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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

How to be vulnerable

Posted by lookingforpeace | July 3rd, 2015

I want to hurt. I want this to stop. I want to finally figure out the reason I continue to get these urges that drive me to a place of self – harm. How does one allow their self to be vulnerable without falling apart?

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The Oxymoron: Being Vulnerable.

Posted by lookingforpeace | June 30th, 2015

My therapist and I are working on trying to identify what are the motivating factors that drive my self – injurious behaviors. Reading through some of the material that she has provided has been difficult. The list of possible motivations for self – injury are just enough to rekindle the urge to harm. There are some forms of self – injury that I engage in but would have never thought to be self – injury. I continue to struggle with this internal battle over will I harm or not. I want to just cover my head with my blankets and sleep until it’s over. It’s almost like I need to feel the constant pain to remind me that I’m still here, this is real, and that I am still alive.

I want to be vulnerable and just say out loud to my therapist the things I’m thinking. I want to be vulnerable, but I am so afraid that if I allow myself to do so, I am going to fall into a pit and unintentionally, or even intentionally, crumble into unrepairable pieces. And the thing that makes this an oxymoron: I want to be that vulnerable, to let all of the heavy weight go, and trust that someone will hold me up when I am no longer able to. I want to be able to cry tears of release instead of only the tears of pain that I have come to know so well.

All while battling this urge to keep from harming, I battle with trying to keep the marks covered and hidden not just from my co-workers or therapist, but also from my husband who only is aware of one of the ways I use self – injury. I went too the last few times. Left more to cover than I intended. I just want it to stop. When does it stop? I started over 10 years ago. When will it stop?

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Can’t seem to get control……

Posted by timetostop2015 | June 16th, 2015

I am a 47 year old woman and only began S.I. a year ago. Unfortunately it has progressed to something I am losing control of. It started with a few injuries and has gotten much worse.

I started to heal the immense pain I felt in my heart, I am now afraid it has become a monster I can not control. The need to SI constantly simmers and my mind is always searching for a new way. I understand we are not to explain what we have done but this last episode has made me afraid to be alone by myself.

I am all alone in this as the group counseling nor my family has any clue what I am going through and always tells me, “just don’t do it”. Easier said than done. I am lost, my injuries hurts and my mind is spinning… is there any peace from this path I am on?

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Struggling

Posted by jrscfsr | June 1st, 2015

First time user. I have been struggling for a while, especially the last year or so.

26 year old single mom that still lives at home with my parents, brother, sister, and my daughter. have a job but not a career been looking but can’t find anything.

Im epileptic so on meds for that for about the last 10 years have been on and off having ok times. I am on meds for depression but don’t believe they are doing anything. have been on and off birth control for years. About two years ago finally made a change and started doing really well. Broke up with my daughters father, made changes to better myself and make me happy got braces that i really wanted decided to start working out eating better. Overall changing my life to be the example i wanted to set for my daughter.

This last year I started birth control again and thats when i really noticed a lot of my changes. Eating worst, gaining weight back, no interest in anything, wanting to be around other people yet at the same time not wanting to leave my house let alone my room. stopped working out, sleeping all the time. along with not giving a care in the world noticed that in the last year I’ve more than doubled the number of people i have slept with. Ive never been in what i would consider to be a real relationship where seems the other person actually wanted to be around me always felt like i was begging them for attention. So i have been looking for some kind of attention in all the wrong ways. I have always been the odd wheel, wanted nothing more than be in a relationship that i feel loved and wanted. I see everyone around me in happy relationships, getting married, starting families. (i know that i need to love myself before anyone else loves me but still doesnt make me want it any less. just don’t feel that i deserve anything from anyone and i want someone to prove to myself that i am worth loving)

I have no one i can talk to everyone that knows how sad and depressed i am doesn’t want to hear it anymore. Their response just seems to be should go talk to someone (which is something i already know). All is easier said than done. When i was diagnosed with my epilepsy felt that i was always teased about it by my family (mom, dad, sister, and brother) which leads me not to want to admit that i have another thing wrong with me when i still live with them makes it hard, don’t think i can take their ridicule. Plus I’m still on my dads health insurance so don’t want to have that show on there that I’m seeing anyone don’t have the money to pay for it off insurance.

Having my daughter is the only thing that keeps me going, without out her i don’t know where i would be.

Overall, im so depressed and in know the moves i need to make just don’t know how to with my budget and lack of support. if you actually read this appreciate it just needed a way to vent.

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Struggling

Posted by LMM6785 | June 1st, 2015

I just got home from a very long hospital stay due to SI. I have really been struggling. I have been home for 4 days and am doing well, but having strong impulses. I am using my logs from SAFE, and some of my alternatives, but am scared to fall back into my old ways.

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I just need to get this out.

Posted by cmz91 | June 1st, 2015

It’s been years since I have been on, but I need to get this out. I apologize in advance for it being so long. I know I don’t really know anyone on here but I need to let someone know.

It has been about a year and a half since I last gave in to the urges. They have not gone away but I have stopped letting them win. Today it is really hard to fight them. I just want to let them win this time. I want to give in so badly but I feel like I have no right. It would be a waste of the last year and a half, right?

I have been through so much garbage in my life. Nothing recently, but I can’t let go of the past. I try and I try and I try so hard. I keep the hurt inside, my husband doesn’t know how much I still hurt from the past. It’s not his fault, in fact he is the reason that all the bad stuff stopped so long ago. It was SO long ago but I wake up sometimes (like this morning) feeling like it was just last night. I don’t know what to do. Today the urge is so strong…I feel like I can’t breathe. I am home alone which I know is not good, but my husband is at work and my son is staying with my brother today.

The one person I want to talk to right now is my older sister, but I don’t know how. See, she is fighting the same urges everyday, for sooo much longer than I have. She is two weeks away from making it a year without giving in, and I don’t want to mess that up for her by bringing my fight to her. Everyone thinks that my urges have gone away, but the never have. EVER. I don’t think they ever will.
The problem I have today is caused by a stupid dream last night, and the night before, and all the nights for the last few months. I had done so well at trying not to remember what I went through, not thinking about the man that caused me so much pain and fear. I let myself be taken advantage of for 7 months because I didn’t talk to anyone. I explained briefly in my post from 3 years ago, but I keep feeling the need to let it out again, to make someone hear my side. So you can skip the next paragraph if you want, it’s purely for my benefit.

I was 19, getting ready to go to college, I was living with my best friend and her parents. She had already left the night it happened. She went to school 4 hours away and hers started a week before mine. I was going to school only 50 minutes away, and planned on coming home every weekend to work. The first night it happened was two nights before I was leaving for school. I was talking to the man who was like a father to me, and since things happened that caused a falling out between me and my dad, he was the only one I felt I really had at the time. I was having a serious discussion with him because I was realizing that I was having feelings for other girls. He sat and listened and I thought it was a good talk with “my dad.” Turns out I was very very wrong. He tells me that I probably feel this way because I hadn’t had a “good boyfriend,” one who “treated me right.” He tells me to follow him, I thought he was going to show me something that would help me with what I was going through. He takes me to the back porch and starts kissing me rather forcefully. I pulled back and said “your wife is upstairs.” I thought that would be enough to make him stop, but he just said “she’s asleep she won’t come down.” I got scared then, the most scared I have ever been. I didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t know how to make it stop. All the things going through my mind like: “He’s bigger than me, I can’t push him off,” “What if his wife, the one who I consider a mom, comes downstairs?” “What if my best friend finds out?” “What if I yell?” “What is happening?” “How do I make it stop?” I kept trying to figure out how to make him stop kissing me and it didn’t work. He finally stopped on his own and I continued to protest and he kept telling me “it’s okay I’ll show you how a man is supposed to treat you.” And he went on about how he had seen me get out of the shower one day through a crack in the curtain from outside and has “wanted” me ever since that day. He took my hand and had me follow him outside to his camper where he molested me. I don’t know how long it was before he finally stopped, I just tried not to think about anything. I was crying the whole time. When he did stop, and he saw me crying he started apologizing. Saying “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done any of that. That was wrong. I won’t ever do it again.” and he took me into a hug and I believed what he said was true. That it was a mistake and it wouldn’t happen again. I went and cried myself to sleep that night with so many emotions going through my head. I injured that night. The next night, I was watching t.v. before I went to bed. His wife was almost always in bed before me and this was a normal night. He came home from work and sat down on the couch next to me like would happen often and we would finish the show and each go to our beds. This was not a normal night. This night he reached over and started touching me. He wouldn’t stop, I kept telling him I didn’t want to do this and he kept saying, “I won’t do this if you don’t want to” I said I didn’t want to but he kept on, it seemed like forever, and then he started taking clothes off. I finally realized that it wasn’t going to stop so then I thought to myself “I’ll just let him have it and get it over with.” He got what he wanted and the same thing happened again, I was crying through it all and he apologized, promising it wouldn’t happen again, and again I believed him. After all he was like my dad, right? Wrong. Similar scenarios happened every weekend for almost the whole school year. I started just going to bed when his wife went to bed, hoping that he wouldn’t risk anything with her in the next room instead of upstairs. I was wrong, again. Then she started working late every Friday night, so I didn’t have any thoughts of “maybe he won’t this time.” I started dating a guy in the middle of this, but the whole time I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because I would lose my best friend and her mom, who had become like my own. I started spending as much time with my boyfriend as I could to deter this man from trying it anymore. I went down to only working every 2 weekends so that I wouldn’t have to come home every weekend. It seemed to only make him more hungry. In the meantime my boyfriend and I broke up, and circumstances lead me back to a guy who I had dated off and on for years but we had always stayed close. One weekend I got a text from a friend who asked if I was on Facebook right then, I said “No, I’m at work.” She told me that someone was on my Facebook then, and was being really creepy. She said they were telling her about how I wanted to sleep with my best friends dad, how I saw him in the shower, and all kinds of nasty details. I knew then that he had gotten on my computer somehow. He denied it for a long time. Finally he admitted that it was him. He had talked like this to about 20 of my friends. My roommates, classmates, etc. I finally decided that I was going to go and talk to his wife and tell her what has been happening because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was to the point where I would rather die than go back to that man’s house (and I thought about the death option a lot). He got to her first though. He made her believe that it was all my idea, that I came onto him, that I seduced him. She believed it. When I got the call from her my whole world shattered. Not long after I got a message from my best friend. Again, my life, my heart, my world, it all shattered. I felt like I had nothing. I was not planning on coming home. Or going anywhere ever again. I was going to end it, all of it. My roommates saved my life. They never left me by myself. The made me talk to my boyfriend. He said to come and stay with him. So I did. He had me meet with my parents, who welcomed me back into their lives with open arms after hearing my story. They weren’t mad. They love me. Really love me. That’s when I realized that I loved this boy that I had dated off and on for years. He is now my husband, the father of my beautiful son. It sounds like a wonderful ending to a bad nightmare. But it’s not.

The nightmare goes on. I had gotten over it for so long, but for some reason I keep having these horrible dreams, and he is there. Always there. I keep dreaming he gets a job where I work, so I have to see him everyday. I keep having dreams where the only thing I know, is that he is there in my life somehow and I have an overwhelming feeling that I have to protect my son from him. I keep having dreams, that seem REALLY good until I wake up and realize that it was actually a nightmare, because I didn’t really have the chance to explain my side to my best friend. She didn’t really believe me over her dad. I really did lose her forever. I wake up feeling good until I realized that it was all a dream. This morning I woke up from a night that had parts of all of my nightmares. And being alone doesn’t help anything. I don’t know what to do right now. How do I make these dreams stop? How do I stop letting him have so much control over my life, my emotions, my health? Please, I need some advice?

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Frustrated and Stumped

Posted by lookingforpeace | May 30th, 2015

I began injuring myself when I was about 13 years old and continued to for another 7 – 8 years. It was a struggle to stop, but was so easy to keep self – injuring when no one knew about it for the first 4 years. It was a friend. A friend that was always going to be there to comfort me when on one else was. When I started to let a very small few know about this friend, I only felt shame that I had to hide this vice. However, even through the shame, injuring was still there to help abate the feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, shame, frustration, restlessness, and loneliness. It was there to help me sleep on restless nights spent turning over wrinkled sheets and was there when I had no one to talk to, even though everyone could talk to me.

When I was finally able to stop one form of injuring, another took it’s place for 6 years. I started injuring again three months ago as a 26 – year old woman who is a successful behavioral analytic therapist. I struggle with the fact that I am still dealing with SI as an adult – a behavior that is common among teens and little talked about as something that adults deal with. My husband knows that I have started injuring again, but has not been very supportive. He has told me that he thinks my therapist has caused me to start SI again and is making me “worse”. I am unable to talk to him about the SI, nor anyone else except for my therapist, who I think is as stumped as I am about why I am hurting myself and what the triggers are. The last time I used SI, I was sitting on the couch looking up information on zip – lining with the news on as background noise when I suddenly was overcome with the urge to injure. As the next 30 minutes progressed, it only became stronger, but for no apparent reason.

It is questions like this that frustrate me. Questions like, why, after all these years, have I returned to hurting myself in such a way that is more difficult to hide. Why is my husband so angry when I try to bring up topics about how I am hurting myself, about how depressed I was and still sometimes get, and angry that I am seeing a therapist when he once was learning how to be one.

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Distractions

Posted by butterflychick | May 28th, 2015

It’s not like I have cravings anymore… so I’m more just creating a message to express myself. To distract myself from feeling the pain that can lead to the horrible feelings of loneliness.

I just want to keep talking to my ex. My ex in which¬† I loved and fell in love with and for all I know, I still love. I haven’t thought about it, I just want to talk to him. I think I’m past the the anger stage, and just to the missing page. We are talking right now, through Facebook. But it gets harder to wait to respond, and I just don’t know anymore. He gave me a message earlier today saying that he has listened to music to help “get through the breakup”. I can’t even talk about the breakup, I still feel empty and alone then. I know it’s better, but I still can’t help it.

So here’s my message to him, the one that he will never receive because I cannot make the next step.

“We’re talking again, if you count Facebook only and me not responding to text messages talking. I still am trying to protect myself. Considering you broke up with me out of nowhere, you should accept that. But when we are talking right now, I just try to get through one conversation after another. I want to tell you more about my life, but I just get stopped. I can’t tell you anything, not without breaking my heart again. But you don’t ask me things like you used to, not the deep things. Not the things that really matter. But I miss that, and I don’t think I can ever find that feeling again. I was so used to it and now I am single. Thanks to you. I’m so sorry about everything, but I don’t know anymore. I wait for you, hoping that you will call or give me some flowers. I just feel like you gave up, and didn’t fight for me anymore. That’s all I ever wanted, was for you to fight. But you gave up, when you told me you would always fight… that hurts, I thought I was worth it. But I guess you didn’t think so… I miss you, but I don’t know if I love you anymore. I love you.”

I miss you…

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Please help

Posted by Starlercat | May 27th, 2015

I have a friend (12 years old; call her for the purpose of this Cassie) who is self harming. She comes to school everyday with a new bandage. She has told her dad, my friend (we’ll call her Gretchen), and me. Nobody at school seems to notice but me and Gretchen. When they do notice, she says she fell ice skating or some other excuse. It has gotten pretty serious, she is missing 5 periods of school to injure. She wants to stop but hasn’t. Her dad is in denial. Any advice?

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I’m so confused

Posted by hopeful2bhappy | May 15th, 2015

I wish I could understand why or who or even when it all got so out of sorts. I thought things were okay and now I’m exhausted from every thought and feeling. My friends pushed and pushed asking what was wrong this morning and now they’re pretending to care. I know I can handle many things, but I’m tired of hiding and lying to me and everyone else. I wish I knew how to ask, I’m40 something and people think that I should just suck it up and move on, but they don’t understand that even I don’t know why I do this.

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