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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Archive for "Adults Connection"

Posted by barista.steph | February 21st, 2016

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written on this blog. I think of it often and how it got me through so many rough times and so many sleepless nights. I feel full of thoughts tonight and like I need to let it go somewhere. I’m not as used to being as vulnerable as I was before. I’ve been clean and sober from drugs and alcohol for one year and three months, self harm free for two and a half years. I don’t keep track of it so much anymore but I wanted to say that for anyone who is struggling and feels like going 24 hours without it is impossible. That’s how I used to feel. I have self harm on the brain because I was at Michaels, the craft store, this afternoon and I saw things that I used to use as tools and it caught me off guard how it made me feel. Reminiscent, sad, excited, a little tempting. Then I moved on. I try not to let those thoughts dwell in my mind for too long anymore. I think a lot of my relapses with alcohol and self harm started with letting an enticing thought go on a little too long and not talking to anyone about it. I think another thing that led to some relapses was focusing on the quick relief I’d get and not the terrible things that followed. I used to feel like there were two parts of me, the good side and the bad side. The good side always wanting to do better and get better and heal and the bad side wanting to cause mayhem and destruction and sabotage myself. Now I feel complete, like one integrated being with good qualities and some things I can work on. Most days I don’t feel that self destructive little monster in my brain, I don’t know where it went but it’s gone and I’m so grateful. I think maybe healing the guilt and the shame by opening my mouth and shining light on all that twisted up darkness made it dissipate. Self harm was always my “go to”, it was my best friend, it was my escape, my punishment, my relief, my very biggest comfort before I found alcohol and then it was still there always along side each other working together to help me slowly kill myself. When I stopped self harming I still kept tools with me for comfort, on one particularly hard night I even slept with them, just knowing they were there but not actually using them. My therapist never told me not to, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t encouraged either. Tonight leaving a 12 step meeting, I drove past near the hospital I was in 5 years ago. That day I had a suicide plan and I didn’t care if I lived or died and I walked around downtown the city I live in very intoxicated and out of my mind and I was harming myself in public and I blacked out. My memories are still fuzzy about the hours after and then I came to in the hospital on the psychiatric floor. I stayed there a few days and was detoxed and rested for a little bit and wow, its been such a hard, winding road through recovery since then. Passing by that hospital tonight brought all of this back to me like it was yesterday and I broke down. I hadn’t thought about that time in a long time. Tears of gratitude just exploded from me. I have no idea how I got from that girl walking around downtown hurting herself, so intoxicated I could barely stand, to where I am tonight. If I had to guess its by a lot of uncomfortable work in therapy, a lot of uncomfortable things in general, learning to call people and talk when I don’t want to, using people as support when I need to, sitting through anger and sadness and happiness and anxiety and letting it flow through me even when it feels like it will kill me, and probably a lot of grace from God. If you’re struggling, reach out, there is always help. One of my most favorite lines from one of my favorite books says that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

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Posted by healing | February 15th, 2016

I am coin. Two sides. I have been safe for a really long time. Minor slip-up, but it’s been years that I’ve been able to maintain. I went off meds. When you have been on meds for years you don’t know what they were doing, until they are gone. They were helping me. I’m more easily triggered without them. I can mostly control my behavior. Even if one side of me does not want to control it. Part of me wants to let go. Part of me has picked all these places and just want to release into it, to nose dive. My thoughts have gotten‚Ķ like the more I think about it the more the thoughts come. I can interrupt the thoughts with yoga. And somewhat interrupt them with work. At work what I need is to be left alone and allowed to just focus. I can remember to protect myself from interruption at work. I will be doing a lot of computer stuff– my plan will be to put my headphones in and listen to my yoga music. I’ve worked really, really, really hard to be well. I left an abusive relationship. I continue to navigate a difficult relationship with my son. I went from being a woman who didn’t have keys to her own house, her own wallet, no friends, to being someone who learned to call the cops when needed– to being free to move around in the world. When I think back to then I seem like I’m in a new universe now. I’ve built a career that couldn’t be more perfect. I have a team of people working under my supervision. I learn and grow. What I always wanted was involvement with a group of other serious yoga students. I even have that now. This is all part of why I thought I didn’t need the medication. I thought I was better. I don’t want to need medication. Off it I had one serious crash, then I came out of it and thought I’d wait to see if it was a one-time thing. Now I haven’t gotten as mentally off-track as the last time, but I am having a hard time. This started Friday. It’s Monday now. That’s a long time to keep righting myself and righting myself. I wouldn’t make it without help. I don’t talk to my friends about stuff like this. But I have a responsive therapist. Not great that today is a holiday, but I will live. Thinking back to the past reminds me of how far I have come. And I am proud of having coming so far. But the aspect that I could still get like this, despite all the change makes me feel badly about myself. I guess I can just keep my thoughts on proud side. At my work there’s a woman there who calls me “smiley” because I always seem so happy. That makes me really, really happy. A sort-of friend and new person and I started a book group. I was the one at the table with the unrelenting positive outlook. I take very good care of my physical health. I work all the time on my emotional and spiritual health. I’m writing because I want to stay on the right track. Because I can make a plan– listen to music at work to block out distraction then after work I will go to yoga. If I get overwhelmed still I can always leave a message for my therapist. Tomorrow I will make an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I already talked to her and my therapist at the same time so my therapist could tell her things I could not. She is going to help me get so things aren’t so hard. It doesn’t have to be as hard as this. In the meantime, I have all the tools I need to keep going. I just have to get through this patch. My thoughts might tell me that if I just release into what they want things will get easier, but that isn’t true. If I give in it will just get harder. It’s always like that. And it will be hard to go to yoga if I’m hurt. I have that as a solid reason to stay on this side. Somehow those thoughts are also me. I don’t know why. Why would *I* want that? Thinking about that is actually slowing me down a bit now, in a good way. I don’t want to hurt me.

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Feeling weak

Posted by invisible | February 7th, 2016

The last few weeks have been awful. It has been years since I have felt so out of control. Stress levels are at an all time high. It is as if the whole family is under this oppressive feeling. No on one seems to have joy or peace. It is more than I can bare. Mostly it is money issues that are weighing us down with no end in sight. I feel sad, frustrated and angry more than I feel peace or joy. So overwhelmed. Feeling tired. Just plain tired and stuck. It’s got to get better, right? Feeling crushed by all the crud that life is throwing at us. Invisible, as usual. Nothing I say or do seems to matter.

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Long Time

Posted by painchangedme | January 29th, 2016

I don’t know what to do right now. I have’;t harmed myself since I was 17, It has almost been three years but I feel like crap again. My heart hurts. My whole body hurts. I feel lost and frustrated and unwanted. I feel like I am not worthy of anyone. I was with someone who I thought I was going to marry and he broke up with me and told him that I was wasn’t good enough for him. I feel worthless. I am falling apart again fr the first time in 3 years. Someone please help me. I want to hurt myself to take the emotional pain away. I feel like I deserve it.

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Getting There

Posted by lookingforpeace | January 18th, 2016

It’s been about 3 months since I last used any form of SI. I think about it about every other day now. The urge is still there but it’s more a faint flicker rather than a raging blaze. Today I found out that my sister is pregnant again. It was a bit of a blow since I’ve been struggling with infertility for over a year now. Even with this news, that flicker still is just a flicker. I’m getting there with a large part of the help I received from a great, understanding therapist. I once went 6 years without my main way of SI. There is hope. I have more of a reason to continue on this path – I’m going back to school to finish my counseling degree. To be an effective helper, I need to be free of SI, but not necessarily rid of it, because it is part of my past and part of who I am as a person. Free of the control that SI has over me. It wasn’t easy. It was a long process of trial and error and practice over the course of a year to find what would help the urges.

Hopefully what has helped me will help someone else.

Recite a list of colors, plants, vehicles, animals – anything that you can list off many things.

Call a close friend to say the list to.

Find something to ground you in different locations – focus on the color of something, a smell, a taste, a texture.

Find a safe replacement/distraction – squeeze an ice cube in your fist.

Remove yourself from the location you commonly use SI when you have an urge.

 

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I’m the Mom of a heroin addict who was released from 4 days of jail yesterday & she’s 26.

Posted by FromPA | December 5th, 2015

I don’t know what to do. ¬†She was court ordered into counseling at 15 when she was injuring. Last year she was arrested for heroin. She was 5 months clean. She was working a program through drug court. ¬†Her friend at 25 died of drugs recently. So she took a train to Philadelphia and did heroin again. She was caught by her PO the next day & admitted she’d flunk the test. So she was arrested again for 4 days & got out yesterday. ¬†She called me today. ¬†I have no idea what to do. She’s 26. Her only sibling died as an infant in December. It’s December now and I’m already depressed. ¬†I don’t know anything to do to take care of myself or her. ¬†She’s back living with her father and he never called me when she was arrested again.

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help me help her

Posted by dd29271 | November 30th, 2015

I have just found out my 22 year old daughter SI. I am so scared. I am also feeling such guilt, as she said she has done this since probably about 16 years old. How did I not know? I have read that people who SI have been abused ….but she was not abused….she was loved by her father and I…we did divorce but remained very good friends and always worked together caring for our children. I remarried, and about age 15, my husband died unexpectedly. Could this have triggered the initial pain and SI? And how can I help her….she is starting to engage in drinking at times…I am encouraging her to seek help….but I don’t know if she will. She got angry with me because i know I started getting too involved and rushing to ask her so many questions. I promised her i would back off, and assured her I am here for her and will help support her through this. She lives on her own, so I am not with her daily. I am trying to keep my own emotions in check, but can’t stop crying. I love her so much and can’t bear to see her in pain. I just need help…is there help and success in addressing this

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Holiday Triggers…

Posted by raintechie | November 25th, 2015

I found this site from a random blog. I hope it helps…

With all the family and stress of the holidays I feel the anxiety and SI urges coming back. It is overwhelming, I have been SI free for a few months. I have talked to my partner about it, but I don’t want to worry her or my family.

I have tried drawing, knitting, read and playing games. I just don’t know what to tell people and I am not good at resisting urges when they come. I don’t want to bring everyone down around the holidays…

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Too old for this!

Posted by EJMdesign | November 24th, 2015

Hello.

I’m completely new to this blog — really to blogging at all. ¬†But I need to reach out somehow, to someone.

I’m 50 years old, educated, work in the arts. ¬† I haven’t gone down the road of SI since I was an early teen. ¬†But my 20 year marriage, that I thought was absurdly good, has just blown up. ¬†It may survive; it may not. ¬†But I feel helpless, lost, like the ground under my feet has been quicksand for years and I never noticed.

I feel … disposable. ¬†And irrelevant.

I’m not suicidal. ¬†I feel a mild urge that way but can’t do that to those around me. ¬†My mother is an 86 year old recent widow, and I’m an only child … if I committed suicide it would kill her, too .. and I can’t be responsible for that, no matter how much pain I’m in.

But the urge to hurt myself has come roaring back. ¬†I desperately want to self-injure. ¬†I am broken and afraid and I don’t know if I can resist this. ¬†I’ve been reading some of the self help sites, trying to resist … but I fear my resistance is crumbling fast. ¬†I’ve taken the sharp things out of the room, and I’m trying to distract myself. ¬†But I’m struggling.

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Need advice

Posted by Tweety56601 | November 22nd, 2015

I am a female age 32. I have been S.I. free for four months. About three weeks ago i started having urges for S.I. again. I started to curb these urges by coloring and tracing like i learned in a treatment facility i went to in may til july. But now the urges are so strong i dnt know how much longer i can fight them. Any advice?

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