ShareThisIn the past two days, I’ve noticed that more than seventy percent of the time I’m faking my smile. That terrifies me to death, that’s how I was before I started to s.i. What if I lose control? I’ve only been clean for seven weeks. I’m so scared. I’m too hard on myself, I can’t trust myself, I hate myself, I have no faith in myself. Why would I not relapse? I’m just a huge mess and I have no idea why. I feel so incredibly alone at school, you have no idea. I have no friends, they all moved or just stopped talking to me. Nobody likes me. Why bother staying clean? The only person who I know cares is my counselor. How pathetic is that? I’m hopeless. I’m unhappy. I’m craving.
Really someone to talk to
Posted by holly6808 September 1st, 2010I’m not really sure what to say. I graduated from safe in 2008 and my life has been great. My daughter came back to live with me and I have a beautiful month old granddaughter that I get to take care of and she is the light of my life! I even went back to school and it is going great. So tell me why I feel lousy and all I want to do is cry! I have been having thoughts of SI and i haven’t had those in over 2 year. My life is good not perfect but good so why do I feel like this? Does anybody have any ideas?
I hate myself.
Posted by symbah September 1st, 2010I had my first day of school today and I made me think a lot. Which made me more anxious, emotional, and reckless. All things that don’t lead to good things. I struggle with several different addictions, all you could call self-injurious addictions. I hate my body, I feel so ugly and fat. Which makes me want to do things to hurt my body, punish myself for being who I am and the way I am. I can’t diet or eat the right way to save my life. I just want to be skinny. That’s all I want. I’m willing to do anything to be skinny. I hate myself so much that I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore, clothes or no clothes. I just disgust myself and all I want to do when I look at myself is injure. I lost track of my injuring. All I want right now is to fall back into all of my addictions. I feel like lying and sneaking around to do it because I know everyone around me is tired of me since I’ve been dealing with this for almost four years, actually yeah, four years now. Wow, I really hate myself.
Heartache
Posted by Pimsikins August 31st, 2010My love. You made me feel so safe. Is that why I lived in denial so long? You were constantly trying to convince me that you were deeply and utterly in love with me. Countless times you told me I was your only one. I was the sun lighting your world and without me you would be nothing but an empty shell residing in eternal darkness. Did you think that I wouldn’t eventually fall into belief of your lies? Had you really convinced yourself that you felt that way about me? All the while denying the truth your heart was trying so desperately to tell you, I’m sure. I would really like to know.
Not knowing, not understanding why, is the hardest part. You don’t know what opinions to form about the situation because you don’t even know the cause of the damage. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I still don’t. The confusion is suffocating; the pain, intoxicating. You barely survive the torment of dwelling on the matter and yet you’re constantly asking for more. Nobody is able to save you. The only rescue would be a love that doesn’t break you, but you’ve blocked yourself off from that possibility. You have grown cold in an instant, your heart turned to stone. You become so guarded that you would commit emotional murder before letting someone get within a thousand miles of the place it used to beat.
A true survivor of heartbreak is someone who accepts that they will never find love, real unconditional love, and comes to peace with that.
The words of “comfort” from friends and family are the worst. They are supposed to be the people that truly care about your well being, and yet with every word that leaves their mouths comes the recognition that they’re formed simply to accept things long enough for you to become another persons burden. To make you say, “Yes, everything is okay.” Everything is NOT okay. Sometimes you have to stand with someone for hours, even days, before they come down from the ledge.
Of course, that’s assuming they’re even down that path with you. Sometimes you can give people an abundance of signs of your emotional instability and they remain completely and utterly ignorant to your inner turmoil. Worse yet, they may simply not care enough to get involved.This puts them on the same page as the person who’s shattered your heart into a million little pieces. It’s a wonder if they realize how much they contribute to your pain, how much they accentuate it.
This heartache is seasoned with music. Melodies of something nearly obtained. Something foolish; something that never really was. They say that if you keep focusing on the pain that it just makes it worse, but where else is there to go when that’s the only puzzle that fits your piece?
I would rather drown in blissful ignorance than shoulder this pain for a second more.
When you take off the mask to your soul only to discover that your love no longer wishes to see, it does something to you. Something irreversible. Instead of simply taking secrets to your grave, you subconsciously vow to yourself to take your heart to your grave as well. In a way you end up perpetuating a cycle of heartbreak. You would never be cruel enough to offer false promises of eternal love, but you become unemotional to your casualties. In the end it’s a double-edged sword. You become unspeakably strong, but you will never again feel the intoxicating high of the lie that is love.
a better person
Posted by penguin0833 August 30th, 2010as strange as this may sound but the truth is SIing made me a better a person. i look at things diffrently.for example i used to think people to did drugs were bad people but i know now that everyone has problems and diffrent ways of dealing them. using dosent make you a bad person judging without knowing makes you a bad person
i wanna talk to you
Posted by penguin0833 August 30th, 2010i started to like you in eigth grade and now we are in ninth grade u know i like you and you said you liked me
you asked me out but we never talked to you in real life only on facebook and we lasted only for one day
i wanna talk to you so bad but im not the same person you think you know
i dont wanna talk to you cause i might accidentally tell you everything i SI, my mom abuses me physically and mentally
i dont wanna give you any worries but most of all i dont wanna talk to you cause im afraid that you might not worry at all
i dont know why i still believe you like me, we are in ninth grade and there are so many gorgeous girls in the school so why would you still like me?
Posted by C. August 29th, 2010
All I can think about is SI. Part of me wants to go to the counseling services here at school but I am sick and tired of hearing the same thing over and over. Why would I want to sit and listen to someone who is paid to listen to people complain tell me things over and over that I already know. I already write in a journal. No one needs to tell me that what I do is not a safe or effective way to deal with my feelings. I don’t need someone to jump to conclusions and admit me to the hospital. I have things I need to get done. But its getting really frustrating not having anyone to talk to. No one understands. And even if i did think someone here would understand I dont think i could tell anyone and be confident that they wouldnt spread it around. I am just sick and tired of all of this. I am so fed up…..
My first -story-
Posted by LetsStartARiot August 29th, 2010My mom found out I S.I about maybe 3 months ago. She has already delt with this before. But she has done nothing to stop me, she just dropped the topic. I set dates to try and stop, I’m scared I will never be able to.
mask
Posted by penguin0833 August 28th, 2010i never get mad when people notice my scar and dont realize that i SI why? because im such a good liar and ome up with the best excuses. how could they suspect a thing?
My 1st “post” !
Posted by Judy August 28th, 2010I hope that I am doing this correctly !!!! I am really anxios rught now , so please excuse any spelling errors . TY !
Just one question to start – is anybody out there my age -44 ? I completed the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program all the way back in March 2001 . I am feeling “old” ! Judy