Blog

This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Archive for "Adults Connection"

Catapult

Posted by rushingtonumb | April 4th, 2017

I 1st injured deliberately when I was 6. I evolved through different ways of injuring. In college, I added other ways. I quit for nearly 10 yrs and injure again when I was married and looking to divorce him, to find myself as a woman who actually was attracted to women. Good little baptist turned sinner lesbo, I hid and ignored so much. I was so strong after I left and married the person I believed was the love of my life. A good friend was murdered in a hit and run, a client overdosed and his chart homepage was stuck open for 2 weeks on my log in, my dog was hit and I had to pick her up. I am a social worker, a behavioral health tech, I “teach” all the others how to be “ok.” People look up to me and I am dying inside, yet ice cold and shivering just to remain in the present. So close to SI again, so close. I can feel it and almost touch the realness of the fire within. ¬†To slow the racing, to break the loop. To breathe, a deep breath I am unable to find. Alleviate the pressure on my sternum, the pain of my muscles bound so tight, waiting for anything to happen so that I can react in atrocities I feel guilty for in my own life, hidden behind the door. Barred from anyone’s sight, but my own. No one has stood with me, no one will stand with me. I stand alone, gasping and contained pain awaiting an end. Put me anywhere else.

No Comments »

My Birthday Curse Strikes Again

Posted by esoper1976 | March 19th, 2017

It’s times like this when I wish this site were more active. ¬†I participate in other sites that are much more active, but they are not trigger free, and some even allow/encourage pictures. Definitely not what I need right now.

My birthday has been cursed for a while now.  My Oma (grandmother in German) died three days before I turned 20.  A friend of mine killed himself on my 20th birthday, and at that time, my roommate was very suicidal and I was also being stalked.  That started a trend of anyone close to me dying on or around my birthday. My Opa (grandfather) died three days after I turned 23.  A few other people died around my birthday.  One year, I thought it would be safe to have a gathering of family for my birthday on April 1st (my birthday is March 18th), because by then, the two week period would be up, and no one would die. My Grandpa Fred died a day or two before then.

I thought the curse was finally over when my mother’s parents died. ¬†Neither of them died anywhere near my birthday. ¬†But, today I was given a harsh reminder that the curse still exists. ¬†My childhood best friend (we’ve known each other since we were four) died yesterday from cancer. ¬†Another death on my birthday. ¬†And, I am losing my therapist as well–she is retiring. I have one more scheduled appointment with her. ¬†She is trying to squeeze me in before that though, because she had to cancel my last appointment–she was out sick.

On top of all that, I have been kind of heading into a bit of a downward spiral. ¬†Nothing major (yet), but just kinda heading into a bit of a depression. ¬†(no relapses or slip ups, I’m still over seven years clean). ¬†My med provider has warned me that I’ve been on my antidepressant long enough that it could stop working at any time now. ¬†If that happens, he plans to just switch me to another in the same category, which should solve the problem. ¬†I am not sure if my feeling a bit down has to do with this being my bad time of year, me losing my therapist, or my meds pooping out on me. ¬†Hearing the news about my friend ¬†definitely didn’t help matters any!

No Comments »

my story

Posted by realm | March 1st, 2017

This is my first blog post to this site and I`m a little nervous to any reactions I may or may not get, but uh here we go. I started self harming at the age of seventeen, I had several injuries, I started using S.I as a way to feel anything other than sadness and pain, if your wondering what led me to this I`ll tell you, in 2015 I had to move from a small town that I lived in for almost six years and it was painful for me because I had to leave my best friend behind I was diagnosed with depression by a therapist but all my mom said was you make yourself like this, stop, etc.. and¬†her saying that would send me into panic/anxiety attacks that lasted from 45 minutes to¬†over¬†6 hours or until I decided to sleep it off. In May of 2016 is when I started S.I because I`m very anti-social and introverted and I push people away from me because I built this wall around me so people couldn’t hurt me like they have in the past, but within time I slowly let people in , but over time I kept slipping further into my depression because my friend told me you have no reason to be depressed and I should just stop being sad and be happy, eventually I turned to S.I to let the sadness out of me, I would S.I regularly for a month and a half, my sister found and helped figure out alternate methods to hurting myself, she even introdueced me to the butterfly project, after my parents found they couldn`t look me in eye for almost a month and because¬†of that it made me want to¬†S.I again but I¬†didn`t I was already a disappointment to them I didn`t want to make worse by relapsing¬†after I promised my dad that if I wanted to hurt myself again I would come to, I even pinky promised him. They even took me out of therapy because they thought my therapist wasn’t doing anything to help, when she was.¬†After I was clean for a few months I relapsed again and didn’t tell my sister or my parents and it hurt me even more because I promised I wouldn’t do it, I would come and talk to my parents so I added another, in December while my sister and I were in a hotel elevator she saw the injuries that scared over and she was angry and hurt that I didn`t come talk to her. Less than a month after I turned eighteen I relapsed again because I failed a test that I needed to graduate twice, so I¬†hurt myself as punishment to myself for failing; ¬†And very recently I relapsed again, in the beginning of Febuary after I had an incident with my “best friend” (not the one mentioned earlier) I was so angry and hurt, I injured myself and then I went inside and drank myself to sleep because I was angry that I couldn’t sleep so I turned to alcohol, after discussing the situation with another friend (we`ll call her Jan, I want to protect the identity of this person) Jan and I both felt as though the “best friend” was fake, two faced, and didn’t care about us. Last Saturday she asked if I was still mad I was honest and told her I was, (because she said she would change and she lied to me) after talking fro about an hour and half I got so angry and upset that I S.I, and my sister found out about three days later¬†and we talked it out, she said it hurt her. Hence¬†then I have felt as though no one actually cares about me I mean yeah my sister is there but I feel as though that she feel obligated to care. I feel so alone all the time, I feel like I have no one to talk to, to relate to. I feel that my depression,¬†really low self-esteem, self hatred, anxiety, and scars prevent me from living my life, getting a job, finding my soulmate and just over all enjoying life.

1 Comment »

Lost

Posted by blueray | February 2nd, 2017

I feel like I’m at the very edge of what I can emotionally tolerate right now. I am scared of what I can’t control and sometimes even more scared of what I can control but don’t know/don’t want to go about doing what I need to. I’m trying not to engage in SI. Ultimately I know it won’t do anything for me, but the rage and anger are too much. I sometimes feel it’s best to SI so I can get some of that emotion out and not take it out on others.

My depression has taken a nose dive. The news makes me on edge everyday. I am scared. I am having trouble finding a job and the constant rejection makes me feel worthless. Because of my constant depression I am not being a good person at home. I’m failing those I love. I have no close friends or support. So to help I started therapy again. The therapist cancelled our second appointment. I feel worthless and unimportant. I take everything personally and feel “what is the point?”. I’m losing any sense of purpose, and self worth. I’m scared of my own selfish needs/wants not being met and I’m scared for all of us and the planet. It all is so overwhelming and I don’t know where to turn anymore. The emotions that I hold in give me a headache and I can’t stop the emotional eating. I feel like I’m screaming for help, but it gets lost and if heard is not as important as others’.

I’m losing me and I don’t know if I want to hold on much longer if there is no hope.

No Comments »

Loss

Posted by esoper1976 | January 20th, 2017

O.k., so I found out from a friend of mine who sees my therapist that my therapist is retiring. ¬†I’m sure she will tell me herself at our next session in a couple weeks. ¬†I have been seeing her for probably close to six years now. ¬†She is a large part of the reason I am doing as well as I am. ¬†I know I will have the option of switching to another therapist at the same practice, and I will choose that option, but it will still be a HUGE loss. ¬†I’m not sure what to do with it right now. ¬†Also, she is retiring in April, which is pretty close to my bad time of year. (My birthday is mid-March, and Feb/March/April are bad times, mostly around my birthday, because that is when a ton of bad stuff happened to me). ¬†I don’t want to make my therapist feel bad by turning to self harm after she leaves, so that is a good motivation not to hurt myself. ¬†Last year, during my bad time of year, my therapist was out of the office for a few months because she broke her foot and had to have multiple surgeries. ¬†It was REALLY hard on me, but I stayed clean because I didn’t want her to feel bad for getting injured. ¬† It wasn’t her fault she was gone so long.

 

Right now, I would LOVE to get really sick, or injured (accidentally), and need to be hospitalized, but I know that probably won’t happen. ¬†I will definitely not be hurting myself in the near future, which probably means I won’t be in the distant future either. ¬†I am currently home alone because my roommate has ¬†a thing she just started going to on Friday nights. ¬†This is actually a good thing–she is learning she can do things without me, so maybe she will also learn I can do things without her! ¬†But, I have to stay up until she gets home. ¬†She doesn’t like to walk alone outside in the dark, and I told her I’d walk her in the house when she gets home. ¬†She said she’d be home a little after eight, but now it’s almost nine. ¬†I have to work in the morning, but she doesn’t. ¬†I hope she gets home soon, so I can get enough sleep for work in the morning.

There are a lot of good things going on in my life right now. ¬†I bought a house in October (super stressful, but wonderful too), and we are loving it. ¬†(I am renting a room to my roommate). ¬†We have so much more room than we had in our apartment. What is super nice is we have two bathrooms now–so we each get our own! YAY! ¬†But, I also get more alone time, and private space, which means I could potentially have more access to self harm. But, I’ve been clean for a little over seven years now, so I don’t want to ruin that streak.

No Comments »

Scared of myself

Posted by smac | January 16th, 2017

Ive never posted anything like this on public, but my name stays anonymous so im going to give it a try. I’m currently in the worst place in my head. I feel so lost and confused. I don’t know where my life is going. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I just need someone to talk. I just want someone to understand and help me. I don’t want people to think I sound bratty but I just crashed my brand new Range Rover Sport while I was under the influence of alcohol and anti-anxiety meds, im thankful im alive and didn’t get arrested but I felt that this crash has left me feeling extremely guilty. I put my life at risk, my best friend, and everyone in publics lives at risk and I feel so awful. I feel so sick and depressed in the head. I just got back to school from the worst christmas break of my life and I can not seem to put my head in the game. Guys are using me, and Im letting them use me. I’ve been left, rejected for other girls a countless amount of times, which has me to believe there is seriously something wrong with the way I look and act. I was so triggered yesterday that I relapsed and I feel that I need serious help but I’m scared to ask for it. I was in and out of rehabs for 5 years, I do not want my family to waste more time & money on making me feel happier and better. I feel that I am such a burden in their lives. I’m 21 and a pathetic loser who has never worked a day in her life. To whoever is reading this, weither it gets submitted or not.. please just help me. I just need someone to talk to and understand where I am coming from and how I’m feeling. I feel so crushed and useless.

 

1 Comment »

Today

Posted by blueray | November 9th, 2016

I apologize if this is not the place to talk about this, or if it offends anyone…but the outcome of this election has left me feeling so negative. While I can talk about it with others, my desire to SI and why it has come about,I can’t talk about with anyone. But I need get it out, so hopefully this is okay.

I feel like I have been victimized again. As a survivor of sexual abuse and seeing my abuser not get into any trouble and lead a normal life where everyone looks at him as if he is a great man… I can’t help but feel the same thing when I see who our next president will be. How is it okay to talk about assaulting someone and still be in an esteemed role? I feel so sick when I think about it. I feel anger and I feel so sad for my child self having to relive this same feeling again. This is not okay to me.

I am scared for my friends and those that I don’t even know that will be impacted by hate and discrimination. I have a very close fried who is gay and he is struggling to find his place now. I want to stand with him and tell him he is not alone. There are many, many people who don’t believe what this man does and that good will prevail. But it’s hard to say when I have a hard time believing that right now – hopefully soon though. I really disagree with a lot of what our two new top leaders stand for. I fear for our country’s mental health. I am scared, sad and angry. I want to SI for so many reasons. Sometimes I feel I want to SI so I can just lash out on myself rather than taking my anger out on people/things that don’t deserve it. I can’t even stand to talk or look at the people in my family who support this man and his beliefs. I need some cool down time before I can even comprehend having a conversation that does not involve me bursting into some rant.

Again, sorry if this is not the place to talk politics – but for me this goes beyond mere politics. It is affecting my mental health and I am hoping to hang on. Just like when I was younger I have to remind myself that I have the control over my actions and thoughts. I can choose to overcome and do good despite the negativity and injustice around me.

3 Comments »

Posted by barista.steph | September 12th, 2016

I haven’t written on here in quite some time now. This used to be my safe haven a long time ago. Now it’s late, I’m worried my friends are sick of hearing my struggles, and I self harmed so I don’t know where else to turn. I have these wicked anxiety and panic attacks. Today was a good day, I watched my football team win, I met up with friends, went to an AA meeting. I’m staying along at a friends house dog sitting for the next week and it was weird to be alone. It started as a tearful day as I passed a 9/11 memorial driving by the water today. A bunch of old war veterans out there flying the US flag and Proud to be an American on the country station I was listening to. Anyway all that was fine. My anxiety started when my throat felt dry and just built up over hours. I take a physical sensation and my brain blows it up. Like HUGE. I tried everything I could think of. I’m supposed to be trying temperature things via my therapist when this happens to ground myself so I put an ice pack on my face, that helped a little bit, I counted, I breathed, I prayed, I tried “acting as if…”, distracting myself, radical acceptance oh my god and nothing worked enough to stop it. I suppose they all lessened it a little bit but no enough to stop the attack. My partner gets so annoyed with me and told me tonight “don’t you know by now it’s all in your head!? It’s not real ever so why can’t you just stop freaking out!?” I got upset. He’s right, and I understand his frustration, it still hurt my feelings. I drove across town to the house I’m staying at and its dark and I’m alone and my dad didn’t answer and my sister had to go be it’s too late to call anyone and I was desperate for relief. So I self harmed, I had plenty of pause to stop and do something different but I had tried everything different I could think of and the anxiety was still raging. I immediately felt calm and comforted while and after I self harmed. I hate that I got back into this habit. After the calm came the shame and the guilt and it’s about an hour later now and I feel wide awake and scared and alone in this house. It’s like I know what I need to do, and I know I can do it because Ive done it before, but it’s so hard to stop once I’ve started and let it become an option again. I’m even more ashamed of the fact that right now I don’t even want to stop. I should probably want to, but I don’t, I want to want to stop.

No Comments »

Lost…

Posted by ithurts28 | August 22nd, 2016

Hi! I don’t speak English, I mean, I do, but it’s not my native language, so y might have some mistakes…
I hurt myself since I was 17, I’m 26 now. I have an eating disorder, anorexia, and bipolar disorder, type II. I’m like a bomb and it feels like I’m about to explote…
I’ve been self injury clean for three months, but it’s too difficult, all day I’m thinking about hurting myself, my anorexia is out of control, and sometimes I think in being bulimic, because when I eat it feels terrible.
I go to therapy, but I feel that nobody understands me, it’s group therapy, my mates have eating disorders, but most of them don’t understands my bipolar disorder and my problem with self injury. I log in here to know more people in my situation…

1 Comment »

Scared…

Posted by Lgbtparent | July 6th, 2016

I’m am a mother of a 13yr old transgender child Aj (FtM) that has also been Si for almost 2 years and a slight eating disorder another year before that. I lost sole custody when they were 6 yrs old and their father got full custody and I have what’s considered secondary. I have been communicating and trying very hard to understand and support Aj. The first time I found out they had Si was through Facebook messanger, Aj begged me not to tell their dad, concerned i waited til they were asleep to tell their father in hopes that he would calm down and think things through before Aj awoke. The next day was even more traumatic than before I had no idea he would react how he did and just screamed at Aj and made them show him. He told Aj if it happens again you will put in a hospital for kids n u will be very miserable. It scared Aj so they were more careful of where to do Si and to not say anything. Things have gotten worse and I needed to be very close so I am living with them now. The recent need to transition and coming out at first stopped all Si for over six months til Ajs dad screamed at them and said you will never be a boy n this stops now. Aj then had the worst Si episode yet and Aj told me they want to die. Dad is still far beyond accepting and I am just lost on what to do. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

1 Comment »