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I went into my daughter’s room this morning after she left for school.  Today I found the first aid kit and a box of bandages …normally these are in our bathroom.  She has had the antiseptic spray and antibacterial ointment in her bathroom for a while now and it makes my heart sink every time I see them.  I am struggling so much right now because I feel like I have lost my daughter.  She’s 14 1/2.  We are seeing the counselor again tonight.  My daughter does not talk to me about anything important.  The therapist told me not to ask any questions and let her come to me.  Same for her father.  I feel like she is living in a different world that I am shut out of.  It is so scary.  The only time she talks to me in a kind voice is when she wants something.  We have a long drive home from school everyday…about 30/40 minutes.  She is mostly silent.  Some days it doesn’t bother me much and other days I just feel depleted.  I wish kids understood that their parents are HUMAN BEINGS with feelings too!  I know teen years are tough.  Especially these days with social media and pressure coming from every angle.

I would love some advice from a teenager on how to approach her.  My daughter does no sports, refuses.  She doesn’t have any after school activities.  We tried from when she was small…girl scouts, 4h, kung fu, art lessons, dance lessons, volunteering at the Humane Society.  None of these things stuck.  After enough refusal to try anything, we (my husband and I) sort of gave up I guess.  The battle became too much after a while.  We have another child too …her 10 year old brother.  I feel sad for him that he basically has no relationship with his big sister.  She is so secretive.  I am now (I’m ashamed to admit) sort of afraid of my daughter.  I am afraid to discipline her if she talks snotty because I’m afraid she’ll hurt herself.  I just discovered I think she’s having an eating disorder too…I had one when I was 15-19, so I understand this and I see the signs.

The therapist tells me there’s really nothing I can do except be strong and continue being her mother.   I feel so alienated from the world right now…I see pictures of other mother’s daughters on FB (who used to be my daughter’s friends in grade school) all smiling and achieving and doing lots of healthy stuff  and instead of being happy for them, my heart sinks.  My daughter has pierced her septum, stretched her ears, dyed her hair many different colors – right now it’s black and blue.  She wears black eyeshadow – won’t go outside.  I am so sick of this.  I thought it was just a phase when she started dying her hair in 7th grade…I have been waiting for this to take a turn.  If she had a positive attitude and was healthy, the style wouldn’t bother me so much.  I wish I could make my daughter see how special she is and make her understand that she has so much to offer the world.  She only has one girlfriend that she ever does anything with…and that is rarely.  She is very attached to her boyfriend who we like but I worry what she will do if they every break up.

I actually feel angry at my daughter at times. Then I feel deeply sad for her.   It hurts a mother to the core to witness a child deliberately hurting herself and it makes it even worse that she won’t talk to me at all.  I know I’m not supposed to ruminate about the past but I am constantly wondering where did we go wrong..this is useless I know.

I am so tired of the negativity of this…it’s dominating my mind.  It’s putting a strain on the family. My husband can’t say one thing to her without her biting his head off.  He has been working really hard to not engage her but it’s hard.

Well, that’s it.  I needed to get this out of my system.  Living like this is so hard because we as mothers want to protect our kids.  In the end there are no guarantees about life…and that’s a hard thing to swallow.

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We hope you can join us to honor Self Injury Awareness Day on March 1st.  We have events planned in the St. Louis, Missouri area on Feb. 28 and March 1.  Please click here for more details.

We hope you can come!  If not, let us know how you choose to honor this day – whether it be by reaching out for help and support, wearing the color orange – even if it’s in silent support, or just taking care of yourself in healthy ways.  We hope you’ll take a moment to do something, whether in public or private.

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I found out about my 14 y/o daughter’s SI in Sept.  She broke up with her bf and I saw a mark on her.  It startled me and I completely overreacted.  I went about it all wrong.  I immedately looked up info on this and realized that I shouldn’t have freaked out like I did.  I later went in and told her I understand that I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did and I was sorry.  I told her had and he doesn’t understand at all.  I, once being a teenage girl, understand the confusion and emotions that we go through because I lived it.  I didn’t SI, but I was a mess mentally most of the time.  I also did not like to talk to my mom…but I have had a good relationship with her in my adult years.  I just talked to my daughter briefly and asked if she would like to meet the therapist.  She said no.  I asked her is she was suicidal.  She said that “she wouldn’t come to me with her problems anyway”.  I asked her if she considered herself “emo” because she looks exactly like that.   She said “no, emo’s a style”.  I found horror pictures on her tumblr the other night and I almost passed out.  I confronted her about it and she said “you know I’ve always liked that stuff”.  She has always been facinated by the dark…but she also loves cute things.  She has always been very sensitive, but this has me worried beyond belief.  I am always walking on eggshells…both my husband and I are.  She gives us one word answers unless she wants something (I know this is quite typical for a teen anyway).  Can anyone give me some thoughts on what or how I should approach her?  I just told her that everyone needs a soft place to fall.  She said she wouldn’t come to me.  I told her I love her and that was that.  I don’t know what to do but I’m tired and depressed because of this.  I mean literally depressed – can’t sleep, can’t eat.  I don’t work outside the home so I’m home all day dwelling on it.  My husband is there, but not good with emotional stuff.  I wish there was a simple answer.  I pray every night and day that she will find peace.  That our whole family will find peace.  My heart goes out to all you other parents and kids who are suffering from this.  I will pray for you…please send some prayers for us.

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I read a lot of the blogs from Mums or Dads worried about their children and I read the responded comments from other Mums and Dads, but none from the other end. I’m not a Mother with a child that self harms, I am the daughter who SI. Let me tell you that my Mother finding out felt like the worse thing in the world, because your Mother is the one that gives you life and creates your body and here you are destroying it. Its hard and I know it is, but you have to be careful. Sometimes acting the wrong way could drive your child even more underground with this addiction. Parents, I saw my Mum fall apart all the time, because she was so upset over my SI, and it didn’t really make me feel like someone cared it made me feel like I should have hidden it better to save her the heartbreak, it makes me feel guilty, and feeling guilty is one of the main triggers of SI. But you cant just brush it off either and hope it goes away, there is an in between in there and you know your child best to be able to find it, even though you may think maybe you didn’t know them at all but truth is how can you know them when they probably don’t know themselves. Being active in a SI recovery can be very important, but over bearing can have the opposite affect. For example, if you child goes to therapy, sometimes its better to simply ask “how you feeling after that?” instead of “what did you talk about” “was she/he good?” “do you think you’ll get better” “can I speak with them?” it can make them feel abnormal like they cant have a normal life now that you know.

The hardest part I suppose is before all of that. Confronting someone who SI will always be difficult. No matter what you say they are going to feel caught out, like there secret is gone, especially if its your parents. My Mum did not react well when she noticed my scars for the first time, she screamed and called me stupid, told me how dear I do this to myself, why am I so attention seeking?! Shes not a bad Mum, she was shocked, scared that her little girl could hurt so much, and why? Its important to remember what you feel effects your child, if you suddenly notice something or become suspicious don’t yell and blurt it out, THINK before you approach the situation, maybe when did you start to notice a behavior change, how long ago did it start, what could have triggered it, sometimes you wont know, you would have no idea because your child has seemed perfectly normal to you, this is really not uncommon. I hid mine from my Mother for 7 years. When you appraoch the subject, maybe start with a “how have you been feeling lately” rather than blurting out that you know, maybe say something like “Iv noticed you have been acting differently or dressing differently and the other day I noticed scars, I’m not mad, are you OK?” Softly spoken, these words wont be EXACTLY what you should use, and I’m not saying your child wont still get upset, but they may feel less like its an interrogation and a stand off and more like you are actually concerned for them.

Denial. In a perfect world they would break down tell you everything and go to therapy and be cured. But we don’t live in a perfect world. They may deny it, get angry at you for even suggesting it. I know I did and that can be very upsetting for a Mother who knows and has been basically told to bugger off. Don’t yell at them don’t scream at them that you know so don’t deny it, cause they still will and then they will go to even bigger lengths to hide it from you. Just state firmly but fairly that you know and that you are very much there for them because that’s what you care about, them. How your child will react is based solely on your child and like I said, you know them best. Be gentle with them, is my advice, be loving as I know you parents are.

I hope I helped at least a little or gave you some insight on what its like to be on the other end.

I’m always here to talk? If you have any questions

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People of ALL ages self injure, which is why we have an adult program and an adolescent program.  The facility for the Adult Intensive program is CenterPointe Hospital in St. Charles, Missouri.

The facility for the Adolescent Intensive program is Edgewood Children’s Center in St. Louis, Missouri.  Edgewood recently put together this power point presentation as a virtual tour of the facility and program there.  We hope it can help some people get an idea of what the program is like.  Here is the link:  http://www.eccstl.org/images/pdfs/SAFE-virtual-tour.ppsx.

If you have any questions, feel free to write us here, or at info@selfinjury.com.  We’re always happy to answer any questions.  Thanks!

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So I just found out that my 13yo daughter is SI. I dont understand it and have no clue as to what to do or how to even approach it with her. She has not been open with talking to me here lately, starting to get private and even rebell a little. She is very smart, pretty and popular. I guess that is why is am so confused. I dont get why she would want to do something like this. One of her friends and her lil sister has brought this to my attention. I caught her asleep last night and looked at her. Not sure if she knows I know yet. I saw marks.  I am scared to death. I just found this and have never blogged before. Anyone with input on how to approach her please, I want to know what to do. I dont want to push her further into this. I will begin reading about this, but I think the best way to get info is from someone WHO has ACTUALLY been there and done this.  I dont know, I feel so lost and confused, and aparently so does she. All I know is I am totally cluesless about this and we need help!

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Like so many posts I’ve read on here, I never thought we’d be here.  Today we discovered that our 12 year old daughter, “RR” in 7th gr – in a Catholic School S.I’s.  She confided in her P.E. teacher and my husband who is my daughter’s step-dad, also works at the school. P.E. teacher told my husband that she asked RR why she looked so down today during class.  RR didn’t immediately answer her but then came and told her that it had something to do with scissors.  P.E. teacher asked her, is it what she thinks it is? and RR said yes.

RR has been in this same school since Kindergarten (it’s K-8) and since it is a private school, there is only one class per grade.  Meaning she has had the same classmates forever!  This group of girls have always been a problem with RR.  In Sept. 2011, I sent an email to the homeroom teacher to inform her that RR was being bullied and what specifically was being said to RR from these individuals. I was given the response that it would be taken care of and that the students as a whole, would be reminded of their anti-bullying contracts that they signed.

Here we are a year later and I discover my baby girl SI because of these same girls.  She tells me that she’s tired of being excluded.  She says that party invitations are being handed out RIGHT in front of her, even while the school’s policy clearly states that the whole class should be invited – if they’re passed out at school.  She says that the group have a secret language that they clearly talk about her again, RIGHT in front of her and the list goes on and on.  She’s not fat at all but she’s got some meat on her bones and no offense to anyone but the school is predominantly asian, we are latinos. They call her fat. She is ashamed and the hardest part is that she has begun to hang around the grade lower than hers because the “friend” pickings is so limited.  She is intelligent, beautiful, extremely sensitive and shy.

I am heartbroken.  After my husband & I talked with her tonight, she didn’t say much but we were able to get a few responses to either questions or reactions.  She says she does regret doing it and won’t do it again.  We have assured her that she has our full attention and whatever it takes, we will help her.  But what can we do to help her?  We told her that changing schools might be a quick fix but even as adults, there are people who want to hurt others.

She is wanting to “talk to someone” so first thing in the morning, I will go to her school and I am so angry, I want to raise (you know what) but again, it’s a Catholic school and again, also my husband’s employer.  He says he doesn’t care and would rather have no job than no daughter.  :(

What do we do?  I’m venting, I don’t know where to turn so I discovered your site on google and reading your posts, am also finding comfort that we are not alone.  But now what?  Is this something that we have to live with forever?  Will she be tempted to do it again?  I know it’s her cry for help.  This is mine.

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I’m trying very hard to be strong rite now. My niece SI…shes been struggling with SI since she was in her early teens she’s now 18. Its gotten worse within the past year since my sister left her behind at my Dads  to live with a boyfriend and is not actively involved in her life. This is new to me and I’m trying my best to educate myself in order to help her. I feel very alone in this. It hard for my Dad to understand what she’s going through. Why she can’t just snap out  of if. I’ve  passed on as much information as I can find to him in order to help him understand. She was also diagnosed with a personality disorder. She was recently admitted to the hospital in late sept. how do I keep lines of communication open when it’s so difficult to find that balance … If I believe she may harm herself I then have to cross boundaries and search her room to see if there’s evidence  of  intentions of attempted sucide.  I promised her when she was hospitalized that I’m here and never going anywhere. No matter how hard this gets or how much she may push me away at times. My feet are planted and I’m never going anywhere. I will do whatever it is in order for her to have the resources to become well. no matter how many times she relapses I will be here. I love her more than she can possibly realize. I have 3 sons and she is the closest thing I have to a daughter.

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Hi all,

My daughter and I are very close but my 16 year old  injures. I have tried every where i can think of to help her. She knows she needs help and I feel that is a positive step to getting better but the programs she has been in are only one week at a time and aren’t dealing with injuring specificity. She doesn’t do drugs or drink. She has gone through a lot in her 16 years.  I’m desperate to get her help. She means the world to me. Please help.

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It is with great joy that we are announcing the re-opening of the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program for adults.  The program is also currently open for Adolescents.  If you are interested in coming to the program – please contact us at info@selfinjury.com or you may also call 800-366-8288 and leave a voicemail message with your information for us to call/text/email you back.  

Both programs are located near St. Louis, MO and people often come from out of state for treatment.  The program is a 30 day residential program.    We look forward to hearing from you, we know the wait has been long – and we are so excited to be able to make this announcement finally!

Pam

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