I relapsed,my wounds in a more obvious place, and surprisingly only by best friends have notices. Luckly I can hide it some. Since Friday I have a date, and Saturday I get to stay at a friends house, hiding it is something I need to do. Only three people, maybe four, know about it. My boyfriend doesn’t even know, and he won’t. This is not something I need him to know. To make it better, my friend(who I am visiting on Saturday) SI a week or two ago, so I know I need to handle it all as perfectly as possible, and I remember to pray a lot, but it is still hard. I hope I can go on like I had before Monday, where I can be clean for a while. I pray everyone who does read this that you are not alone, just confide to a close friend, they can help you.
Invisible
Posted by chaya | May 16th, 2012
I’ve been a selfinjurr for over two yearS now. Sometimes I just feel so alone. Although I have friends and people who love me, sometime I just feel so scared
I wake up in the morning and usually have trouble finding the motivation to move. Gerting through acomplete school day used to be a breeze. Lately, I find it next to impossible. I feel enfoldedion a cloud of grey. The level of perfection expected from me is too much. I feel invisible to everyone. Sometimes I wonder if my so called friends even notice my struggle. Im scared I’m pushing them away. I want to get better. I really do. I wish I could.
With love,
Chaya
Research Clinic for Self-Injury
Posted by caresuw | May 16th, 2012
CARES: Collaborative Adolescent Research on Emotion and Suicide
PURPOSE OF CLINIC:
Seattle Children’s Hospital and the University of Washington are providing specialty treatment for adolescents engaging in suicidal behaviors and studying how to help reduce them. We are accepting teenagers (ages 13-18) that are seeking treatment for self-injurious behaviors.
WHAT’S INVOLVED:
Eligible teen and parent will participate in 6 months of treatment. Treatment is typically weekly and includes both individual and group components. Teens and parents also complete questionnaires and interviews.
Interested families can get more information by:
Contacting the CARES Study at:
206-221-CARE
caresuw@uw.edu
what else can i do?
Posted by alexb | May 14th, 2012
lets go threw this year. Im 15 and had heart surgery and i need to go back, i collapse all the time and i will need heart surgery again bythe end of the year. I lost 3 people that wer so close to me its hurts to see someone with their name. Jimmy, My boyfriend of 10 months, we planned on getting married going threw highschool and college together then starting our lives. I love him, he is the one who taught me how i should be treated. i said we need a break because my depressions getting so bad i was haveing aniexty and panic attacks every day. The next day he was hit by a drunk driver. Hes still in the hospital but hes never going to be the same if he makes it out alive. Then Megan, she is amazing, I love her, She was my best friend. She was killed by a texting teen driver and was killed instantly. JJ, the man who could look at me and instantly tell what i was thinking and what was wrong. He commitied suicide because of me. i go insane and think that this is all my fault and i keep on asking why this is all happening to me. So then i injure myself and want out. I was raped when i was 13 by a boyfriend who was 16. I was sexually assulted by 2 guys who i thought wer my friends while the other 3 just watched. I am not a normal girl iv gone threw more then any one can ever imagine. The only way i can ever get threw things is to use substances or injure my self. i don’t know what im sapose to do..
Scared
Posted by bkd | May 14th, 2012
I’ don’t know what to do anymore.. The depression Is so bad lately. I’m at the point where I can’t focuss on anything. School, socializing, even sleeping and eating is hard. In the past week it’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to have a normal conversation with someone without constantly spacing out or being unable to focuss on what their saying. I’m scared that I’m really loosing it. It feels like I’m not really living, but rather going through the days motions thoughtlessly. Or like I’m watching my life as a movie, instead of actually being apart of it. I want to come backtot the real world now, buI I feel stuck in this hazey state of mind
Hard time
Posted by the book thief | May 13th, 2012
So I’m going through a really hard time at this moment.. it feels like I’m completely alone in this world….
The other night I self harmed….. again.. I just.. feel so lost, you know???
I just want this to stop. I mean.. I do really really well for some time, then it’s like… crash!
I fail and it’s worse than it was the previous time.. why is it like that??
I just want to be set free. Just breathe for once, without self harm that that makes me relax in order to breathe..
I just want to survive without self harm, but at this given time… it seems pretty impossible..
I’m sure I’d get through it though… many people before me have done it…
I think I can too…..
Looking for hope and healing for precious daughter
Posted by mimimom | May 12th, 2012
My beautiful daughter is in the hospital as I type this message. She has been hospitalized twice in the past two months. Our family has just begun this journey to find help for our daughter’s depression, self loathing, and self injury. We have known for quite some time that she has suffered from low self esteem/depression, but had no idea about the extent of self injurious behaviors. From what I can tell, SI is not usually a means of suicide, but she has an constant and overwhelming desire to die.
From what I can tell about the hospital mental health units is that they are there for one purpose: stabilization. I also see that the vast majority of adolescents who are in these units are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, have had some type of criminal record, and are truant at school. Thankfully, our daughter comes from a loving home with a mom, dad, and sister who adore her. She is very intelligent, and works so hard to do well in school. Here is the dilema…when she gets released back into the “real world” the SI behavior patterns just set themselves right back up. Although she is now on medication for the depression and is seeing a sweet counselor twice a week, it doesn’t seem that the main issue of SI is being addressed head on. When I stumbled across this website tonight, I actually felt hopeful. This is EXACTLY what we have been looking for. I would like any help or suggestions that you may have to help with the process of getting this level of help. How do we transition into a treatment plan? We live in the Orlando, FL, area. We do have insurance, but I am so afraid that the cost is going to make this totally impossible. Finally, is this program faith-based in any way? Our daughter has a precious faith in God that has sustained her through some difficult times. We all certainly feel that prayer and faith-filled hope is going to be one of the pieces to this complicated puzzle.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping this scared and nervous mom.
R
been a while
Posted by Betsy | May 12th, 2012
Hi all, I haven’t been around for a while. I graduated in October 2008 from SAFE in Denton, Texas. Although the program ended early for me because no one else was coming in, I have been doing well. I haven’t SIed for 1 year and 4 months which is a new record for me. My secret is always carrry a log where ever you go. I just got out of the hospital from being there for a month and getting my meds straight. This time it was not for SI.
Not much is happening other than what I said. I have a great therapist and great psychiatrist who understand the SI part of my life and will discuss it if I ever want to talk about it.
Betsy
All I want to do now……
Posted by Scorpion | May 9th, 2012
I haven’t posted anything here in awhile now. It’s not because I got better. I found someone else to talk to. Now, I know that I need help. Over the last couple of days, I hurt someone that I love. I didn’t mean to but I did. I hurt her.
Now, I just want to punish myself more and more for doing that. I want to SI just so I can hurt. I want to feel the pain that I’m putting her through. I want to punish myself until I can forgive myself for doing it. Make myself suffer for it.
Sometimes I don’t want to be better.
Posted by pinktulips | May 9th, 2012
I hate this. I am learning that if I want to be happy I do really have to want it. I won’t just magically wake up happy tomorrow morning because I said a prayer tonight. It doesn’t work that way. I actually have to put effort into feeling better. And so sometimes, I don’t want to be better. I don’t have the energy to fight.
Today, I found myself withdrawing from the people around me. When someone would ask how I am doing, I would say good. Because really if you think about it, how many people actually want to know how you are doing? I can’t think of any time in my life when someone asked me how I was doing and I when I said “horrible”, they kept the conversation going. They just stop. They might say “I’m sorry to hear that.” But most just look at me weird. Like it isn’t ok to not be ok.
Mental illness has got me on a rollercoaster ride that I never would have dreamed I would be on. Bipolar. People just say it now. Like “the weather is so bipolar” or “one minute she is happy the next she is freaking out….she is so bipolar”.
Lately, I have been wanting to scream “I AM NOT OK”. But I don’t want to have to go back into the hospital. I don’t have it in me to go through all of that again. I can’t leave my family. I can’t do that to them. They don’t deserve it. So, I stay silent. I let out my feelings on here and in my journal. But that is all. I can’t tell anyone how much I am struggling without it being blown out of proportion. I can’t do it.
At this point, I don’t know if I want to be better. I scare people when I want to be better. They see me set myself up for failure….or they freak out if I fall even once. I have had so many people walk out of my life because I am not better yet. People have prayed for me and if they don’t see the results in a week or two they give up and walk out of my life. Even the people I trusted. I don’t trust easily. If you have earned my trust, and for even one second I doubt, you are off the list.
So the list is down to zero. I trust no one. There is no one I can talk this out with. No one I can vent to. I feel alone.
But what really stinks is that I feel alone, but if someone saw even one SI mark, they would all of a sudden be on me about it. Or maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe if I started the cycle all over again, no one would say a word. They would just see me as a hopeless case. “No point in helping her. She doesn’t want help. She doesn’t want to be better.”
I actually had a “friend” say that to me. “M” is super religious. She prayed over me, spoke in tongues…all of it. And soon she stopped taking my calls, responding to my texts and my emails. She won’t even speak to me if we were in the same room. She didn’t understand why I wasn’t better yet. And so she told me, “It’s because you don’t want to be better.” And the sad part is, I called her the other day and she didn’t answer. She sent me an email instead. And all she had to say in the email was “life is sure busy, sorry I didn’t hear my phone.”
My heart hurts all over again just remembering it. I wish I could trust someone that would not run away. I can’t handle heartache, so I just don’t go there.
2 days shy of 7 months sober and SI free.
But I’m still not better.
