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Archive for "Adults Connection"

remorseful

Posted by blueray | February 5th, 2014

It has been several years since I have been out of middle or high school. I did not have a good time in either. I did not have very many friends, I wasn’t popular and got picked on – a lot. I don’t really have any lasting friends from that time in my life. But I still think about it, and sometimes I really do not like the person I was – not because I was unpopular, nerdy, quiet or any of that. That is all okay, and I realize it now. But what I feel bad about is how I acted to fit in better. I was never going to be a popular girl, but I think I was desperate then to be one. I picked on the other kids that the popular girls would pick on just so I could feel like I belonged to the ‘in crowd’. I probably hurt other people’s feelings and did things that would be considered bullying. I knew it wasn’t right, but I wanted to fit in. I knew if I didn’t at least try my life would have been worse in school. I am positive that the popular girls made fun of me too behind my back, they tried to ban me from their lunch table and other things. But I wanted to fit in, even though I clearly didn’t.

I bring this up now because some days I feel really bad for how I may have treated others. I see news stories about kids getting bullied. My “picking on” on someone else seems relatively small in the spectrum of bullying, but then again being picked on hurts whether it is one small comment or many large comments. But sometimes I wasn’t very nice – especially in middle school. I know it was a long time ago, but I still feel bad and have this almost desperate need to apologize to people just so I can be forgiven and that sounds kind of selfish. Is it weird to apologize after almost 20 years to someone you don’t communicate with anymore only to say sorry for being mean to them in school. Is it worth bringing up? If not how can I forgive myself? I know this may seem silly. Picking on kids seems like a part of the normal school life, but I feel bad about it. I don’t want to think that I have hurt someone else. I want to think that this one person in particular doesn’t care anymore and does not give my actions any thought. I don’t think about what other girls did to me in a negative way. It hurt then, but that was then, we were kids and now I have moved on. Maybe that is how this one girl thinks of me, but I wonder sometimes. I feel guilty and want to make amends, but I am not sure if that is appropriate anymore.

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work situation

Posted by blueray | January 5th, 2014

Work has been challenging lately. Some of it is due to the anxiety I feel with a new semester about to start. I am ready to be done with school. I like the grad program I am in, but never really felt like I belonged with the rest of my classmates. I never really fit in, and maybe some of that is my own fault, but either way I am ready for it to be done – but I am not looking forward to this last semester. I dread the homework, the papers, the group projects and the studying. I dread knowing I will not get a day off to just relax. There is a light though at the end of this tunnel – only a few more months until I am done with my degree (barring any unexpected things that come up).

But about work…there is a fairly new supervisor working. His personality, mannerism, and passive aggressive tendencies remind me a lot of a person who used to abuse me as a child. It has been challenging trying to navigate through this. Usually I will keep my distance, but there are sometimes it is not possible given the close proximity in which we all work together. On particularly tough days where he is in a negative mood, I am instantly triggered. I feel like I am 13 again not knowing what to do or how to control my situation. I feel like the little kid who has done something wrong and needs to be punished. Why else would this person be in a bad mood if it wasn’t for me messing something up? This is a situation I had yet to really encounter in my life (on a continuous basis) after being away from the abuse for years. I don’t get it. I am an independent adult in control of my actions and choices. Why is it that this one person, whom I have no connections to, can affect me so much?

I almost came home one day so upset that I almost SIed. What stopped me is some rational thinking. I was able to identify where the feeling was coming from and separate the supervisor from the person who abused me growing up. However…I still feel like I am in this weird, inferior and triggered state whenever I see this supervisor. This is new for me and I am not sure how to handle it. I won’t give him the power to make me so upset and ashamed in which I need to SI – he is not worth that. But I still don’t like having the thoughts and feelings. Short of quitting my job, I am not sure what to do. This anxiety coupled with the school anxiety has not been helpful for me lately.

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Holidays

Posted by Pam L. | December 30th, 2013

Holidays and the end of the year can be very busy and stressful times. ¬†Especially if you struggle with self injury. ¬†Seeing family can be good, but also very difficult. ¬†I hope some of you will share your holiday experiences – good or not so good. ¬†You may self injure and feel extremely alone. ¬†That’s what I love about this blog – it’s a place to come and know you’re not alone. ¬†People of all ages self injure. ¬†I hope everyone can find some support they need here. ¬† Because you, yes Y O U, are not alone. ¬†The best way out of your problems – is through your problems, and doing that with others beside you is something each and everyone person needs.

I hope some of you will share your experiences.

Pam

(one of the blog moderators)

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Posted by healing | December 27th, 2013

I feel very childish, but I guess that’s how I need to feel. I only want to think about being with my therapist and feeling safe– being able to talk from a part I won’t share with anyone else– because no one else is safe to share it with. It’s too vulnerable. I really didn’t think I was going to make it much longer, but, amazingly, seeing him turned things around. Now when I’m feeling turmoil instead of going to urges I’m going to just thinking of him. Of not having to listen to any of my confusion– just listen to him. That is very soothing.

I have a level of anxiety around that. I think I am too fixated. I have a hard time imagining that I could possibly not be bad because somehow feed on my attachment. It keeps things in order– my mind in order. And there’s havoc when there are changes. Changes are probably what got me into trouble in the first place. I feel badly about that. I’m also pretty sure I heard him talking about me to someone on the phone before I went in and that feels weird. I’d like to know about that.

A group I’ve been in for over 4 years is ending in a couple weeks– or at least both he and I are leaving it. I’ve written here several times about what was going on in therapy and have gotten the comment that we seem to be on the right track. I’m very scared now because he is moving to a new clinic and I am going to follow him. There are checks and balances– it’s one public clinic into a new one. I have a psychiatrist too where I am now and will have one at the new place. My life has changed radically during the course of treatment, but I’ve transferred my dependance onto him. I confided that when I first felt it happening and he said that that was good, we were going to handle it very differently than I have experienced it before. I was shocked by that response. I thought I had done something terrible. Right now I feel like I have done something terrible by being the one patient coming with him. I don’t know what that means about me. It seems to imply that I am very bad– though that makes no rational sense to me. I’m fairly certain that I am the one who would loose it if the relationship was severed, with the added bonus that the new place is a better fit for me. But I’m feeling stress about the change, stress at leaving the group– that will be very sad and I am scared that I won’t be ok without it. And I am scared it is somehow unsafe to be different than everyone else. No one else gets to come. And I’m terrified about talking about any of if until we are safely on the other side.

There was supposed to be a break in the treatment for the holidays, but I got all the way to the end of what I can handle. From the stress of that separation? (shame). From the stress of the big change? From stress at home?

My work life has been pretty smooth and I am pretending like I don’t exist. I just work and disappear. I feel like I need to stay disappeared until after the change.

And somehow have some faith that he doesn’t think I am bad. I think that’s all I really needed to know– he doesn’t think I am bad. Then I can relax a bit.

Next week there isn’t a session scheduled. I need to call him because I wasn’t really communicating by the time he tried to book one. But I wasn’t supposed to have one… plan a was that I would be just fine on my own for a few weeks. But I screwed that up. How could I not be bad?

I think I am too dependent. From the outside I look very independent, but I’m actually very clingy– just only to one person. And luckily I have that now in a structured relationship so it is safe. But it is very painful.

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Waffle House Christmas dinner

Posted by barista.steph | December 25th, 2013

This is my first Christmas not being with my family :( of course I’m with my partner and our little family but not my brother and sisters and parents. First one ever :( even when they lived half way across the country in Texas we drove out there. It just didn’t work out this year with work. They live 8 hours away now, not too long. Also no one let me know until a couple weeks ago because they assumed I couldn’t go because I work retail. That really hurt my feelings. It’s true, I couldn’t have gone but whatever, it’s the thought. We face timed a little so that’s cool, and I got annoyed because I read into everything too much and every word and every facial expression. Why can’t I just be grateful ??? I’ve been having dreams of self harm and drinking and I feel like drinking so bad but these are the times the “rubber hits the road” and I need to put to use what I’ve learned in therapy. WHY do I want to drink and hurt myself, what am I REALLY feeling? I slept a lot today, my stomach hurts really bad and now I’m anxious and shaky and cold and hot because I worry I have some crazy disease. Probably just a stomach ache. I’m glad I have someone with me who can remind me that I do this all the time and all the time it feels real to me. I wish I could focus on all the good and not the pain. But the pain is always here, sometimes it’s a dull ache, sometimes it’s a throbbing pain and sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t do anything but curl up in bed and wait until it passes-usually it breaks with tears, like a fever would. I’m going to go relax with my partner and my fuzzy babies and watch my movies and try to stay in gratitude. I’m tired of the constant pain that I always think goes away and then it comes back with a vengeance and I wonder if it will ever be gone all the way or if pain tolerance is my only option for life. Merry Christmas everyone <3

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Diary

Posted by MsPetricher | December 7th, 2013

I’ve always wanted to have my own diary, but doing it the old fashioned way hurt from all the thoughts I wanted to write down. I tried to type it on my computer but realized I didn’t have an organized system on here. I became a member of another website five years ago, and it was helpful, but there are people on the sight who can be hurtful and do not understand what a person who self harm’s, goes through. I’m not saying we are all alike. I wish I better understood life, then maybe I wouldn’t be feeling the need to write what I’m thinking down. When I was 11 I asked for a voice recorder for Christmas so I could record my thoughts, but I thought I sounded stupid playing it back to myself.

A little about me.

Im 23, born July 4, 1990. I’m a young woman who has lived in a house of my own since I was 19. I have a cat, and a dog. I have trust issues beyond what I can explain. When I was 16 my brother and my mother where talking outside of the car. I was sitting in the back of the car when my brother saw the scars on me and he automatically interrupted my mother to tell her what was on me. She had been in the middle of saying something to him when he did this so she looked confused and he repeated himself. She looked from him to me, and decided to ignore it and continued with what she was talking about. No one ever brought it up again. This year my mother saw the scars for herself (by accident) and was shocked. Claiming she had no idea. My family sees it as something in pass-tense but it is very much apart of me today. I struggle with it every day. ¬†I like to think I’m strong enough not to tell people how I’m feeling because I was told it wasn’t normal to share your feelings, but honestly, I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in where my life is. All the years I was told “it gets better” even when I tried to do something about it, it never got better. I’m disappointed because I’ve reached out, asked for help and I still got nothing, I’m just a nobody. I told my family a number of times I need help with my depression but they just told me it was apart of my personality and dismissed me. When I was of age I saw a doctor on my own who did a great job at ignoring me when I told her the meds she put me on where making me pass out in my car. She told me the meds didn’t do that and made me spend $300 to have my thyroid tested which came out normal. Two nights ago I called the suicide hotline six times. Each person did not make me feel comfortable talking to them. I spoke to one woman, Olivia with a different program and I did open up with her, but I was still disappointed to find out all they are there for is to put me on a list. A list to be passed off to someone else. ¬†How can I continue to ask for help, when I always end up with people who want to pass me off or ignore me? Sometimes I want to quit.

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thanksgiving

Posted by barista.steph | November 28th, 2013

How my life has changed in the past few years. A few years ago my mom was so sick she was calling me and telling me she didn’t want to live and passing out from her pills. My family didn’t accept me or my relationship. I was drinking and using and self harming.

Now my family mostly accepts me and my partner. I’m not actively drinking and I haven’t used drugs in over two years. I’m still self harming sometimes, not as often. That’s why I’m blogging now. I feel like hurting myself in a way I haven’t in a long time. Usually I self harm impulsively, when I get mad or sad really quick. Now I feel this deep sadness, SI seems like it will comfort me, I feel ugly compared to my brother and sisters. They’re all so thin and fashionable and attractive and I’ve gained weight and I’m not much into clothes or anything like that. My body type has never been like them from the start, I’ve never been thin like my sisters or my brother. Yea I’ve gained weight and gone up and down with that over the years with my ED but I’ve never been naturally shaped like them. I’m jealous and I can’t tell you how bad I feel about myself when I’m around them. So bad. And I feel ashamed. I just needed to write that. I can’t even say it out loud. I’m being so up and down the past two weeks. Feeling that abandonment feeling so intensely when plans change or tonight when my Dad didn’t remember something or when my therapist had to cancel yesterday because she has the fly or when my two friends backed out of going to a meeting with me. Some of those things are understandable things to be upset about or feel bad about but I feel rage towards that person, hatred, I want to hurt myself so they know how much they hurt me.

All in all, I have much to be thankful for. Mostly my health and my family and their health and the love of my partner and our relationship and being sober.

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Breath Of Heaven (Mary’s Song)

Posted by barista.steph | November 12th, 2013

I had one of the most cathartic, productive, healing therapy sessions I’ve ever had. Sometimes I leave therapy feeling warm and fuzzy, sometimes I leave feeling challenged, sometimes I leave feeling conflicted. This evening was warm, cathartic, intense, and comforting. I’ve been working with the same therapist for a little over two years now, I feel safe with her, and tonight I was able to let myself swim around in the safety I’ve built up with her without having to fear what her response may be. I told her I’ve been injuring myself and about that. We went through the usual ” what is it doing for me” reflections, some other things. I have this fear I’ll end up like this girl I was in treatment with, we’ll call her Angela. She was my roommate for a while there, she has been in treatment centers all over the country since age 12, she’s in her mid twenties now. Her whole life is rehab and I feel so sad for her. She’ll go through brief periods of what looks like recovery only to be on the verge of being released and then make a suicide attempt, or self harm, or act out in some way that will keep her there. I feel so sad for her, I sometimes feel like she is hopeless, a “lifer” from Girl, Interrupted-and also, I am jealous at times. It’s sometimes easier to be sick, people take care of you, people pay attention to you. It’s what she knows, it’s what I know, it’s part of an identity. An identity I’m leaving pieces of behind and getting new pieces. I’m scared to be like her, to be doomed to a lifelong cycle of rehabs and stays in psych wards. I told my therapist this this evening, because Angela is someone we both know. She reassured me that I am not like Angela. She read me this poem someone wrote and it hit me in my heart. It was everything I feel but I haven’t been able to find the words for. Scared of getting better, scared of staying sick, and all the joy and mess in between. I told her how I’m ashamed to have the BPD diagnosis, how I would much rather be labeled an alcoholic, how I hate how I act sometimes on impulse, with people I love. She asked me to describe to her what it feels like for me and I did, somehow I was more honest than I’ve ever been before and it helped me. There was a moment of healing, can’t explain it. I’ve been so sad and feeling empty lately, I don’t know the words to describe it. It’s an achy, gnawing pain in my insides and I can’t shake it. Oh, and another thing she asked me was if I wanted to stop injuring right now. My answer to that is I’m not sure, not really, but I know I SHOULD. I’ve been listening to an older Christmas song by Amy Grant that comforts me, it reminds me of mom singing it in church. I’ve had it on repeat for days, it’s like a hug in a song.

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Posted by healing | November 8th, 2013

I have called my sponsor and I will go to a meeting tomorrow. I have to take the steps to ensure my life stays safe and stays on the good-thinking track. I’m thinking about SI I did last week. Not sure how to process that. Not sure — or sure I cannot– speak out loud about how soothing I find it. Even now that my thinking has really changed and I don’t want to move in that direction.. and it is a direction–not something I can separate from the rest of life and maintain. There’s a 12 step slogan about look back but don’t stare. I don’t think I should stare are what happened. I think the way to look without staring is just turn it over. I cannot control the past. There is no fruit in trying to figure out…. or maybe that’s not right. The dbt path would be to really understand prompting events, etc. I’ve never been able to complete a whole chain of event like that bc I just get to foggy to fast. So if it isn’t going to work it isn’t going to be effective to try.

I need to just keep (re-start) aligning myself with what is good for me. A meeting will help with the horrible guilt I feel for leaving the house to go to a meeting. Which will be beneficial in and of itself, and hopefully help me navigate how to do self-care, parenting, a career, and school. Duh that it’s hard to do all of that. That is the starting place.

I feel so driven because I feel like I have so much catching up to do. But if I topple my health with my drive that is not effective. And it always happens– over these past 4/5 years– I take a step toward greater health then something in the system the falls apart. It’s been a lot of steps of strength, disturbing the homeostasis, crisis, stabilizing, being stable, another step forward, disturbing the homeostasis, crisis, stabilizing, being stable, another step forward, repeat, repeat, repeat. And life is soooo much better now. In retrospect it has all been worth it. Now is the stabilizing part. I’ve been here a million times before. I did not think I would be revisiting it — I thought life was just *better*. It is better. I am not in exactly the same spot I have ever been in– it’s a spiral staircase– and at every sticky point in the spiral I have more experience under my belt.

At the same time, I’m mad. And I’m allowed to be angry. What, exactly is upsetting me? I guess that it’s so hard. Not what I signed up for. How I did feel was hopeless– that was the general tone that lead to real trouble. I don’t feel hopeless now. I think I’m going to make it. What I want for myself is a long period of stability. The way it looks right now is being able to maintain a job was the last final piece that needed to be put into place. I do want to do side work too and make more money, and I want to maintain my creative career, and I want to go back to getting regular exercise… those all feel like catch 22 and it’s final straws that can break the camels back. It won’t work either way because that’s stuff that my mental health depends on….. but i just feel so guilty taking even more time away from my son. I do remember times where I felt this level of guilt and life always got smoother after I got over it. That outcome seems implausible this time around, I’m spread so thin, but who knows. I am not not yet in the part of the cycle where I get a semi-stable life for a while, and that is oddly a cheerful thought to think. It means there could be so stability coming. 12 step can help me. blah blah blah blah.

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Struggling to share my story

Posted by Thoughtspiller | November 6th, 2013

Ive injured two nights in a row. ¬†I dont know why. I didnt NEED it per say. ¬†But I mean, it helped. ¬†I dont know what im doing. ¬†My social circle is growing between work and school. ¬†Im really struggling to hold a balance between work, school, and my personal life. ¬†I dont want to turn down the new friends ive made (and ill get to that in a minute) but i cant share my stories with them. ¬†In school we have to do “therapy sessions” and my instructor wants us to use real life scenarios. ¬†So last night my issues were SI. ¬†Yeah, but I cant share that. ¬†My classmates wouldnt get it. ¬†I know its a therapy course, I know were all in graduate school in a helping line of work, but every time self injury or eating disorders come up everyone has all these negative comments about them! Or they say its scary and they dont know how to handle it. ¬†Well, im not going to start sharing. So i start goofing off and being irrelevant. ¬†And thank goodness it didnt affect my grade, but still. ¬†So I feel totally fake at school. I feel like im this person Im really not and my classmates dont even know who I am. ¬†But at the same time, I dont know if I want them to. ¬†My group is very close, we talk a lot, get together a lot and work very well together. ¬†Then again, I still cant tell them, and its almost been a year weve worked together in class. ¬†Whatever though, if im not ready to share Im not ready to share. ¬†Then I started a new job working in a group home. ¬†Its hard sometimes, but its so rewarding! I love my job I really do. ¬† I have awesome people to work with, amazing kids that Im working with. ¬†And on a totally opposite note, my coworker that ive known for maybe a month knows all about my si, ed and relationships. ¬† Idk what it is, when we work together I start spilling out all my secrets. ¬†Its so odd cuz thats not like me at all. ¬†Idk, either way , no one knows Im still injuring. ¬†And by no one i mean no one but the blog I guess. ¬†Its not something im too happy to admit at almost 25. ¬†Idk how I ended up still injuring all these years later. ¬†So idk, its weird having all these new people that I talk to. ¬†I feel like my best friend in college is so far away, but then again we talk every single day. ¬†So I dont think our relationship has changed at all. ¬†Then my other best friend is just blah, we have a great time together, I love her really I do, but sometimes she just isnt the person I can be myself with. ¬†Heck, idk who I can be myself with. ¬†I dont know anyone who really knows the extent of my problems, so i guess it doesnt really matter who I hang out with. ¬†Being super social scares me, because this isnt who ive been. ¬†Ive been in such a tight nutshell for so long. ¬†Ive been working, going to school, working, and going to school so much I never do anything. ¬†In the last month ive gone out with people I barely know, had a great time, gone to bars with classmates and partied. ¬†This isnt me. ¬†And im scared. ¬†Like, this isnt what im really used to. ¬†Then to top it ALLLLLL off, two days ago my mom compliments me saying “oh have you been losing weight? you look great!?” and then yesterday she says “oh, yeah idk what it was yesterday, your back to normal”. ¬†Uuuuuhhhh really mom??? Like of course that triggered my bad eating habits and left me injuring. ¬†Like I dont understand how someone can just say that. ¬†These are the type of comments that really bother me, and scare me when I think of working out again. ¬†I think, well what if im doing all this work and no one thinks its helping. ¬†And to top it off I hate talking about my weight. ¬†No one gets it. ¬†Like everytime I see family they make SOME sort of comment about my weight. ¬†Like who are you to say something about my weight?! ¬†Like what do they think happens when one time everyone says “oh wow you look great!” and then two weeks later you dont say anything???? ¬†It doesnt help! At all. ¬†It just makes me want to have an ED much more than I already suffer from. ¬†Idk. ¬†I had it all under control after my big meltdown a while ago. ¬†I put all the pieces back together again and kept on going. ¬†I cant fall apart now. ¬†Its just not the right time. Oh man, ive complained enough, Ill go now.

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