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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.


Posted by Thoughtspiller | November 15th, 2014

Well, I finally got help. ¬†I saw a therapist. ¬†It was probably the scariest thing I have ever done. ¬†I didnt know what to expect. ¬†But here I am two years into grad school I needed to really understand who I was and what I was doing. ¬†So I ended up going in. ¬†And I left with a mood disorder. Considering I’m constantly diagnosing in school, I knew I had an Eating Disorder. ¬†I knew I met all the criteria, but I always thought well thats just me over analyzing it all. ¬†Youre not really suppose to diagnose yourself, so i was like cool, whatever. ¬†Well, nope. ¬†I have an eating disorder. ¬†My medical file shows I have an eating disorder. ¬†All of my SI branched off from my ED. ¬†My shopping habits come from my ED. ¬†My moods fluctuating? Yep you guessed it, ED. ¬†So tomorrow I start antidepressants and see a nutritionist Friday. ¬†Then i go into an eating disorder clinic on a weekly basis for about a year. ¬†Im freaking out. ¬†On one end Im happy I have the answers. ¬†But then Im scared I’m just going to fail this too. ¬†Ive failed at recovery with SI, with my ED, with almost everything that I have ever tried! ¬†Why do I think this time is going to be any better?? ¬†Am i going to change now? Will I finally start to like myself?? I wont hate myself when I see myself in the morning?? ¬† I know the changes wont be immediate. ¬†I know I cant snap and everything is going to be better right away. ¬†But is this the change that ive been waiting for the last ten years? ¬†I know in my gut this is a step in the right direction. I’m just scared. ¬†Im so completely scared.

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My first time on here

Posted by miyaharley98 | November 15th, 2014

Hello everyone, this is my first time on this site, I had it recommended to me by my therapist. So, I’ve been sick for nearly two years now. Nausea off and on, headaches, abdominal pain, the works. Basically like having the flu off and on for two years. I’ve been to tones of different doctors, specialists, hospitals, so far, no ones knows anything. The only thing that has helped me is a naturalist doctor. I’ve been on his program for about five months now, and I have actually improved a lot from where I was before, but I still have lots of set backs and bad days. Before I started going to the naturalist, I was bedridden for a week. I needed help to make it to the bathroom which was only seven feet away. I was super dizzy, nauseous, lots of lower pain. I was so dehydrated, and drinking anything only made the nausea worse. By day three, I was really worried, because I could tell that it wasn’t the flu, and before it got that bad, I had slowly been getting worse for about a month. I was really worried that it was something very serious, and that that might be it for me.

Before I got that bad, I had actually been coping with being sick fairly well, because I still had more good days than bad days, but after that week, I had been pretty traumatized, even when I started to improve. I started having really bad panic attacks about three or more times a day, sometimes up to five times a day. I couldn’t sleep very well at night, because I was scared of waking up that sick again. I was exhausted, often I would end up going to the nurses office or the library to sleep during my spares, because I just couldn’t stay awake. The panic attacks began to taper down about a month later, and now I’ve gotten to the point where I usually only have one a week if I’m lucky. Once the panic attacks started occurring less often, the depression set in, and the urges to self harm followed pretty soon after. So far I’ve managed not to, and my therapist recommended using distractions as a substitute, which has worked so far, but I was wondering if anyone had any other suggestions or advice? Really, anything right now would be helpful. Other substitutes, distractions, advice, anything.

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It Gets Better

Posted by scarredinplainsight | November 13th, 2014

Hey everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. A little over 2 years to be exact.

When I first found this website, I was 17 and stuck in a terrible place in my life. ¬†Losing my who I considered to be my best friend, having a boyfriend who stepped all over me, and many other things. ¬†I found harming myself to be an outlet for all the hurt, confusion, and anger that I had. And for about a year I continued to harm myself, I was very depressed. ¬†I felt as though I had hit rock bottom. It was then that my brother approached me with his suspicions, and after a lot of denying and lying on my part, he finally got the truth out of me. ¬†He held me as I cried about how ashamed I was, and then instead of being mad at me like I thought he would be, he took me to my parents, and sat with me as the truth about the last year of my life was revealed. ¬†Word slowly traveled to some of the teachers at my school, and they recommended someone for me to talk to. ¬†She helped at first, but then after a while it started to feel like she wasn’t concerned with helping me, just getting paid. ¬†I started to tell her what she wanted to hear so I could be done with her.

That was around graduation. ¬†When it came time for me to go to college, I put my past behind me, and jumped right in. ¬†Sure my past sometimes crept up on me, but I knew the best thing to do was ignore it, cause if my school found out, there was a chance I would be asked to take time off of school. ¬†And I couldn’t do that. ¬†All I was trying to do was make my family proud of me, and show them that I could do something right. ¬†That didn’t last for long, and soon it got to be too much to handle. ¬†An RA in my building found out about my troubles one night, and they had to act as they were taught. ¬†A cop came to see how I was, and then my parents were called to come and take me home for a few days. ¬†I was beyond terrified of letting my parents down, but when we got home I realized that they weren’t disappointed, but worried. ¬†After going to all the doctors like I was told to, I was told that part of my problem was that I have ADHD, and was never taught how to handle it. ¬†This explained so much and played a huge part in my failing grades. ¬†How are you suppose to learn anything when you can’t pay attention in class? ¬†Especially at a school as fast paced and competitive as mine.

That was a year ago. ¬†It’s been a long and bumpy road since then. ¬†My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer this time last year, and fought through it. ¬†She’s now cancer free. ¬†My grandpa died in early January this year. ¬†And many other obstacles have presented themselves. ¬†But I’m still here now. ¬†And I haven’t harmed myself since before I was asked to take time away from school.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that things get better. ¬†When you feel like you’ve hit the bottom, it means that there’s only one way to go, and it’s up. ¬†Don’t be afraid to let people in, ask for help, and don’t ever for one second think that you’re in this alone. ¬†So many people need you in their lives. ¬†It’s true that there are times when I falter in my progress and consider the “what-ifs”, but that’s a part of human nature, to wonder. ¬†But the truth is, we won’t know, cause we aren’t here to experience it. ¬†What’s the point in trying, if you don’t even get to see the outcome? ¬†And when I do let myself slip back into old ways of thinking, I take deep breaths, put on calming music, and clear my mind of everything.

When I first came to this website as a scared 17 year old girl, I literally had no one to talk to. ¬†That’s why I turned here in the first place. ¬†Now, I’m 19 years old, I’m a full time student at the Colorado School of Mines, I work a part time job, I have a real best friend in the form of my brother, and a boyfriend who will sit with me for hours on end as I yell in frustration at my homework or bring me dinner when I get stuck closing at work just as an excuse to see me.

Things will get better, you just have to be willing to put in the work to get to where you want to be.

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Posted by lattybugg | November 10th, 2014

I dont even know where to begin. my 17 yr old daughter needs help, and so do i..i don;t know what to do. ¬†it started about memorial weekend this year…. ¬† she’s a straight A student, by her own doing, we don;t pressure her about grades, she expects the best from herself. she plays volleyball and softball. she does not have a job. she does not have a car. she has a boyfriend. her BF is the one who told me about her injuring herself….she sent him a picture, he sent it to me. ¬†Last night he text me…she’s doing it again, although i don;t know if she ever stopped. i have not seen the injuries. he told me where the tools are…i found them this morning, i took them, but then i put them back….i don;t want her to know he is telling me, she needs to be able to trust him. she was going to a therapist..about 5 times, but forgot the last time and hasn’t rescheduled, she was going on her own. ¬†Today she told me she doesn’t like to go, all she does is talk about what happened the past week. ¬†she is on an antidepressant now, only 3 weeks….it was either anti depressant or birth control..her blood work is normal, her periods are normal, so we decided on an anti depressant plus a headache med because she’s had daily headaches (mild) since 3rd grade.

she says she is exhausted trying to pretend at school that everything is ok, that she is happy. her friends get on her nerves. she is a people pleaser, makes sure everyone else is happy..if they aren’t, it makes her sad and takes responsibility. If her volleyball teammate has a bad spike, she blames herself, she didn;t set the ball good enough. ¬†She plays sports for HER..not for me. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to play,. but she enjoys playing with her friends, but if her friends are sitting the bench, she feels guilty because she is out there playing. ¬† ¬†she does’t know why she feels the way she does..she wants it to go away. she doesn’t want her friends to know how bad she is…they drive her crazy (Im reading her texts to me from last night. ¬†she does not know I know she injures herself….her bf is the only one that knows, but her friends said they saw the injuries during volleyball, they asked her, she said she ran into the door handle. meds keep her at a mellow level she said..she doesn’t feel happy, but doesn’t feel super sad…tired all the time, and she doesn’t want to be around people, esp her friends. ¬† ¬†since volleyball is over, she comes home after school, goes into her room, and watches NETFLIX shows in the dark, laying in bed. she says she feels totally different than she used to feel, like she isn;’t the same person. she feels like she is the complete opposite of her friends. ¬†she said she tries to do what makes her happy, but it’s hard cause she wants other people to be happy. ¬†she said she is different because she is worried about everyones happiness. ¬†i asked if she is doing things just to please her friends, she said kind of. I asked if she was afraid to say no, she said kind of. ¬†she isn’t having sex yet…she promises she isn’t. and she wears a purity ring. she’s adamant about that!! ¬†I don’t know what to do. ¬†I don;t know if we should try different meds, idk if we should find a new therapist (Which is hard to schedule because she is busy with softball conditioning after school). ¬†I’m lost and I can’t stop crying.

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I am back here…needing to feel safe

Posted by LoverlyLaurie | November 9th, 2014

I have not been here for 3 years, on this site. I am struggling a lot recently and am in need of comfort. I haven’t si’d in 2 years and almost 1 month. Things are getting very stressful atm. I feel like si is all I can think about when I’m not busy, like laying down to go to sleep. Which has messed up my sleeping. At the moment and possibly for two more weeks, my left arm is in a cast, which makes it harder to type. An ed support site I visit is pretty vacant since I returned this past week and I’m in desperate need of support. I’m scared I will si again. The thoughts are more frequent lately and idk where else to turn. Thanks for reading.

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Rough day

Posted by Thoughtspiller | November 6th, 2014

Yesterday was so good!! I was on track with my food log, i was eating well, sure I snacked a bit here or there, but overall i was doing so well! And then class got cancelled, we went out to dinner, and i felt guilty. ¬†I wanted to go back to my ED ways, but I couldnt, I didnt want to put my body through that. ¬†But then I came home and i Si-ed. ¬†I hate that I did it. ¬†Its like I have to punish myself for eating out. ¬†Like im not on this crazy diet. ¬†Im just writing it down!!!! Its not like im giving myself this complex about my body! I just want to know what im eating. ¬†So then I eat dinner, and I know its not horrible, but its like I have to punish myself for making a mistake when I was hungry at a normal hour and not a crazy amount??? ¬†Will i ever really go through life without wanting or needing SI? ¬†I just have to say that I slept so well last night too. ¬†I want to get help, I want to talk to someone, but I cant tell my parents. ¬†They think i stopped so long ago. ¬†They think I stopped when I was in high school, over eight years ago. ¬†So I cant just say Hey! Guess what! Ive been si-ing regularly for the last eight years!! Surprise! ¬†Im just lost. ¬†I dont know what I want. ¬†I dont know what i need to do. ¬†Im just tired of it all. ¬†Ive thought about running away so much lately. ¬†How easy it would be to pack up my car and go. ¬†I dont even know where. ¬†I dont want to be around my best friend. ¬†Shes driving me nuts. I dont really have any other friends that are close. ¬†I have two friends who I text and I love them, I really do, but i dont know. ¬†I never have a chance to get out, go away, be….me. ¬† Im not even sure who I am anymore. ¬†I know who I WANT to be. ¬†But right now im miserable. ¬†Im not happy. ¬†I fake my way through everyday. ¬†I pretend im ok, that I have no cares in the world. ¬†But im hurting. I hurt a lot. ¬†I dont even know how to explain it. I’ll never be the person I want to be. I just…I DONT KNOW!! If i could I would scream right now. ¬†I just dunno. I really dont know.

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It is happening.

Posted by goldenscribe | November 5th, 2014

I have come to realize it’s up to me, more than anything else, to decide to get better. Some are saying it’s not a choice. But I say, yes.

I’ve been in therapy for a year and a half now. Now, it’s time to let go of everything that was making me angry, define what I want for myself, and lead a happy, healthy life. Because for much of that time I’ve been angry.

Yes, I’m having a hard time letting go of everything that’s been told to me. In fact, that’s the hardest part. My therapist told me it’s like I’m so used to carrying a bag that I don’t know what to do when I drop it so I find a new bag to carry. I carry that weight, and more.

I’m angry at my two friends with eating disorders because they are determined to stay negative. One moved back home and continues to blame her environment and her genetics and her trauma———anything she can possibly do to keep herself sick. One moved to California and has been in help for the last several years. She has had to stay at Renfrew. She is relapsing and abusing drugs. She keeps saying she’s lesbian, but she has slept with a married man she had feelings for. And I don’t really buy the sexuality is fluid argument. It’s fluid but not THAT fluid. I think it’s the interest level that changes with time, but the person—man, woman, etc—-that someone is attracted to does not. You may be interested in men, but not as frequently at, say, 35 as you were at 15. Or vice versa.

I’m angry at the girl who keeps saying asexual is where she belongs, because again, she hasn’t fixed her own problems. I know she tried to have a boyfriend. I know she finds people attractive that are either cheaters or gun owners. I know she has had surgeries and feels ugly as a result. I know she can’t forgive her mom for her past. And I wish she’d be honest about all of that instead of hiding behind something, because that does a huge huge disservice to people who are actually asexual. She uses past bullying as an excuse for being shy. She uses her childhood speech impediment as an excuse for not being a good communicator, and throwing temper tantrums. She’s been sent to a therapist for other reasons but won’t go.

I’m most angry at my cousin, who keeps on proclaiming birth justice and living your own life. In truth, she did a lot to hide the fact she didn’t know what she wanted out of her life at my age, filled her head with junk, and now is trying to manipulate family into supporting her and visiting her and her family. Her parents say they want to go back to live near her. I sure as heck don’t!

But, the person I’m most angry at is myself. For being friends with people who did all these things so I had an excuse to continue my own SI. So I had an excuse to be angry and depressed. So I had an excuse to be negative all the time. I blamed trauma. I blamed school. I blamed my parents, my family. I blamed my eye problem. I blamed my surgeries. Friends are a reflection of who you are and what you do and believe in. I was angry at them because they reflected me. The problem was me all along. Yes, things happened in my past that should not have happened, but if I let it control me, that’s my fault because I let it. People’s actions do have an influence on me, and it’s my fault because I let them.

So, today, this morning, I choose to let go. I choose to put people’s challenges back on them. What are they doing to solve their problem, and what am I doing to solve mine? Asking for support is one thing. Taking up another’s weight is something else.

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Death and Dying

Posted by Kellin | November 5th, 2014

My father died on Halloween, and it hurts unbelievably. It doesn’t help that I’ve been trying to stop hurting myself, yet that’s all I want to do. I have a goal not to hurt myself until at least February, but I don’t know if I can meet it all the way. I can’t stop thinking about my dad and that’s not helping because when I think of him, I want to cry, and when I cry I hurt myself so I don’t break,. It’s all not going well at all. The one plus side in my life is that my little sister just got out of impatient therapy, so she’s home.

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this I am bad feeling….

Posted by healing | October 31st, 2014

Hello, I have not been here in a while, but I have to keep finding spaces for myself to think things through. One thinking tonight is about my wish that I pressed charges for something that happened. It actually might not be too late, but I know my mind would never make it. And the reason for having this wish right now is that I keep falling into self-blame. I honestly don’t know how to get out of it. I want help on getting out of it. And it’s very hard when other people don’t consider me or what I’ve been through. I feel really confused too about how to own my piece– poor boundaries– while also knowing I was a victim–I just keep falling into feeling like I am so bad, and so desperately need punishment. If I had had better boundaries the mess wouldn’t have happened. That is a fact. The fallout of the mess has effected my child. That is a fact. I need help with him that I have desperately been trying to get– for years I have been doing everything I can. The program he is in now is residential and, while things seem to have calmed down right now, yesterday my conversation with the director was about how they couldn’t handle him so I may have to come get him. If they are an institution and can not handle him, how on earth they think I, a single mother just trying to get healthy myself can handle him is beyond me‚Ķ. though they do not think that. They do not think about me, and they do not care about me. I think focusing on my therapist who sees things my way, does care about me is what calmed me down, together with lots of ice cream and sleep and then a day of calm distraction. Now the thing with the institution has died down a bit, my kid’s trouble period passed. But I feel so beat up, and some things came out– like how SI, to me, appears as power– the last power I have when everything else breaks down. I suppose that I had never told my therapist that, which is odd. But he said that that disturbed him and he would never in a million years have that occur to him‚Ķ but it seems so obvious to me that it is very powerful. He said he sees it a weakness. I mean‚Ķ. maybe weakness is a sort of power‚Ķ. but other than that, I want to come around to his pov, but I don’t get it– at all. If anyone can explain it, I will listen. There’s something else I want to understand too, but don’t understand– with the most immediate stressor (kid) out of the house a few weeks, I am having a chance to unwind. I have figured out that what is happening is that I am becoming less numb. I kind of think this a dangerous thing– to become less numb. Because the stressor will return and the numb was a buffer. It was how I was strong enough to deal. But, again, so these both have to do with power and what is strong and what is weak. The numb was effective. The SI is super effective‚Ķ that’s not true. It makes me feel terrible. And the numb is‚Ķ well‚Ķ I don’t even know it’s there when it’s there but having some space now I can see that it was there because it turns out that there’s all this unfolding happening– sprouting social interests, getting exercise, cooking for myself– that stuff was not happening in the domain of numb. It seems like without numb I will not be able to cope, but my therapist saw that as opposite too‚Ķ that numb is weakness, and with less numb I will be more powerful. But the last time I had a break then my kid came back I did fall completely apart. We were in the er a lot due to his drug use and his tantrums. It was too much for me. The system doesn’t listen to when I say I cannot take it. That was my last big SI bout, though no one other than my therapist knew it was happening. I don’t want to fall apart like that again– I don’t want to just not care.

Life shifts around a lot. I’m supposed to focus on– I am doing much better now. I’ve had set backs before. I will take it a bit at a time. And it keeps resonating– I was a victim– that’s how this situation happened. When I compare myself to other I can handle it pretty well– I see that I am much better off than many. And I see that I am way better off than women who experienced what I did in other time periods. I have everything I need, so it is impossible for anyone to have more– ‚Ķ‚Ķ but this bad feeling– this I am bad feeling‚Ķ.

And– I have now held a full-time job for a bit over a year. ¬†That is a miracle. ¬†It was not at all clear that I would be able to do it, and I have and that makes me very happy. ¬†I really am getting on my feet. ¬†I can support myself and my child. ¬†I never knew I have so much capacity. ¬†It is a job that pays poorly, but no big deal– I can live and I have learned to have a job and I learn a lot there that will translate to more. ¬†I am also getting more education. ¬†I have finished my undergrad degree– ‚Ķ..just need to file the paperwork to graduate– this is amazing. ¬†I am 38. ¬†I started out an excellent student– went to college early‚Ķ but then just couldn’t handle life, and had been a victim and became more of a victim‚Ķ. There used to be posters in the mass transit– I believe they were for a college– they were about some single mother who gets up at 5 to cook for her kids, works full time, then goes to school at night. ¬†The posters laud her. ¬†Of course, they are trying to sell something– and these posers haven’t been around for about a year but they are really under my skin this week. ¬†I am taking a certificate program now, which is actually important for my career in a learning way (the undergrad was only important in a check a box way)‚Ķ and the class I am taking right now is hard. ¬†That is good. ¬†I am learning. ¬†But I am not accustomed to feeling challenged — usually stuff is easy for me. ¬†It was actually after I looked at a grade I just got that I came here, feeling bad about myself. ¬†It might be partially hard because I just don’t have the energy to devote (though it is also just a challenge). ¬†And that’s where the poster comes to mind– this lauding of a woman working herself to the bone to be a “good”– citizen? mother (for sure)– person really. ¬†And I think it’s just soooooooooooo unsympathetic to women. ¬†The answer to recovering from a life of poverty and trauma can’t be just work harder and harder and harder. ¬†This particular class is on-line and I realize now that I might have an easier time absorbing info if it was in person. ¬†I have fallen asleep as it ended the last two weeks. ¬†If I took it in person I would have to take off of work‚Ķ and I already miss a lot of work due to kid problems‚Ķ.. I feel a debt to the job– I could claim more space for myself though. ¬†I could take off. ¬†So, anyway, I have to resubmit my work for this last project because I didn’t understand something– I knew I wasn’t understanding it but didn’t have the energy to work it through on my own so I just didn’t– that actually sounds healthy to me now. ¬† I didn’t strain myself– that’s a good thing.

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Posted by Thoughtspiller | October 31st, 2014

Well the good news is I passed the class I was so worried about! Apparently I had the right idea, just missed a point so the teacher wanted me to show I actually understood it. So now im back to normal classess that I breeze though because the content isnt very hard for me.¬† So I mean thats good.¬† For some reason I have had this major urge to SI the last two days.¬† Nothing major has happened.¬† I had three of my closest friends break up with their significant others.¬† So I spent the whole weekend listening, assuring them it gets better, being the good friend I’m suppose to be.¬† And I cant just start avoiding them now that I know theyre hurting.¬† Its just so difficult sometimes to step back.¬† And I have for the most part. But one friend is having a REALLY hard time so I really cant.¬† But thats not why I want to SI.¬† Its almost like I just want to feel something.¬† But I dont understand why I would need to.¬† I’m ok.¬† Emotionally I’m fine!!

I started a food journal yesterday.¬† Im not doing anything drastic.¬† Im not trying to make myself hate me again.¬†¬† I just keep track of what goes in my mouth.¬† No calories, no mean words, just tracking pen and paper.¬† I made short term goals, and long term goals, and left a week empty to really reassess how Im doing after a month (if i get that far!).¬†¬† I dont want to do this and make myself hate who I am.¬† Because I know Im not skinny.¬† I dont want to be a stick thin person.¬† I just dont want people to look at me in pity, or walk into a room and be the biggest person in the room.¬†¬† I just want to like my body.¬† I dont right now.¬† I cant SI right now. I wont.¬† I shouldnt. I mean I can, but Im not going to.¬† I will make it through today.¬† Im giving myself a week before I start to freak out and fall apart.¬† I can do this.¬† I will be able to hold it together.¬† Its like if i keep typing it then itll happen…..hopefully.

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