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This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Posted by barista.steph | July 19th, 2014

I’m going through a rough time right now and I need to talk about it. My partner got a job where she will be traveling a lot and going into it it was supposed to be three weeks apart and four days home. It’s been three weeks, we found out yesterday it will be another full 6 weeks before she can come home for THREE days. I’m so angry at this company. Everything they’ve said has been a bunch of lies AND the pay will be half of what was advertised. I have drank some since she’s been gone, but I’ve been careful to not drink to cope. Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had on a long time, I didn’t want to drink or get high but I was so stressed out about money and how we will pay rent for this month and next month and if we get kicked out where will we go with all our pets and my sick elderly cat needs to go to the vet and my car is acting up and all these bills and work is decreasing my hours and I’ve hanging on just by a thread. I feel like I’m treading water by praying to god a lot and exercising and not drinking when I know I shouldn’t and not self harming. I’ve been just feeling the feelings and not fighting. My anxiety is so hard to handle right now. I was extra hormonal yesterday and usually I have my partner on days like that-the days I wake up and automatically feel suicidal, and she’ll hold me as long as I need and that helps. But last night was my first REALLY hard day alone and I hugged my pillow and cries for what felt like hours. The ugly cry, wailing and exhausting. I’m just trying to have a little faith that this hard time will pass and we will be ok. That I will be ok, that my anxiety will lessen. Before my big cry last night, I considered self harm, I got a tool I keep by bed to my body to remember what it’d feel like and then I just stopped because it brought me no comfort and no peace. I didn’t want to do it, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore-I want to take care of myself and I’m glad that I think I’m worth that much now. I miss her a lot and I miss my therapist and I miss my parents.

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help? Advice? im new here…..

Posted by Bvb_Chick. | July 8th, 2014

There are some things you should know about me..I am going to high school, ninth grade. I easily make friends and everyone thinks im such a happy teen but that couldnt be farther from the truth….things are getting better now but because of what happened in the past, im getting worse. When i was really little i lived with my grandma and i thought she was my mom…then i was taken from her so i could live im America with my mom and dad…it really hurt. When my parents were together my dad used to verbally abuse us and my mom and used to hit us. Then if that wasnt bad enough, i was molested by my brother…i was six years old when it started eight when he stopped…i just figured it out and i am disgusted with myself…i started S.H when i was 8 but started to use stronger methods and weapons when i turned twelve. I need help……please…..

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Any Encouragement?

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | June 30th, 2014

Okay, so this has really been bugging me lately and I want to know what anyone out there has to say on this, particularly those of you who are married. Who is going to want someone with all of these self-inflicted scars on her? What kind of person is going to want to marry a person who has, well, all of that?

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job searching

Posted by blueray | June 28th, 2014

I am feeling rejected, dejected and without purpose. Job searching is taking its toll and it is hard for me, who did not have much self confidence or self esteem before, to maintain some level of self-compassion. I just got rejected once again..and for something I really wanted. I feel hurt and discouraged more and more. I feel the shame too. I come from a family who sees someone’s worth and identity by what they do for a living and how much money they make. Well, I am not doing well in either of those categories. I care too much about what they think of me. I care too much about what others think of me. And I compare myself to others way too much. I allow it to make me feel worthless and stupid. The other night I felt myself on the verge. Not only did I have an urge to SI to punish myself for being turned down again, but I felt so lost and hopeless wondering why I was even existing. I think it can be somewhat difficult for most people to continue to pick themselves up after getting repeatedly turned down, but for those who struggle with depression and low self confidence it is even worse. I find myself praying and begging God for help, but I continue to lose faith, and that makes me sad and angry too.

I know I keep repeating myself, but I need to write this. I want to talk about it, but after the first time I express my feelings, most people don’t want to continue to hear it. I am not sure how much longer I can take the rejections, but I can’t stop looking for a job. I am desperate to have a purpose and start moving forward. I just am having a lot of trouble picking myself up and not punishing myself for feeling like a failure every time an opportunity slips away.

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Old music

Posted by XxAnchorzxX | June 21st, 2014

Meh listening to music I used to listen to last year feels like I haven’t listened to it in forever :( like I’ve changed so much in just one yea it’s insane like last year I was very depressed and going though a lot of self harm and suicidal thoughts and heart break. Now, I’ve gotten better and I don’t self harm as much, I have a new amazing boyfriend who loves me for me and it’s just amazing living :) the only problem I have is my weight. I was so skinny last year and I loved it, I loved the way I looked to be quite honest, actually I didn’t last year I thought I was too fat but now that I’m gaining more weight I’m looking back and thinking “what was I thinking?” I was perfect weight but some people say I was ¬†too stressed and going through a lot to that I didn’t pay attention and that’s why I was losing weight. I don’t know but still just thinking back I’ve changed a lot. Listening to certain bands or songs makes me think of it all, like some songs from Bring Me the Horizon or Oasis or even Scary kids scaring kids. They all bring back memories of my best friend Seth who I miss¬†tremendously. ¬†They also bring back memories of S.A.FE. and how much I miss it there. Though when I think about it, I know they would be proud of me, like REALLY proud of how much I’ve progressed.¬†

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You are not alone.

Posted by aland | June 18th, 2014

I have started a meeting for people that self harm. Everybody is welcome!! Its every Friday from 7:00 p.m to 8:00 p.m at St. Georges Church in Laguna Hills CA. The address is¬†23802 Avenida De La Carlota, Laguna Hills, CA 92653. The meeting is based off of Alcoholics Anonymous and is very small at the moment and could use support!! I’m really trying to get something going. I self harmed for five years and on November 1st I’ll have been free from self harm for two years. If you have any questions please ask!! Thanks

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Someone please help…

Posted by mcs1986 | June 16th, 2014

I am 29 years old and have been injuring for 7 years now. ¬†Back in the winter, it got out of control. ¬†I sought help from my pastor and his wife. ¬†My pastor’s wife is like a mother to me- an amazing mother. ¬†She and her husband are moving across the country to follow the Lord’s calling. ¬†I cannot handle this- I need her influence in my life… I want to injure. ¬†Yesterday was 4 months of no injuring. ¬†I don’t even care- I want to injure. ¬†I am hurting so badly…

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I don’t know what to feel anymore.

Posted by Azrael | June 16th, 2014

I started injuring to relieve sadness and to punish myself but now, I only often do it to feel pleasure. I think I do it to ignore all my emotions and I do remember saying that I’m sick of having such emotions. I was more reserved and lonely before I started talking a lot more to people, but now, I guess I miss being cold, emotionless and cynical. I think I miss the time when I didn’t really care about anything. I’m a good student at school, getting top grades from the rest of the year. Yet, I always still pressured to do better at everything. I’m a perfectionist and “everything-must-be-improved” person. I’ve had the best grades in comparison to the majority of my year. And so, people have high expectations of me. I’m also quite sensitive to criticism, even though it is not meant personally by the critic. To get more to the point, whenever I disappoint someone by not achieving their preconceptions of my abilities, I do feel… I don’t know… worthless and I see myself as stupid. At home, my parents expect me to get the highest grades as much as possible. And so, when I do get something lower, for example, a “B”, they will be disappointed and I then feel the pressure to do more.

Another thing that may be affecting my state of “depression”, may be due to the fact that lots of my friends are leaving the school and moving somewhere else, this adds to the fact that my boyfriend is also leaving, in just 3 weeks. This year has been the only year in which I truly opened up to my friends and enjoyed myself a bit more. And now that they’re leaving, I feel lost again. I did kind of imply that I hated company at this time, but now realising how fast I’ll be losing all of them at once, I just can’t imagine my life without anyone to trust and share my emotions with.

To add, I’m also leaving the school, supposedly in a month, and I’m expected to know what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve always faced that problem but I guess this adds more to the pressure. Another point is that my parents don’t understand why I’m crying when they bring up the subject of me potentially leaving school. I don’t understand why they can’t see that I feel sad about it. The thing is, I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. I often went home to lock myself in my room and just do my homework. I find my father: lazy, selfish and childish, whilst, I see my mother as a raging witch. They’re both hypocrites and don’t really care much about my social life. They’ve implied that I was not allowed to have one. They’ve complained at how much time I’ve been spending with my new-found friends, when I’ve spent the past 5 years not socialising and cooping myself up in my room playing computer games. I was not allowed to have a boyfriend. But now I do, and I’m scared of what they’ll do.

As for the injuries, they were minor at first but they developed to more. I often feel like a want to break down in tears and start screaming whenever someone brings me back to my sense of reality, or when someone asks what’s wrong. But I close myself up and decide ¬†to keep it all in, as I believe that this person will only be judgmental and will think that I’m just crazy. As you can see, I also have trust issues which also adds to the difficulty of sharing things with others. I often distract myself from my sadness by simply enjoying more time with my friends and my boyfriend. But now that my parents are starting to prohibit these actions, I don’t know what to do.

Well, I’m rambling and I shouldn’t really spread my life story… but it helped in letting most of it out. I find that writing things down is a better way for me to express my feelings, as I’m not good at verbal communication. :/

Thank you for reading this,

 

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Thoughts and Feelings

Posted by blueray | June 10th, 2014

I am struggling with how I am “supposed” to feel or how I “should” feel. I am still in this period of transition in life and I am feeling very lost. There was an opportunity I interviewed for. I haven’t heard anything so I am assuming and preparing for the rejection once again. Rejection for me is a huge deal since I take it to heart and feel that I am not worthy and not good enough – because if I was I would have been chosen. And this is not the first time this has happened lately. As punishment I think about SI. It has been quite a struggle to deal with and I am feeling rather discouraged, down and depressed about things. However, I look around and see how fortunate I am. Although this is a good thing, in the midst of my darkness I only am harsher toward myself. I feel guilty for being depressed about this one thing when really I should be thankful of all the other things I do have. It is a spiral and I feel myself allowing it to take hold. I no longer feel like I have the control to keep myself afloat. I find I am choosing darkness. I feel so lost with this rejection. I don’t know what to pursue now and am desperate for direction. I am hoping for a movie like scene in which someone will approach me, or I’ll see something that will be the light bulb moment for me. That moment where I just know what it is that I need to do. Do those moments exist out of the movies? It also doesn’t help that it is summer now. My skin is a constant reminder of all that I have been through and done. All the times I didn’t choose to look at my blessings but only what I felt was wrong.

I am glad I can hold onto my spirituality at least. Sometimes it is that one piece I can cling to to really keep me from going further down that hole. Part of me would love to embark on a spiritual retreat or some sort of journey that offers the opportunity for clarity. I had that opportunity recently, but I failed to embrace it – yet, another thing to feel guilty about. So now I want another chance. But perhaps I don’t deserve it.

As I write this I can’t help to question if these words of mine even deserve this space. I am blessed and feel I don’t have the right to feel down, sad, angry or depressed. But I decided that I can’t keep these thoughts to myself for the time being. When I start to imagine the SI more and start forming plans, I know I need to get some of the thoughts out somehow.

1 Comment »

Posted by broken_butterfly | June 8th, 2014

Honesly.. I really need help to stop injuring… I stopped for a good three months and now am back to my bad habbits.. Can someone help me.? Please.

-Kat

-Broken_Butterfly.

 

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