Just want you all to know how impressed I am with the level of support on our blog. It’s amazing to me how thoughtful most of your responses are. I hope that each of you who have responded in such a helpful and empathic manner are able to be as kind to yourselves as you are to others:-)
Posted by drlader | January 26th, 2012
Constantly…
Posted by AmandaBeth | January 25th, 2012
It’s been almost a year since the first time I self injured. The whole reason it happened was just because I was trying to protect someone. Instead I ended up breaking up a relationship. Now, the guy is still not over the girl and keeps bringing it up, how it’s “been a year” and it makes me feel guilty because I know it’s my fault. On top of that, my really close guy friend’s girlfriend (ex as of 2 days ago) has been away for a while. Just as friends, me and him went to Main Event. She found out, and got really mad at me. I’m kind of scared, because she’s sort of unstable. My friend said that I helped him get the courage to break up with her, because he had been wanting to, but now I’m even more scared. She’s really upset about it, and I don’t know how she’ll handle it. I feel like if she does anything to herself, it will be my fault. Also, my best friend has become really rude and snobbish lately, and acting like she’s so much better than me, and my best guy friend is mad at me too. I feel like I don’t really have anyone anymore, and I’m under a lot of pressure, trying to get a good class rank, along with choir, debate, tennis, and softball. I self injured for the first time since November, and I don’t know why I keep doing it, because I hate myself afterwards. It just feels right at the time. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ll have these episodes of depression, like yesterday, but today I felt fine and happy. So I don’t think I’m depressed but I don’t know what it is. I need help.
i feel so alone!
Posted by honey | January 25th, 2012
hi,, im not sure how to do this or even ask for help.. ive been able to maintain my no-self harm for a while but lately i cant.. i feel like the people around me dont understand an its hard too talk to them.. my best friend has me at her house an want let me i feel like i may break at any moment!! please can someone help me???
Lonely
Posted by nickymanD | January 25th, 2012
I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I just changed schools and even when I try to make friends, they just desert me. Although, I havent SI’ed this year,but everyday is a struggle to not injure. Times like these I would really like someone to talk too, but being in a new school is hard. Plus im a 17 year old boy, so nobody thinks I need someone to talk to. I just need someone to be an outlet. I hope someone will respond to me, please!
Just One Of Those Days
Posted by AllieNae | January 25th, 2012
I don’t think…no I KNOW its not normal to feel the way I feel. I’m never happy; I am either “ok” or “sad” there is no in between for me. I been like this for years and its getting harder for me to keep it under control. All this time I have been fighting myself BY MYSELF and its so difficult. I keep telling myself that I am going to be ok but I really don’t know if I am. Its been 11 years (and counting) that I have been trying to keep the lock tight on the “dark side of my closet” which is really my head but I just dont known…I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle. The question is when will I give up my fight and just let the darkness take me over or do I just keep trying to figure out how to overcome??? I need to remind myself that I put in 11 years of fighting. I can’t, I just CAN’T give up yet!!!!
Strength..
Posted by barelybyhope | January 23rd, 2012
I used to be so strong. Well, at least strong to push down my feelings and keep them there. Now they’ve gotten harder and harder to keep down. And when they leak out, I SI (But today is the 13th day since I last injured). I love that people will see me as strong and feel comfortable talking to me about their troubles and come to me for advice. I want people to confide in me and find comfort in me. I wish I had someone I could turn to.. I’m not complaining about it. I am glad people see me as strong. But I don’t feel it.. I feel like I’m just putting on a show. And I’m so, so tired. I can’t do this anymore. But I don’t want anyone to see me as weak.. Even though I am. Right now especially. I guess I should give a little background..
Um.. When I was 6 months old, my parents divorced. I have an older brother and a younger brother. We all have different fathers. After a nasty custody battle, we all lived with my mom and I was ordered by the court to visit him every other weekend. My brothers didn’t have to since he technically isn’t their father. I hated going to his house. He was a very complicated man.. When I was four he molested me. When I told my mom he hurt me, she confronted him and he said he was just giving me a bath and didn’t know how. He forgot after four years? She believed him. I had to keep going to his house.. He made me sleep in his bed with him. Right next to him, against his skin. I have grow to have so much hatred towards him. Finally, when I was ten I put my foot down and stopped seeing him because “I was old enough to decide for myself.” My mom will still deny to this day that my father touched me. I witnessed many of my mothers abusive relationships. Boyfriends, step dads.. Always men coming and going. None of them were good. At all. I was depressed and suicidal already for a couple of years. I was just a kid. What would have been different in my life if someone would have just looked at me and really have seen me? Told me I’m NOT worthless. I AM loved. I DO matter.. Instead of always hearing the opposite. So many hurtful things.. I don’t even remember the first time I injured. It’s all a blur. I stopped eating. I hated myself. I hated everything. I kept everything inside. No one had any idea.. I wish someone cared. Ten months ago I found a friend who I thought understood. He always talked about TWOLHA and didn’t even know I injured. He was my best friend. And I was his too.. We began to date after a few months of friendship and fell in love. I never trusted anyone and kept everyone away from me. When I finally got up the courage to tell him I injured, he still loved me. He was there. He tried to support me through it and was helping me stop. For the first time, I thought I had a reason to stop. Everything changed when his mom found out. She freaked out when she read a text about him helping me when I wanted to SI..and said I’m crazy and unhealthy for him. That I didn’t even really injur, I was just making it up because he knew about TWLOHA. I tried to fix it. I tried to talk to her. She never answered my emails or calls. She made him leave me.. She was always looking for a reason to make him break up with me and she finally found one. Everything just exploded. I had to tell my mom about the SI and she flipped and screamed at me. Saying how stupid and cowardly could I be to injure myself. What kind of sane person does that, I just want attention, I hate her and am trying to kill her, so many hurtful things. She ran into my room when I got out of the shower and, before I could get dressed, yelled at me and stared at me saying why would I want hideous scars on my body just to get attention. Then she went and told my brothers I’m crazy and a injurer. It was so humiliating. I never trusted anyone, and when I finally trust one person, it all blows up. I can’t even describe how crushing it felt. The people I should be able to trust the most and know that they love me unconditionally are the ones who hurt me the most. And on top of that, I got a nasty letter from my father yelling at me about how disrespectful I am because I don’t talk to him. He never tried to talk to me. He never did anything except hurt me. And now I’m so alone.. It wasn’t just a typical relationship between two young people. My best friend and soulmate was taken from me and didn’t fight to stay with me. If he did, I couldn’t tell. He promised he would never leave for any reason. I need to talk to him. He was the one I had finally been able to lean on when I needed help and love.. He’s gone. His mother said if I ever try to contact him, she’ll get a restraining order taking out against me…. I don’t even have any closure. Does he still love me? Did he really want to stay? What is he thinking? I have to know. I’m losing it. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense. I just really need some help right now. I need someone to talk to. Someone who will distract me from the constant verbal abuse. Someone to understand and really be there
Day 12
Posted by barista.steph | January 23rd, 2012
I’m feeling a little more put together every day since my last relapse. Slowly getting back up and dusting the dirt off. As I was driving to work this afternoon I felt like I was hit in the gut with all of this guilt and shame. Things I did while under the influence, things I missed, etc. It was such a powerful feeling, it took me totally off guard. I try not to think about it, I try not to cry over it but I know these are things I’m going to have to go through to heal. I thought self injury was the way to go today. My first thought in reaction to the guilt and shame was to hurt myself. Punish myself with a physical pain. It was my first thought but then I remembered just because I have a thought or a feeling doesn’t mean I have to act on it. This is a concept that if I can put into practice, may be one of the most useful things I’ve been taught. It’s genius! And so simple!
Sinking back down?
Posted by barelybyhope | January 23rd, 2012
I’m so, unbelievably heartbroken. My best friend and boyfriend apparently was lying or completely changed his mind about everything he said.. he knew about my ED and the SI.. I trusted him. He was the only person I had ever trusted. He destroyed that. I was already broken goods.. now what am I? I’m so much worse in sooo many ways. He ripped my heart out. Now all of my deepest secrets have been thrown out into the open and I’m looked at as a disgusting basket case everyday. And where is he?!he promised he’d never leave! And he’s gone! I’m alone here. He was my only supporter and comfort.now I’m back on my own. I’m so hurt. I can’t accept it. I can’t even talk to him. I have no closure. I just have to guess what he’s thinking and how he feels. I can’t handle not knowing. I can’t even explain or get it all out. It’s so.much. How can he have seemingly moved on so fast? I’m broken. Shattered.. help me
oh my gosh, i can not.
Posted by Vivi | January 22nd, 2012
so in one of my other post i talk about the guy i like and how he has a girlfriend and stuff. welll, the reason he won’t break up with her is because he is too scared cuz he never breaks up with anyone because it makes him feel like a bad person. he’s going to have to do it in the future and doesn’t that just make it worse for the girl?! it really does. agh. well today, i was talking to him and we do this thing where we see who can make one another more jealous, it’s weird i know, and i was telling him about this guy that called me cute the other day and he was like 3 years older than me and he was trying to make me jealous. i was like “cool story bro” and then he goes on this website knowing that i follow him and posts 2 pictures of his gf and he goes “beautiful girlfriend appreciation post.” and under one of them it says “this is my favorite.” he told me he has no feelings for her whatsoever anymore and he does this. this is so low for him and he’s just being mean. he knew that i could see it and that it would obviously hurt me. i was so close to self injuring but i didn’t because i talked to my bestfriend about it. i mean, i want more advice.. should i make him break up with her so we can be together, because i know for a fact that he does not like her or should i just, move on with life.. which will be really hard for me because i like him so darn much. :/ being a teenager is so hard. please please please, reply? <3
Hard home life
Posted by Sabrina | January 22nd, 2012
yesterday I got abused by my step father, kicked outa my house and
And I S.I.
I’m so unwanted
My step father told my mom ” either I leave or she does!”
My mother chose me to leave…
I’m 15… And a sophomore in HS..
I had an anxiety attack last night
Couldn’t breathe, got sick, and passed out.
I’m living with my grandpa now..
I feel trapped and stressed..
I need love</3
