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This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Lack of Motivation

Posted by Kellin | October 27th, 2014

I’ve never been motivated in my life, except for a few times. My lack of motivation has gotten worse. I can’t focus during classes, and the only thing that keeps my focus for more than a few minutes is my journal and other triggering things. I’ve tried not using it, but then I just use my other notebooks for school for letting out the creepy, depressing, and suicidal thoughts out on paper and not out on me. I’ve been trying to stop hurting myself, again, but it’s still not working. Part of me knows that it’s bad, but part of me enjoys it. I know that that sounds horrible, but I do to some extent. Part of me also thinks that I deserve it because I don’t deserve to be loved, and part of me knows that it ground me during anxiety attacks and it keeps me from having anxiety attacks. It’s a coping mechanism, and I don’t like it.

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Religious Experience

Posted by Kellin | October 27th, 2014

Recently, my friend and I were talking on the floor of my haunted bathroom about my self harm problem, which has been going on for years. While we were talking, her voice changed, she stared me right in the eyes, and she started talking about “my son, your troubles” and things like that. Aferwards her head hurt and she was yabbering about angels and such. This is the same friend who is psychic and into magic and all this good stuff. My extremely faithful side tells me that she’s not lying about the whole angel-y hoodoo, but my skeptic side who has been tricked by everyone that I’ve ever loved is telling me that she’s playing with my faith, even though she’s just as religious as I am. I don’t know what to think, but what I do know is that for about a day, the experience helped me, and after that, the only thing that has been happening is more guilt then before and the thought that I’m disappointing God even more so than before.

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I Hope This Encourages

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | October 19th, 2014

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but: not harming myself is starting to become a good thing. I won’t lie in saying that: I want to do it. Every single day, and I have considered getting more stuff (if I did that, I would so tell my accountability team, by the way), and just going back to it altogether, because, well, it is easier. Even if it is totally unhealthy and can potentially kill me. Yet at the same time, it feels great being able to: actually cry (because I can’t stop myself anymore), and express my opinions, thoughts, and feelings just like everyone else can. Does it make me want to self-harm when I express myself? Sure, because I am still so afraid that people will get very angry with me for thinking differently than them or expressing my feelings so openly. Yet I realize that if I’m not being rude in any way, then why is it so bad? If people have a problem with it, then that is on them and not me. There is something freeing about that.

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turns out, I’m my worst enemy…

Posted by dreamer | October 13th, 2014

I started SI because I figured it was a sort of punishment for myself. I stopped for a while, but began again not long after. I feel like I don’t know who I am and it frustrates me more than ever. Now, its getting worse and I can no longer hide. Please help…..

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what do i do

Posted by Nobodycare | October 13th, 2014

I used to frequent this website.I had a lot of issues with self harm.I was doing okay but I presently started again.I don’t know what to do I need to know how to handle a situation I don’t want to deal with a friend and he has me so stressed out that I started self harming again.in more then just the ways I was before and I don’t know what to do.I have to move in with him in less then ten days and I’m freakingng out.what do I do?

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Hey

Posted by josi | October 11th, 2014

Hi all, I found this site through a book I read and figured I would give it a shot as nothing else has worked. I have been SI on and off since 5th grade and have found it becomeing more frequent. I joined this site a coouple days ago and the resources here have helped tremendously for me. I have been clean since I joined and have coped better with the resources avaibial to me.

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Lack Of Touch

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | October 2nd, 2014

Ever since my roommate has started dating, I have struggled deeply with something. I am a very touch-loving person. I can hug just about anyone, unless the person is an absolute creep, of course. Well, when my roommate has a bad day, she can just go and “snuggle up” to her boyfriend, as she puts it. If I have a bad day, I have to just deal with it. Let’s face it: snuggling up to a male you aren’t dating is strange, uncomfortable, and inappropriate, and I’m not a lesbian, so females are entirely out. Does anyone have any ideas out there whatsoever how I can deal with this problem so that I don’t feel like I am suffering from a lack of touch? Because I feel like I could just be held for hours and hours, but don’t know how to deal with that.

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Seeking Treatment

Posted by SIman | September 30th, 2014

I am 29 years old, and seeking treatment for my SI issues.  When I become angry, I start hurting myself.  I am not currently a patient, but I have been trying to get in touch with S.A.F.E to schedule a screening, so far unsuccessfully.  Is it normal for it to take so long for them to get back to someone?

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What do you do if you need it?

Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 30th, 2014

Here I am, almost two years into grad school and I may not pass my benchmark class. I am freaking out.  I was so confident.  I thought I knew it all.  Of the 9 people, three of us didn’t get a passing mark.  So I have to redo the paper.  Which is amazing since they usually don’t do a redo in this specific course.  So I am truly grateful that I get this redo with three of my classmates.  I don’t understand how this is happening.  I have NEVER gotten less than an A on my writing throughout my whole program.  Now this stupid TEACHER is saying my writing isn’t enough.  That I’m missing the mark?? Yeah I agree, that I missed a point.  I get that I messed up.  Now? Now im in class doing one more assignment until I redo this one so im not even sure if I get to stay with this group I started with.  I cant lose my group.  But I have to remember that I cant stay in something because of a group.  I keep wondering if I will want to keep going.  I keep saying Ill drop out.  I just don’t get it.  I don’t even want to do this anymore.  but this is really what I love. Its what Im good at doing.  So I cant quit.  But driving to school I was having a panic attack.  I was freaking out on my way here. I could barely breathe. I was trying so hard not to cry and to focus on staying safe and driving even.  I get to school and I couldn’t focus.  I couldn’t sit there for an hour and watch this video and take the right amount of notes without freaking out.  So I SI-ed.  I’m still not sure how I feel about it.  I focused through the video though.  However, Now….I don’t know how I feel.  I keep eating in class.  I need to stop.  I need to stop doing this and not freak out.  I just cant… I don’t know. I need to go back to class and focus.

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One of the many root issues for my SI

Posted by goldenscribe | September 29th, 2014

Besides perfectionism, besides fear of disappointing myself and all others, besides my parents and how much I can’t decide what I want to believe of what they told me: I think one of the issues lies in past sexual harassment I’ve endured, and sexuality issues thereafter.

I’m not going to go into it here, but both of the harassers were male and older than me. They were both in a position where nothing they said or did could come back to haunt them, and neither of my parents were too much into trying to heal me from it. Their rationale was if it wasn’t rape there was no need for therapy. What they don’t understand is some things my dad said early on in life, while he was quitting smoking, were out of line as well. He’s never apologized, though we’ve tried to get him to when he royally screwed up/said bad things. He denies that kind of speech, and when he does admit it, he says it’s not a bad thing to say and that it’s accurate. I think that kind of behavior is abusive at worst and out of line at best, but because he wasn’t telling anyone what to wear or anything, and he wasn’t physically abusing anyone (though he threatened to,) I don’t know if I /can/ classify it as abuse. Illness and age have mellowed him somewhat.

So, after all of that, I have to wonder whether my instant recognition of whether a girl is pretty or not, whether I’d cuddle with her or not, means I am gay. I’ve always been romantically attracted to boys, though, so I can’t be gay, right? The thought of sex is terrifying with a boy, but with a girl just yech….if either sex hugs me I don’t like it, but wish I could hug them again after (friendly way only.) But asexual is not the same thing as terrified. So anytime I notice someone it’s just like “hey, that boy has nice eyes..” no, SI, bad. “Hey, that girl is pretty.” No, SI. Bad.

So. Does anyone else struggle with this/have input? Because maybe it’s just my brain saying that girls are safer and that boys are dangerous and scary.

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