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Archive for "Adults Connection"

Am I alone?

Posted by davis40330 | January 10th, 2015

I am 43 and have been “hurting” myself for probably 30 years, regularly. Why can’t I stop?


Posted by healing | December 19th, 2014

The math problem I had to long on today was very easy, and for that I am grateful. Because my brain is fried. I am totally overwhelmed and frozen. I tried taking a shower, watching a video on dbt- helped a bit, maybe. The shower helped. I left my phone at work today. I think I left it bc I am supposed to call a relative in a treatment facility tonight and maybe I don’t really want to do that– but it’s not just a relative– it’s my own kid. So– obligation– and now– my light turns on– oh! I am feeling pressure– that’s that ache where I want to harm myself– pressure. I don’t do well under pressure. I am also so ridiculously sensitive and I just finished a memoir about/by a woman with a number of similarities to me and it and I just get really affected. Her life in the book is completely Bohemian. I’ve been thinking of myself as a recovering Bohemian, but there are things I miss. I miss having time. And that too feels like pressure– never having the time to just entertain myself, hang out. I’m not sure if I should try to change that. I also find the structure that’s now in my life very healing. I’ve been thinking a lot about why structure is healing. The facility where amy son is– there is talk about his need for a “highly structured environment”– I am 5 1/2 years into treatment now. Therapy structured my life for years. I miss that. Now work structures my life and I didn’t see my therapist at all this week, which must also be contributing to feeling out of whack. I am also on a higher does of meds and it has me feeling both extra laid back and extra foggy– the fogginess can be triggering– because I feel like I can’t organize myself and that makes me feel overwhelmed. I’ve been coping with lists, which likely leaves more productive than I was when I could think straighter. But productivity– maximizing productivity– that is certainly not the the point of life. The point of life must be something more like presence. But it feels sort of good too to be dialed down. And there’s sudden pressure to to schedule a visit with my son and I just managing living, going t work, then traveling a bit to see him all in one day– I know that is too much for me. It is too much for me– I’m supposed to trust what I want and what I know I need and I know that that is too much. I’m supposed to insist that I matter. I feel the urge to try and fall asleep to get rid o the world. I need to write down everything I am hoping to accomplish this weekend. My house is streakily clearer and I like that– I am grateful for that and grateful that I don’t feel up to working on it more now, I can reap the benefit of new levels of cleanliness that I have been doing. I should have called my therapist earlier today after I heard a very bad report about my son acting out. I was shaken. I think that if I focus on– I am going to touch base with him tomorrow morning that might calm me down. Yes, that feels better. I want to just pray, Dear God, please be with me. My best friend and other both had sugary today. They are both ok. I can see that my thoughts are all over the place. I can see why it might be unpleasant to be in my head right now. There is little continuity. And of course that feels overwhelming– ¬†nothing processed. I can keep myself safe. I can do it because that’s what I want and because I take precautions and do not have tools around because if I had something here easy I might use it. Nothing really feels safe though. I do not feel safe. But I am in my home, which I am making homey. And I am alone with my big, protective dog by my side. Thank you for letting me have a space here.

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Long time sufferer, first time poster

Posted by kristynsorrenti | December 5th, 2014

Hi, this is my first time on this site and my first post. I was diagnosed with depression sometime in my pre-teen years and have been SI for almost that long. I am in my 30′s now and still struggling. After going almost a year, i have SI twice in the past few months. I am frustrated with always having to fight, everyday, every second.


Seeking Treatment

Posted by SIman | September 30th, 2014

I am 29 years old, and seeking treatment for my SI issues.  When I become angry, I start hurting myself.  I am not currently a patient, but I have been trying to get in touch with S.A.F.E to schedule a screening, so far unsuccessfully.  Is it normal for it to take so long for them to get back to someone?

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What do you do if you need it?

Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 30th, 2014

Here I am, almost two years into grad school and I may not pass my benchmark class.¬†I am freaking out.¬† I was so confident.¬† I thought I knew it all.¬† Of the 9 people, three of us didn’t get a passing mark.¬† So I have to redo the paper.¬† Which is amazing since they usually don’t do a redo in this specific course.¬† So I am truly grateful that I get this redo with three of my classmates.¬† I don’t understand how this is happening.¬† I have NEVER gotten less than an A on my writing throughout my whole program.¬† Now this stupid TEACHER is saying my writing isn’t enough.¬† That I’m missing the mark?? Yeah I agree, that I missed a point.¬† I get that I messed up.¬† Now? Now im in class doing one more assignment until I redo this one so im not even sure if I get to stay with this group I started with.¬† I cant lose my group.¬† But I have to remember that I cant stay in something because of a group.¬† I keep wondering if I will want to keep going.¬† I keep saying Ill drop out.¬† I just don’t get it.¬† I don’t even want to do this anymore.¬† but this is really what I love. Its what Im good at doing.¬† So I cant quit.¬† But driving to school I was having a panic attack.¬† I was freaking out on my way here. I could barely breathe. I was trying so hard not to cry and to focus on staying safe and driving even.¬† I get to school and I couldn’t focus.¬† I couldn’t sit there for an hour and watch this video and take the right amount of notes without freaking out.¬† So I SI-ed.¬† I’m still not sure how I feel about it.¬† I focused through the video though.¬† However, Now….I don’t know how I feel.¬† I keep eating in class.¬† I need to stop.¬† I need to stop doing this and not freak out.¬† I just cant… I don’t know. I need to go back to class and focus.


One is silver and the other gold? Role of friendships/parents on behavior

Posted by goldenscribe | September 25th, 2014

I’ve had some time to think, or as much time as I have being a grad student.
I will be the first to say I know nobody is perfect. What I have to re-evaluate is whether the company I keep is holding me back, or setting a bad example for me, and whether my parents did set a bad example for me.
In some respects, my parents did it right. In others, they didn’t; all parents mess up somewhere. My mother has made it clear that she wants me to be “better than her.” It’s my firm belief though that if I do turn out the same as her career-wise, I’d be perfectly happy. I would not be as happy if I had a job like my dad. And I’m doing better than my cousins already, so why quibble? I understand part of growing up and having a positive relationship with parents is understanding that they did their best based off their beliefs and what they know, and you have to forgive them for what they messed up/didn’t know. I’m not at that point yet.
The biggest thing I’ve noticed since living on my own and such has been the company I’ve kept. There have been some who instantly get me and where I’m coming from when I say things. And some don’t get it/don’t want to get it no matter how much I explain and don’t want to let go of any preconceived notions they have of my racial background, which frustrates me to no end—-I really don’t feel like I should have to explain who we are over and over again when they keep on hanging on to stereotypes. Some are smart but don’t try and some stay stuck in their comfort zone forevermore, even if it’s not one they’re happy with. Some only come to me when they want something, some just are so stuck in their own self-destructive ways, etc. Thankfully, I do have a few friends who get me immediately on all counts, know their own
shortcomings, and strive to better themselves—-things that I’m trying to do right now, basically—because they are the people that serve as role models.
I’m just worried that I’ve got this all wrong though, that I’m being negative all the time, and that the people that I should probably just not talk to are really people that would benefit me, the feeling that I shouldn’t burn bridges, etc. Or even that I am using the word “I” too much instead of truly living a life of service.
But is it worth keeping company, near or far, with people that are not improving your own path to a better life, preferably one without SI in it? And more importantly, with people for whom the friendship is not mutually beneficial? When do both parties have to put forth the effort and when is it fair to call it quits? On a friendship, for God’s sake?

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Just so frustrated

Posted by goldenscribe | September 19th, 2014

If I could swear in all caps on this site I would, but apparently I can’t, because it’s against the rules.

And that’s exactly what’s driving me crazy. Rules. Why?

Graduate school was never meant to be easy, even in a field that is supposed to be easy……..something I’ve found out in my program thus far. What I don’t understand is why the staff for the thesis option keep on saying XYZ style is acceptable and then last minute they say the style is too old, and now they want the new style, but none of your literature lends itself to the new style. So I had to move to non-thesis option just for the sake of getting my degree on time, and keep my lit review as independent study. I checked on search engines though and there are PLENTY of articles using the old style that were published fine. So why won’t the school accept it???

But all along, administrators have been giving me problems. All my life. And I don’t know when it’s ever going to stop being “they dropped the ball but they don’t have to answer for their actions; you are the one that has to deal with it.” I’ve been getting that for the last year now, and I’m sick of it. SICK OF IT. And when I told them this, they told me to stop being rude. Yes, I was rude, and I was sorry if I’d hurt someone’s feelings. But that was then. Now, I don’t care who I hurt. I’m really angry.
And I’ve tried, TRIED so many times to do research and every time it has been thwarted by something. And I’ve been forced to drop it just so I can get a move on and move on to the next thing. Once was a lab that forced people out at the end of every semester because they didn’t have the guts to tell us they were losing money. Once I was ill, so ill I couldn’t walk. And now this. I feel like this is the world telling me that I’m just not made for a research career/too stupid to do it because I can’t plan things right or if I do something goes wrong anyway and it sets me back.

And I regret coming here, but it was either that or stay near home for this program, a place where my parents could come in every weekend and give me flack about how what I’m doing is a waste of my time and money and intelligence, and then ask me why I worry so much and that I need to stop whining. I am an adult. Why do I even bother letting them into my life???? And the horrible part is no matter what I do I would be getting the same garbage from them. It doesn’t matter the field or program. And I want to SI (why can’t I even use the words on here? another issue) but I can’t, so I can’t do that either. I am going to remain horribly critical of others and myself for the rest of my life. I don’t see any way out of this extremely frustrating life I live.

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Posted by vicki | September 15th, 2014

I have become addicted to self injury. ¬† The doctors have told me they have never seen it in someone my age,¬† or¬†with anyone with my intelligence level. I have spent over a month on a surgical unit then spent 2 weeks on a cardiac unit finally I was moved to a general medical unit for another 10 days. ¬†It was a very hard time and all because I self injured. ¬†But that incident hasn’t stopped¬†my injuring. ¬†I’ve gotten to the point that I am scared literally to death of myself. I have tried every form of therapy I have ever heard of. I have been in EMDR, CBT, ETC, TRADITIONAL PSYCHOTHERAPY, PSYCHOPHARM LOGICAL,¬† completed one DBT program and now in another DBT residential program-this is my third time in this program in 4 years. It’s not like traditional residential programs. There are mandatory groups and individual therapy, but the living arrangements are different. There is one 5 person group home, 1 building with 12¬†individual apartments and a few clients live in their own apartments-sate lite¬†(not owned by the program)¬†in the community. The clients who live in the 1 building with the 12 apartments live by themselves-no roommates allowed-but there is a staff 24 hours a day in an office on the first floor. Staff are responsible for anything to do with the¬†medication for only the clients who live in the building. This program really is my last hope. The program isn’t time limited-one client has been in it for 5 years and staff¬†haven’t even¬†started discussing¬†¬†her a discharge date. Like I said earlier PLEASE DO NOT ANYONE TRY SELF INJURY and IF YOU HAVE ALREADY TRIED IT-STOP BEFORE YOU BECOME ADDICTED LIKE ME and GET HELP, BEFORE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH¬†ANY OF WHAT I HAVE! Well message back If you comments or suggestions/recommendations. Bye for now Vicki



Posted by lovemenow | September 9th, 2014

I grew up unaware that other kids ate as much as they wanted, got the attention they needed, and were not yelled at for asking questions. I realized just a few years ago that the childhood I experienced would of been considered neglect. My parents have since then apologized about the lack of care I experienced and have tried to make it up to me and although I don’t blame them anymore I am still uneasy about the whole thing. I find myself struggling to death with the after effects of neglect and it makes me want to relapse and si again. Has anyone had a similar childhood experience? How do I deal with it?


Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 5th, 2014

I just got off the phone with my dad. ¬†I feel like a horrible horrible person. ¬†For once I stood up for myself and all I want to do right now is cry. ¬†I feel like I hurt his feelings, and I plan on saying the same thing to my mom when I see her. ¬†But I don’t know if I can do it again. ¬†My parents have been fighting like none other for the last couple of months. ¬†I felt like when my dad finally found a job again they wouldn’t fight as much. ¬†Now its been a couple months of horror. ¬†Either they scream at each other, throw me in the middle and I get to listen to both sides of the fighting, or they give each other the silent treatment. ¬†2 months ago I came home from school and my dad had left. ¬†He said he wasn’t coming back. ¬†After I talked to him (at 12 a.m) for two hours he finally came home. ¬†Its just been one issue after another. ¬†Here I am, working full time, going to school full time (at two different schools at that) and trying to stay has healthy as possible with my own issues, and I have to deal with this every night I go home. ¬†Last night I worked so hard making an amazing dinner for my family for football kickoff. ¬†I didn’t get so much as a thank you from my dad who sat there and gave my mom the silent treatment. ¬†Apparently he suddenly hates my aunt now, so when shes there hes quiet. ¬†COOL. ¬†Now theres one more person I love who is on his list that he doesn’t want to talk to. ¬† So today when he called, I finally told him to fix his relationships. ¬†That I was done trying to help them. ¬†They would see less of me until they figured out what they wanted to do with their future cuz I couldnt handle the fighting/silence anymore. ¬†I mean, I’m not a child, I understand adults need to fight it out sometimes, but I still live at home, I shouldnt have to deal with their fighting on a regular basis!!! No ones happy. ¬†Both of them are miserable (I know because I get the hour long phone calls daily about one of them complaining about the other). ¬†But I’m tired of pretending to be happy in front of everyone, but going home and being miserable. ¬†I just cant do it. ¬†I dont want to hurt them, I could really sit here and cry (at work, awesome!). ¬†I don’t even know. ¬†I wish I could afford to move out, but with all my debt from school, I really CANT. ¬†I’m 25 years old with a bachelors degree and I can’t afford to live on my own. ¬†I lead a great life huh? ¬†Ive been SI-ing much more lately. ¬†I just dont want to handle anything anymore. ¬†Its just easier to let off the steam for a lot of whats going on with SI than deal with it. ¬† I cant deal with all the extra stress. ¬†Here I am in grad school, helping other people (which I’ve gotten many compliments on recently surprisingly) yet I cant keep my own life together. ¬†Im falling apart at the seams and no one sees it. ¬†No one realizes I am a MESS. ¬†All I can think of is of hurting myself, just to let off some steam. ¬†Ive been trying to do things I love like reading, but I just cant focus. ¬†I’ll go through a chapter and realize I have no idea what I just read. ¬†Like, whats happening to my mind? Why am I spacing out so much? ¬† I should probably get help. ¬†I cant keep hurting myself. ¬†But the part thats really hard is the fact that when its others (outside my family) I can keep myself separate, I can help them and not let it hurt me. And for a long long time I was able to do it with my parents and just ignore it. ¬†But when I get sucked into this mess I just cant anymore. ¬†The thoughts of giving up and running away come more often than not, but of course that isnt any option. ¬†I just dont know anymore. ¬†I still feel like a horrible person for what I told my dad, and now have to go tell my mom. ¬†Ugh, wish me luck I guess. I dont know, I should get back to work now.