i am 15 and i have been dealing with my PROBLEM for 3 years . i just recently told my mom about it . She of course freaked. She told me that i could talk to her about it. I know i cant she doesnt know what im going through. On top of that she told me if i ever do it again that she would put me in a mental hospital . Why is she acting like this? I told her that i wanted help and she refuses to let me see a therapist .She thinks its a phase that im going through. I just need someone to talk to about it. someone who has nothing to do with my life. why do i have to deal with all these feelings of being all alone . I can be aroud tons of me friends and feel like im by myself. I just need to talk to someone who is going through what im going through.
soo alone
Posted by m.j.95 March 20th, 2010Open Mic?
Posted by Staystrong March 20th, 2010Hey there
have any of you guys ever done open mic night? I’m kinda interested because I love poetry and writing poetry and was wondering if any of you had ever been to one or read at one…
Staystrong
I am worthless.
Posted by HopeOnFire March 20th, 2010Or so you seem so intent on making me believe.
I hate that you have the power to make me hate myself,
especially when I should be hating you.
You do everything wrong, and blame it on me.
You have gained no success in your life, other than having 4 amazing children that are better than anything you ever deserved, and continually you take it for granted.
I can not stand you,
This IS your fault.
So close, yet so far.
Posted by lost.and.confused March 20th, 2010So, I had a breakdown yesterday, at school, in the office. It was kinda humiliating. Luckily no one really pressed me to get what was bothering me. But my life has just become so confusing, and it’s like hello? Is anyone there to realize I’m beginning to fade away? Can’t you just realize that I may be kind of scared to talk to someone, I’m sick of burdening people with this, so why don’t you talk to someone for me? Show me that you really care? I’m so done with this journey! If I would have known what would have happened, I would never have SIed the first time. I would never then have been brought to this place.
I know that I can get out of this, but I just don’t know how. I know that God will never leave me, I know that so stop telling me it! I’m done with this, and I’m worried something big will happen.
I’m so close to getting out of this, yet at the same time so far away I’m losing hope.
I’m scared…
Posted by Lostangel March 20th, 2010So yesterday something big happened at my house… In the past few weeks, my father hasn’t been checking me for any signs of self-injury.. Because I felt he would just forget, I started up again… Not a good idea. Yesterday, he told me that his girlfriend told him he should check me, so he did… And I was so scared, but I had no idea things would blow up the way they did…
He asked if he could check me, and I was scared… I had to let him, though… So he saw them and at first things were fine… He asked why I did it, and I told him it was because of how stupid he was making me feel, and yelling at me for unnecessary things… Later I went on to mention that I broke up with my boyfriend, and that was part of it, because of the stress of that. But he got angry with me and took me out into the living room and I was forced to sit there while he screamed at me… He swore at me, and then took a big vase-thing (I was too scared to look at him and what he was doing, I’m assuming it was a vase) and threw it on the ground… He asked me to help him, then said “OH WAIT ITS SHARP!!” He threatened to take me to a hospital and have me committed to a psyche ward… I told him I didn’t need to go… And luckily he didn’t take me to one. Then, He took my arm and grabbed a hold of it and started dragging me because he wanted to get some coffee, and I didn’t have any shoes on, so I told him I needed to get my shoes on. So I ran to my room, where he followed shortly after… He screamed at me to go faster, but I stayed at my pace, too trapped by fear to move any faster. I walked with my arms folded, hunched over, crying, afraid of him taking me to a hospital… But instead we went to a gas station. I went inside with him, bawling, then he went up to the counter and asked the woman at the register for a pack of cigarettes. This is bad because he had quit smoking for over a year… And I was making him start again… He said “It’s time to start smoking again.” he turns to me and yells “JULIA’S GONNA HURT HERSELF! SO I’M GONNA HURT MYSELF!” right in front of the woman, who I’m sure was so confused… We went home where some more screaming went on, and he threatened to make me stay at his house for the weekend, when legally I’m supposed to go to my grandparents… I didn’t want to stay there… I was afraid. This whole time, his girlfriend wasn’t there… So it wasn’t until my grandpa picked me up that she would have arrived… So I’m sure when I go home that there will be more yelling and more rules. But anyway, so my dad called my counselor that I only had one session with so far… He said he didn’t know what to do with me. They talked for a little, then my counselor and I talked. I told him that my dad grabbed me, and he said that 911 couldn’t do anything unless he actually hit me… I was scared he was going to hit me, but he never has… But he’s never grabbed me like that before… I have an appointment with him next week but I’m so scared… I can’t take it at home anymore… Luckily my counselor convinced my dad to let me go to my grandparents… I don’t know what’s going to be waiting for me when I get back on Sunday… I need support and advice from you guys, please…
Another
Posted by blueray March 20th, 2010So, I feel like I have been posting here an awful lot lately. I apologize, but I need to talk about this. I would write about it, but I have no paper at the moment to write on since all of my belongings are still in transition to my new lonely place.
I feel so very alone and I am getting more nervous as each minute passes to the time when I have to begin my new position in this new city I know nothing about. I long for some source of comfort. My finace who is my love and life, is still back where I used to live. I am without him too. I miss him. I miss everything.
I can’t help but want to find comfort in SI. I have not thought about SIing in several months, but now it is the thing I think about daily. My scars are a part of me. I have not really paid attention to them in a long time. But now I am obsessing about it. The more I look at myself, the more I want to SI. Although I don’t have my belongings with me at the moment, there are still plenty of tools within arm’s reach. It scares me to think this way. But I am starting to obsess. I know hurting myself is not going to change anything at the moment, but I feel like it will offer some comfort to, and I need comfort so badly right now.
I am thankful and extremely blessed to be where I am today, coming from where I was as a child/teenager. I endured so much, and now I have a chance to really make something of myself. I am just so scared. And now the SI thoughts are making me scared too.
Again, I apologize for all the posts. Lately I have felt I can handle things appropriately, but I am not sure at the moment.
WHY??
Posted by Denise March 20th, 2010I know it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged here I’ve just been avoiding everything I can in this world (Including Myself). Ever since my last blog it seems like everytime I have something good happen, something bad follows. So I ask myself everyday why not just keep laying the bad stuff on so thick that it would be impossible to get out from underneath it. I have a chance to start college this Fall/Winter and I just want to stop this idiotic notion that I could actually make something of myself after all even after death I could still hear my family saying you’ll never amount to anything, but being a loser all your life. I have to agree because why did all the abuse that happen to me only happens to losers. So I’ve been doling out everything humanly possible to keep up the legacy in my family. I’ve been avoiding my Therapist & Psychiatrist, injuring myself with food which could cause other health problems and just do everything else to hurt myself so when I do hurt myself I could at least feel something and realize that HEY I”M ALIVE AFTER ALL! I feel that this is the only way to live right now because it’s normal to me. People tell me that I’m smart, if I was so smart why not realize that dreams only come true for those born with silver spoons in their mouths and not low lives like me. All I want is to bail out of this world so I could have some peace and so everyone else could all agree “THERE GOES THE BIGGEST LOSER IN LIFE.”
words that sting
Posted by theprocess March 20th, 2010I dont usually get upset when people call me mean things. Last night was different. It hurts, stings when those words come from your dad.
So i had just come back from surgery and had been on the couch all day sleeping. I was feeling a little more awake so I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. My dad came downstairs and seeing that I was off the couch, turned the channel and half-jokingly I took the remote and changed the channel back to my show. Had i known it would have blown out of proportion, i wouldnt have touched it. Long story short, he went off on how he deserved to watch TV because he had “waisted” his whole afternoon with me at the Doctors. I was shocked, because it made me feel like i didnt deserve my surgery. I kinda froze me for a second. So i didnt give the remote back and he totally flipped out and yelled “You’re an A-word. A F-word,etc. (Do you know what im saying with the abbreviations?). I stood still, it stung. It hurt. It was worse than any SI i have ever done.
What I wanted to tell him was that it was his fault i was in this mess anyway. That he was the one who moved me from my home, took me from my familiar friends and family, my school. my church. He removed me from everything i knew. That wasnt his fault, I know. but then he lost his job here which was his motive for moving us.Again, thats not his fault either, I know. But he has now been jobless for 8 months. and he isnt trying to get a new positition. What he said to me stung because I felt like all the times that I wanted to yell at him and didnt.. its like they didnt even matter. All my sacrifices I have given up, and will be giving up, its like he doesnt even care. He doesnt care that I stress about having a college fund or not, or that i cant afford a flight back home to visit my friends. To say that I am an _____ for all my hard work.. it just hurt. He is the one giving up. I started crying as soon as he went upstairs, and I was worried that I was going to SI… so I took the car and left. Its the first time i’ve ever gone somewhere without telling a parent. I was scared. But those words keep repeating in my head.
He hasnt mentioned last night all day. He brought it up and said “dont you have something you need to appologize for?” I said no, and ran upstairs. I feel like my entire life has been taken from me, and my father is not doing anything to try to give it back.
I dont know what I’m trying to say. I cant talk about it to any friends here, cause they wouldnt get it. My friends at home seem to far away to explain this. My mom appologized and lectured him. Im hurt, just hurt. Over nothing more than a TV show.
I havent felt anything in a long time. until now. I wish I couldnt feel this.
plaster a smile onto your pretty little face…
Posted by control March 19th, 2010“im so dissapointed in you”
i hear those 5 words everyday of my life
i SIed today and i couldnt stop thinking of those 5 words and how often hear them, how often im supposed to act like im sorry, or that i dont care. but not only are my parents saying that now, but so are teachers, my coach who was almost like another father to me.just looked me in the eye and said “you better smile for the camera, or they wont take your picture”.he said that he was disappointed in me,for what? for acting my feelings? he said he was disappointed in me..for what? i came in first for all the events i did today.he said he was disappointed because i wasnt smiling. Im supposed to plaster a smile onto my face im supposed to fake that smile until it hurts, but all they see is disappointment. the smile slips another dissapointment. They expect me to plaster that smile onto my face, beause thats what they want to see. NO one sees through it, not even my best freind.
“are you okay?”
“yeah just really tired”
i want to scream to them CANT YOU SEE THROUGH THE FAKE SMILE ? i want to ask them..do you really know me at all?
i want to yell NO IM NOT OKAY
but everytime they ask i just smile and say im tired.
when i told my best freind that i was a little down she just said suck it up stop feeling sorry for yourself…i gues im just self absorbed. so i started talking to the stuffed lion she gave me. but that just reminds me that even my best friend cant be trusted, that i cant tell her, becuase im just to sorry for myself.
i dont know what to do, i just need someone to talk to…