S.A.F.E. ALTERNATIVES®

It’s been 3 months since I went to the SAFE program and I have to say July is becoming the more difficult month than the first two.  My therapist just had a baby and we have had to stop therapy for 2 months.  I’m in the middle of preparing to move about an hour and a half away from where I’ve lived the past four years.  And my medication has become an issue.  First it was Effexor xr 300mg but some strange side effects emerged and I was brought down to 150 mg ( not tapered ) and spent a week and a half crying at least an hour a day ( one day 4 hours ).  At which point I decided I couldn’t take another depression right now and the risks didnt outweigh the benefits so I brought it back up to 300mg to preserve my sanity.

So here I am preparing to undergo outpatient surgery right before I move out of state with my two children trying not to be depressed and trying to cope with my urges to SI even without seeing my therapist twice a week.  And so far I have managed to cope and I have managed to not SI which means in two days I will have 3 months SI free.  It’s times like these that I wish I still felt I had the choice to SI and my thoughts seem plagued with images of . . . to avoid being graphic . .  self injury. 
And yet I find myself reaching out rather than inward and taking time for myself as needed.  I’m a little discouraged but somehow still strong underneath it all.  And while im trying to juggle my mind and my life and my heart I have to say I’m doing a damn good job of keeping it together. 
So here’s to another month SI free and heres to hoping I have plenty more to come.

Your life is what you make it.
You can’t fake it and get by.
Your choices are your own.
Do you have to ask me why?
Because I used to be afraid of every choice that I had made.
Every consequence presented, every scar that wouldn’t fade.
And I used to try and hide from every fear I held inside.
Every pain trapped in my head and every single time I lied.

With great struggle it all turned.
To challenge my distortions was the best thing that I learned.
And to face the pain assisted.
Like an answer to my prayers, the burden slowly lifted.
And today I’m taking time.
To relax with special friends and offer you this rhyme.

I don’t know how many times I can say thank you to everyone at the SAFE program.  I barely felt alive before I went there.  And there’s not a day that has gone by sine I left that I don’t see the change in me and feel the life in me.  Even when I was crying last week.  It was uncomfortable but I knew it couldn’t last forever.  And I let myself cry.  Even in front of my friends and neighbors and ex’s and children who all happened to be hanging around that week.

When you want something badly enough, the whole Universe conspires to help you.
I wanted to find healing.  And every day I find another way to do that. 

This is the painful progression of healing.
The process of living while slowly revealing.

Sadie Mae

I really don’t accept my scars when I am in public, I mean - I hate them.  I don’t like them showing and I don’t like talking about them.  I am so ashamed of them… and my scars are getting older and older, but I still can’t seem to accept them.  Around myself I am fine, but I am too embarrassed about what others will say or think or say if they see them.  I don’t like it when people ask questions and make comments. 

Does anyone know of any way to learn to become more accepting of scars?  I’m in recovery for the most part and I want to start living my life, but I feel like these stupid scars are holding me back.

i was lesburg and i was waiting to se emy pscitrist and my ex boyfriend friend was making fun of me cause use to S.I. he was acting if he S.I. his self and called me crazy and stupid i hate it i havent S.I. in month and make me feel horrible like trash. like im nothinfg deserving of life. i just hate myself i dont no what to do

I was not part of S.A.F.E, but I’m placing it in the Alumni because I feel that is where it belongs.I’m writing this because I fell like I need to get it off my chest and so that maybe someone can read it one day.When I was 15 years old, my life was terrible, I’ve never been popular and life was difficult. I was bullied and unhappy. I don’t know what my initial motivations for S.I. were; it seemed like all the rage back then. And in a way it helped during the darker times.I believe I was 16 at the time, I was on a school trip to France, we would do education during the day and then we were free during the evenings. Unbeknown to our teachers, we would go into the bars and get drunk. This was the first time I had had alcohol and as any stupid teen I drank a bit more than I could probably handle.I went back to my room and my room-mates were already there, I can’t say the alcohol had a positive effect on my mood and I was suddenly struck with the urge to S.I. As I S.I. one of my room-mates became interested and asked why I was doing it. I can’t remember what I said but the next thing he said I remember clearly; “I dare you to S.I. really deep”.For a time I hated him for saying something like that rather than helping me, I don’t know if I was consciously crying out for help or if it was an automatic response. At the time the world seemed almost grey, withered and dead. I didn’t feel alive any more, and so didn’t have any qualms about dying.A thought struck me, “What if I regret it? What if I remember what its like to be alive, only to die?”I curled my arm up, placed the blade against my forearm, pressed hard and drew my blade away quickly.I expected pain, I expected blood, I expected agony and death. But nothing came. I relaxed my arm it started to bleed, I felt sick to my stomach. I went to the toilet and made an impromptu band-aid with toilet paper and used the stretchy sleeve of my mandatory teen hoodie as a compression bandage.I tried sleeping but my mind was racing, it all seemed so surreal.The next day there was something different about the world, it was no longer grey but had instead taken on a slightly orange hue. I realised that my depressions, the sadness and loneliness that I felt were only products of my thoughts and emotions.The 6 years since then has been the happiest of my life because I chose them to be. My mother cried when she saw it, I kept it hidden for a while but it is quite big, one day I will tell her that I love her but that the scar saved my life and serves as a reminder.Although depressions and loneliness still grips me from time to time I reach for she smooth part on my arm where I can no longer feel the touch of my own finger and I’m reminded that I am still alive, and that it is ultimately my choice to be happy.Happily ever after,Bjorn

alright. ive been struggling with self injury for about three years. my friends mostly know about my problem, as most of them found out in a very public way (during lunch somebody pointed it out and basically said to everybody “look she S.I. herself!”) which was really shameful and embarrassing for me. before school let out, i hurt myself pretty badly. nothing i couldn’t take care of on my own, but it left some nasty scars and was the worst i had ever S.I.. it really scared me, and i decided once and for all it had to end. its been a month and a half since i decided that, and im not sure what to do next. im fairly confident that i won’t be dealing with it anymore, but i still don’t know if i should seek other help. it really scares me to admit that i would need help, and i would have to tell my parents. but basically, even though i think i am over this, and through with it once and for all, should i still consider professional help?  

I’m brand new to this site. What mostly made me join is that I have been S.I myself for about five years now. I was doing good because I have a very supportive boyfriend but now he’s away at basic and I’ve S.I.  quite a bit. So I guess I just needed some place to talk to people who understand where I am coming from and how difficult it is to stop.thanks for reading-Diana-

I’m totally new at this blogging thing, but I really need some support from people who understand what i’m going through, my family loves me but…well, they just don’t understand and can’t do any more than they are. I’m 16 years old and I live in Utah, I haven’t self-injured in three years, but I still have the desire…need to. I realized a while ago that part of the reason I still have to fight so hard is because I never dealt with the issues that started me S.I. in the first place. if anybody has any advice I’d very much appreciate it.

I must say ive been a “S.I” for going on 5 years now and i never told anyone because i was scared that they would think that im crazy.. but last night i almost went along with killing my self….. i got so scared that i had to tell my mother…. now she think its her fault and shes cryin and now its making me want to S.I. my self again!!! I really dont know what to do at this point. because no one around me understand how it feels to S.I. myself when i am hurting from pain…. I jus wish i could understand this whole thing you know??

I’m about to lose my-self again. I stopped S.I. about six months ago and the urge went away for awhile, but the past few months I just can’t concentrait on anything, but the pain that came rushing back to me. I give so many people advice, but i’m never able to give my-self advice. I need help, but I can’t go to anybody. I think I’m actually scared to have a relapse. T_T 

I’ve been injuring myself on and off for a year now. I know that’s probably nothing to a lot of you, but it has been a struggle for me. I feel like other people don’t take this problem seriously. Also, I am dealing with a break up and going to college in a few months, and I feel that being alone in a big city will trigger things much worse than making myself bleed. I haven’t told anyone except for a few close friends. They don’t understand how much I really love harming myself. I have a really great therapist, but i’ve just started to see her and i don’t trust her enough to tell her. I hope everyone else is doing ok.