I wish sometimes why i do what i do to myself… I mean i work really hard in therapy. I do my hardest to be a great mother, and a great friend to my friends. But recently my sons father and i broke up after being together 11 years. It was hard for me but had to be done. I self injured and sometimes it just had to be done. I feel so alone sometimes. Like i could be in a crowd and be so alone. I am in a house with my parents and my son and feel alone. I love my family and i know they love me but noone understands what i go through sometimes.
Archive for "Adults Connection"
I Couldn’t Hold On Anymore
Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | May 15th, 2013
So my many weeks of battling off thoughts of SI are over. I acted out on the urge tonight after a bad day and just having enough of everything. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of feeling alone. So, I injured. I don’t think it helps that I planned out the whole thing. By mid-morning, I knew I was going to injure myself tonight. I knew I couldn’t go one more day without it. I actually thought, as the time approached, that maybe I could hold out and not injure after all. But then I got all stressed out about some possible money problem that I was not expecting, so I was just done. Normally, I would have been able to handle that okay, but not tonight. Not the way everything in my life has been going lately. I had a bad experience several months ago that seems to have caused much of my life to make a lot more sense. Why I’ve always been so anxious all of the time. I always wondered why I became so anxious at age twelve. I could never figure it out. My family is full of anxious people, so nobody thought that this was a huge problem for me. However, I recently remembered a traumatic event that happened to me when I was twelve, and after this event, my anxiety spiraled out of control. My parents paid no attention to my anxieties, but instead, my mom spoke to me in this annoyed tone on a number of occasions, and my dad laughed once, as if to them, I was overreacting. So, I began to do whatever I could to protect myself. I repressed the event itself, never understanding why I was so afraid of people looking in at me through uncovered windows. Then, I remembered the event itself here recently while visiting my parents and now everything makes sense to me. Why I’ve always been so afraid of people seeing me through uncovered windows and why my anxiety got so bad after that. It’s not even the peeping tom experience itself that bothers me so much. The situation itself was handled properly, which I am grateful for. It’s the fact that nobody listened to what I was needing from them in order to feel safe after the event itself that I am dealing with now. Remembering this has reminded me just how terrible I must have been to deserve not being heard, and that I was nothing but a bother. So, now that I’ve been reminded of those things, it’s no wonder that I have struggled so much with self-hatred and the fear of bothering others even more so than normal, and why my SI triggers have been so bad.
Sick of myself
Posted by buffy_the_vampire_slayer | May 11th, 2013
Okay this is too much in two weeks. What is going on?
It’s insane I actually think I am happier than I have been in a very long time so why am I doing this? It makes no sense to me. Maybe I am afraid to be happy. Maybe I don’t know what to do when things get a little uncomfortable between me and the boyfriend. Logically I understand that things cannot always be perfect between he and I. But anytime there is any discord between us I get worried. My happiness is going to leave. Why is my happiness wrapped up in him anyway? Am I not complete person without him? Capable of creating my own happiness?
I analyze every statement he makes, every thing he does. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Why do I feel this way all the time? What is wrong with me?
I am a very well educated intelligent smart person. Why can I not figure out how to deal with and express my emotions in a logical manner?????
This Again?!
Posted by Bean | May 10th, 2013
Tonight I SI’d. I’m in complete and utter shock, really…it’s been years. I’m not upset, not down, my life is looking up and things had finally been going right for me. So why did I hurt myself?! I don’t know. This feeling is so indescribable. The action didn’t feel the same to me as it did all those years ago either: no pent-up energy, no adrenaline, no satisfaction and no release followed. For once, SI did not serve its purpose. Is this a good thing?
Subconsciously I think I might know a reason or two for this unexpected episode. My recent success handling SI has been partly due to a change in meds. I changed meds and have had amazing results; my mood has completely shifted so that my emotions and actions are in sync with that of a “normal” person. However, I’ve gained substantial weight from the medicine and its begun to make me restless. I have a past with anorexia, and so there are eating disorder thoughts brewing in my brain. I have not acted on my thoughts, which I’m proud of. Instead, I’ve tried watching my diet more closely and getting outside and biking more frequently.
Also, I’ve had trouble with relationships recently. Basically, I’m in a dry spell. Relationships came so easily when I was far gone and deep into my SI and depression and my eating disorder, so it’s made me think that in my “sobriety” I’ve become…well…boring. I have a drama-free (but not stress-free!) life as a full-time college student and part-time employee. There’s so punch or pizazz to my life I guess, and I don’t like to create chaos and ruffle feathers. My most recent ex broke things off after only a month. We never fought, we had fun and laughed together, and things were smooth sailing, then one day she says I’m gorgeous and smart but we just don’t click. Her ex had actively had eating issues and depression, and it made me feel like I just wasn’t interesting enough, that that was really the reason. I don’t want to feel like I have no substance. Maybe I SI’d tonight because I wanted to renew that twisted vigor I once had. Shake things up a bit, see if pulling the damsel and distress act would win somebody’s heart. I don’t know– I hope not. It sounds so pathetic…it’s not me or who I want to be. At any rate, I don’t want this to happen again. Mark my words. Boring or not, SI is long gone.
New to the site
Posted by scared_alone | May 8th, 2013
Hello this is the first time I have ever been to this site and also to a SI support page. I began injuring when I was 13 and was eventually hospitalized for it when I was 14. The only solution or problem solving I did was switched from SI to drug abuse. Been clean and sober for 15 years. Now 20+ years later I have found myself injuring again and having a very difficult time stopping. I have been working with a therapist but hard for me to talk about it because I don’t feel like people understand. I am not trying to kill myself, I am only trying to take this intense emotional pain away. It allows me to feel alive for even just a short few seconds. People don’t understand.
My partner of 14 years has recently requested a separation and I find myself feeling like SI is the only option for me to “keep going” and release the sadness and frustration built up inside. I just don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I feel like anyone I may reach out to is only going to judge me for the injuring and not listen to how I feel.
I wish they would have had these types of support groups when I was a teenager. Going through this as an adult is such a frustrating feeling of aloneness and shame. I just don’t know where to go from here.
hospitals :/:/:/
Posted by barista.steph | May 6th, 2013
My partner is having surgery tomorrow and I am a nervous wreck. I’m trying not to be outwardly, but my body is reacting to all this anxiety and its hard. She’s nervous too. It’s weird to see her nervous. From what I’ve read it’s considered a major surgery, but it’s a routine surgery. There is an unspoken energy in the air, we hugged a little tighter. Then it became spoken and she told me all her wishes “just in case”. We have talked about this before but I think I’m so emotional now because we have to be at the hospital in four and a half hours. It’s good that I’m crying. That’s a healthy release. So we had that talk and now I’m going to put on my brave fave and my smile until they take her to the O.R. . My mom will be with me and she’s been through a similar procedure so that is very comforting to both of us. She let us know kind of what to expect and questions to ask. The gay thing concerns me because we have no legal rights together as a couple in my state-and it’s at the VA hospital. But I’m on paper as being the one to make decisions and things like that and so far all the staff we’ve talked to and the surgeon recognized us as a couple and seemed fine with that, so it should be ok. I had a very disturbing SI thought tonight, I quickly pushed it away. I am all out of whack about the article I was a part of. It came out today and it was weird. That’s for another blog. I haven’t slept more than a few hours in the past two days and I’ve been up now for 24 hours. Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me, but I just couldn’t sleep. I’m SO nervous.
hurt
Posted by Lostinside | May 4th, 2013
I am so hurt. I shared much of myself with someone who I knew also si , and he judged me and kept me at arms length, even though I knew that he was vulnerable himself, and in need of a friend. In a sense, I feel used by what has happened between us. I see him frequently, and he understands my situation, but is distanced from me. He tries to make me feel jealous, even though this is harmful to me and my psyche. I feel that he craves an emotional imbalance, and I want so desperately to build an enduring friendship. Someone who is there for me at all times, and I for him. Why does he hurt me so?
Trying to understand
Posted by buffy_the_vampire_slayer | May 2nd, 2013
So hey, new here, not new to SI. I also think I suffer from GAD. No official diagnosis, but yeah most likely. No eating disorder but body dismorphia. I have a miraid of issues no doubt.
When I was younger, in my early teens, I did things that I now understand to be SI, only I didn’t realize at the time or even years later that that was exactly what I was doing. I stopped. Years passed. I mean years. I am in my 40′s now. But I started again a few years ago. I don’t know how it happened. What made me think to do it. But I did. I was under a mass amount of stress at the time. Ex-husband (husband at the time) had just announced he had cheated on me but wanted to work things out. We tried. For 1 & 1/2 years. A miserable time. SI and alcohol became my way to cope.
Now here I am divorced and with a new man. Happy. Actually very happy. Been together for a year now. Things are going quite well. But as we all know, there are many stresses in life. Stresses that cause me to SI. Recent health concerns have been an issue for me. Gaining weight as I get older. Major issue. I look in the mirror and hate myself. Hate my body. Feel unworthy of love.
So now I am trying to understand. Trying to understand what started all this in the first place. Why I can’t cope like “normal” people. Why I despise myself so much that I want to punish myself. How I can be such a logical and intelligent person on one hand and this out of control creature with such self-loathing and disgust. I can’t make any sense of it. I just want it to stop.
Posted by barista.steph | May 2nd, 2013
I got on my knees and prayed. I asked god to take this sickness away, away from my mind. I’ve been drinking a lot. The big book has a line about “pitiful incomprehensible demoralization”. That was me today. I left my class and stumbled to my car to lay down,’I was sick in the parking lot and scared and my feet were outside the door and I fell asleep for a few hours and woke up. I remember a guy asking me if I was ok. What am I running from???? Why do I feel the need to be in another reality from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I was so gross today. I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. This woman stayed on the phone with me earlier until I passed out. She is a kind soul. I have not SI’ed in a few weeks. I wanted to today but I have no energy and I don’t want more scars today. I am so scared and lost right now 
Alone in a crowd
Posted by dark | April 30th, 2013
I have been injuring myself for almost a year now with no idea why the events started and, as of yet, no identified triggers that make me do it now. I have appointments with “professionals” about 3-4 times per month and they have put me on medication. But, I don’t want them or the medication. Deep down I know that the incidents are not healthy and that I should do everything I can to get healthy. I just don’t know if I want to. This is my life and I find myself bucking others who tell me that the way I am living and my choices are not the right way to be living.
The other day my wife told me that I embarrass her because of my scars/wounds and she thinks I am choosing to do it and could not do it if I really wanted to. Never have I felt more alone in this struggle than at that moment. Everyday is a struggle not to injure myself and though most days I am able to control it, the urge eventually builds up to a point that I can’t resist anymore. Though the injury is a relief, I feel so weak for not being able to resist it. I have told her this but still feel as if she doesn’t understand. I know that there are others out there going through the same thing but that doesn’t stop you from feeling alone when your close knit circle of friends and loved ones don’t or can’t understand. I just want to feel normal- one way or the other.
