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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Loss

Posted by esoper1976 | January 20th, 2017

O.k., so I found out from a friend of mine who sees my therapist that my therapist is retiring.  I’m sure she will tell me herself at our next session in a couple weeks.  I have been seeing her for probably close to six years now.  She is a large part of the reason I am doing as well as I am.  I know I will have the option of switching to another therapist at the same practice, and I will choose that option, but it will still be a HUGE loss.  I’m not sure what to do with it right now.  Also, she is retiring in April, which is pretty close to my bad time of year. (My birthday is mid-March, and Feb/March/April are bad times, mostly around my birthday, because that is when a ton of bad stuff happened to me).  I don’t want to make my therapist feel bad by turning to self harm after she leaves, so that is a good motivation not to hurt myself.  Last year, during my bad time of year, my therapist was out of the office for a few months because she broke her foot and had to have multiple surgeries.  It was REALLY hard on me, but I stayed clean because I didn’t want her to feel bad for getting injured.   It wasn’t her fault she was gone so long.

 

Right now, I would LOVE to get really sick, or injured (accidentally), and need to be hospitalized, but I know that probably won’t happen.  I will definitely not be hurting myself in the near future, which probably means I won’t be in the distant future either.  I am currently home alone because my roommate has  a thing she just started going to on Friday nights.  This is actually a good thing–she is learning she can do things without me, so maybe she will also learn I can do things without her!  But, I have to stay up until she gets home.  She doesn’t like to walk alone outside in the dark, and I told her I’d walk her in the house when she gets home.  She said she’d be home a little after eight, but now it’s almost nine.  I have to work in the morning, but she doesn’t.  I hope she gets home soon, so I can get enough sleep for work in the morning.

There are a lot of good things going on in my life right now.  I bought a house in October (super stressful, but wonderful too), and we are loving it.  (I am renting a room to my roommate).  We have so much more room than we had in our apartment. What is super nice is we have two bathrooms now–so we each get our own! YAY!  But, I also get more alone time, and private space, which means I could potentially have more access to self harm. But, I’ve been clean for a little over seven years now, so I don’t want to ruin that streak.

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Hello

Posted by helpgirl | January 17th, 2017

This is my first post. Ive found few coping methods but there are couple that have worked: helping others; coloring; reading; drawing and music

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Scared of myself

Posted by smac | January 16th, 2017

Ive never posted anything like this on public, but my name stays anonymous so im going to give it a try. I’m currently in the worst place in my head. I feel so lost and confused. I don’t know where my life is going. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I just need someone to talk. I just want someone to understand and help me. I don’t want people to think I sound bratty but I just crashed my brand new Range Rover Sport while I was under the influence of alcohol and anti-anxiety meds, im thankful im alive and didn’t get arrested but I felt that this crash has left me feeling extremely guilty. I put my life at risk, my best friend, and everyone in publics lives at risk and I feel so awful. I feel so sick and depressed in the head. I just got back to school from the worst christmas break of my life and I can not seem to put my head in the game. Guys are using me, and Im letting them use me. I’ve been left, rejected for other girls a countless amount of times, which has me to believe there is seriously something wrong with the way I look and act. I was so triggered yesterday that I relapsed and I feel that I need serious help but I’m scared to ask for it. I was in and out of rehabs for 5 years, I do not want my family to waste more time & money on making me feel happier and better. I feel that I am such a burden in their lives. I’m 21 and a pathetic loser who has never worked a day in her life. To whoever is reading this, weither it gets submitted or not.. please just help me. I just need someone to talk to and understand where I am coming from and how I’m feeling. I feel so crushed and useless.

 

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Hi its been a long time

Posted by Sabrina | December 20th, 2016

I feel like no one gets me.

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Today

Posted by blueray | November 9th, 2016

I apologize if this is not the place to talk about this, or if it offends anyone…but the outcome of this election has left me feeling so negative. While I can talk about it with others, my desire to SI and why it has come about,I can’t talk about with anyone. But I need get it out, so hopefully this is okay.

I feel like I have been victimized again. As a survivor of sexual abuse and seeing my abuser not get into any trouble and lead a normal life where everyone looks at him as if he is a great man… I can’t help but feel the same thing when I see who our next president will be. How is it okay to talk about assaulting someone and still be in an esteemed role? I feel so sick when I think about it. I feel anger and I feel so sad for my child self having to relive this same feeling again. This is not okay to me.

I am scared for my friends and those that I don’t even know that will be impacted by hate and discrimination. I have a very close fried who is gay and he is struggling to find his place now. I want to stand with him and tell him he is not alone. There are many, many people who don’t believe what this man does and that good will prevail. But it’s hard to say when I have a hard time believing that right now – hopefully soon though. I really disagree with a lot of what our two new top leaders stand for. I fear for our country’s mental health. I am scared, sad and angry. I want to SI for so many reasons. Sometimes I feel I want to SI so I can just lash out on myself rather than taking my anger out on people/things that don’t deserve it. I can’t even stand to talk or look at the people in my family who support this man and his beliefs. I need some cool down time before I can even comprehend having a conversation that does not involve me bursting into some rant.

Again, sorry if this is not the place to talk politics – but for me this goes beyond mere politics. It is affecting my mental health and I am hoping to hang on. Just like when I was younger I have to remind myself that I have the control over my actions and thoughts. I can choose to overcome and do good despite the negativity and injustice around me.

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More College and More Relapsing

Posted by Kohl | October 14th, 2016

I literally just self harmed. I’ve been working on a 6+ page essay for hours today, but I haven’t been able to focus. My new therapist thinks I have ADD on top of my anxiety disorder and depression. I’ve been clean for a few days, but I stopped being able to focus, and I couldn’t stop fidgeting, and my body reacted weirdly to my anxiety, and none of my other coping skills worked. My phone wasn’t working- I have bad service in my dorm- and I had to self harm. I don’t feel guilty, but I still feel bad about it. More than anything else, I’m just annoyed that I’ll have to wear long sleeves for a while. I’ve been horribly sick all week, and I’ve been hot then cold then hot again, and now I’ll have to stay in my sweatshirts to hide what I did. I haven’t had the motivation to ask the Wellness Center if there is a group for self harmers. I want to look into it, but I don’t want to at the same time. I’ve been getting bad again, and I don’t want to be the freak who wants to get better but just can’t. Now that I’ve self harmed I can focus more, even if it’s not on my essay that’s due tomorrow… well, later today.
I’m so tired. I’m so tired, and I’m really glad that I haven’t felt suicidal in a while, because if I was still feeling suicidal it’d feel even worse.

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Posted by barista.steph | September 12th, 2016

I haven’t written on here in quite some time now. This used to be my safe haven a long time ago. Now it’s late, I’m worried my friends are sick of hearing my struggles, and I self harmed so I don’t know where else to turn. I have these wicked anxiety and panic attacks. Today was a good day, I watched my football team win, I met up with friends, went to an AA meeting. I’m staying along at a friends house dog sitting for the next week and it was weird to be alone. It started as a tearful day as I passed a 9/11 memorial driving by the water today. A bunch of old war veterans out there flying the US flag and Proud to be an American on the country station I was listening to. Anyway all that was fine. My anxiety started when my throat felt dry and just built up over hours. I take a physical sensation and my brain blows it up. Like HUGE. I tried everything I could think of. I’m supposed to be trying temperature things via my therapist when this happens to ground myself so I put an ice pack on my face, that helped a little bit, I counted, I breathed, I prayed, I tried “acting as if…”, distracting myself, radical acceptance oh my god and nothing worked enough to stop it. I suppose they all lessened it a little bit but no enough to stop the attack. My partner gets so annoyed with me and told me tonight “don’t you know by now it’s all in your head!? It’s not real ever so why can’t you just stop freaking out!?” I got upset. He’s right, and I understand his frustration, it still hurt my feelings. I drove across town to the house I’m staying at and its dark and I’m alone and my dad didn’t answer and my sister had to go be it’s too late to call anyone and I was desperate for relief. So I self harmed, I had plenty of pause to stop and do something different but I had tried everything different I could think of and the anxiety was still raging. I immediately felt calm and comforted while and after I self harmed. I hate that I got back into this habit. After the calm came the shame and the guilt and it’s about an hour later now and I feel wide awake and scared and alone in this house. It’s like I know what I need to do, and I know I can do it because Ive done it before, but it’s so hard to stop once I’ve started and let it become an option again. I’m even more ashamed of the fact that right now I don’t even want to stop. I should probably want to, but I don’t, I want to want to stop.

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College and Relapsing

Posted by Kohl | September 6th, 2016

So, I’m now in college. Today was my first day, and I loved my classes. I’ve made two good friends and two others I see around campus. I’ve been having a blast living on campus and away from my home.
The downside is that I’ve been hurting myself every day since I’ve moved in.
I knew this was going to happen. For months during therapy I’ve lied about feeling better and feeling excited about college without telling anyone that I knew deep in my soul that as soon as I moved out of my mother’s house that I was going to start hurting myself again.
I need help. I seriously do, but I can’t go to the hospital now. I love college so much and I don’t want to leave as soon as I got here. I know that if I tell someone about what’s happened that my mom will put me in the hospital again and she won’t let me live on campus when I’m better enough to go home.
I don’t want that to happen.
I stopped myself today almost as soon as I started hurting myself. I’m seeing my mother tomorrow and I think she may see what I’ve done. I hope not. I can’t leave. I actually feel comfortable here.
I’ve thought about telling my best friend. I don’t know if I should though. I want to talk to someone about this, but I feel like I can’t. I know it’s not healthy to keep this as a secret, but it feels good. It feels right, even though I know it’s wrong.
What should I do?

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Lost…

Posted by ithurts28 | August 22nd, 2016

Hi! I don’t speak English, I mean, I do, but it’s not my native language, so y might have some mistakes…
I hurt myself since I was 17, I’m 26 now. I have an eating disorder, anorexia, and bipolar disorder, type II. I’m like a bomb and it feels like I’m about to explote…
I’ve been self injury clean for three months, but it’s too difficult, all day I’m thinking about hurting myself, my anorexia is out of control, and sometimes I think in being bulimic, because when I eat it feels terrible.
I go to therapy, but I feel that nobody understands me, it’s group therapy, my mates have eating disorders, but most of them don’t understands my bipolar disorder and my problem with self injury. I log in here to know more people in my situation…

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College and Rules

Posted by Kohl | July 10th, 2016

I’m tirelessly waiting to start college in the fall, even though I’m terrified about what might happen when I go. I’m already mentally preparing for the stress of classes and being away from home for so long, but there’s a no weapon policy for the campus.

How will I survive for a whole semester without my tool?

I’ve been reliant on my self harm for most of my life- since I was 8 or 9 years old. I’ve been on-again off-again relapsing since the end of elementary school. How can I start college without my tool being there when I need it? How can I handle daily panic attacks and crippling depressing that I’ll have to force myself to get through without my tool being there when I need to relapse?

I don’t know how I’ll be able to do it. I’ve thought about how to sneak a tool onto campus, although I know I shouldn’t.

What should I do?

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