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One of the many root issues for my SI

Posted by goldenscribe | September 29th, 2014

Besides perfectionism, besides fear of disappointing myself and all others, besides my parents and how much I can’t decide what I want to believe of what they told me: I think one of the issues lies in past sexual harassment I’ve endured, and sexuality issues thereafter.

I’m not going to go into it here, but both of the harassers were male and older than me. They were both in a position where nothing they said or did could come back to haunt them, and neither of my parents were too much into trying to heal me from it. Their rationale was if it wasn’t rape there was no need for therapy. What they don’t understand is some things my dad said early on in life, while he was quitting smoking, were out of line as well. He’s never apologized, though we’ve tried to get him to when he royally screwed up/said bad things. He denies that kind of speech, and when he does admit it, he says it’s not a bad thing to say and that it’s accurate. I think that kind of behavior is abusive at worst and out of line at best, but because he wasn’t telling anyone what to wear or anything, and he wasn’t physically abusing anyone (though he threatened to,) I don’t know if I /can/ classify it as abuse. Illness and age have mellowed him somewhat.

So, after all of that, I have to wonder whether my instant recognition of whether a girl is pretty or not, whether I’d cuddle with her or not, means I am gay. I’ve always been romantically attracted to boys, though, so I can’t be gay, right? The thought of sex is terrifying with a boy, but with a girl just yech….if either sex hugs me I don’t like it, but wish I could hug them again after (friendly way only.) But asexual is not the same thing as terrified. So anytime I notice someone it’s just like “hey, that boy has nice eyes..” no, SI, bad. “Hey, that girl is pretty.” No, SI. Bad.

So. Does anyone else struggle with this/have input? Because maybe it’s just my brain saying that girls are safer and that boys are dangerous and scary.

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One is silver and the other gold? Role of friendships/parents on behavior

Posted by goldenscribe | September 25th, 2014

I’ve had some time to think, or as much time as I have being a grad student.
I will be the first to say I know nobody is perfect. What I have to re-evaluate is whether the company I keep is holding me back, or setting a bad example for me, and whether my parents did set a bad example for me.
In some respects, my parents did it right. In others, they didn’t; all parents mess up somewhere. My mother has made it clear that she wants me to be “better than her.” It’s my firm belief though that if I do turn out the same as her career-wise, I’d be perfectly happy. I would not be as happy if I had a job like my dad. And I’m doing better than my cousins already, so why quibble? I understand part of growing up and having a positive relationship with parents is understanding that they did their best based off their beliefs and what they know, and you have to forgive them for what they messed up/didn’t know. I’m not at that point yet.
The biggest thing I’ve noticed since living on my own and such has been the company I’ve kept. There have been some who instantly get me and where I’m coming from when I say things. And some don’t get it/don’t want to get it no matter how much I explain and don’t want to let go of any preconceived notions they have of my racial background, which frustrates me to no end—-I really don’t feel like I should have to explain who we are over and over again when they keep on hanging on to stereotypes. Some are smart but don’t try and some stay stuck in their comfort zone forevermore, even if it’s not one they’re happy with. Some only come to me when they want something, some just are so stuck in their own self-destructive ways, etc. Thankfully, I do have a few friends who get me immediately on all counts, know their own
shortcomings, and strive to better themselves—-things that I’m trying to do right now, basically—because they are the people that serve as role models.
I’m just worried that I’ve got this all wrong though, that I’m being negative all the time, and that the people that I should probably just not talk to are really people that would benefit me, the feeling that I shouldn’t burn bridges, etc. Or even that I am using the word “I” too much instead of truly living a life of service.
But is it worth keeping company, near or far, with people that are not improving your own path to a better life, preferably one without SI in it? And more importantly, with people for whom the friendship is not mutually beneficial? When do both parties have to put forth the effort and when is it fair to call it quits? On a friendship, for God’s sake?

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Just a quick thank you

Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 23rd, 2014

I just wanted to stop by and check in and say thank you really. ¬†I had no intentions of writing, but now that I’m here I will.

 

Ive been ok. ¬†The thoughts are still ever consuming. ¬†I still think about SI all day. ¬†I still carry my tools around. ¬†I have not SI-ed for about two weeks now. ¬†Ive been good I guess…about as good as I’ll ever be in this stage of my life. ¬†Ive started another journey to get healthy. ¬†(see this time I didnt say lose weight I said get healthy). ¬†So hopefully this time will be better and I wont take it all out on myself. ¬†However, only time will tell really.

But my main purpose today was to say thank you to everyone here.  To everyone who reads our posts, to everyone to replies.  It honestly put a smile on my face reading responses the other week, knowing I had support from others and that I wasnt alone.  So Thank you. Every single one of you.

Have a great week everyone. Stay Strong <3

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Just so frustrated

Posted by goldenscribe | September 19th, 2014

If I could swear in all caps on this site I would, but apparently I can’t, because it’s against the rules.

And that’s exactly what’s driving me crazy. Rules. Why?

Graduate school was never meant to be easy, even in a field that is supposed to be easy……..something I’ve found out in my program thus far. What I don’t understand is why the staff for the thesis option keep on saying XYZ style is acceptable and then last minute they say the style is too old, and now they want the new style, but none of your literature lends itself to the new style. So I had to move to non-thesis option just for the sake of getting my degree on time, and keep my lit review as independent study. I checked on search engines though and there are PLENTY of articles using the old style that were published fine. So why won’t the school accept it???

But all along, administrators have been giving me problems. All my life. And I don’t know when it’s ever going to stop being “they dropped the ball but they don’t have to answer for their actions; you are the one that has to deal with it.” I’ve been getting that for the last year now, and I’m sick of it. SICK OF IT. And when I told them this, they told me to stop being rude. Yes, I was rude, and I was sorry if I’d hurt someone’s feelings. But that was then. Now, I don’t care who I hurt. I’m really angry.
And I’ve tried, TRIED so many times to do research and every time it has been thwarted by something. And I’ve been forced to drop it just so I can get a move on and move on to the next thing. Once was a lab that forced people out at the end of every semester because they didn’t have the guts to tell us they were losing money. Once I was ill, so ill I couldn’t walk. And now this. I feel like this is the world telling me that I’m just not made for a research career/too stupid to do it because I can’t plan things right or if I do something goes wrong anyway and it sets me back.

And I regret coming here, but it was either that or stay near home for this program, a place where my parents could come in every weekend and give me flack about how what I’m doing is a waste of my time and money and intelligence, and then ask me why I worry so much and that I need to stop whining. I am an adult. Why do I even bother letting them into my life???? And the horrible part is no matter what I do I would be getting the same garbage from them. It doesn’t matter the field or program. And I want to SI (why can’t I even use the words on here? another issue) but I can’t, so I can’t do that either. I am going to remain horribly critical of others and myself for the rest of my life. I don’t see any way out of this extremely frustrating life I live.

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addicted

Posted by vicki | September 15th, 2014

I have become addicted to self injury. ¬† The doctors have told me they have never seen it in someone my age,¬† or¬†with anyone with my intelligence level. I have spent over a month on a surgical unit then spent 2 weeks on a cardiac unit finally I was moved to a general medical unit for another 10 days. ¬†It was a very hard time and all because I self injured. ¬†But that incident hasn’t stopped¬†my injuring. ¬†I’ve gotten to the point that I am scared literally to death of myself. I have tried every form of therapy I have ever heard of. I have been in EMDR, CBT, ETC, TRADITIONAL PSYCHOTHERAPY, PSYCHOPHARM LOGICAL,¬† completed one DBT program and now in another DBT residential program-this is my third time in this program in 4 years. It’s not like traditional residential programs. There are mandatory groups and individual therapy, but the living arrangements are different. There is one 5 person group home, 1 building with 12¬†individual apartments and a few clients live in their own apartments-sate lite¬†(not owned by the program)¬†in the community. The clients who live in the 1 building with the 12 apartments live by themselves-no roommates allowed-but there is a staff 24 hours a day in an office on the first floor. Staff are responsible for anything to do with the¬†medication for only the clients who live in the building. This program really is my last hope. The program isn’t time limited-one client has been in it for 5 years and staff¬†haven’t even¬†started discussing¬†¬†her a discharge date. Like I said earlier PLEASE DO NOT ANYONE TRY SELF INJURY and IF YOU HAVE ALREADY TRIED IT-STOP BEFORE YOU BECOME ADDICTED LIKE ME and GET HELP, BEFORE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH¬†ANY OF WHAT I HAVE! Well message back If you comments or suggestions/recommendations. Bye for now Vicki

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feelings of guilt

Posted by blueray | September 14th, 2014

Among all the difficult emotions I have been having lately, guilt seems to be creeping in very fast. And this guilt is becoming almost obsessive and I can’t turn it off. I just think about all these past things that I did wrong. For instance, several years ago I told on someone (they were doing something against company policy) and ultimately after an investigation was done on this person they lost their job. Although I know I did not make the decision to fire them, my telling started the series of events. Yes, this person was doing something against company policy, but honestly it wasn’t anything bad. I feel so guilty about it today. I was young then and I guess if I realized the impact my words would ultimately have on this person’s life I might have made a different decision. I think I feel so guilty about it now because this person was out of a job. Now that I am searching for a job and know the pain and struggle that comes with that, I feel horrible about how I impacted this person. I do know that this person did eventually get a new job and moved on with his life, but I can’t help but think how my decision changed his life and the struggle I might have caused.

My guilt is staring to spiral. It starts off with something small with something like accidentally spilling something, to the event described above, to more deeper issues. Recently, probably due to being depressed and anxious, my thoughts go back to my childhood. I will be seeing of the of people who abused me soon. Whenever we see each other we act like nothing happened. We are nice to one another and talk about the weather or something superficial. It has been many years since the abuse, but when I am around him (and the other person who abused me) I find myself feeling so guilty. I have tried to understand where this guilt is coming from. I think I have tried to downplay the events of my childhood so that I can go into these encounters with the individuals and not feel the trauma all over again. At the same time I also feel guilty for my decision to tell when I was a child. Authorities got involved and it was a big mess (though ultimately nothing ever came about with it – nobody got in trouble, except for me). Maybe part of me believes that since no one got in trouble that what really happened was not a big deal. When I made the decision to tell then I impacted people’s lives – forever. Though no one got in trouble, those events always hang in the air and I feel guilty for causing those people pain and inconvenience – as confusing as that sounds considering what they did to me. I hate to inconvenience people, or cause others pain. I try to be a good person, but sometimes I don’t think about all the consequences of my words/actions. When the things I do negatively impact someone else I find it almost impossible to forgive myself.

This guilt gets so intense that I feel the need to punish myself over and over again. SI was always that form of self-punishment. I am trying to be more mindful and really thing about how I am feeling, why there is this need to SI and what other ways I can handle it. But sometimes the guilt just feels so intense that the automatic response is SI. I don’t want to deal with this guilt along with all the other things going on right now. Any suggestions on how to deal with guilt (and shame)?

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Neglect

Posted by lovemenow | September 9th, 2014

I grew up unaware that other kids ate as much as they wanted, got the attention they needed, and were not yelled at for asking questions. I realized just a few years ago that the childhood I experienced would of been considered neglect. My parents have since then apologized about the lack of care I experienced and have tried to make it up to me and although I don’t blame them anymore I am still uneasy about the whole thing. I find myself struggling to death with the after effects of neglect and it makes me want to relapse and si again. Has anyone had a similar childhood experience? How do I deal with it?

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needing Ideas Please

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | September 8th, 2014

I just found out that one of my friends is going through a really hard time, her sister has been diagnosed with cancer. This friend has been there for me through a tremendously difficult time in my life, and even if she hadn’t, I would feel as I am feeling right now: this desperate urge to just want to do something for her. I know that I can listen, but does anyone have any other ideas of some things I can do for her?

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Unwinding a whole bunch of bunk

Posted by goldenscribe | September 7th, 2014

I took a break a bit from schoolwork yesterday and wrote down pretty much all the incidents I remember that could have made me the way I am/influence how I interact with others.

What I do have to wonder, though, is knowing all of that……….you do have to move forward. And some people simply refuse to change or apologize, even though that change and apology is really what you as a person need for closure from them. But how is it really possible to move forward if I can’t let go of the anger, solely because that anger has been beneficial to me in more ways than it has harmed me or made me hurt myself? And some things you just have to stay angry at, because you don’t know any other way to be about them?

The obvious solution would be to kick some people out of my life, I feel. But when they’re related to you, and saw you grow, you can’t exactly do that. Also, there’s no guarantee that putting new people in your life is going to make the situation any better, and I’m someone that really does operate on guarantees and deadlines. Everyone has problems.

I don’t even know. Am I just supposed to become a hermit? Am I just supposed to accept when people screw up and forgive them all the time when it is not in my nature to do so?

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Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 5th, 2014

I just got off the phone with my dad. ¬†I feel like a horrible horrible person. ¬†For once I stood up for myself and all I want to do right now is cry. ¬†I feel like I hurt his feelings, and I plan on saying the same thing to my mom when I see her. ¬†But I don’t know if I can do it again. ¬†My parents have been fighting like none other for the last couple of months. ¬†I felt like when my dad finally found a job again they wouldn’t fight as much. ¬†Now its been a couple months of horror. ¬†Either they scream at each other, throw me in the middle and I get to listen to both sides of the fighting, or they give each other the silent treatment. ¬†2 months ago I came home from school and my dad had left. ¬†He said he wasn’t coming back. ¬†After I talked to him (at 12 a.m) for two hours he finally came home. ¬†Its just been one issue after another. ¬†Here I am, working full time, going to school full time (at two different schools at that) and trying to stay has healthy as possible with my own issues, and I have to deal with this every night I go home. ¬†Last night I worked so hard making an amazing dinner for my family for football kickoff. ¬†I didn’t get so much as a thank you from my dad who sat there and gave my mom the silent treatment. ¬†Apparently he suddenly hates my aunt now, so when shes there hes quiet. ¬†COOL. ¬†Now theres one more person I love who is on his list that he doesn’t want to talk to. ¬† So today when he called, I finally told him to fix his relationships. ¬†That I was done trying to help them. ¬†They would see less of me until they figured out what they wanted to do with their future cuz I couldnt handle the fighting/silence anymore. ¬†I mean, I’m not a child, I understand adults need to fight it out sometimes, but I still live at home, I shouldnt have to deal with their fighting on a regular basis!!! No ones happy. ¬†Both of them are miserable (I know because I get the hour long phone calls daily about one of them complaining about the other). ¬†But I’m tired of pretending to be happy in front of everyone, but going home and being miserable. ¬†I just cant do it. ¬†I dont want to hurt them, I could really sit here and cry (at work, awesome!). ¬†I don’t even know. ¬†I wish I could afford to move out, but with all my debt from school, I really CANT. ¬†I’m 25 years old with a bachelors degree and I can’t afford to live on my own. ¬†I lead a great life huh? ¬†Ive been SI-ing much more lately. ¬†I just dont want to handle anything anymore. ¬†Its just easier to let off the steam for a lot of whats going on with SI than deal with it. ¬† I cant deal with all the extra stress. ¬†Here I am in grad school, helping other people (which I’ve gotten many compliments on recently surprisingly) yet I cant keep my own life together. ¬†Im falling apart at the seams and no one sees it. ¬†No one realizes I am a MESS. ¬†All I can think of is of hurting myself, just to let off some steam. ¬†Ive been trying to do things I love like reading, but I just cant focus. ¬†I’ll go through a chapter and realize I have no idea what I just read. ¬†Like, whats happening to my mind? Why am I spacing out so much? ¬† I should probably get help. ¬†I cant keep hurting myself. ¬†But the part thats really hard is the fact that when its others (outside my family) I can keep myself separate, I can help them and not let it hurt me. And for a long long time I was able to do it with my parents and just ignore it. ¬†But when I get sucked into this mess I just cant anymore. ¬†The thoughts of giving up and running away come more often than not, but of course that isnt any option. ¬†I just dont know anymore. ¬†I still feel like a horrible person for what I told my dad, and now have to go tell my mom. ¬†Ugh, wish me luck I guess. I dont know, I should get back to work now.

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