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Archive for "Adults Connection"

Anxiety

Posted by barista.steph | August 15th, 2014

I’m feeling pretty desperate today for a relief from my anxiety. Alcohol and drugs don’t work, I’ve tried it. I tried both last night and it made it worse so I stopped. I’m over those things I think. I’ve been waking up about 4am with this paralyzing anxiety every morning. I usually fall back asleep within a couple hours after. Today it’s stuck around all day :( it’s worse now. I took a 15 min break from work now to try to calm down. I feel like it’s a fever breaking, except these always “break” with tears. It’s such a relief when I finally cry from the built up anxiety. I wish I could force that and get it over with. I feel the tightness on my throat when you’re about to cry. All the noises are so loud and the lights are all so bright. My “flight or fight” button is so broken. I am sort of at a loss for what to do. I’ve used all my coping skills, I’ve done everything I know! It’s not working and I feel so alone :( I’m desperate enough to try self harm when I get home but I’m afraid if I do it just this once that I’ll get “hooked” and it will be hard to stop. I’m also afraid I’ll feel ashamed of myself and start that cycle up. It’s probably not worth the risk of either of those things. But even thinking of the process of getting everything ready is calming.

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Posted by healing | August 6th, 2014

Just sort of need to write it all out. Yesterday my therapist reminded me that I’ve had times like this before– times where I am not with the program– going off the rails– not keeping safe. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Mostly that he reminded me of a specific episode that was really rough and he said it just ended. That it doesn’t go away right away– it may take a few weeks– but it has always ended before. That feels like a big deal. That this isn’t just the new forever state. Some things feel upsetting– like now I’m back on medication that adversely effects me in other ways, but I’m stabilizing, I think. And I’m wondering why this happens to me. The trigger was really clear. I know that stressor that kicked it off. So, I don’t mean why does it happen that way– but why does it happen in a big way– like who am I? Why did it make me feel a bit scared when I wrote that I am stabilizing? The “reward” of not being able to take care of things would be having my outside help to keep someone away from me, who I am much healthier being away from, but whom I feel serious obligation to. But my finger is still on the button. Yesterday too I got really clear that my therapist was there, ready to make a phone call that would say to authorities that this is what I need. That soothes me, very, very much. It’s a out. I’m thinking now about how you push down the button a bit before taking a photo– to let the camera focus. I sent an email today that let someone know that situation was bad, that he was ready to call and that felt like pushing the button half way. My needs vs others needs….. I guess the si thing really came in when I was freaked out about being hurt or exasperated so hurt in the that way by the needs of someone else. This is the first time I’ve been here. Now I’m thinking about facebook. I’m thinking about reading about people taking about it and its role in their lives and I’m feeling guilty that I don’t feel the draw toward it that so many people do– guilty I guess about being introverted– which I’m equating with selfish at this moment. I have to totally back off the decision making for this person– there’s a judge now and I want to turn all deciding over to her. Also, there are social services people and they are slow and not so invested, but I’m better off letting them do things that I could do better and quicker– because if I’m cracking it really isn’t better. Also, I’m not trying to get this person to spend time with me right now, though I think that is what healthy would look like. But it’s not healthy for me. And I totally take a pass on doing anything that isn’t based on just what is best for me. Tomorrow I get an old case manager that I was attached to back. And I get to return a phone call to a new, more intensive level of other vague services that I don’t understand yet. I’m going to have to make sure I don’t get overrun in what they ask of me– I want them to just call my therapist. I feel so bad, like I’m being manipulative or something if I say– which I’ve never really said to anyone– I am falling apart. I can’t manage and you can’t put any single straw more on me because I will not be able to cope. I feel so much like– or think– this is a thinking problem, not a feeling problem– the thinking problem is that I seem to be believing that if I communicate that my mental health needs to be factored in I am a bad person– mentally ill– defunct– invalid. And since I’m invalid I should just be ignored and I am just trying to manipulate by saying I am about to crack. I think that I have no right to change the environment– I am the one who should change. I should change the way I feel and I should certainly change the way I have been behaving. I just haven’t always been caring. I have been trying, then slipping. It really has been more than I can do by myself to keep safe. I’ve had help from my therapist– bless him. I’ve never seen him in a pose that isn’t unusual for me– hands (open palms) pressed to the sides of his head. I keep thinking about having seen that. I don’t know if he knew I was looking bc I mostly wasn’t look at him and I had my face in my hands– but it feels so curious that he did that. I feel a little relieved to have stressed him… I am trying not to judge that. So, I’m getting these other forms of help tomorrow. If there are snags I will feel hopeless. And I have let a lawyer know that I am not well. I want to say things like why can’t I do what other people do– but, actually, this is not a common situation. People don’t actually go around dealing with this sort of stuff all the time and for the most part I handle it like a champ. Right now I just can’t work on it. What I want is to make someone else the decider, which the judge sort of is but a lot is based on what I want. I’m no longer… or, right now… not capable of doing the preliminary thinking. The case manager I like has seen things over the years in a couple small doses. I want him to be the preliminary decider whos judgement is brought to the judge in place of my own. I have made errors in the past by turning things over to others- not sure if this is that sort of situation. I wish I could sign legal power of attorney over to him…… What I need to recall is that there is no special plan for me– no force that has things fated for me to get really hurt. And I need to remember that pleasure and happiness are not bad or shameful. And I need to remember that every time I try and apply myself to a current issue around this person I loose it- so I need to just stop doing it.

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I don’t know what to do

Posted by barista.steph | July 31st, 2014

I came so close to self harm this evening, for hours the idea has been taunting me but I just know it won’t help. I just know it, through years of trial and error and trying to make it a part of my life, it just won’t help. So now what. I just drank a little, actually only a very little which surprises even me, and to help me relax a little so I can sleep. I still don’t I will sleep. Our landlord said she wants the full $800 for rent tomorrow, for JULY rent. I don’t have it! I don’t physically have the money because I don’t make that much money and the truck driving thing has been such a scam but she can’t quit now-if she quits now we have to pay $4,000. So $800 by tomorrow. I sucked up my pride and asked my father, because he has the money, out of desperation, trust me it’s the LAST thing I wanted to do. He said me and one of my dogs can come live with him. I have a very sweet pitbull that he likes, my other dog is a spaz but she’s my family and I adore her and my cats are all old I’m not abandoning them! I felt like that was such an insensitive thing to say. I don’t expect my parents to help me, and if I had been irresponsible and this could have been avoided then I’d be less resentful but I am full of resentment tonight. I’m 27 and should be able to pay my own yes, but he has the money and no way could we have predicted this all playing out this way. I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m scared to be evicted. I will send the $300 that I have to her tomorrow what else can I do. If I looked like my sisters maybe I’d sell my body for money. I’ve been praying a lot, that’s all I know to do at this point. Right now tonight that’s all I’ve got. My chest hurts and my head hurt from stress. This is the worst financial situation I’ve ever been in and I’m scared.

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Young Adults Needed for a Research Study

Posted by Laurel66 | July 29th, 2014

Individuals needed to participate in an Internet-based study looking at the experiences of people who access Internet message boards to talk about self-injury. This is a research study being conducted by a psychology graduate student.  Please respond if you meet the following requirements:

1)    You are between the ages of 18 and 25, fluent in English, and living in the United States.

2)    You have personal experience with self-injury within the past year.

3)    You currently access an online self-injury message board (one or more) at least once a week, and you have done this for at least three months.

4)    You feel you have experienced support of some kind from the board(s).

5)    Your self-injury is not suicidal in intent.

If the above descriptions apply to you or you have any questions about the study, please email Laurel Brow at selfinjuryresearch@hushmail.com.  If you are included in the study, you will be asked to complete a confidential questionnaire through email. You will receive a $15 Amazon gift card as a token of appreciation for your participation.

 

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Posted by barista.steph | July 19th, 2014

I’m going through a rough time right now and I need to talk about it. My partner got a job where she will be traveling a lot and going into it it was supposed to be three weeks apart and four days home. It’s been three weeks, we found out yesterday it will be another full 6 weeks before she can come home for THREE days. I’m so angry at this company. Everything they’ve said has been a bunch of lies AND the pay will be half of what was advertised. I have drank some since she’s been gone, but I’ve been careful to not drink to cope. Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had on a long time, I didn’t want to drink or get high but I was so stressed out about money and how we will pay rent for this month and next month and if we get kicked out where will we go with all our pets and my sick elderly cat needs to go to the vet and my car is acting up and all these bills and work is decreasing my hours and I’ve hanging on just by a thread. I feel like I’m treading water by praying to god a lot and exercising and not drinking when I know I shouldn’t and not self harming. I’ve been just feeling the feelings and not fighting. My anxiety is so hard to handle right now. I was extra hormonal yesterday and usually I have my partner on days like that-the days I wake up and automatically feel suicidal, and she’ll hold me as long as I need and that helps. But last night was my first REALLY hard day alone and I hugged my pillow and cries for what felt like hours. The ugly cry, wailing and exhausting. I’m just trying to have a little faith that this hard time will pass and we will be ok. That I will be ok, that my anxiety will lessen. Before my big cry last night, I considered self harm, I got a tool I keep by bed to my body to remember what it’d feel like and then I just stopped because it brought me no comfort and no peace. I didn’t want to do it, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore-I want to take care of myself and I’m glad that I think I’m worth that much now. I miss her a lot and I miss my therapist and I miss my parents.

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Any Encouragement?

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | June 30th, 2014

Okay, so this has really been bugging me lately and I want to know what anyone out there has to say on this, particularly those of you who are married. Who is going to want someone with all of these self-inflicted scars on her? What kind of person is going to want to marry a person who has, well, all of that?

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Posted by healing | June 7th, 2014

To just get to the chase– I’m really not at risk of harming now or any time soon. I’ve gotten good at using tools– I can calm myself down some, distract myself some, soothe myself some. I mentioned something about wanting to hurt myself to punish myself for something to the my therapist a few months ago- he said that I never say anything about punishment as motive– I told him I was just being braver, telling him more. He told told me in the course of that that (is it unbecoming to share so much here, anonymously? what does “unbecoming mean? In 12 step anonymity is akin to spirituality– it’s the place of us all in the big flow…. It’s safe to share.) — he told me that me that I had done plenty of “less than stellar” things in the past and I’d never said anything about punishing myself. I was instantly jarred– what had I done? He took a moment then laughed- Mostly just punish yourself. That’s coming up now because harming as an impulse has been on the radar a lot. Why that’s happening is it’s own subject. But I’m so struck by what a deterrent his judgement has been. I thought judgement was ineffective and bad what I should be trying to avoid– his his judgement has helped me a lot to stay safe. It had never occurred to me that hurting myself was something bad. I had no idea. I want to articulate more, the shift that’s there with the idea of it as a bad thing, not something to rectify badness. It’s weird, that’s the best I have.

The next subject is about where I belong. I’m pretty sure that that answer would be that it is appropriate for me to be writing here if I’m not in immediate danger. Or maybe even danger. I’m not in danger. That’s very weird. But I don’t know where to go with myself. I’ve been on a many years long journey of therapy, etc. I’ve overcome a lot. But its like, if at first the sands are really shifting under my feet in a big way all the time and all I can do to stay standing is focus on the shifting sands and work on keeping my balance, largely by asking for help….. but then, gradually, the sands start to shift less. Now it’s a life that’s well enough within the range of what’s normal– it’s stable in ways. I move around freely. DO what I want to do. And I have generous appreciation for simple freedoms, simple securities. I get better and better at being kind to myself– today that meant stopping for lunch– it meant taking time to socialize– not rushing– prioritizing myself– being a bit late for something totally inconsequential, but I said I’d be there at 10 and didn’t get there until 11– and they couldn’t have cared less– probably didn’t even recall when I said I’d arrive– but, still– I said when so I could have used it push myself, be uncomfortable. Often, daily life is easier. And bad days now are probably about what good days then where. So where does that leave me? It doesn’t leave me kicked out of therapy. Hard as that is for me to believe. I feel a deep concern of it leaving me kicked off here too. But that doesn’t make sense. I think I would like to read me if I was where I was when I first posted here, which must be about 5 years ago now.

Where this is all coming from is inadequate time to process. And the lingering feelign that I just don’t get “it”– “it” being How to Be. I’m not looking for a figure it all out place– I don’t believe in that. The details are that my mental health plan, totally unsanctioned by my therapist, was to avoid men. But I’ve been talking to a man and I don’t think he would ever hurt me. I don’t know if I’m attracted exactly to him, or just the idea that he would be safe to experiment with closeness. So I’m afraid I’m using him. And I do really like him as a friend. Then I ran into someone else I barely know today he he stopped and chatted with me. He was on his way to go do volunteer work. And it was just shocking– like I opened some energy and now there are men on the planet who aren’t dangerous. I’m terrified. I really need sittign and writing and looking at it all time. But now I have normal people problems– like I am working full-time plus and I don’t know how to get to everything. I am suspicious of my business, or the way it obliterates most of the time I would have spent on reflection. I’m scared to what will happen to my creative life without the reflection time, and I also don’t particularly care what happens to it– and that’s even scarier. Right now the big problem is looking like how can live deeply and enjoy the growth-fulness of the activities I am involved with, and also get more social, and also make extra money to address the fact that I didn’t save a dime in the many years I wasn’t well, and keep the dog walked (he hasn’t been father than the yard for a month), and and and. write all that out sort of surfing along the top it, not crushed by it. What is it, though, that my energy comes and goes. That there are days where I could be workign on a project, but I just sit still. I’m much happier working. Today I would have liked to make myself do paperwork-y kinds of things but I see my energy getting smaller and smaller– I decided that maybe I can just do small bits of that at a time– this is week 3 pr more of trying to take care the paper stuff in my free time– so I did physical/real world/grounded/around other people sorts of things. I think that was a good way to manage myself. …….SI is on the radar. It would quiet everything. And it would give me a secret to hold and protect. I have to keep on working on being easier on myself.

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Posted by healing | April 13th, 2014

My 12 step sponsor just broke up with me. It freaks me out but I’m also relieved. Though feel nervous about talking to her. She left me a voicemail then I left one for her. What I am doing with the anxiety coming here and writing it down. I am really doing better and better all the time, with some troubles and recoveries and that happen on a faster time line than they used to. 12 step was so helpful to me at a time, but now I experience it mostly as stress- pressure. If I invert it on myself I will tell myself that it’s my fault that experience it as pressure. But that is adding pressure to pressure. I see more and more that the way out of knots is to relax, not to tighten more and ram through. I suppose 12 step was even good at helping me understand that, though I have not “arrived”…. I am experiencing pressure- and my experience counts. I don’t know that I really have much experience with relationships ending- at least not ending without dramatic happenings. So this will be different. And I am scared. I tried to tell my sponsor that, in DBT terms, working program was coming up as a should, not a want. And I have a million shoulds and need to tone them down. I suppose that’s its own little language and way of looking at things– but, to me, the DBT stuff is the instructions on how to *be* and my relationship with my therapist is very much primary in getting healthy, recovering. She wrote back to me that there are no shoulds in Al-Anon and that it was about whether I wanted what program had to offer, and if I wanted it I’d do the work to get it. It felt invalidating of my experience and she was hung up on her way of looking at things. Here- with two programs colliding I feel like I have no self but dbt/therapy is what I cling myself to. I don’t like the feeling of disappearing, but I do like that I feel safe with a program of self-care instead of clinging to a person who is bad for me and having no self there.

There are parts of my life that are still just so sensitive. And I have new experiences of managing all the time. Last week I made a mistake at work- I’m really not fire-able- but I was expecting my boss to be very angry. Shockingly, he wasn’t – at all. But when I went in early to try and fix things I made a trip to get supplies and was so full of feeling like I should be punished. Then walking down isles where I could buy tools. I didn’t do the behavior- but I thought about, instead, what I could buy myself that would be really nice to me instead. It was interesting. Calmed me down. And confused me. I’m confused about punishment. I guess that is the way of trying to resolve tension with more tension. But that’s the basic of how children are taught, how the whole society works. I don’t really understand though why it doesn’t seem to work too well on myself. I don’t know that it works well anywhere. And it makes zero sense that I would do something bad then reward myself. I don’t get it. ….And then too I could see a bit more of what happened that led to the mistake. I got way out of it in therapy the day before and was too un-relaxed and rebellious at the same time and doing something I knew I shouldn’t and feeling race-y and exhilarated by it and I screwed something up. Not quite a mystery. Where that rebellion needs to go is to insisting I have a self and I matter to my mother. I need to stick up for myself. It’s really, really hard. All week I’ve been sort of avoiding it and planned on working on an email today. (How not to experience the need as pressure…) I’ve been really nice to myself today. I got my first ever massage, which was scary and brave and feels like a new thing is open to me now. I bought myself some spring clothes, which I could totally afford. I bought more dental floss and mouthwash- dumb stuff like that- I’ve been out for a couple weeks and somehow freeze up on tiny self care things like- buy more. All of this to be nice to me and help me relax and work on the email- which will probably be all of four sentences long. Then the thing with my (ex)sponsor. I still haven’t writing anything to my mom. Maybe I’ll do it at the laundry mat. I was supposed to work on it with my therapist but it will be easier on my own- at least a draft on my own. And I need to tell my therapist something – I need to tell him- no exploring feelings around this incident- just focus on behavior. I can get through it like that and once it gets any broader I’m just lost and non-verbal. But I don’t even know how to tell him that. I’m confused all about protecting myself. My mom wrote my son a letter about someone who molested me, basically encouraging a relationship between them. When I write it out that seems pretty bad. I feel totally defensive of her. Totally denigrating of myself. I do really believe (I think) that I don’t have the right to interfere in other people’s relationships. Once I actually got the letter (I knew it was coming in advance) I actually felt better. I told my therapist- see! I’m not making it up. He said, who said you were making anything up. I guess I don’t know. He said that his message has been the opposite- that I am minimizing. I missed that message. I can’t wrap my head around anything. I feel like I led my mom on that I was going to let this person into my life. I did that by not standing up for myself more any of the past times she’s tried to get me to “make up” with him. He pov seems so totally reasonable to me. But my therapist says that that’s emotion mind when I see things her way and it’s emotion mind because there isn’t any logic there. ….Anyway – I don’t want to talk to my sponsor about any of this and 12 step is just wrong when people repeat the stuff over and over that you don’t get better if you don’t work the program. Wrong about not making meetings causing backslides. Backslides are generally caused by some not-fair instance in my life. I get closer to having just normal people problems. I loved, kind of, being stressed about a mistake at work because it’s just so banal and wonderfully simple of a thing to worry about. The only real problem is the urges toward self harm that happen in response to it- and those too I learn from, get better with. …. I think I can tell my mother that I am surprised by her letter. I feel like I should be angry, but I’m not. All of that is just directed toward me. But surprise is something I can work with…….

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New to site.

Posted by smudge1 | April 9th, 2014

Ive been SIing since high school and I am in my forties now. Any suggestions for scars?

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Feeling weird

Posted by Geordieland | March 29th, 2014

I got a new friend through facebook about a year ago, I then started to have feelings for her, I’m 33 she is 68 the age gap really makes me feel weird that I have these sexual feelings for her.(Were both females) anyway she knows how I feel, blurted out when I’d been drinking one night. My friend has been very patient and understanding for the most part but I am bordering on obsessed with her, I don’t want to go out much incase I miss her being online, I get jealous when she says she has friends going round, I’ve never even met her in real life and she doesn’t want to. The other day I went on and on about how she mustn’t really like me enough as a friend if she didn’t want to meet me properly, she then basically said I was needy and if I continued I’d push her out the door. I sulked and then SH. My friend knows when something is up and I did mention what I had done without really explaining it was because I couldn’t deal with my feelings for her, she feels responsible and now it just makes me feel worse because I can’t switch off how I feel but I don’t want to lose her as a friend either. If anyone has any suggestions it would be much appreciated, it was my friend who actually found this site for me thinking it might help to speak to others who have SH issues as she doesn’t really understand.

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