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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

I am Ready to Explode

Posted by msfratelli | January 25th, 2015

So much has happened in so little time. Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy. Everything is just piling up on top of me and I’m suffocating. Had midterms this week, I started sobbing and hyperventilating in my mom’s car and she called my therapist (while I begged her not to), my old GAL died and I miss him so much, I went to his wake and cried in front of people I didn’t know, I met his family and they cried too when they heard he was my guardian, I cried some more for the rest of the ride home, I got physically sick on the second day of exams and I laid in a fetal position on my bathroom floor for a half an hour waiting to just get sick already, I finished my midterms and my Spanish grade went down and I now have my first C as a final grade ever, I saw my therapist and my mom told her how I panicked in her car and about my GAL dying and I cried again, my therapist now wants to see me every two weeks instead of monthly, my dad is still a horrible human being, and I still have to deal with him and all of his emailing junk, I’ve been fighting with my brother, I got really frustrated and sobbed on my kitchen floor by myself, and throughout all of this I have not hurt myself and I have not talked to anybody about anything that’s happening because I don’t like crying in front of people. I’m ready to drop dead.

I still haven’t told Mr. Blue about my self harm, but I want desperately to email him right now and just confess everything. Then again, it’s like 4:00AM and that would be suuuper annoying. I have nobody to talk to and nowhere to get out this ridiculous pent up everything-ness. Every time I find myself alone with nobody but me, I just have to stew in my self-hatred. I want it to go away. I want everything to go away and I want to magically teleport to a world where my mom is happy and her back doesn’t hurt and my dad gone and so is his gold digging wife and I don’t have to see them and twitch in the days leading up to visits and injure and cry for no reason and tell nobody and where everybody is just HAPPY.

Life isn’t fair. My mom used to tell me that all the time and it made me so mad because I KNOW. I had to go from the misery at my dad’s house to my mom’s house where we had no heat and hot water and share my room with my evil ex-stepsister and get treated lousy by her and her father and still smile and tell my mom I love her because I do and life isn’t fair to her either. I don’t even know what the point of what I’m saying is but it just keeps coming out and I just keep getting more and more upset because I’m realizing that nobody ever worries about how I’m doing when that’s all I do for everybody else.¬†Thats not even true and I don’t even mean it because tons of people care about me and it’s not their fault I don’t take care of myself, but I’m just SO FRUSTRATED. Nobody hears my words! It’s like I’m screaming into a sea of the deaf waiting for a response. This is the only place I really feel anybody’s listening.

This is all my father’s fault. This is exactly how he wants me to feel and it’s working because he’s good at what he does. ¬†He unravels people. He finds a loose thread and he just keeps pulling and pulling and pulling until you’re nothing but a pile of yarn for him to manipulate into whatever he pleases. I hate him. I am nothing to him. I am a puppet he can poke at to hurt my mom. It’s like not even having a dad at all.

I’m not even mad I feel fatherless, I’ve had my whole life to get past that feeling; I’m mad he’s still messing with my life. If he doesn’t love me, what right does he have to sit in front of me and lie to my face and say he does? If he was never involved in my life other than to hurt me, why does he still have the right to tell me he’d do anything for me and then refuse to to take an HOUR out of his Saturday ONCE a month because he has “other commitments”?? HOW DOES HE EVEN KNOW HE HAS PLANS EVERY SECOND SATURDAY FOR EVERY MONTH? HE DOESN’T, THATS HOW. I bet his “other commitments” include skiing in his vacation house he bought with my brother and I’s college funds.

I hate him so much and all of the events of the late have just stirred up this anger I’ve been carrying for so long and I have nowhere to put it. I want to hurt myself so badly. Every time I’m alone with myself I’m crawling out of my skin. I have nothing else to say but I don’t feel much better. I just feel more angry than I did before I started writing and more tired with everything around me. I wish I could disappear.

 

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New to all this (Not to the self injury but talking about it)

Posted by Kyssarya | January 21st, 2015

Hi Everyone

Not sure where to start or what to say. It bothers me to talk about this because I have this fear of being crazy, of being judged and looked down on for what I do. ¬†I’m 42 yr old female single no children that moved back home and live with my mom. ¬†My dad unexpectedly dropped dead at home in his computer chair on June 11 2014. ¬†The self injury has become more noticeable to me lately, I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I take plenty of meds for it so it’s under control for the most part, I also have some OCD habits so that definitely doesn’t help things.

I had to stop and go back and delete what I was writing, I started to go into to much details. ¬†My first recollection of self harm was in the 3rd grade. ¬†The way I injure, ¬†I’ll just leave it at that but its pretty severe at times. I’ve never really known why I started, I’m thinking it’s the anxiety. Tonight I was at it again when it dawned on me that I need to stop. I’ve stopped before for a while but never for long. ¬†I don’t know if I can stop, but I thought I would try this and see if it helped. I’ve never talked to anyone else before who understood where I was coming from.

I’m open to any and all ideas and thoughts, I’ll also answer any questions as honestly as I can, I just don’t know how far I can go because I don’t want to write anything that would be a trigger. ¬†How does anyone stop? just looking for some insight. Thanks for listening, that means a lot as I’m sure you understand. I hope everyone has a great day and week. I’ll check back in later.

TTYL

Kyssarya

1 Comment »

fighting urges

Posted by crazycasie3 | January 20th, 2015

I’m really struggling to not self harm. I haven’t done it in 7 weeks and I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin, I also have an eating disorder and have been trying to take better care of myself. ¬†I’m in recovery from a drug addiction and I feel like I have no outlet that will make me feel better right now. I don’t want to journal. I just want to feel something different and injuring does that for me

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so i literally just found this website

Posted by megan_123 | January 20th, 2015

Hi I’m not sure where to begin. I just found this website. I’ve been SI since June 2014 due to past traumas, home issues and I was in a unhealthy relationship and it was a way to cope. A lot of things have changed since I started. I have had 3 bumps in the road since then and I recently have decided to try to quit. I’ve been I think 3 days clean. I’ve spent the last hour and a half on google trying to find healthy coping skills. I’m not sure what will actually work. Does anyone have any suggestions that have worked for them.

1 Comment »

wondering how to begin

Posted by deenee | January 16th, 2015

I found out that my daughter has been injuring for almost a year.¬† She had signs this week that my husband noticed.¬† This is a shock to us.¬† My daughter has been seeming a counselor for bullying in and out of school from a group of ex-friends.¬† We thought it was best to put her in a place where she may feel comfortable speaking to someone about her sadness on this situation.¬† She found new friends, but now found out they were injuring as well.¬† It seems to be a small group, finding this is the thing to help them out.¬† I am frightened, sad, horrified and just lost on the next steps.¬† My husband and I are on different pages for how to handle this and he is ready to “check out” and not deal with it.¬† I am uncertain on the next steps to help my family pull together on this.¬† Her brother also found out (he’s 11 and she’s 15) and is scared for her and the family right now.

What in addition to the counseling she is in can I do?

 

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Research Study for Adolescent and Young Adult Women with Self-Injury

Posted by NSSIStudy | January 16th, 2015

Do you hurt yourself intentionally?  Have you ever hurt your body on purpose when you felt upset?  Do you live close to the New York City area?

If so, you may be eligible for a research study aimed at understanding self-injury in adolescents and young adults.  Researchers at Columbia University Medical Center (New York, NY) are recruiting female adolescents and young adults (13 to 25 years old) who have engaged in non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI).  For teens under 18 years of age, parent or guardian permission is required.  Between $100-120 compensation will be provided for 3-4 hours of your time.

Purpose of the Study: We hope to learn more about the differences in the brain that may lead to self-injury in adolescence and young adulthood.  These findings may help us develop new, better treatments for NSSI.

What Would Participation Require:  Participation will involve a brief phone screening (to determine eligibility) and an in-person visit to the New York State Psychiatric Institute MRI Unit that will take about 3-4 hours.  The study visit includes three steps: 1) interviews and surveys, 2) games and puzzles, and 3) an MRI scan lasting approximately 1.5 hours.  There are no known adverse effects of having an MRI.  MRI is a safe type of imaging that allows us to take pictures of the brain.

Compensation: Up to $120 will be provided for participation.  Treatment referrals will also be provided to those who would like help for their NSSI.

Interested? Have questions?  For more information, please call 646-774-5720, or email labouli@nyspi.columbia.edu.  All inquiries are confidential.

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Lost

Posted by -daelyn- | January 13th, 2015

I haven’t been on this blog in probably over a year. I’m starting to really struggle again because I’m having a hard time working through what’s happened to me. I’m such a passive person that I have a really hard time standing up for myself. That’s why I can’t ever say no. No matter how badly I want to say ‘stop’ or ‘no’ I can’t. I just freeze up and can’t do it. That’s how the assaults happened. I know that people tell you that it’s not the victim’s fault but I feel like somehow it is my fault. How does one person manage to get assaulted three times in less than six months? Not being able to say no is really killing me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I couldn’t even tell anyone about the latest assault. When it happened yesterday I considered going to the hospital to let them do a rape kit but I just couldn’t get myself to do that again. I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t go through it again. I feel so trapped. I need to be able to talk about what happened but I can’t. I couldn’t even tell the guy that I’m basically dating and I tell him everything. I don’t know what to do now.

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Struggling father

Posted by mountainsight | January 13th, 2015

We discovered the SI 4 years ago.  She attended S.A.F.E. two years ago and it was a big help.  She SI much less often now and has gone sometimes for months a at time being safe.

I just came back  from dropping off supper and medication for my daughter.  She is 19 and she has her own apartment now.

I went into her apartment and we talked for quite a while about several things that I wanted to tell her.
Among them,
finding a new therapist to help her with her OCD. etc.
Being safe on her upcoming trip. Travelling alone.  Safe from others.
Being safe so that she isn’t sorry afterwards – keeping herself safe…
etc, etc.
I asked if she would please put on a sweater because it is hard for me to look at her arms after SI. ¬†Basically she refused. ¬†”It is my apartment and I can do what I like…”
I am cringing. How can I be a father to her???.. I can’t take it. ¬†A beautiful girl self mutilating…

1 Comment »

Still Around!

Posted by Denise | January 12th, 2015

My name is Denise it’s been a really long time since I’ve written anything, but today I found myself wanting to give it all up.¬† My road to becoming was paved with the thorns without the roses, the downs without any ups and being stuck and deciding 100% of the time not wanting anymore because it seemed as time went on I needed to do things my way so no one would say I’m a failure by having a Therapist or Psychiatrist.¬† About 2-3 years ago I decided it’s time to do a psychological change of where I used to live so I start, but I was still self-injuring while doing things like throwing out all my triggers, etc.¬†¬† About 4-5 years ago I had a chance to move out of my old place and make a fresh start, but felt it wasn’t worth it at any cost.¬† Since that time I have move into an apartment that I’m actually happy to call HOME it’s still hard, but now I have a lot more support around me and next month on the 5th will be 2yrs since I’ve hurt myself and I know it’s a huge step because I’ve never been able to go 1 day or 1 week without doing something.¬† Life is still hard because even as a recovering self injurer you always wonder what will tomorrow bring.¬† I also want to let you know I went through the program and graduated August 2008) and I want to say to all the staff members who were there “THANKS FOR BEING THERE.”

I just want to say to all with the right environment, support like friends, therapist and psychiatrist it is possible and just getting rid of all triggers slowly, but surely I’m not saying it’s a quick fix it took time for me, but it was a start.¬† I want to wish all of the staff and anyone who may know me from the program “A HAPPY BELATED NEW YEARS.”

 

 

1 Comment »

Am I alone?

Posted by davis40330 | January 10th, 2015

I am 43 and have been “hurting” myself for probably 30 years, regularly. Why can’t I stop?

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