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Archive for "Adults Connection"

Can’t seem to get control……

Posted by timetostop2015 | June 16th, 2015

I am a 47 year old woman and only began S.I. a year ago. Unfortunately it has progressed to something I am losing control of. It started with a few injuries and has gotten much worse.

I started to heal the immense pain I felt in my heart, I am now afraid it has become a monster I can not control. The need to SI constantly simmers and my mind is always searching for a new way. I understand we are not to explain what we have done but this last episode has made me afraid to be alone by myself.

I am all alone in this as the group counseling nor my family has any clue what I am going through and always tells me, “just don’t do it”. Easier said than done. I am lost, my injuries hurts and my mind is spinning… is there any peace from this path I am on?

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Posted by jrscfsr | June 1st, 2015

First time user. I have been struggling for a while, especially the last year or so.

26 year old single mom that still lives at home with my parents, brother, sister, and my daughter. have a job but not a career been looking but can’t find anything.

Im epileptic so on meds for that for about the last 10 years have been on and off having ok times. I am on meds for depression but don’t believe they are doing anything. have been on and off birth control for years. About two years ago finally made a change and started doing really well. Broke up with my daughters father, made changes to better myself and make me happy got braces that i really wanted decided to start working out eating better. Overall changing my life to be the example i wanted to set for my daughter.

This last year I started birth control again and thats when i really noticed a lot of my changes. Eating worst, gaining weight back, no interest in anything, wanting to be around other people yet at the same time not wanting to leave my house let alone my room. stopped working out, sleeping all the time. along with not giving a care in the world noticed that in the last year I’ve more than doubled the number of people i have slept with. Ive never been in what i would consider to be a real relationship where seems the other person actually wanted to be around me always felt like i was begging them for attention. So i have been looking for some kind of attention in all the wrong ways. I have always been the odd wheel, wanted nothing more than be in a relationship that i feel loved and wanted. I see everyone around me in happy relationships, getting married, starting families. (i know that i need to love myself before anyone else loves me but still doesnt make me want it any less. just don’t feel that i deserve anything from anyone and i want someone to prove to myself that i am worth loving)

I have no one i can talk to everyone that knows how sad and depressed i am doesn’t want to hear it anymore. Their response just seems to be should go talk to someone (which is something i already know). All is easier said than done. When i was diagnosed with my epilepsy felt that i was always teased about it by my family (mom, dad, sister, and brother) which leads me not to want to admit that i have another thing wrong with me when i still live with them makes it hard, don’t think i can take their ridicule. Plus I’m still on my dads health insurance so don’t want to have that show on there that I’m seeing anyone don’t have the money to pay for it off insurance.

Having my daughter is the only thing that keeps me going, without out her i don’t know where i would be.

Overall, im so depressed and in know the moves i need to make just don’t know how to with my budget and lack of support. if you actually read this appreciate it just needed a way to vent.

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I just need to get this out.

Posted by cmz91 | June 1st, 2015

It’s been years since I have been on, but I need to get this out. I apologize in advance for it being so long. I know I don’t really know anyone on here but I need to let someone know.

It has been about a year and a half since I last gave in to the urges. They have not gone away but I have stopped letting them win. Today it is really hard to fight them. I just want to let them win this time. I want to give in so badly but I feel like I have no right. It would be a waste of the last year and a half, right?

I have been through so much garbage in my life. Nothing recently, but I can’t let go of the past. I try and I try and I try so hard. I keep the hurt inside, my husband doesn’t know how much I still hurt from the past. It’s not his fault, in fact he is the reason that all the bad stuff stopped so long ago. It was SO long ago but I wake up sometimes (like this morning) feeling like it was just last night. I don’t know what to do. Today the urge is so strong…I feel like I can’t breathe. I am home alone which I know is not good, but my husband is at work and my son is staying with my brother today.

The one person I want to talk to right now is my older sister, but I don’t know how. See, she is fighting the same urges everyday, for sooo much longer than I have. She is two weeks away from making it a year without giving in, and I don’t want to mess that up for her by bringing my fight to her. Everyone thinks that my urges have gone away, but the never have. EVER. I don’t think they ever will.
The problem I have today is caused by a stupid dream last night, and the night before, and all the nights for the last few months. I had done so well at trying not to remember what I went through, not thinking about the man that caused me so much pain and fear. I let myself be taken advantage of for 7 months because I didn’t talk to anyone. I explained briefly in my post from 3 years ago, but I keep feeling the need to let it out again, to make someone hear my side. So you can skip the next paragraph if you want, it’s purely for my benefit.

I was 19, getting ready to go to college, I was living with my best friend and her parents. She had already left the night it happened. She went to school 4 hours away and hers started a week before mine. I was going to school only 50 minutes away, and planned on coming home every weekend to work. The first night it happened was two nights before I was leaving for school. I was talking to the man who was like a father to me, and since things happened that caused a falling out between me and my dad, he was the only one I felt I really had at the time. I was having a serious discussion with him because I was realizing that I was having feelings for other girls. He sat and listened and I thought it was a good talk with “my dad.” Turns out I was very very wrong. He tells me that I probably feel this way because I hadn’t had a “good boyfriend,” one who “treated me right.” He tells me to follow him, I thought he was going to show me something that would help me with what I was going through. He takes me to the back porch and starts kissing me rather forcefully. I pulled back and said “your wife is upstairs.” I thought that would be enough to make him stop, but he just said “she’s asleep she won’t come down.” I got scared then, the most scared I have ever been. I didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t know how to make it stop. All the things going through my mind like: “He’s bigger than me, I can’t push him off,” “What if his wife, the one who I consider a mom, comes downstairs?” “What if my best friend finds out?” “What if I yell?” “What is happening?” “How do I make it stop?” I kept trying to figure out how to make him stop kissing me and it didn’t work. He finally stopped on his own and I continued to protest and he kept telling me “it’s okay I’ll show you how a man is supposed to treat you.” And he went on about how he had seen me get out of the shower one day through a crack in the curtain from outside and has “wanted” me ever since that day. He took my hand and had me follow him outside to his camper where he molested me. I don’t know how long it was before he finally stopped, I just tried not to think about anything. I was crying the whole time. When he did stop, and he saw me crying he started apologizing. Saying “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done any of that. That was wrong. I won’t ever do it again.” and he took me into a hug and I believed what he said was true. That it was a mistake and it wouldn’t happen again. I went and cried myself to sleep that night with so many emotions going through my head. I injured that night. The next night, I was watching t.v. before I went to bed. His wife was almost always in bed before me and this was a normal night. He came home from work and sat down on the couch next to me like would happen often and we would finish the show and each go to our beds. This was not a normal night. This night he reached over and started touching me. He wouldn’t stop, I kept telling him I didn’t want to do this and he kept saying, “I won’t do this if you don’t want to” I said I didn’t want to but he kept on, it seemed like forever, and then he started taking clothes off. I finally realized that it wasn’t going to stop so then I thought to myself “I’ll just let him have it and get it over with.” He got what he wanted and the same thing happened again, I was crying through it all and he apologized, promising it wouldn’t happen again, and again I believed him. After all he was like my dad, right? Wrong. Similar scenarios happened every weekend for almost the whole school year. I started just going to bed when his wife went to bed, hoping that he wouldn’t risk anything with her in the next room instead of upstairs. I was wrong, again. Then she started working late every Friday night, so I didn’t have any thoughts of “maybe he won’t this time.” I started dating a guy in the middle of this, but the whole time I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because I would lose my best friend and her mom, who had become like my own. I started spending as much time with my boyfriend as I could to deter this man from trying it anymore. I went down to only working every 2 weekends so that I wouldn’t have to come home every weekend. It seemed to only make him more hungry. In the meantime my boyfriend and I broke up, and circumstances lead me back to a guy who I had dated off and on for years but we had always stayed close. One weekend I got a text from a friend who asked if I was on Facebook right then, I said “No, I’m at work.” She told me that someone was on my Facebook then, and was being really creepy. She said they were telling her about how I wanted to sleep with my best friends dad, how I saw him in the shower, and all kinds of nasty details. I knew then that he had gotten on my computer somehow. He denied it for a long time. Finally he admitted that it was him. He had talked like this to about 20 of my friends. My roommates, classmates, etc. I finally decided that I was going to go and talk to his wife and tell her what has been happening because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was to the point where I would rather die than go back to that man’s house (and I thought about the death option a lot). He got to her first though. He made her believe that it was all my idea, that I came onto him, that I seduced him. She believed it. When I got the call from her my whole world shattered. Not long after I got a message from my best friend. Again, my life, my heart, my world, it all shattered. I felt like I had nothing. I was not planning on coming home. Or going anywhere ever again. I was going to end it, all of it. My roommates saved my life. They never left me by myself. The made me talk to my boyfriend. He said to come and stay with him. So I did. He had me meet with my parents, who welcomed me back into their lives with open arms after hearing my story. They weren’t mad. They love me. Really love me. That’s when I realized that I loved this boy that I had dated off and on for years. He is now my husband, the father of my beautiful son. It sounds like a wonderful ending to a bad nightmare. But it’s not.

The nightmare goes on. I had gotten over it for so long, but for some reason I keep having these horrible dreams, and he is there. Always there. I keep dreaming he gets a job where I work, so I have to see him everyday. I keep having dreams where the only thing I know, is that he is there in my life somehow and I have an overwhelming feeling that I have to protect my son from him. I keep having dreams, that seem REALLY good until I wake up and realize that it was actually a nightmare, because I didn’t really have the chance to explain my side to my best friend. She didn’t really believe me over her dad. I really did lose her forever. I wake up feeling good until I realized that it was all a dream. This morning I woke up from a night that had parts of all of my nightmares. And being alone doesn’t help anything. I don’t know what to do right now. How do I make these dreams stop? How do I stop letting him have so much control over my life, my emotions, my health? Please, I need some advice?

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Frustrated and Stumped

Posted by lookingforpeace | May 30th, 2015

I began injuring myself when I was about 13 years old and continued to for another 7 – 8 years. It was a struggle to stop, but was so easy to keep self – injuring when no one knew about it for the first 4 years. It was a friend. A friend that was always going to be there to comfort me when on one else was. When I started to let a very small few know about this friend, I only felt shame that I had to hide this vice. However, even through the shame, injuring was still there to help abate the feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, shame, frustration, restlessness, and loneliness. It was there to help me sleep on restless nights spent turning over wrinkled sheets and was there when I had no one to talk to, even though everyone could talk to me.

When I was finally able to stop one form of injuring, another took it’s place for 6 years. I started injuring again three months ago as a 26 – year old woman who is a successful behavioral analytic therapist. I struggle with the fact that I am still dealing with SI as an adult – a behavior that is common among teens and little talked about as something that adults deal with. My husband knows that I have started injuring again, but has not been very supportive. He has told me that he thinks my therapist has caused me to start SI again and is making me “worse”. I am unable to talk to him about the SI, nor anyone else except for my therapist, who I think is as stumped as I am about why I am hurting myself and what the triggers are. The last time I used SI, I was sitting on the couch looking up information on zip – lining with the news on as background noise when I suddenly was overcome with the urge to injure. As the next 30 minutes progressed, it only became stronger, but for no apparent reason.

It is questions like this that frustrate me. Questions like, why, after all these years, have I returned to hurting myself in such a way that is more difficult to hide. Why is my husband so angry when I try to bring up topics about how I am hurting myself, about how depressed I was and still sometimes get, and angry that I am seeing a therapist when he once was learning how to be one.

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I’m so confused

Posted by hopeful2bhappy | May 15th, 2015

I wish I could understand why or who or even when it all got so out of sorts. I thought things were okay and now I’m exhausted from every thought and feeling. My friends pushed and pushed asking what was wrong this morning and now they’re pretending to care. I know I can handle many things, but I’m tired of hiding and lying to me and everyone else. I wish I knew how to ask, I’m40 something and people think that I should just suck it up and move on, but they don’t understand that even I don’t know why I do this.


trouble exerting authority for fear of daughter hurting herself

Posted by rlock | May 13th, 2015

We are very new to self injury, my daughter has started therapy, both parents trying to be loving and nonjudgmental. My problem as the mom is I’m having trouble exerting my authority because I’m afraid to stress her out and give her a perceived reason to SI. As a result, she is running the show, so to speak, not following the therapists recommendations ( no social media). Any suggestions? This is a hard struggle for the whole family. Thank you


Step 1

Posted by tryingtochange | April 24th, 2015

Well first I would like to say that I am new to blogging and any kind of therapy; but I want to change. I’ve known for awhile that I need help!!! Let me start by¬†telling a little bit about myself. I am 22 years old, I¬†began injuring when I was 11 years old two years after the event. It was easy to hide in a family of 7 there was really no¬†one on one time with anyone. So I went three years¬†without telling anyone and just slowly wasting away. Playing sports, making sure my grades were¬†up to¬†par, keeping my parents happy, and harboring the event¬†became more and¬†more stressful.¬†It all became to much and I took what was left of¬† my bottle of medicine.¬†It wasn’t enough it¬†I didn’t even pass out, I got sick for like two days got very sick nd sweating out of control.¬†¬†I haven’t injured in 5 years but now I’ve moved on to another type of S.I. This method is more discrete and doesn’t allow anyone to have any sort of suspicion. IDK! For some reason it makes me feel better. Almost like forcing all the crazy thoughts of my mind. My boyfriend of 5 years has been my rock in this changing process but I know that I cant allow my change to be surrounded around him because GOD forbid we break up I will spiral out of control and it isn’t healthy for our relationship either so that leads me to this. How do I STOP the thoughts and STOP the S.I????? Any advice will help.


down the rabbit hole

Posted by losinglosingit | April 23rd, 2015

i’m 30. ive been using self-harm to cope since i was 11. i injure in multiple ways and do other random things to cause myself pain. i get so frustrated and half of the time i really do just want to curl up and quit. im tired of everything. life isnt fair, and i know it isnt supposed to be, but no matter how good i do or what positive changes i make, i still always seem to lose. i lose everything and everyone. my whole life it seems i have been punished for things i didnt do. i try to keep faith and hope, knowing that i havent done whatever i am being accused of and waiting for the truth to prevail, but it rarely does. the women in salem knew they were innocent, but at the end of the day they were still killed on the stake. thats how my life goes. i know im good, but what does that matter if the rest of the world doesnt and treats me accordingly? i keep losing.

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at a loss

Posted by myRoo | April 20th, 2015

Background:¬† I am the mother of¬† an intelligent, charismatic, ¬†funny, outgoing,¬† ¬†good looking 25 year old young man.¬† His dad and I have been married 31 years, and¬†we also have a 17 year old son.¬† We all get along very well.¬† ¬†He has his BA in Economics with a¬†minor ¬†in Business, with a goal of one day¬†owning his own restaurant.¬† He¬† has been unable to secure a job in his field due to¬†a lack of 3 years experience, which¬†seems to be a requirement for the jobs he has been applying for.¬† ¬† For the past few years he has been working with patients¬†suffering from¬†Traumatic Brain Injury.¬†¬†The pay in this field isn’t near what it should be, and meanwhile he is paying¬† on his student loans.¬† ¬†He is a kind and compassionate person.¬†He is searching for employment in his field.¬† Yesterday his girlfriend of¬†two ¬†years told me in confidence that he, on occasion, becomes overwhelmed with the struggle of it all and will self injure. ¬†It started 10 years ago when he was wresting in High School and was frustrated by his performance.¬†¬†¬†It ¬†has happened several times since then, apparently both when sober and¬†after having consumed alcohol. ¬†¬†¬† I am heartsick.¬†¬† She has encouraged him to talk to me, or someone, and he has said he would, but has not as of yet.¬† He is embarrassed by this behavior, she said.¬† Do I confront him?¬† Wait for him to come to me?¬† The consequences are daunting, and he could potentially end up like one of the people he takes care of!¬† I don’t understand…He runs, does yoga, loves music, anything outdoors¬†and ostensibly ¬†loves life.¬†¬† I believed he had good, healthy coping skills.¬† ¬†I was shocked and saddened to find that wasn’t the case.¬† ¬† Can anyone give me suggestions?

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step of desperation

Posted by bria | April 15th, 2015

Crisis lines magnify my anxiety and shame and I’m not ready for group therapy, but I need to say something, ¬†I need a response because I’m afraid of what I’m doing to myself.

I don’t know what, if anything, ¬†I expect to gain from this but it’s better than giving up right?

I am lonely, ¬†but I’m surrounded by people who love me and want to see me better. My boyfriend tries so hard but I have personalitydisorders that inevitably cause me to push him and others away. ¬†I don’t know what feels worse; not having someone but wanting the company, ¬†or having someone who loves me only for me to self sabotage with all my irrational reasoning.

Yesterday was my 29th birthday and I still feel as insecure as I was when I was 12 y/o and beginning a cycle of self harm. With the emotion running hight the past two weeks,  I engaged in the SI behavior today.

To clarify, July ’14, ¬†I moved to a new city to be with the person I love thinking it was a grand romantic gesture. A fun new adventure. ¬†It wasn’t the sole reason but an incredible motivation to think I found love. Yet, 10 months later, I am basically friendless, ¬†took a less pay and fewer hours at my new job, and am in unfamiliar surroundings.

I’m currently in weekly counseling sessions but it’s the in between time that is the worst. My mind and imagination become an oubliette, it feels so dark, deep and inescapable.

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