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This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

addicted

Posted by vicki | September 15th, 2014

I have become addicted to self injury. ¬† The doctors have told me they have never seen it in someone my age,¬† or¬†with anyone with my intelligence level. I have spent over a month on a surgical unit then spent 2 weeks on a cardiac unit finally I was moved to a general medical unit for another 10 days. ¬†It was a very hard time and all because I self injured. ¬†But that incident hasn’t stopped¬†my injuring. ¬†I’ve gotten to the point that I am scared literally to death of myself. I have tried every form of therapy I have ever heard of. I have been in EMDR, CBT, ETC, TRADITIONAL PSYCHOTHERAPY, PSYCHOPHARM LOGICAL,¬† completed one DBT program and now in another DBT residential program-this is my third time in this program in 4 years. It’s not like traditional residential programs. There are mandatory groups and individual therapy, but the living arrangements are different. There is one 5 person group home, 1 building with 12¬†individual apartments and a few clients live in their own apartments-sate lite¬†(not owned by the program)¬†in the community. The clients who live in the 1 building with the 12 apartments live by themselves-no roommates allowed-but there is a staff 24 hours a day in an office on the first floor. Staff are responsible for anything to do with the¬†medication for only the clients who live in the building. This program really is my last hope. The program isn’t time limited-one client has been in it for 5 years and staff¬†haven’t even¬†started discussing¬†¬†her a discharge date. Like I said earlier PLEASE DO NOT ANYONE TRY SELF INJURY and IF YOU HAVE ALREADY TRIED IT-STOP BEFORE YOU BECOME ADDICTED LIKE ME and GET HELP, BEFORE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH¬†ANY OF WHAT I HAVE! Well message back If you comments or suggestions/recommendations. Bye for now Vicki

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feelings of guilt

Posted by blueray | September 14th, 2014

Among all the difficult emotions I have been having lately, guilt seems to be creeping in very fast. And this guilt is becoming almost obsessive and I can’t turn it off. I just think about all these past things that I did wrong. For instance, several years ago I told on someone (they were doing something against company policy) and ultimately after an investigation was done on this person they lost their job. Although I know I did not make the decision to fire them, my telling started the series of events. Yes, this person was doing something against company policy, but honestly it wasn’t anything bad. I feel so guilty about it today. I was young then and I guess if I realized the impact my words would ultimately have on this person’s life I might have made a different decision. I think I feel so guilty about it now because this person was out of a job. Now that I am searching for a job and know the pain and struggle that comes with that, I feel horrible about how I impacted this person. I do know that this person did eventually get a new job and moved on with his life, but I can’t help but think how my decision changed his life and the struggle I might have caused.

My guilt is staring to spiral. It starts off with something small with something like accidentally spilling something, to the event described above, to more deeper issues. Recently, probably due to being depressed and anxious, my thoughts go back to my childhood. I will be seeing of the of people who abused me soon. Whenever we see each other we act like nothing happened. We are nice to one another and talk about the weather or something superficial. It has been many years since the abuse, but when I am around him (and the other person who abused me) I find myself feeling so guilty. I have tried to understand where this guilt is coming from. I think I have tried to downplay the events of my childhood so that I can go into these encounters with the individuals and not feel the trauma all over again. At the same time I also feel guilty for my decision to tell when I was a child. Authorities got involved and it was a big mess (though ultimately nothing ever came about with it – nobody got in trouble, except for me). Maybe part of me believes that since no one got in trouble that what really happened was not a big deal. When I made the decision to tell then I impacted people’s lives – forever. Though no one got in trouble, those events always hang in the air and I feel guilty for causing those people pain and inconvenience – as confusing as that sounds considering what they did to me. I hate to inconvenience people, or cause others pain. I try to be a good person, but sometimes I don’t think about all the consequences of my words/actions. When the things I do negatively impact someone else I find it almost impossible to forgive myself.

This guilt gets so intense that I feel the need to punish myself over and over again. SI was always that form of self-punishment. I am trying to be more mindful and really thing about how I am feeling, why there is this need to SI and what other ways I can handle it. But sometimes the guilt just feels so intense that the automatic response is SI. I don’t want to deal with this guilt along with all the other things going on right now. Any suggestions on how to deal with guilt (and shame)?

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Neglect

Posted by lovemenow | September 9th, 2014

I grew up unaware that other kids ate as much as they wanted, got the attention they needed, and were not yelled at for asking questions. I realized just a few years ago that the childhood I experienced would of been considered neglect. My parents have since then apologized about the lack of care I experienced and have tried to make it up to me and although I don’t blame them anymore I am still uneasy about the whole thing. I find myself struggling to death with the after effects of neglect and it makes me want to relapse and si again. Has anyone had a similar childhood experience? How do I deal with it?

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needing Ideas Please

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | September 8th, 2014

I just found out that one of my friends is going through a really hard time, her sister has been diagnosed with cancer. This friend has been there for me through a tremendously difficult time in my life, and even if she hadn’t, I would feel as I am feeling right now: this desperate urge to just want to do something for her. I know that I can listen, but does anyone have any other ideas of some things I can do for her?

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Unwinding a whole bunch of bunk

Posted by goldenscribe | September 7th, 2014

I took a break a bit from schoolwork yesterday and wrote down pretty much all the incidents I remember that could have made me the way I am/influence how I interact with others.

What I do have to wonder, though, is knowing all of that……….you do have to move forward. And some people simply refuse to change or apologize, even though that change and apology is really what you as a person need for closure from them. But how is it really possible to move forward if I can’t let go of the anger, solely because that anger has been beneficial to me in more ways than it has harmed me or made me hurt myself? And some things you just have to stay angry at, because you don’t know any other way to be about them?

The obvious solution would be to kick some people out of my life, I feel. But when they’re related to you, and saw you grow, you can’t exactly do that. Also, there’s no guarantee that putting new people in your life is going to make the situation any better, and I’m someone that really does operate on guarantees and deadlines. Everyone has problems.

I don’t even know. Am I just supposed to become a hermit? Am I just supposed to accept when people screw up and forgive them all the time when it is not in my nature to do so?

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Posted by Thoughtspiller | September 5th, 2014

I just got off the phone with my dad. ¬†I feel like a horrible horrible person. ¬†For once I stood up for myself and all I want to do right now is cry. ¬†I feel like I hurt his feelings, and I plan on saying the same thing to my mom when I see her. ¬†But I don’t know if I can do it again. ¬†My parents have been fighting like none other for the last couple of months. ¬†I felt like when my dad finally found a job again they wouldn’t fight as much. ¬†Now its been a couple months of horror. ¬†Either they scream at each other, throw me in the middle and I get to listen to both sides of the fighting, or they give each other the silent treatment. ¬†2 months ago I came home from school and my dad had left. ¬†He said he wasn’t coming back. ¬†After I talked to him (at 12 a.m) for two hours he finally came home. ¬†Its just been one issue after another. ¬†Here I am, working full time, going to school full time (at two different schools at that) and trying to stay has healthy as possible with my own issues, and I have to deal with this every night I go home. ¬†Last night I worked so hard making an amazing dinner for my family for football kickoff. ¬†I didn’t get so much as a thank you from my dad who sat there and gave my mom the silent treatment. ¬†Apparently he suddenly hates my aunt now, so when shes there hes quiet. ¬†COOL. ¬†Now theres one more person I love who is on his list that he doesn’t want to talk to. ¬† So today when he called, I finally told him to fix his relationships. ¬†That I was done trying to help them. ¬†They would see less of me until they figured out what they wanted to do with their future cuz I couldnt handle the fighting/silence anymore. ¬†I mean, I’m not a child, I understand adults need to fight it out sometimes, but I still live at home, I shouldnt have to deal with their fighting on a regular basis!!! No ones happy. ¬†Both of them are miserable (I know because I get the hour long phone calls daily about one of them complaining about the other). ¬†But I’m tired of pretending to be happy in front of everyone, but going home and being miserable. ¬†I just cant do it. ¬†I dont want to hurt them, I could really sit here and cry (at work, awesome!). ¬†I don’t even know. ¬†I wish I could afford to move out, but with all my debt from school, I really CANT. ¬†I’m 25 years old with a bachelors degree and I can’t afford to live on my own. ¬†I lead a great life huh? ¬†Ive been SI-ing much more lately. ¬†I just dont want to handle anything anymore. ¬†Its just easier to let off the steam for a lot of whats going on with SI than deal with it. ¬† I cant deal with all the extra stress. ¬†Here I am in grad school, helping other people (which I’ve gotten many compliments on recently surprisingly) yet I cant keep my own life together. ¬†Im falling apart at the seams and no one sees it. ¬†No one realizes I am a MESS. ¬†All I can think of is of hurting myself, just to let off some steam. ¬†Ive been trying to do things I love like reading, but I just cant focus. ¬†I’ll go through a chapter and realize I have no idea what I just read. ¬†Like, whats happening to my mind? Why am I spacing out so much? ¬† I should probably get help. ¬†I cant keep hurting myself. ¬†But the part thats really hard is the fact that when its others (outside my family) I can keep myself separate, I can help them and not let it hurt me. And for a long long time I was able to do it with my parents and just ignore it. ¬†But when I get sucked into this mess I just cant anymore. ¬†The thoughts of giving up and running away come more often than not, but of course that isnt any option. ¬†I just dont know anymore. ¬†I still feel like a horrible person for what I told my dad, and now have to go tell my mom. ¬†Ugh, wish me luck I guess. I dont know, I should get back to work now.

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My Son’s SI?

Posted by ProfQuantum34 | September 4th, 2014

I recently discovered that my son SI. When it first came out about 3 months ago, he told me he would stop, it wasn’t a big deal and he did not need to go for therapy. However, I noticed recently that it appears he has begun again although he clearly lied to me when I confronted him about it, claiming he hurt himself while running through the woods. It was a bad lie from the beginning but he stuck with it, desperate for me to believe it. He is still adamant against therapy and although I don’t want to introduce more stress into his life, I believe this is something he obviously needs. Do I force him to go regardless of his wishes, in spite of any negative connotations this might produce for him? I really need some third party advice!

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Struggling

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | August 30th, 2014

Right now, I am wishing I had never handed my tools over. I have spent the last two days feeling both angry and anxious, and I know why. I need to confront someone, and I hate doing that sort of thing, it makes me anxious and the person has hurt me so many times, which has caused my anger. I am worried I will get desperate and find some other tool to use. Then again, maybe not. Maybe I am strong enough not to go looking for something else after all. Instead, I can pray and make myself some tea. Yes, I will do those things.

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the grass is greener…over there

Posted by blueray | August 26th, 2014

I continue to struggle…I am still trying to find a suitable job and it is taking a toll on me. The part-time job I do have takes time, and the time I do have I struggle between taking time for myself vs. this desperate need to do job searching activities. There hasn’t been much interest in my applications which has been very discouraging. I am depressed and feel the sting of rejection, loss of purpose, and anxiety over money everyday. I try to hold it together, but the other day I snapped. I had to wake up early for my part-time job, but I haven’t been able to sleep well lately, so I was very tired. I was so tired, depressed, angry and feeling so hopeless I had this urge to be destructive in this fit of rage. I am so terrified that in that moment I might hurt someone or something else, that I always take it out on me instead. I ended up SIing. I wasn’t sure what else to do.

Another thing that I find is not helping is I am comparing my situation to others who I graduated with. Many of them have jobs now and are moving forward with life. FB has been a place I can’t even venture to lately. I just see all the smiles, words of congrats to people achieving great things while I sit here in tears. I pray everyday, and although I find my faith wavering, it is the only thing I find gives me some sense of hope – perhaps God can help or at least help provide me some patience and direction.

I am not sure what to do anymore. I feel the depression is getting worse- and I know it is situational. But how can I improve my situation without finding suitable employment. I feel so lost and desperate and I am regretting some of my choices everyday for they have gotten me to this point. Why can’t I find something that I can be proud of and share my good news with others. It’s hard to be happy for others when I am struggling everyday with just getting through a day without sobbing. I continue to tell myself I am blessed, that I do have a lot, despite wanting more. But I can’t help compare with those that are like me – they are able to get good jobs fast, find friends, lose weight, etc… I know looks are deserving and no one has it all together, but I the more I compare the more I feel myself coming further apart.

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Posted by healing | August 24th, 2014

I want to write about how well I’m doing. I did the laundry, I made a meal. I haven’t done anything bad in over a week. Circumstances are harrowing– would be for anyone. It is objectively difficult, and I am navigating. I’m proud of myself.

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