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Archive for "Q and S"

I FINALLY GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Suzy | March 10th, 2017

It has been 15 years since I left the SAFE Program and 15 years since I have SI’d. ¬†And yesterday as I was driving along ruminating¬†over these past 15 years and what the difference is it hit me. ¬†The key to stopping self-injury¬†is to stop allowing others to injure you or imply that you deserve it because you are somehow less than. ¬†Once I realized that I was too valuable to allow myself to be attacked, I also realized that I was too valuable to destroy myself. ¬†I no longer allow myself to be minimized¬†and one Thanksgiving when my brother was attacking me I did the unthinkable: I kicked him out! Mind you my Mom owns this house but it is our home so I didn’t kick him out of her house, I kicked him out of my home and that was only if he could not get himself under control.

It is great once I realized that I really am a person of worth, I don’t have to put up with nearly as much garbage as I used too. ¬†Even though I am dealing with the same people, it is as if the word has gone out not to mess with me. ¬†It is really cool I don’t have everybody “shoulding” all over me anymore.

So if anybody is still in touch with Michelle, tell her thanks, I got it.  It took awhile but I did get it, and that is why I had to leave because I got it.

Suzy and Dylan dog

 

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Posted by blueray | March 9th, 2017

I feel like a failure. I can’t seem to find a job. I feel worthless and unwanted. My education feels like a waste of time and money. I am getting desperate. The more desperate I become the worse the downward spiral gets. I think because of how I a have been feeling, I have started to have more and more intrusive thoughts about self harm. My thoughts are very graphic, and severe. I don’t want to think I’d act on anything, however I did just buy some new ‘tools’. There is this ‘I don’t care attitude’ about SI right now. I feel like I am worthless so I am not putting much value on my health and what I choose to do to my body.
I really don’t know what to do. I continue to not to have anyone to confide in. I was hoping for some sort of divine intervention, but I have lost most of the faith. And yet, walking around I seem almost calm and ok. I am ashamed to admit its because I have told myself that it can be a choice to give up. I think having that as an option has made things seem less intense. Like I have a way out.
I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to have a way out – not like that anyway. I just feel so stuck and alone. I want to be wanted, to be financially independent, to feel valued and worth something. While I am finding a tad bit of that in volunteer work, it is not the same. I continue to feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel embarrassed even typing this out and using this blog as a outlet, but the anonymity helps.
My one hope one day is that I can use my past experiences and struggles with SI to help others. I have tried to get on that path. Why is it so hard. I just want to feel useful. I want the scars to mean something more than just shame. It feels like I will forever be covering up, struggling for acceptance and belonging. The struggle is exhausting.

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my story

Posted by realm | March 1st, 2017

This is my first blog post to this site and I`m a little nervous to any reactions I may or may not get, but uh here we go. I started self harming at the age of seventeen, I had several injuries, I started using S.I as a way to feel anything other than sadness and pain, if your wondering what led me to this I`ll tell you, in 2015 I had to move from a small town that I lived in for almost six years and it was painful for me because I had to leave my best friend behind I was diagnosed with depression by a therapist but all my mom said was you make yourself like this, stop, etc.. and¬†her saying that would send me into panic/anxiety attacks that lasted from 45 minutes to¬†over¬†6 hours or until I decided to sleep it off. In May of 2016 is when I started S.I because I`m very anti-social and introverted and I push people away from me because I built this wall around me so people couldn’t hurt me like they have in the past, but within time I slowly let people in , but over time I kept slipping further into my depression because my friend told me you have no reason to be depressed and I should just stop being sad and be happy, eventually I turned to S.I to let the sadness out of me, I would S.I regularly for a month and a half, my sister found and helped figure out alternate methods to hurting myself, she even introdueced me to the butterfly project, after my parents found they couldn`t look me in eye for almost a month and because¬†of that it made me want to¬†S.I again but I¬†didn`t I was already a disappointment to them I didn`t want to make worse by relapsing¬†after I promised my dad that if I wanted to hurt myself again I would come to, I even pinky promised him. They even took me out of therapy because they thought my therapist wasn’t doing anything to help, when she was.¬†After I was clean for a few months I relapsed again and didn’t tell my sister or my parents and it hurt me even more because I promised I wouldn’t do it, I would come and talk to my parents so I added another, in December while my sister and I were in a hotel elevator she saw the injuries that scared over and she was angry and hurt that I didn`t come talk to her. Less than a month after I turned eighteen I relapsed again because I failed a test that I needed to graduate twice, so I¬†hurt myself as punishment to myself for failing; ¬†And very recently I relapsed again, in the beginning of Febuary after I had an incident with my “best friend” (not the one mentioned earlier) I was so angry and hurt, I injured myself and then I went inside and drank myself to sleep because I was angry that I couldn’t sleep so I turned to alcohol, after discussing the situation with another friend (we`ll call her Jan, I want to protect the identity of this person) Jan and I both felt as though the “best friend” was fake, two faced, and didn’t care about us. Last Saturday she asked if I was still mad I was honest and told her I was, (because she said she would change and she lied to me) after talking fro about an hour and half I got so angry and upset that I S.I, and my sister found out about three days later¬†and we talked it out, she said it hurt her. Hence¬†then I have felt as though no one actually cares about me I mean yeah my sister is there but I feel as though that she feel obligated to care. I feel so alone all the time, I feel like I have no one to talk to, to relate to. I feel that my depression,¬†really low self-esteem, self hatred, anxiety, and scars prevent me from living my life, getting a job, finding my soulmate and just over all enjoying life.

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Lost

Posted by blueray | February 2nd, 2017

I feel like I’m at the very edge of what I can emotionally tolerate right now. I am scared of what I can’t control and sometimes even more scared of what I can control but don’t know/don’t want to go about doing what I need to. I’m trying not to engage in SI. Ultimately I know it won’t do anything for me, but the rage and anger are too much. I sometimes feel it’s best to SI so I can get some of that emotion out and not take it out on others.

My depression has taken a nose dive. The news makes me on edge everyday. I am scared. I am having trouble finding a job and the constant rejection makes me feel worthless. Because of my constant depression I am not being a good person at home. I’m failing those I love. I have no close friends or support. So to help I started therapy again. The therapist cancelled our second appointment. I feel worthless and unimportant. I take everything personally and feel “what is the point?”. I’m losing any sense of purpose, and self worth. I’m scared of my own selfish needs/wants not being met and I’m scared for all of us and the planet. It all is so overwhelming and I don’t know where to turn anymore. The emotions that I hold in give me a headache and I can’t stop the emotional eating. I feel like I’m screaming for help, but it gets lost and if heard is not as important as others’.

I’m losing me and I don’t know if I want to hold on much longer if there is no hope.

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Hello

Posted by helpgirl | January 17th, 2017

This is my first post. Ive found few coping methods but there are couple that have worked: helping others; coloring; reading; drawing and music

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Scared of myself

Posted by smac | January 16th, 2017

Ive never posted anything like this on public, but my name stays anonymous so im going to give it a try. I’m currently in the worst place in my head. I feel so lost and confused. I don’t know where my life is going. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I just need someone to talk. I just want someone to understand and help me. I don’t want people to think I sound bratty but I just crashed my brand new Range Rover Sport while I was under the influence of alcohol and anti-anxiety meds, im thankful im alive and didn’t get arrested but I felt that this crash has left me feeling extremely guilty. I put my life at risk, my best friend, and everyone in publics lives at risk and I feel so awful. I feel so sick and depressed in the head. I just got back to school from the worst christmas break of my life and I can not seem to put my head in the game. Guys are using me, and Im letting them use me. I’ve been left, rejected for other girls a countless amount of times, which has me to believe there is seriously something wrong with the way I look and act. I was so triggered yesterday that I relapsed and I feel that I need serious help but I’m scared to ask for it. I was in and out of rehabs for 5 years, I do not want my family to waste more time & money on making me feel happier and better. I feel that I am such a burden in their lives. I’m 21 and a pathetic loser who has never worked a day in her life. To whoever is reading this, weither it gets submitted or not.. please just help me. I just need someone to talk to and understand where I am coming from and how I’m feeling. I feel so crushed and useless.

 

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Hi its been a long time

Posted by Sabrina | December 20th, 2016

I feel like no one gets me.

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Today

Posted by blueray | November 9th, 2016

I apologize if this is not the place to talk about this, or if it offends anyone…but the outcome of this election has left me feeling so negative. While I can talk about it with others, my desire to SI and why it has come about,I can’t talk about with anyone. But I need get it out, so hopefully this is okay.

I feel like I have been victimized again. As a survivor of sexual abuse and seeing my abuser not get into any trouble and lead a normal life where everyone looks at him as if he is a great man… I can’t help but feel the same thing when I see who our next president will be. How is it okay to talk about assaulting someone and still be in an esteemed role? I feel so sick when I think about it. I feel anger and I feel so sad for my child self having to relive this same feeling again. This is not okay to me.

I am scared for my friends and those that I don’t even know that will be impacted by hate and discrimination. I have a very close fried who is gay and he is struggling to find his place now. I want to stand with him and tell him he is not alone. There are many, many people who don’t believe what this man does and that good will prevail. But it’s hard to say when I have a hard time believing that right now – hopefully soon though. I really disagree with a lot of what our two new top leaders stand for. I fear for our country’s mental health. I am scared, sad and angry. I want to SI for so many reasons. Sometimes I feel I want to SI so I can just lash out on myself rather than taking my anger out on people/things that don’t deserve it. I can’t even stand to talk or look at the people in my family who support this man and his beliefs. I need some cool down time before I can even comprehend having a conversation that does not involve me bursting into some rant.

Again, sorry if this is not the place to talk politics – but for me this goes beyond mere politics. It is affecting my mental health and I am hoping to hang on. Just like when I was younger I have to remind myself that I have the control over my actions and thoughts. I can choose to overcome and do good despite the negativity and injustice around me.

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More College and More Relapsing

Posted by Kohl | October 14th, 2016

I literally just self harmed. I’ve been working on a 6+ page essay for hours today, but I haven’t been able to focus. My new therapist thinks I have ADD on top of my anxiety disorder and depression. I’ve been clean for a few days, but I stopped being able to focus, and I couldn’t stop fidgeting, and my body reacted weirdly to my anxiety, and none of my other coping skills worked. My phone wasn’t working- I have bad service in my dorm- and I had to self harm. I don’t feel guilty, but I still feel bad about it. More than anything else, I’m just annoyed that I’ll have to wear long sleeves for a while. I’ve been horribly sick all week, and I’ve been hot then cold then hot again, and now I’ll have to stay in my sweatshirts to hide what I did. I haven’t had the motivation to ask the Wellness Center if there is a group for self harmers. I want to look into it, but I don’t want to at the same time. I’ve been getting bad again, and I don’t want to be the freak who wants to get better but just can’t. Now that I’ve self harmed I can focus more, even if it’s not on my essay that’s due tomorrow… well, later today.
I’m so tired. I’m so tired, and I’m really glad that I haven’t felt suicidal in a while, because if I was still feeling suicidal it’d feel even worse.

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Posted by barista.steph | September 12th, 2016

I haven’t written on here in quite some time now. This used to be my safe haven a long time ago. Now it’s late, I’m worried my friends are sick of hearing my struggles, and I self harmed so I don’t know where else to turn. I have these wicked anxiety and panic attacks. Today was a good day, I watched my football team win, I met up with friends, went to an AA meeting. I’m staying along at a friends house dog sitting for the next week and it was weird to be alone. It started as a tearful day as I passed a 9/11 memorial driving by the water today. A bunch of old war veterans out there flying the US flag and Proud to be an American on the country station I was listening to. Anyway all that was fine. My anxiety started when my throat felt dry and just built up over hours. I take a physical sensation and my brain blows it up. Like HUGE. I tried everything I could think of. I’m supposed to be trying temperature things via my therapist when this happens to ground myself so I put an ice pack on my face, that helped a little bit, I counted, I breathed, I prayed, I tried “acting as if…”, distracting myself, radical acceptance oh my god and nothing worked enough to stop it. I suppose they all lessened it a little bit but no enough to stop the attack. My partner gets so annoyed with me and told me tonight “don’t you know by now it’s all in your head!? It’s not real ever so why can’t you just stop freaking out!?” I got upset. He’s right, and I understand his frustration, it still hurt my feelings. I drove across town to the house I’m staying at and its dark and I’m alone and my dad didn’t answer and my sister had to go be it’s too late to call anyone and I was desperate for relief. So I self harmed, I had plenty of pause to stop and do something different but I had tried everything different I could think of and the anxiety was still raging. I immediately felt calm and comforted while and after I self harmed. I hate that I got back into this habit. After the calm came the shame and the guilt and it’s about an hour later now and I feel wide awake and scared and alone in this house. It’s like I know what I need to do, and I know I can do it because Ive done it before, but it’s so hard to stop once I’ve started and let it become an option again. I’m even more ashamed of the fact that right now I don’t even want to stop. I should probably want to, but I don’t, I want to want to stop.

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