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This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

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Posted by mferrell | August 19th, 2014

I found this site in hopes to stop hurting myself. ¬†I for the first time told my husband everything and even showed him all my injuries I have tried so hard to hide. ¬†I feel now there is no where to go but up and get better. ¬†For some info, ¬†I’m seeing a therapist and have depression, ¬†anxiety, ¬†and borderline personality disorder.

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I can’t figure out what to do

Posted by thatonedepressedperson | August 19th, 2014

So, I met this guy. He’s 23. I’m 16, so I can legally consent. Yes, we’ve had sex, and I have seriously fallen for him. The other night, I was staying at his house, and we were laying there after. He told me he was in love with another girl, and he would end it if he lost her. We were sitting at this woman’s house that I babysit for, and we were talking about everything. I said I would rather have someone I can still physically be with, but talk to about anything, and I wanted it to be him. He said when he went home for a little bit, he was thinking about how this would work for all three of us. I go to school, with the girl, but she doesn’t know about anything. I told him I was okay with everything that’s about to happen, and he left, telling me not to do anything stupid. After a few minutes, I started crying, and I don’t know why, because I am completely fine with everything. But I cried over it, and then I injured. What do I do?? How can I figure this out??

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Anxiety

Posted by barista.steph | August 15th, 2014

I’m feeling pretty desperate today for a relief from my anxiety. Alcohol and drugs don’t work, I’ve tried it. I tried both last night and it made it worse so I stopped. I’m over those things I think. I’ve been waking up about 4am with this paralyzing anxiety every morning. I usually fall back asleep within a couple hours after. Today it’s stuck around all day :( it’s worse now. I took a 15 min break from work now to try to calm down. I feel like it’s a fever breaking, except these always “break” with tears. It’s such a relief when I finally cry from the built up anxiety. I wish I could force that and get it over with. I feel the tightness on my throat when you’re about to cry. All the noises are so loud and the lights are all so bright. My “flight or fight” button is so broken. I am sort of at a loss for what to do. I’ve used all my coping skills, I’ve done everything I know! It’s not working and I feel so alone :( I’m desperate enough to try self harm when I get home but I’m afraid if I do it just this once that I’ll get “hooked” and it will be hard to stop. I’m also afraid I’ll feel ashamed of myself and start that cycle up. It’s probably not worth the risk of either of those things. But even thinking of the process of getting everything ready is calming.

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There is hope, you are not alone

Posted by Pam L. | August 12th, 2014

We are deeply saddened by the death of Robin Williams. When many media reports focus on the issue of suicide, it can often bring up painful memories for suicide loss survivors, and can increase feelings of hopelessness in those who experience depression.

Please remember that you are not alone. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help – but we hope you will remember we ALL need help now and then. Every single life has value.

Please remember to take care of yourself and your loved ones in the coming days. If you or someone you know is struggling please contact the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Please also feel free to share your feelings about this great loss here. ¬†Sometimes, hiding behind the biggest smile, is such great sadness. ¬†We hope you won’t hide your feelings, but that you’ll reach out.

 

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Posted by blueray | August 10th, 2014

I am trying to identify a feeling right now..a feeling that just seems so overwhelming if I don’t do something about it in a constructive way it will end up being destructive. The only way I can label it is severe irritation, anger and worry. Maybe it’s due to the lack of sleep, maybe I am hormonal, or maybe it is just how the events of the world and of my world are. I am depressed about my own situation – feeling worthless and with no direction. But then I get angry at myself for being selfish. Then I see the news and all the sad and scary stories of war, death, fighting, etc. Again, perhaps it is my current mood, but sometimes I can’t help but feel worried for us as human beings on this planet trying to cooperate and be friendly with one another. Why is it so hard to be nice and respectful? It makes me angry, and then I feel my anger directed at those accused of doing horrible things -then I think maybe this is a vicious cycle. But should I not get angry when someone is hurting someone else?

I feel like crying because I almost feel desperate. I am desperate for my own situation, desperate to move forward, desperate for peace. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t been doing much self care lately. Although I seem to lounge about being depressed when I am not working at my part-time job or trying to find another job, I don’t do anything fun anymore. I feel lonely and sad. I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy and that my time should be spent working harder to improve my situation.

I don’t know where I am going with this post. I just needed to get these thoughts out. I can feel the lump in my throat that you get before the sobbing starts. I just need to forget things for awhile and not worry.

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Posted by healing | August 6th, 2014

Just sort of need to write it all out. Yesterday my therapist reminded me that I’ve had times like this before– times where I am not with the program– going off the rails– not keeping safe. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Mostly that he reminded me of a specific episode that was really rough and he said it just ended. That it doesn’t go away right away– it may take a few weeks– but it has always ended before. That feels like a big deal. That this isn’t just the new forever state. Some things feel upsetting– like now I’m back on medication that adversely effects me in other ways, but I’m stabilizing, I think. And I’m wondering why this happens to me. The trigger was really clear. I know that stressor that kicked it off. So, I don’t mean why does it happen that way– but why does it happen in a big way– like who am I? Why did it make me feel a bit scared when I wrote that I am stabilizing? The “reward” of not being able to take care of things would be having my outside help to keep someone away from me, who I am much healthier being away from, but whom I feel serious obligation to. But my finger is still on the button. Yesterday too I got really clear that my therapist was there, ready to make a phone call that would say to authorities that this is what I need. That soothes me, very, very much. It’s a out. I’m thinking now about how you push down the button a bit before taking a photo– to let the camera focus. I sent an email today that let someone know that situation was bad, that he was ready to call and that felt like pushing the button half way. My needs vs others needs….. I guess the si thing really came in when I was freaked out about being hurt or exasperated so hurt in the that way by the needs of someone else. This is the first time I’ve been here. Now I’m thinking about facebook. I’m thinking about reading about people taking about it and its role in their lives and I’m feeling guilty that I don’t feel the draw toward it that so many people do– guilty I guess about being introverted– which I’m equating with selfish at this moment. I have to totally back off the decision making for this person– there’s a judge now and I want to turn all deciding over to her. Also, there are social services people and they are slow and not so invested, but I’m better off letting them do things that I could do better and quicker– because if I’m cracking it really isn’t better. Also, I’m not trying to get this person to spend time with me right now, though I think that is what healthy would look like. But it’s not healthy for me. And I totally take a pass on doing anything that isn’t based on just what is best for me. Tomorrow I get an old case manager that I was attached to back. And I get to return a phone call to a new, more intensive level of other vague services that I don’t understand yet. I’m going to have to make sure I don’t get overrun in what they ask of me– I want them to just call my therapist. I feel so bad, like I’m being manipulative or something if I say– which I’ve never really said to anyone– I am falling apart. I can’t manage and you can’t put any single straw more on me because I will not be able to cope. I feel so much like– or think– this is a thinking problem, not a feeling problem– the thinking problem is that I seem to be believing that if I communicate that my mental health needs to be factored in I am a bad person– mentally ill– defunct– invalid. And since I’m invalid I should just be ignored and I am just trying to manipulate by saying I am about to crack. I think that I have no right to change the environment– I am the one who should change. I should change the way I feel and I should certainly change the way I have been behaving. I just haven’t always been caring. I have been trying, then slipping. It really has been more than I can do by myself to keep safe. I’ve had help from my therapist– bless him. I’ve never seen him in a pose that isn’t unusual for me– hands (open palms) pressed to the sides of his head. I keep thinking about having seen that. I don’t know if he knew I was looking bc I mostly wasn’t look at him and I had my face in my hands– but it feels so curious that he did that. I feel a little relieved to have stressed him… I am trying not to judge that. So, I’m getting these other forms of help tomorrow. If there are snags I will feel hopeless. And I have let a lawyer know that I am not well. I want to say things like why can’t I do what other people do– but, actually, this is not a common situation. People don’t actually go around dealing with this sort of stuff all the time and for the most part I handle it like a champ. Right now I just can’t work on it. What I want is to make someone else the decider, which the judge sort of is but a lot is based on what I want. I’m no longer… or, right now… not capable of doing the preliminary thinking. The case manager I like has seen things over the years in a couple small doses. I want him to be the preliminary decider whos judgement is brought to the judge in place of my own. I have made errors in the past by turning things over to others- not sure if this is that sort of situation. I wish I could sign legal power of attorney over to him…… What I need to recall is that there is no special plan for me– no force that has things fated for me to get really hurt. And I need to remember that pleasure and happiness are not bad or shameful. And I need to remember that every time I try and apply myself to a current issue around this person I loose it- so I need to just stop doing it.

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Hello, My Old Friend

Posted by Kellin | August 2nd, 2014

It’s been 1 year, 1 month, and 8 days since the last time I’ve been on this website.
Recently, one of my closest friends told me that my injuries were awful. I still can’t see it. People have said rude comments, and someone even started drawing on my scars. It’s really pathetic how much all of these things hurt me, and I hate it.

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self-worth(lessness)

Posted by blueray | August 1st, 2014

My self worth is tied to getting a job and I don’t know how to change this. I am struggling to hang on, be patient and not get discouraged everyday. It is tough and I am getting depressed more every day that goes by and I get another rejection or nothing at all. I am an educated person with experience and I can’t even get noticed. I know competition is tough, but I thought it would be easier than this. I am an introverted person too, which doesn’t help matters – especially when it comes to ‘networking’. But I do try. I feel that my efforts are a waste. I feel my education has been a waste. I am working part-time right now just to get some money. I recently saw some of the people I graduated with (who now all have jobs), as well as a person who interviewed me (then rejected me) a few months ago while I was working. It took everything in me to wait until I got to the bathroom to cry. I just feel so inferior. I know it’s not their fault and I know I can choose how to react and what kind of attitude to have, but it is difficult to remain positive.

I recently saw some family and all they wanted to know was what job I had or was getting. Not about how I am doing, how my life is beyond that, but only about a job -as if I am not worthy unless I have a job that compares to what other members of my family are doing. I feel like such a loser (for lack of a better word). I feel stuck and not moving forward in life. I worked so hard for my education, and I feel like I have nothing to show for it, and those that are hiring don’t appreciate it. I feel stupid, embarrassed and ashamed. I should be doing more with my life at this point in my life and I am not, and everyone can see it and I feel like I am getting judged for it. I sometimes get so bitter and discouraged SI seems like a reasonable outlet to take out my frustrations because I feel like the position I am in is all my fault and it all comes back to punishing myself for where I am at. I know SI won’t help or change anything, but sometimes I feel as if SI gives me what I deserve.

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So much change.

Posted by goldenscribe | July 31st, 2014

There’s been enough change in my life that I almost don’t have time to SI. But then I do.

I had to move majors slightly within my grad program to reflect what I’m actually interested in (not drastically, but enough. I have another year here and that will be it for my program.) I am still a baby in a lot of ways; the youngest in my program; still trying to do twenty things at once and not learning my limits, and then dropping back and feeling like I’m taking it so much easier than the rest of my peers. When my parents came to visit and told me what a great job I’ve done this past year, I almost fell apart. I feel like literally nothing I do is enough for the big leagues, and like it’s always going to be that way.

My regular therapist is leaving and so I have to find a new one. I saw one at the health center and she tells me I need antidepressants and that I have “depressive disorder not otherwise specified but in the major category.” I am going for a second opinion tomorrow. I am sure I have some form of depression, but I do know it’s not MDD.

But I don’t really know how to manage my time apparently. I try and then I just don’t feel like getting up until I’m ready to get up. And I still don’t know how much I can handle, and I have to wonder when I’m ever going to figure that out. Thinking about it stresses me out, and that’s what leads me to this. But like, I shouldn’t even be stressed! I should be this perfect little angel who has it all together all the time or else she’s nothing. I don’t buy that success can be defined in so many different ways. If you’ve gone in so many different directions then what substance do you really have?

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I don’t know what to do

Posted by barista.steph | July 31st, 2014

I came so close to self harm this evening, for hours the idea has been taunting me but I just know it won’t help. I just know it, through years of trial and error and trying to make it a part of my life, it just won’t help. So now what. I just drank a little, actually only a very little which surprises even me, and to help me relax a little so I can sleep. I still don’t I will sleep. Our landlord said she wants the full $800 for rent tomorrow, for JULY rent. I don’t have it! I don’t physically have the money because I don’t make that much money and the truck driving thing has been such a scam but she can’t quit now-if she quits now we have to pay $4,000. So $800 by tomorrow. I sucked up my pride and asked my father, because he has the money, out of desperation, trust me it’s the LAST thing I wanted to do. He said me and one of my dogs can come live with him. I have a very sweet pitbull that he likes, my other dog is a spaz but she’s my family and I adore her and my cats are all old I’m not abandoning them! I felt like that was such an insensitive thing to say. I don’t expect my parents to help me, and if I had been irresponsible and this could have been avoided then I’d be less resentful but I am full of resentment tonight. I’m 27 and should be able to pay my own yes, but he has the money and no way could we have predicted this all playing out this way. I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m scared to be evicted. I will send the $300 that I have to her tomorrow what else can I do. If I looked like my sisters maybe I’d sell my body for money. I’ve been praying a lot, that’s all I know to do at this point. Right now tonight that’s all I’ve got. My chest hurts and my head hurt from stress. This is the worst financial situation I’ve ever been in and I’m scared.

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