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This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

the grass is greener…over there

Posted by blueray | August 26th, 2014

I continue to struggle…I am still trying to find a suitable job and it is taking a toll on me. The part-time job I do have takes time, and the time I do have I struggle between taking time for myself vs. this desperate need to do job searching activities. There hasn’t been much interest in my applications which has been very discouraging. I am depressed and feel the sting of rejection, loss of purpose, and anxiety over money everyday. I try to hold it together, but the other day I snapped. I had to wake up early for my part-time job, but I haven’t been able to sleep well lately, so I was very tired. I was so tired, depressed, angry and feeling so hopeless I had this urge to be destructive in this fit of rage. I am so terrified that in that moment I might hurt someone or something else, that I always take it out on me instead. I ended up SIing. I wasn’t sure what else to do.

Another thing that I find is not helping is I am comparing my situation to others who I graduated with. Many of them have jobs now and are moving forward with life. FB has been a place I can’t even venture to lately. I just see all the smiles, words of congrats to people achieving great things while I sit here in tears. I pray everyday, and although I find my faith wavering, it is the only thing I find gives me some sense of hope – perhaps God can help or at least help provide me some patience and direction.

I am not sure what to do anymore. I feel the depression is getting worse- and I know it is situational. But how can I improve my situation without finding suitable employment. I feel so lost and desperate and I am regretting some of my choices everyday for they have gotten me to this point. Why can’t I find something that I can be proud of and share my good news with others. It’s hard to be happy for others when I am struggling everyday with just getting through a day without sobbing. I continue to tell myself I am blessed, that I do have a lot, despite wanting more. But I can’t help compare with those that are like me – they are able to get good jobs fast, find friends, lose weight, etc… I know looks are deserving and no one has it all together, but I the more I compare the more I feel myself coming further apart.

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Posted by healing | August 24th, 2014

I want to write about how well I’m doing. I did the laundry, I made a meal. I haven’t done anything bad in over a week. Circumstances are harrowing– would be for anyone. It is objectively difficult, and I am navigating. I’m proud of myself.

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Who put society in charge?

Posted by BarelyBreathing | August 23rd, 2014

Wondering if you have a purpose in life, every night just drives you insane.. Doesn’t it? Feeling like your nothing, because that’s how society makes you feel, awful. Isn’t it? Feeling so alone..and broken.. Think nobody cares about how you feel is such a terrible feeling.. Isn’t it? I have a question. Who put society in charge of everything? Why do they get to tell you who you can be, what to wear, how to act? I didn’t vote for this? Did you? Be yourself. Be who you are. Put that tool down, and appreciate yourself. Stop listening to people who know absolutely nothing. Youre beautiful. I pinky promise. People shouldn’t have to second guess their existence, right?

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two big decisions

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | August 23rd, 2014

I have made a decision. I’m NOT taking my self-harm stuff to college with me this year. And when I do have to come home? I had to make another decision regarding that. I locked my items up. You are probably asking what is the point in doing that? I have already arranged to give the box to someone (I’m the only one who has a key), so that I won’t be tempted when I come home. If I want my box, I have to ask for it, and that person is going to know why I want it. I know, I know, it’s like why don’t I just get rid of my stuff entirely, right? I still can’t bring myself to do that yet. I have spent some time updating my list of alternatives, because I know I am going to get majorly overcome with life stuff and feel as if I will have regretted this. But, if not now, when? Not later, for I would have found some excuse to not make such a step.

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new

Posted by mferrell | August 19th, 2014

I found this site in hopes to stop hurting myself. ¬†I for the first time told my husband everything and even showed him all my injuries I have tried so hard to hide. ¬†I feel now there is no where to go but up and get better. ¬†For some info, ¬†I’m seeing a therapist and have depression, ¬†anxiety, ¬†and borderline personality disorder.

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I can’t figure out what to do

Posted by thatonedepressedperson | August 19th, 2014

So, I met this guy. He’s 23. I’m 16, so I can legally consent. Yes, we’ve had sex, and I have seriously fallen for him. The other night, I was staying at his house, and we were laying there after. He told me he was in love with another girl, and he would end it if he lost her. We were sitting at this woman’s house that I babysit for, and we were talking about everything. I said I would rather have someone I can still physically be with, but talk to about anything, and I wanted it to be him. He said when he went home for a little bit, he was thinking about how this would work for all three of us. I go to school, with the girl, but she doesn’t know about anything. I told him I was okay with everything that’s about to happen, and he left, telling me not to do anything stupid. After a few minutes, I started crying, and I don’t know why, because I am completely fine with everything. But I cried over it, and then I injured. What do I do?? How can I figure this out??

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Anxiety

Posted by barista.steph | August 15th, 2014

I’m feeling pretty desperate today for a relief from my anxiety. Alcohol and drugs don’t work, I’ve tried it. I tried both last night and it made it worse so I stopped. I’m over those things I think. I’ve been waking up about 4am with this paralyzing anxiety every morning. I usually fall back asleep within a couple hours after. Today it’s stuck around all day :( it’s worse now. I took a 15 min break from work now to try to calm down. I feel like it’s a fever breaking, except these always “break” with tears. It’s such a relief when I finally cry from the built up anxiety. I wish I could force that and get it over with. I feel the tightness on my throat when you’re about to cry. All the noises are so loud and the lights are all so bright. My “flight or fight” button is so broken. I am sort of at a loss for what to do. I’ve used all my coping skills, I’ve done everything I know! It’s not working and I feel so alone :( I’m desperate enough to try self harm when I get home but I’m afraid if I do it just this once that I’ll get “hooked” and it will be hard to stop. I’m also afraid I’ll feel ashamed of myself and start that cycle up. It’s probably not worth the risk of either of those things. But even thinking of the process of getting everything ready is calming.

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There is hope, you are not alone

Posted by Pam L. | August 12th, 2014

We are deeply saddened by the death of Robin Williams. When many media reports focus on the issue of suicide, it can often bring up painful memories for suicide loss survivors, and can increase feelings of hopelessness in those who experience depression.

Please remember that you are not alone. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help – but we hope you will remember we ALL need help now and then. Every single life has value.

Please remember to take care of yourself and your loved ones in the coming days. If you or someone you know is struggling please contact the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Please also feel free to share your feelings about this great loss here. ¬†Sometimes, hiding behind the biggest smile, is such great sadness. ¬†We hope you won’t hide your feelings, but that you’ll reach out.

 

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Posted by blueray | August 10th, 2014

I am trying to identify a feeling right now..a feeling that just seems so overwhelming if I don’t do something about it in a constructive way it will end up being destructive. The only way I can label it is severe irritation, anger and worry. Maybe it’s due to the lack of sleep, maybe I am hormonal, or maybe it is just how the events of the world and of my world are. I am depressed about my own situation – feeling worthless and with no direction. But then I get angry at myself for being selfish. Then I see the news and all the sad and scary stories of war, death, fighting, etc. Again, perhaps it is my current mood, but sometimes I can’t help but feel worried for us as human beings on this planet trying to cooperate and be friendly with one another. Why is it so hard to be nice and respectful? It makes me angry, and then I feel my anger directed at those accused of doing horrible things -then I think maybe this is a vicious cycle. But should I not get angry when someone is hurting someone else?

I feel like crying because I almost feel desperate. I am desperate for my own situation, desperate to move forward, desperate for peace. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t been doing much self care lately. Although I seem to lounge about being depressed when I am not working at my part-time job or trying to find another job, I don’t do anything fun anymore. I feel lonely and sad. I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy and that my time should be spent working harder to improve my situation.

I don’t know where I am going with this post. I just needed to get these thoughts out. I can feel the lump in my throat that you get before the sobbing starts. I just need to forget things for awhile and not worry.

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Posted by healing | August 6th, 2014

Just sort of need to write it all out. Yesterday my therapist reminded me that I’ve had times like this before– times where I am not with the program– going off the rails– not keeping safe. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Mostly that he reminded me of a specific episode that was really rough and he said it just ended. That it doesn’t go away right away– it may take a few weeks– but it has always ended before. That feels like a big deal. That this isn’t just the new forever state. Some things feel upsetting– like now I’m back on medication that adversely effects me in other ways, but I’m stabilizing, I think. And I’m wondering why this happens to me. The trigger was really clear. I know that stressor that kicked it off. So, I don’t mean why does it happen that way– but why does it happen in a big way– like who am I? Why did it make me feel a bit scared when I wrote that I am stabilizing? The “reward” of not being able to take care of things would be having my outside help to keep someone away from me, who I am much healthier being away from, but whom I feel serious obligation to. But my finger is still on the button. Yesterday too I got really clear that my therapist was there, ready to make a phone call that would say to authorities that this is what I need. That soothes me, very, very much. It’s a out. I’m thinking now about how you push down the button a bit before taking a photo– to let the camera focus. I sent an email today that let someone know that situation was bad, that he was ready to call and that felt like pushing the button half way. My needs vs others needs….. I guess the si thing really came in when I was freaked out about being hurt or exasperated so hurt in the that way by the needs of someone else. This is the first time I’ve been here. Now I’m thinking about facebook. I’m thinking about reading about people taking about it and its role in their lives and I’m feeling guilty that I don’t feel the draw toward it that so many people do– guilty I guess about being introverted– which I’m equating with selfish at this moment. I have to totally back off the decision making for this person– there’s a judge now and I want to turn all deciding over to her. Also, there are social services people and they are slow and not so invested, but I’m better off letting them do things that I could do better and quicker– because if I’m cracking it really isn’t better. Also, I’m not trying to get this person to spend time with me right now, though I think that is what healthy would look like. But it’s not healthy for me. And I totally take a pass on doing anything that isn’t based on just what is best for me. Tomorrow I get an old case manager that I was attached to back. And I get to return a phone call to a new, more intensive level of other vague services that I don’t understand yet. I’m going to have to make sure I don’t get overrun in what they ask of me– I want them to just call my therapist. I feel so bad, like I’m being manipulative or something if I say– which I’ve never really said to anyone– I am falling apart. I can’t manage and you can’t put any single straw more on me because I will not be able to cope. I feel so much like– or think– this is a thinking problem, not a feeling problem– the thinking problem is that I seem to be believing that if I communicate that my mental health needs to be factored in I am a bad person– mentally ill– defunct– invalid. And since I’m invalid I should just be ignored and I am just trying to manipulate by saying I am about to crack. I think that I have no right to change the environment– I am the one who should change. I should change the way I feel and I should certainly change the way I have been behaving. I just haven’t always been caring. I have been trying, then slipping. It really has been more than I can do by myself to keep safe. I’ve had help from my therapist– bless him. I’ve never seen him in a pose that isn’t unusual for me– hands (open palms) pressed to the sides of his head. I keep thinking about having seen that. I don’t know if he knew I was looking bc I mostly wasn’t look at him and I had my face in my hands– but it feels so curious that he did that. I feel a little relieved to have stressed him… I am trying not to judge that. So, I’m getting these other forms of help tomorrow. If there are snags I will feel hopeless. And I have let a lawyer know that I am not well. I want to say things like why can’t I do what other people do– but, actually, this is not a common situation. People don’t actually go around dealing with this sort of stuff all the time and for the most part I handle it like a champ. Right now I just can’t work on it. What I want is to make someone else the decider, which the judge sort of is but a lot is based on what I want. I’m no longer… or, right now… not capable of doing the preliminary thinking. The case manager I like has seen things over the years in a couple small doses. I want him to be the preliminary decider whos judgement is brought to the judge in place of my own. I have made errors in the past by turning things over to others- not sure if this is that sort of situation. I wish I could sign legal power of attorney over to him…… What I need to recall is that there is no special plan for me– no force that has things fated for me to get really hurt. And I need to remember that pleasure and happiness are not bad or shameful. And I need to remember that every time I try and apply myself to a current issue around this person I loose it- so I need to just stop doing it.

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