had of emotional life – that simple problem of not being able to recall one star when I’m in another- feeling convinced by some wrong idea of permanence. … This has been a really good cold for me.

And I’m having the thought a lot “attachment is the clinical term for love” – I think that’s true, or true enough. There is someone I am very attached to. I feel like a bird in a nest. – that’s therapy – goofy but I’ll take it. These are very strong feelings – it seemed that no one believed in me .,,now it takes the whole better- but referred out over and over. Until findin someone I could really work with. It’s been years. Some of my first encouragement to stay with it- reach out- came from this blog. And I did it. And I can’t believe the version of reality I’ve learned- I’m going to almost nauseated myself – but all the years reduce to two words — I matter. Who knew.

I know this euphoria is temporary. And that’s ok. I’ve also been thinking about tracks. I remember a patia trust early on telling about overall direction things where going in- that’s what she was looking at. At the time that was mind blowing. Now it’s kind of obvious – but I guess my world really had no directionality – not in my perception. I’ve been thinking about the phrases “in the right path” and “on the right track” – those imply whole world views that look not just at the moment but direction. So things seem kind of scary. It’s scary to up against old family stuff- and it’s all about trauma where my brain shuts down … But if I’m not just at this moment- if I know I have faith in my path because it has already proven and proven… Then if I listen to those same learnings in this situation… There’s something to follow – trust. Maybe attachment is the clinical word for trust. … The point is these new/old challenges – it isn’t in isolation- it’s within directionality. And things are better when I trust that the I feel matters. …I can look at what stops me – I don’t know what it is but I can use the frame to look for it…. My emotions have shifted. Now I’m scared. But I am going to be fine. Am fine.

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well im new here. just signed up last nite. im reading these posts and im thinking wow i am not alone. ive been a victim of S.I. for 14 years now. im 27 and feel like im going no where with my life. i have an abusive past history from my dad and it has caused many of the feelings i feel today. i was in nursing school for 7 years at a local community college and i kept failing and retaking classes until finally i failed out of school. if only i would have succeeded i would be so successful right now. but im not im the complete opposite. living paycheck to paycheck eating ramen noodles for dinner and barely making it by. i moved out of my parents house in 2010 with my boyfriend. i thought it was the greatest idea ever. i was getting away from what caused me the most pain in my life. my dad. my boyfriend and i struggled and struggled and struggled to pay bills. hes 10 years older than me and he suffers from a past history of alcoholism. he does NOT have his life together what so ever. after 3 years of struggling im wanting out of this relationship and i dont know how to leave. he begs me and tells me things will change and they dont. we work really hard and yet still we struggle with money. lately ive been hating life. i have no money i wanna get a gym membership to loose some weight to feel better about myself but i cant because we are sharing my car right now and have no money. i start paramedic school in september and to be honest with my past i feel i have failed already and i havent even started. i have no friends. after a recent hospitalization i came to see who my real friends were and they werent. so i let them go. i have one friend and she lives 500 miles away from me. i met her when i was 15 on an S.I. website. weve met 3 times but talk everyday like we live near each other. my relationship is falling apart. we have no intimacy because my boyfriend has some health and we cant afford the doctors or the medicine to treat it. he is also on zoloft so its making it even more difficult to deal with. we have no communication. the 2 most important things in a relationship and we have failed at both. id love to say im leaving but where will i go? i cant possibly go back home because then i deal with 2 alcoholic parents and a controlling dad but i have no money to move out on my own. i currently HATE my job with a passion. im in the process of putting in applications for a career change from a CNA to an EMT. i feel like ill never get a job because i have no experience. i feel like no one will give me a chance. im very pessimistic. im never positive and always think the worst outcomes. with my whole life falling apart ive come to realize my boyfriend started drinking this past friday after being sober for almost 7 years. and everyday i see the rum go lower and lower and i approached him about it and got silence. nothing good has ever happened to me. my whole life has been disappointment. and i feel it will never change. so i ask myself why am i here to suffer? its not fair and i just want to be happy. i want to have a career and a family but the thing is i cant see myself being successful with my current boyfriend. i see it as a constant struggle. but i have no where else to go right now. i cant afford to live on my own i have no friends to be room mates with im not close with family. i have no choice. i opened a savings account at a bank that he does not know about and i had 200$ in there and we really needed money so i have 15 left. im just lost in every direction of my life. i hate my job i hate my relationship i hate my life. i just wonder if there is a purpose out there for me or if im meant to suffer for my remaining time here.

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I turned 26 today. I feel like I’m in a very thick fog. I relapsed hard this past week with alcohol and drugs and self injury. Addiction is so scary. I don’t trust myself. I don’t, not at all right now. My conscience can easily jump into the backseat in a heartbeat and I find myself doing things I swore Id never do. I feel a lot of shame. And I don’t get it. I get the process, I get the textbooks, I have all the knowledge about addiction but it the midst of it it’s so confusing and insane. Against ALL reason the obsession and compulsion are so strong it can just take over. Which is why we develop tools and ways to break free of the cycle. Now I’m in the cycle and I’m scared. I’m scared because for years I swore every morning that “today will be different” and by noon I’m obsessing about a drink. Last I though the same thing, every day and picked up a white chip (for those of you in AA ) at every meeting with every intention for it to be the last. Every time I put the drink to my mouth I cry and I get nauseous . It’s like my body and mind are saying NO. I rarely cry and it’s all I’ve done for a week. I remember this happening during and after rehab, the emotional roller coaster until everything gets back in order. I have a new friend, one of those people you instantly connect with, she is in recovery from SI and it’s nice to have someone to talk about it with in a way that isn’t triggering to either of us.

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Ive had real panic attacks, i never thought they were real until now. One night i was so upset that it felt like my world was crashing down around me. I began to cry and didn’t realize i had actually quit breathing. I passed out and fell from the chair i was sitting in. I laid on the floor not really understanding what had happened. I was scarred. This had never happened before it took 4 hrs and my asthma meds before i could breathe normal again. Luckily my husband had experienced panic attacks with his mom when hid dad had passed away, so he knew what to do. The only thing is…. I didn’t want his help, because he was the one who was literally breaking my heart into pieces. So sad, i know. So sad!!!

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Hi, im new here i’m going through a difficult time. After 15 years a 3 beautiful children my husband came home from a tour of duty and wants to seperate. I started to SI. I have no one to talk to and i’m glad i found this site.

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Hello. My name is Alicia. I am a published poet, student, mother, and wife. I am trying desperately to change my SI behaviors through CBT, therapy, and of course the ever-present love/hate relationship with meds.

I have SI since I was 14 (on and off). Eight months ago I experienced a major trigger and have been SI ever since. As everyone here knows (I imagine!), it is my way of coping with the grief and overwhelming emotions I have been carrying. Recently I went through a terrible manic depressive phase (I also struggle with bipolar disorder) and ended up in the hospital. This is my third hospitalization & though I am finally building a local support network I was hoping I could find a safe virtual support system that I can reach out to as a means of avoiding SI—-the struggle not to follow the impulse has been intense these past few months. Anyhow…just wanted to introduce myself in a nutshell. I would love to make some connections! Thank you. Alicia

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I did something with my self injury that I’ve only done one other time with one other person and it was my mom then. This time it was my AA sponsor. I was so mad at her because she hasn’t been calling me back or texting me back. I went to extreme measures and I wish I hadn’t. I haven’t told anyone about this of course, I’m ashamed. Now I’ll forever have this mark on my body and it only hurts me, not her. She’ll never even know. That’d be a sure way to lose a friend if I told her. I told my therapist in our session yesterday. I couldn’t say I wanted to write it down but she wanted me to say it out loud and I don’t really understand why but it took a while because I was scared. And ashamed. So I told her in detail what happened, what I was thinking, what I did, and she asked me to say to her what I was trying to communicate by doing what I did and it was so uncomfortable and hard to say it out loud. I don’t want to do this anymore but in the moment it’s so overwhelming. No excuse, I know better! I knew better when I started it and I kept pushing it and now two months later here I am, SIing regularly. I have almost no feelings towards drinking, if I didn’t have my partner and my relationship at stake I’d have started drinking already. I go through phases where I am doing it for me, and others where I am doing it for her. Whatever works though is my philosophy. I feel so scared for myself and at the same time trying to take control and not let this control me. Someone I know is struggling with her Mother being addicted to drugs and she asked me to explain addiction to her because she knows about me and my story. So I explained what it’s like for me. I feel trapped in the grip of addiction right now except that I’m not actively drinking. But my mind is the same. In my class last semester the definition of addiction was “the compulsion to use despite the negative consequences.” Whatever. I’m over it. I’m rambling now and I just wanted to blog to talk about it and now I don’t want to. I’m tired and irritable now. I want to be left alone but alone feels so sad and empty.

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