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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

I Hope This Encourages

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | October 19th, 2014

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but: not harming myself is starting to become a good thing. I won’t lie in saying that: I want to do it. Every single day, and I have considered getting more stuff (if I did that, I would so tell my accountability team, by the way), and just going back to it altogether, because, well, it is easier. Even if it is totally unhealthy and can potentially kill me. Yet at the same time, it feels great being able to: actually cry (because I can’t stop myself anymore), and express my opinions, thoughts, and feelings just like everyone else can. Does it make me want to self-harm when I express myself? Sure, because I am still so afraid that people will get very angry with me for thinking differently than them or expressing my feelings so openly. Yet I realize that if I’m not being rude in any way, then why is it so bad? If people have a problem with it, then that is on them and not me. There is something freeing about that.

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turns out, I’m my worst enemy…

Posted by dreamer | October 13th, 2014

I started SI because I figured it was a sort of punishment for myself. I stopped for a while, but began again not long after. I feel like I don’t know who I am and it frustrates me more than ever. Now, its getting worse and I can no longer hide. Please help…..

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what do i do

Posted by Nobodycare | October 13th, 2014

I used to frequent this website.I had a lot of issues with self harm.I was doing okay but I presently started again.I don’t know what to do I need to know how to handle a situation I don’t want to deal with a friend and he has me so stressed out that I started self harming more then just the ways I was before and I don’t know what to do.I have to move in with him in less then ten days and I’m freakingng out.what do I do?

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Posted by josi | October 11th, 2014

Hi all, I found this site through a book I read and figured I would give it a shot as nothing else has worked. I have been SI on and off since 5th grade and have found it becomeing more frequent. I joined this site a coouple days ago and the resources here have helped tremendously for me. I have been clean since I joined and have coped better with the resources avaibial to me.

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Lack Of Touch

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | October 2nd, 2014

Ever since my roommate has started dating, I have struggled deeply with something. I am a very touch-loving person. I can hug just about anyone, unless the person is an absolute creep, of course. Well, when my roommate has a bad day, she can just go and “snuggle up” to her boyfriend, as she puts it. If I have a bad day, I have to just deal with it. Let’s face it: snuggling up to a male you aren’t dating is strange, uncomfortable, and inappropriate, and I’m not a lesbian, so females are entirely out. Does anyone have any ideas out there whatsoever how I can deal with this problem so that I don’t feel like I am suffering from a lack of touch? Because I feel like I could just be held for hours and hours, but don’t know how to deal with that.

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Seeking Treatment

Posted by SIman | September 30th, 2014

I am 29 years old, and seeking treatment for my SI issues.  When I become angry, I start hurting myself.  I am not currently a patient, but I have been trying to get in touch with S.A.F.E to schedule a screening, so far unsuccessfully.  Is it normal for it to take so long for them to get back to someone?

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What do you do if you need it?

Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 30th, 2014

Here I am, almost two years into grad school and I may not pass my benchmark class. I am freaking out.  I was so confident.  I thought I knew it all.  Of the 9 people, three of us didn’t get a passing mark.  So I have to redo the paper.  Which is amazing since they usually don’t do a redo in this specific course.  So I am truly grateful that I get this redo with three of my classmates.  I don’t understand how this is happening.  I have NEVER gotten less than an A on my writing throughout my whole program.  Now this stupid TEACHER is saying my writing isn’t enough.  That I’m missing the mark?? Yeah I agree, that I missed a point.  I get that I messed up.  Now? Now im in class doing one more assignment until I redo this one so im not even sure if I get to stay with this group I started with.  I cant lose my group.  But I have to remember that I cant stay in something because of a group.  I keep wondering if I will want to keep going.  I keep saying Ill drop out.  I just don’t get it.  I don’t even want to do this anymore.  but this is really what I love. Its what Im good at doing.  So I cant quit.  But driving to school I was having a panic attack.  I was freaking out on my way here. I could barely breathe. I was trying so hard not to cry and to focus on staying safe and driving even.  I get to school and I couldn’t focus.  I couldn’t sit there for an hour and watch this video and take the right amount of notes without freaking out.  So I SI-ed.  I’m still not sure how I feel about it.  I focused through the video though.  However, Now….I don’t know how I feel.  I keep eating in class.  I need to stop.  I need to stop doing this and not freak out.  I just cant… I don’t know. I need to go back to class and focus.


One of the many root issues for my SI

Posted by goldenscribe | September 29th, 2014

Besides perfectionism, besides fear of disappointing myself and all others, besides my parents and how much I can’t decide what I want to believe of what they told me: I think one of the issues lies in past sexual harassment I’ve endured, and sexuality issues thereafter.

I’m not going to go into it here, but both of the harassers were male and older than me. They were both in a position where nothing they said or did could come back to haunt them, and neither of my parents were too much into trying to heal me from it. Their rationale was if it wasn’t rape there was no need for therapy. What they don’t understand is some things my dad said early on in life, while he was quitting smoking, were out of line as well. He’s never apologized, though we’ve tried to get him to when he royally screwed up/said bad things. He denies that kind of speech, and when he does admit it, he says it’s not a bad thing to say and that it’s accurate. I think that kind of behavior is abusive at worst and out of line at best, but because he wasn’t telling anyone what to wear or anything, and he wasn’t physically abusing anyone (though he threatened to,) I don’t know if I /can/ classify it as abuse. Illness and age have mellowed him somewhat.

So, after all of that, I have to wonder whether my instant recognition of whether a girl is pretty or not, whether I’d cuddle with her or not, means I am gay. I’ve always been romantically attracted to boys, though, so I can’t be gay, right? The thought of sex is terrifying with a boy, but with a girl just yech….if either sex hugs me I don’t like it, but wish I could hug them again after (friendly way only.) But asexual is not the same thing as terrified. So anytime I notice someone it’s just like “hey, that boy has nice eyes..” no, SI, bad. “Hey, that girl is pretty.” No, SI. Bad.

So. Does anyone else struggle with this/have input? Because maybe it’s just my brain saying that girls are safer and that boys are dangerous and scary.

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One is silver and the other gold? Role of friendships/parents on behavior

Posted by goldenscribe | September 25th, 2014

I’ve had some time to think, or as much time as I have being a grad student.
I will be the first to say I know nobody is perfect. What I have to re-evaluate is whether the company I keep is holding me back, or setting a bad example for me, and whether my parents did set a bad example for me.
In some respects, my parents did it right. In others, they didn’t; all parents mess up somewhere. My mother has made it clear that she wants me to be “better than her.” It’s my firm belief though that if I do turn out the same as her career-wise, I’d be perfectly happy. I would not be as happy if I had a job like my dad. And I’m doing better than my cousins already, so why quibble? I understand part of growing up and having a positive relationship with parents is understanding that they did their best based off their beliefs and what they know, and you have to forgive them for what they messed up/didn’t know. I’m not at that point yet.
The biggest thing I’ve noticed since living on my own and such has been the company I’ve kept. There have been some who instantly get me and where I’m coming from when I say things. And some don’t get it/don’t want to get it no matter how much I explain and don’t want to let go of any preconceived notions they have of my racial background, which frustrates me to no end—-I really don’t feel like I should have to explain who we are over and over again when they keep on hanging on to stereotypes. Some are smart but don’t try and some stay stuck in their comfort zone forevermore, even if it’s not one they’re happy with. Some only come to me when they want something, some just are so stuck in their own self-destructive ways, etc. Thankfully, I do have a few friends who get me immediately on all counts, know their own
shortcomings, and strive to better themselves—-things that I’m trying to do right now, basically—because they are the people that serve as role models.
I’m just worried that I’ve got this all wrong though, that I’m being negative all the time, and that the people that I should probably just not talk to are really people that would benefit me, the feeling that I shouldn’t burn bridges, etc. Or even that I am using the word “I” too much instead of truly living a life of service.
But is it worth keeping company, near or far, with people that are not improving your own path to a better life, preferably one without SI in it? And more importantly, with people for whom the friendship is not mutually beneficial? When do both parties have to put forth the effort and when is it fair to call it quits? On a friendship, for God’s sake?

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Just a quick thank you

Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 23rd, 2014

I just wanted to stop by and check in and say thank you really.  I had no intentions of writing, but now that I’m here I will.


Ive been ok.  The thoughts are still ever consuming.  I still think about SI all day.  I still carry my tools around.  I have not SI-ed for about two weeks now.  Ive been good I guess…about as good as I’ll ever be in this stage of my life.  Ive started another journey to get healthy.  (see this time I didnt say lose weight I said get healthy).  So hopefully this time will be better and I wont take it all out on myself.  However, only time will tell really.

But my main purpose today was to say thank you to everyone here.  To everyone who reads our posts, to everyone to replies.  It honestly put a smile on my face reading responses the other week, knowing I had support from others and that I wasnt alone.  So Thank you. Every single one of you.

Have a great week everyone. Stay Strong <3

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