I am so glad i found this blog site. I need support and with people that understand sort of what i go through. I am having a rough time right now… I am also bipolar so my moods are up and down. I am in therapy.
Things are just so messed up. I am having problems figuring out my identity. I am so confused.
I wish I could just isolate myself. I just need people that get it…
I am new to the group and am glad that i found this blog!
Posted by blackcloudoverme | May 24th, 2013
A mom in need.
Posted by tattsb4u | May 23rd, 2013
I have been searching for somewhere, anywhere to turn. There are no SI parent meetings in my area, if they even exist. I have talked with my daughters therapist about starting a group, to no avail. In a nut shell I am the mother of a nearly 15 year old daughter. She is 5 foot 7″ tall, 120 pounds, long brown hair, honor roll student and is a cheerleader for her high school and she has scars from SI. In November she came to me and said “mom get me help or lock me up”. I have done everything I can possibly do. Countless doctors (we do not have insurance), different meds, a 5 night hospital stay at the local mental health hospital….etc. etc. We have an amazing relationship, sometimes I think too good, because I have always been very easy on her. Her friends are always over and I have mini counseling sessions with them. They come to me for advice. I don’t know what to do now. I am getting angry. I am yelling. I am scared. I do not understand. One of the hardest things for me to grasp is the fact that she takes pictures of her injuries. She takes these photos and puts them on the internet. Her Tumblr with her face hidden. WHY??? I have had countless parents message and call me asking if she is okay. Remember….she is a cheerleader and known very well in our small town. The worst picture was from about 3 weeks ago. Last night we got into a little argument because her grades are slipping. She has about 2 weeks left of school. She told me to “shut my mouth”….which totally made me angry. We yelled back and forth about school, she got up to go to her room. Then a few minutes later the bathroom. Then 10 minutes later I receive a text from her BFF telling me she JUST injured. Her BFF sent me a photo of what she just DID because I was yelling at her about her grades???? REALLY. No. She will NOT do that to me. Injure herself because I got mad at her? I am so frustrated and I honestly just want to shake her and tell her to knock it off. I have been kind and gentle for months. I want our lives back. I do not want to worry if I get mad at her that she will harm herself. That is NOT okay! I am searching for moms to connect with. That I can just talk too and vent too. My husband doesn’t understand, my family doesn’t understand. If anyone knows of any support groups please let me know….also how do I stay calm? She’s so beautiful….she’s destroying herself and her reputation. So many of her friends SI….its like my daughter needs to be the worse out of all of them. She’s on meds, therapy, has been hospitalized, I have hidden anything she can SI with (that I can see), we spend time together, we talk, we laugh. When she closes the door to her room and she is alone, her world crumbles. I haven’t talked to her since last night. I am mad. I will not be made guilty for her SI. Please give me advice………
I promise it will get better. I know.
Posted by highupplaces | May 23rd, 2013
Today I had an anxiety attack and I broke down in front of a lot of people. I was at school and it was really embarrassing Then I got in a fight with my dad and I got another anxiety attack. It took me about 3 hours of going in and out of sobbing to finally calm down enough that my hands aren’t shaking so violently that I couldn’t write. Tomorrow I’m getting my medications changed again. I’m on mood stabilizers and I’m probably going to get antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. I really don’t want more medications because I don’t want to not be me anymore, you know? I’m just a sort of wreck right now. I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn’t do anything (SI) before Friday. (We set goals, then when I reach that goal, we make a new one.) I have kept that promise well, but it’s a struggle. I’m having a hard week. I just need to sleep I think. I haven’t been sleeping well. I have so much homework I can’t sleep yet, but my dad says I have to go to bed at ten no matter what because he knows lack of sleeps makes my mood drop. I’m currently writing slam poetry. This has been an epiphany of mine. Reciting slam poetry, for me, has the same effects as SI used to be for me (only it doesn’t involve being hurt in the process. It’s healthier.) My therapist says she has never had anyone find an exact replacement that is healthy that is actually a good alternative and works. I’m pretty sure that there are things like that for everyone out there. Little passions that can help you through the day. Yours may not be the same as mine, it could be completely different, but I know that there is something for you. It will always get better. That’s what I’m telling myself even though today was awful. It always get better.
Trust me. It always does. Just get through today. Then get through tomorrow and so on. Eventually, it won’t be “getting through” the days anymore, it will be enjoying the day. It will get better.
Why do i do this to myself…
Posted by blackcloudoverme | May 23rd, 2013
I wish sometimes why i do what i do to myself… I mean i work really hard in therapy. I do my hardest to be a great mother, and a great friend to my friends. But recently my sons father and i broke up after being together 11 years. It was hard for me but had to be done. I self injured and sometimes it just had to be done. I feel so alone sometimes. Like i could be in a crowd and be so alone. I am in a house with my parents and my son and feel alone. I love my family and i know they love me but noone understands what i go through sometimes.
A big change
Posted by Thoughtspiller | May 22nd, 2013
So I’d've been doing ok. I’ve sied since I last posted but Ive already accepted it and moved on from my mistakes. I’m trying this new thing where I only worry about right now. I don’t think of tomorrow. I try to make it through one hour, then two, then the rest of the day. It’s too hard to try to plan. It gives me too much anxiety. Granted for school work I plan ahead but as far as self care goes I guess. I got a tattooI I did the placement over a spot I usually Injure. I hope this does t make me panic. Ive had a lot of urges today but I kept looking at my tattoo and reminding myself to be strong. That I meant something without It. My family will kill me if they ever see my tattoo. I’m terrified they’ll find out. But then again I’ve sied there for years and no one knows by better sooooooo….idk. Anyway. I haven’t sied in a while and hopefully the stop helps stay a reminder to me. And it’s pretty 
((totally off topic! ))
long days are to come so I need to get to sleep. stay strong guys we can do it <3
I couldnt help it…
Posted by blackcloudoverme | May 20th, 2013
I really couldn’t help when i self injured. I didn’t do it for along time. I did really well then i did it one night and just couldn’t stop… I would do it every day for a week or so. Now my boyfriend and I of 11 years the son of my father broke up… I have so many mixed emotions… No one understands why i self injure. I feel like i am all alone in life.
I am in therapy and i feel sometimes like i let him down with me self injuring. I just worry about everyone. Its a big responsibility. I just need to know there is someone else out there that does understand and does self injure. I feel like i am the only one…
Posted by healing | May 20th, 2013
What I am experiencing right now is a lot of anxiety. I don’t know what triggered it. And trying to figure it out makes me anxious. But I have seen it attach to thoughts – I think it just uses the thoughts as an excuse. I know was very worried about money- in an irrational way- my thoughts were saying that – so stressful- I was on my way to doom – when I am headed upward, in reality. Then I am obsessing – not feeling safe. Just like a magic took over and I had no power. But I can just stay still I’m my bed. If I don’t move nothing will happen to me. I would be the one doing something bad-
So if I’m still the bad thing won’t happen. I got unstuck and them I saw it: anxiety. I’m really scared. Like I’m in two time zones because there isn’t anything scary here. I feel really little
I can’t do this
Posted by elisem | May 16th, 2013
Everything has led to this moment. My depression and self-harm has gotten to the point where I’m more than disgusted with myself. There is no one I can talk to, my own mother thinks I’m “faking” or doing it for attention. I would never fake it. I didn’t ask to be this way. I’m a disgusting person. Everything I do is wrong. I’m so sorry for everyone I have bothered, which I’m sure is a lot. I just want someone to care, I know that’s selfish, but that’s all I need. Please.
I Couldn’t Hold On Anymore
Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | May 15th, 2013
So my many weeks of battling off thoughts of SI are over. I acted out on the urge tonight after a bad day and just having enough of everything. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of feeling alone. So, I injured. I don’t think it helps that I planned out the whole thing. By mid-morning, I knew I was going to injure myself tonight. I knew I couldn’t go one more day without it. I actually thought, as the time approached, that maybe I could hold out and not injure after all. But then I got all stressed out about some possible money problem that I was not expecting, so I was just done. Normally, I would have been able to handle that okay, but not tonight. Not the way everything in my life has been going lately. I had a bad experience several months ago that seems to have caused much of my life to make a lot more sense. Why I’ve always been so anxious all of the time. I always wondered why I became so anxious at age twelve. I could never figure it out. My family is full of anxious people, so nobody thought that this was a huge problem for me. However, I recently remembered a traumatic event that happened to me when I was twelve, and after this event, my anxiety spiraled out of control. My parents paid no attention to my anxieties, but instead, my mom spoke to me in this annoyed tone on a number of occasions, and my dad laughed once, as if to them, I was overreacting. So, I began to do whatever I could to protect myself. I repressed the event itself, never understanding why I was so afraid of people looking in at me through uncovered windows. Then, I remembered the event itself here recently while visiting my parents and now everything makes sense to me. Why I’ve always been so afraid of people seeing me through uncovered windows and why my anxiety got so bad after that. It’s not even the peeping tom experience itself that bothers me so much. The situation itself was handled properly, which I am grateful for. It’s the fact that nobody listened to what I was needing from them in order to feel safe after the event itself that I am dealing with now. Remembering this has reminded me just how terrible I must have been to deserve not being heard, and that I was nothing but a bother. So, now that I’ve been reminded of those things, it’s no wonder that I have struggled so much with self-hatred and the fear of bothering others even more so than normal, and why my SI triggers have been so bad.
Fall Where They May
Posted by Xfm.soundsX | May 15th, 2013
I always believed in ‘To Move On Is To Grow’. That being said, since the beginning of this year I haven’t done a whole lot of moving on. I’ve had some really good experiences this year, But I have been extremely lonely and sad due to all of the changes in my life. I now know how a squirrel must feel when the see a car coming. Because out of No Where my life seems to have taken a turn. For the better? I’m not sure. There would have been a time where I would have undoubtedly said yes, but I am not a fan of letting people back into my life who I feel have hurt me so badly that I can’t get passed it. I haven’t had any luck letting my Once best friend back, I still don’t trust her at all. And as Far as the Once (and to be perfectly honest) Current Love Of My Life? Pretty much the same issue. On one hand Its practically been the only thing I severely wanted since this year started. On the other hand I feel like going backward in any way is a mistake. Its unfortunately undoubtedly that I am a different person with him. Somehow I think that he makes me better. I can’t really explain it but….I don’t know. I can see a difference in myself for the first time in years. Unfortunately I think sometimes that exploring life alone and letting the pieces of myself fall where they may might be a “safer” choice than just following my heart again.
