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This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Why si?

Posted by momofsi | December 6th, 2014

Can anyone that has SI’d offer some advice? I have a 14 year old daughter and we have just discovered tonight that she has SI again. Did this once before about 8 months ago and now I have found tools agin and she admitted quickly and showed without hesitation. She said she thought we knew, and she claims it is about 2 weeks old. why does my beautiful daughter want to scar herself? We have seen counsellors over the past couple years, but stopped going for lack of communication between them and myself- they offer me no plan or ideas to help her. I know she had shown signs of depression for a couple years and we are now going to a new therapist and Tuesday will be 2 visit. Is it because she knows she is adopted? She was taken from her birth mother at age 6 for neglect, no physical abuse. ¬†She is know separated from the 2 younger brothers she helped care for all during those years she lived in poor, filthy conditions with a bowl of ramen noodles for every meal. She got no positive attention from her birth mother, a maternal bond was never established and she cannot be affectionate now. She stays in contact with her birth mother via her cell phone, to which I do not agree with but can’t no longer stop. I try not to speak negative about her. Any words of wisdom?

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Long time sufferer, first time poster

Posted by kristynsorrenti | December 5th, 2014

Hi, this is my first time on this site and my first post. I was diagnosed with depression sometime in my pre-teen years and have been SI for almost that long. I am in my 30′s now and still struggling. After going almost a year, i have SI twice in the past few months. I am frustrated with always having to fight, everyday, every second.

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Research study in NYC seeking participants!

Posted by FordhamUResearch | November 28th, 2014

Participate in a Fordham University research study on daily life experiences, thoughts, and behaviors! Must be in the New York City area to participate.

We are looking for teenagers between the ages of 14-18 to participate in a research study looking at experiences with peers, thoughts, and behaviors.

If you decide to participate, you will be asked to complete a survey for about an hour and a half in person, and to complete confidential daily online surveys on your cell phone for 2 weeks.

Participants will receive a $20 Amazon gift card for each of 2 parts of the study (a total of $40 in Amazon gift cards if the whole study is completed), and participants will also be entered into a raffle for an additional $50 Amazon gift card.

If you are interested, you must:
- Be between the ages of 14-18
- Speak, read, and write in English
- Have a cell phone with text messaging and Internet access

The consent of a parent or legal guardian is also required to participate in the study. Not everyone who is interested will be able to participate, so please contact us to find out if you are eligible!

If you are interested in participating, please contact us at “dailylifeexperiences@gmail.com” or 646 580 2723.

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Today i started again

Posted by blackrose0 | November 26th, 2014

So i haven’t injured in 5 months but today i did i been feeling very sad and depressed. I don’t know what to do i tried my coping skills talking to people but injuring seem to be the only option today. I have bipolar and i been going through this since i was 15 years old, i’m now 23 years of age i’m exhausted of all this i just wanna be happy. I don’t want to worry my family and friends but i’m not happy i’m in a dark place right now and i don’t know why. i have this dark cloud hovering over me and these demons in me that wont leave me alone. i think i’m at a place where i need to go to the hospital again gosh when will this stuff stop.

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Diagnosed

Posted by Thoughtspiller | November 15th, 2014

Well, I finally got help. ¬†I saw a therapist. ¬†It was probably the scariest thing I have ever done. ¬†I didnt know what to expect. ¬†But here I am two years into grad school I needed to really understand who I was and what I was doing. ¬†So I ended up going in. ¬†And I left with a mood disorder. Considering I’m constantly diagnosing in school, I knew I had an Eating Disorder. ¬†I knew I met all the criteria, but I always thought well thats just me over analyzing it all. ¬†Youre not really suppose to diagnose yourself, so i was like cool, whatever. ¬†Well, nope. ¬†I have an eating disorder. ¬†My medical file shows I have an eating disorder. ¬†All of my SI branched off from my ED. ¬†My shopping habits come from my ED. ¬†My moods fluctuating? Yep you guessed it, ED. ¬†So tomorrow I start antidepressants and see a nutritionist Friday. ¬†Then i go into an eating disorder clinic on a weekly basis for about a year. ¬†Im freaking out. ¬†On one end Im happy I have the answers. ¬†But then Im scared I’m just going to fail this too. ¬†Ive failed at recovery with SI, with my ED, with almost everything that I have ever tried! ¬†Why do I think this time is going to be any better?? ¬†Am i going to change now? Will I finally start to like myself?? I wont hate myself when I see myself in the morning?? ¬† I know the changes wont be immediate. ¬†I know I cant snap and everything is going to be better right away. ¬†But is this the change that ive been waiting for the last ten years? ¬†I know in my gut this is a step in the right direction. I’m just scared. ¬†Im so completely scared.

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My first time on here

Posted by miyaharley98 | November 15th, 2014

Hello everyone, this is my first time on this site, I had it recommended to me by my therapist. So, I’ve been sick for nearly two years now. Nausea off and on, headaches, abdominal pain, the works. Basically like having the flu off and on for two years. I’ve been to tones of different doctors, specialists, hospitals, so far, no ones knows anything. The only thing that has helped me is a naturalist doctor. I’ve been on his program for about five months now, and I have actually improved a lot from where I was before, but I still have lots of set backs and bad days. Before I started going to the naturalist, I was bedridden for a week. I needed help to make it to the bathroom which was only seven feet away. I was super dizzy, nauseous, lots of lower pain. I was so dehydrated, and drinking anything only made the nausea worse. By day three, I was really worried, because I could tell that it wasn’t the flu, and before it got that bad, I had slowly been getting worse for about a month. I was really worried that it was something very serious, and that that might be it for me.

Before I got that bad, I had actually been coping with being sick fairly well, because I still had more good days than bad days, but after that week, I had been pretty traumatized, even when I started to improve. I started having really bad panic attacks about three or more times a day, sometimes up to five times a day. I couldn’t sleep very well at night, because I was scared of waking up that sick again. I was exhausted, often I would end up going to the nurses office or the library to sleep during my spares, because I just couldn’t stay awake. The panic attacks began to taper down about a month later, and now I’ve gotten to the point where I usually only have one a week if I’m lucky. Once the panic attacks started occurring less often, the depression set in, and the urges to self harm followed pretty soon after. So far I’ve managed not to, and my therapist recommended using distractions as a substitute, which has worked so far, but I was wondering if anyone had any other suggestions or advice? Really, anything right now would be helpful. Other substitutes, distractions, advice, anything.

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It Gets Better

Posted by scarredinplainsight | November 13th, 2014

Hey everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. A little over 2 years to be exact.

When I first found this website, I was 17 and stuck in a terrible place in my life. ¬†Losing my who I considered to be my best friend, having a boyfriend who stepped all over me, and many other things. ¬†I found harming myself to be an outlet for all the hurt, confusion, and anger that I had. And for about a year I continued to harm myself, I was very depressed. ¬†I felt as though I had hit rock bottom. It was then that my brother approached me with his suspicions, and after a lot of denying and lying on my part, he finally got the truth out of me. ¬†He held me as I cried about how ashamed I was, and then instead of being mad at me like I thought he would be, he took me to my parents, and sat with me as the truth about the last year of my life was revealed. ¬†Word slowly traveled to some of the teachers at my school, and they recommended someone for me to talk to. ¬†She helped at first, but then after a while it started to feel like she wasn’t concerned with helping me, just getting paid. ¬†I started to tell her what she wanted to hear so I could be done with her.

That was around graduation. ¬†When it came time for me to go to college, I put my past behind me, and jumped right in. ¬†Sure my past sometimes crept up on me, but I knew the best thing to do was ignore it, cause if my school found out, there was a chance I would be asked to take time off of school. ¬†And I couldn’t do that. ¬†All I was trying to do was make my family proud of me, and show them that I could do something right. ¬†That didn’t last for long, and soon it got to be too much to handle. ¬†An RA in my building found out about my troubles one night, and they had to act as they were taught. ¬†A cop came to see how I was, and then my parents were called to come and take me home for a few days. ¬†I was beyond terrified of letting my parents down, but when we got home I realized that they weren’t disappointed, but worried. ¬†After going to all the doctors like I was told to, I was told that part of my problem was that I have ADHD, and was never taught how to handle it. ¬†This explained so much and played a huge part in my failing grades. ¬†How are you suppose to learn anything when you can’t pay attention in class? ¬†Especially at a school as fast paced and competitive as mine.

That was a year ago. ¬†It’s been a long and bumpy road since then. ¬†My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer this time last year, and fought through it. ¬†She’s now cancer free. ¬†My grandpa died in early January this year. ¬†And many other obstacles have presented themselves. ¬†But I’m still here now. ¬†And I haven’t harmed myself since before I was asked to take time away from school.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that things get better. ¬†When you feel like you’ve hit the bottom, it means that there’s only one way to go, and it’s up. ¬†Don’t be afraid to let people in, ask for help, and don’t ever for one second think that you’re in this alone. ¬†So many people need you in their lives. ¬†It’s true that there are times when I falter in my progress and consider the “what-ifs”, but that’s a part of human nature, to wonder. ¬†But the truth is, we won’t know, cause we aren’t here to experience it. ¬†What’s the point in trying, if you don’t even get to see the outcome? ¬†And when I do let myself slip back into old ways of thinking, I take deep breaths, put on calming music, and clear my mind of everything.

When I first came to this website as a scared 17 year old girl, I literally had no one to talk to. ¬†That’s why I turned here in the first place. ¬†Now, I’m 19 years old, I’m a full time student at the Colorado School of Mines, I work a part time job, I have a real best friend in the form of my brother, and a boyfriend who will sit with me for hours on end as I yell in frustration at my homework or bring me dinner when I get stuck closing at work just as an excuse to see me.

Things will get better, you just have to be willing to put in the work to get to where you want to be.

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PLEASE HELP

Posted by lattybugg | November 10th, 2014

I dont even know where to begin. my 17 yr old daughter needs help, and so do i..i don;t know what to do. ¬†it started about memorial weekend this year…. ¬† she’s a straight A student, by her own doing, we don;t pressure her about grades, she expects the best from herself. she plays volleyball and softball. she does not have a job. she does not have a car. she has a boyfriend. her BF is the one who told me about her injuring herself….she sent him a picture, he sent it to me. ¬†Last night he text me…she’s doing it again, although i don;t know if she ever stopped. i have not seen the injuries. he told me where the tools are…i found them this morning, i took them, but then i put them back….i don;t want her to know he is telling me, she needs to be able to trust him. she was going to a therapist..about 5 times, but forgot the last time and hasn’t rescheduled, she was going on her own. ¬†Today she told me she doesn’t like to go, all she does is talk about what happened the past week. ¬†she is on an antidepressant now, only 3 weeks….it was either anti depressant or birth control..her blood work is normal, her periods are normal, so we decided on an anti depressant plus a headache med because she’s had daily headaches (mild) since 3rd grade.

she says she is exhausted trying to pretend at school that everything is ok, that she is happy. her friends get on her nerves. she is a people pleaser, makes sure everyone else is happy..if they aren’t, it makes her sad and takes responsibility. If her volleyball teammate has a bad spike, she blames herself, she didn;t set the ball good enough. ¬†She plays sports for HER..not for me. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to play,. but she enjoys playing with her friends, but if her friends are sitting the bench, she feels guilty because she is out there playing. ¬† ¬†she does’t know why she feels the way she does..she wants it to go away. she doesn’t want her friends to know how bad she is…they drive her crazy (Im reading her texts to me from last night. ¬†she does not know I know she injures herself….her bf is the only one that knows, but her friends said they saw the injuries during volleyball, they asked her, she said she ran into the door handle. meds keep her at a mellow level she said..she doesn’t feel happy, but doesn’t feel super sad…tired all the time, and she doesn’t want to be around people, esp her friends. ¬† ¬†since volleyball is over, she comes home after school, goes into her room, and watches NETFLIX shows in the dark, laying in bed. she says she feels totally different than she used to feel, like she isn;’t the same person. she feels like she is the complete opposite of her friends. ¬†she said she tries to do what makes her happy, but it’s hard cause she wants other people to be happy. ¬†she said she is different because she is worried about everyones happiness. ¬†i asked if she is doing things just to please her friends, she said kind of. I asked if she was afraid to say no, she said kind of. ¬†she isn’t having sex yet…she promises she isn’t. and she wears a purity ring. she’s adamant about that!! ¬†I don’t know what to do. ¬†I don;t know if we should try different meds, idk if we should find a new therapist (Which is hard to schedule because she is busy with softball conditioning after school). ¬†I’m lost and I can’t stop crying.

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I am back here…needing to feel safe

Posted by LoverlyLaurie | November 9th, 2014

I have not been here for 3 years, on this site. I am struggling a lot recently and am in need of comfort. I haven’t si’d in 2 years and almost 1 month. Things are getting very stressful atm. I feel like si is all I can think about when I’m not busy, like laying down to go to sleep. Which has messed up my sleeping. At the moment and possibly for two more weeks, my left arm is in a cast, which makes it harder to type. An ed support site I visit is pretty vacant since I returned this past week and I’m in desperate need of support. I’m scared I will si again. The thoughts are more frequent lately and idk where else to turn. Thanks for reading.

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Rough day

Posted by Thoughtspiller | November 6th, 2014

Yesterday was so good!! I was on track with my food log, i was eating well, sure I snacked a bit here or there, but overall i was doing so well! And then class got cancelled, we went out to dinner, and i felt guilty. ¬†I wanted to go back to my ED ways, but I couldnt, I didnt want to put my body through that. ¬†But then I came home and i Si-ed. ¬†I hate that I did it. ¬†Its like I have to punish myself for eating out. ¬†Like im not on this crazy diet. ¬†Im just writing it down!!!! Its not like im giving myself this complex about my body! I just want to know what im eating. ¬†So then I eat dinner, and I know its not horrible, but its like I have to punish myself for making a mistake when I was hungry at a normal hour and not a crazy amount??? ¬†Will i ever really go through life without wanting or needing SI? ¬†I just have to say that I slept so well last night too. ¬†I want to get help, I want to talk to someone, but I cant tell my parents. ¬†They think i stopped so long ago. ¬†They think I stopped when I was in high school, over eight years ago. ¬†So I cant just say Hey! Guess what! Ive been si-ing regularly for the last eight years!! Surprise! ¬†Im just lost. ¬†I dont know what I want. ¬†I dont know what i need to do. ¬†Im just tired of it all. ¬†Ive thought about running away so much lately. ¬†How easy it would be to pack up my car and go. ¬†I dont even know where. ¬†I dont want to be around my best friend. ¬†Shes driving me nuts. I dont really have any other friends that are close. ¬†I have two friends who I text and I love them, I really do, but i dont know. ¬†I never have a chance to get out, go away, be….me. ¬† Im not even sure who I am anymore. ¬†I know who I WANT to be. ¬†But right now im miserable. ¬†Im not happy. ¬†I fake my way through everyday. ¬†I pretend im ok, that I have no cares in the world. ¬†But im hurting. I hurt a lot. ¬†I dont even know how to explain it. I’ll never be the person I want to be. I just…I DONT KNOW!! If i could I would scream right now. ¬†I just dunno. I really dont know.

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