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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

dont know what to do

Posted by hunnybear6 | March 2nd, 2015

I am on here trying to just have someone to talk and help me find other ways to not self harm myself I trying everything and just not working for me been up and down for the past month or two I cry and don’t¬† know why I don’t know what eles to do

 

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I don’t know what to do.

Posted by am866 | February 22nd, 2015

I haven’t hurt my self since 7th grade, its been a couple years clean then right back into it. My family doesn’t know and i don’t want them to because they would be so ashamed but i need someone, anyone to talk to about this.

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Family Doctor

Posted by pepperpeter33 | February 18th, 2015

Friday i have to see the family doctor on a check up and he will notice my injuring and am scard about what he will do. i just started to injure again after 10 yrs of not injuring. I just hope my doctor is understanding of it and wont flip out.

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Im so stressed

Posted by megan_123 | February 15th, 2015

Tomorrow will be a month since the last time i self harmed. Im in online school and i have to ask for an intention to get all my work down. The pressure from not self harming is not as much as i thought i would be but it isn’t helping. Ive finally been gaining back trust with my second mom and the family but i don’t feel like i deserve it. I feel like at any second i could break it or do something stupid even if it could be breaking a nail. My head is spinning everywhere. 2 days ago i looked up my “ex” Facebook and i said everything i wish i could tell him and when i told myself i was a beautiful strong person i cried. I don’t think i believe but i said it out loud for the first time. But tomorrow will be my on month annervisery for not self harming. The longest I’ve gone is 3 months so I’m aiming for that again. Im trying my hardest to stay clean and it can be extremely hard. I was told by my consoling agency i have to change soon because its like a crisis consoling agency so its a 9 week program and i can’t get an extension useless theres immediate crisis or conser for pretty much for self harm or suicide. Im not sure how to feel about all of it. And i hate that its valentine day. My ex is a scizo drug addict how used me and gave me scars that my family hasn’t seen and never will. He’s the one who helped me when i first ran away. He introduced me into drugs and sex and he made me into a sexual play toy w/o me realizing it. Ive been thinking more and more and i want to message him and just yell at him and get it off my chest but i don’t know if i can or not. And I’m alone for valentines, the messed up part is that i talk with my ex-ex boyfriend and me and him have an awkward friendship like we are friends but only because he feels like he would be mean if he wasn’t friends with me. Idk thats my rant‚Ķ..

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what it’s like inside my head

Posted by healing | February 11th, 2015

I need to record this:

It went- super angry at therapist- feeling unsafe- urge to act dangerously. A week of building anger, and more and more urge.

That’s the important part- remembering the sequence. I think that if I ever get that messed up again it might be wise for me to look for anything I might be angry about- entirely possible that I generally don’t feel safe when I feel angry. And that when I don’t *feel* safe, I really want to perform not being safe.

This isn’t as important:

Then he *really* patched it up-

T: Let me ask you this, are you angry at me?
Me: I mean, I said I was when I came in here.
T: (small laugh) Well, I wonder if it feels safe to be angry at me?
Me: (confused, stunned expression)
T: Because I am Sure that it’s safe to be angry at me.

I’m sure we did more than that. We talked about recommitting. About recommitting every minute if that’s what it takes. And about how there’s only one of me- the same part talking to me gets to decide about your behavior.

And then I just started feeling better. And today, still, amazing to feel better.

Scary:

It sort of felt good though- to be seen in that very raw position. To be in the way of relating where I am totally broken down, all cynicism is put aside- more earnest and deeply intimate. It’s something no one sees. (‚Ķ..but maybe a place we all have?‚Ķ.)

Is the goal to be there without having to be broken? Intimacy, that’s what we all want out of life, right?
He felt far away and hard to access, that’s why I was angry. There’s stuff there, too.
I thought I didn’t want to be close to anyone.

‚Ķbut also that isn’t real intimacy in a way because i really feel gagged and unable to speak when I feel broken- at least when I face it- when I don’t just shove it and carry on.

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Posted by healing | February 8th, 2015

This is what’s going on. I have been doing well. Well enough that I sort of forgot about feeling vulnerable. I know about certain vulnerabilities– hungry, tired, sick, intoxicated. I’m developing some others that can go on own personal list- cold/icy weather, cold apartment, every now and then prementral stuff, any sort of interruption therapy routine. I feel like I’m coming back. I got off. Two weeks of no therapy, some intoxication, icy on the ground. It got harder to feel like one steady person. I can generally take for granted that I can keep myself safe these days– and I did keep myself safe through the hard time– it just took some conscious effort. I’m starting to feel better again now. Had a relatively easy weekend. I took good care of myself- got myself special food, took myself to an easy, nurturing yoga class.

But the issue of the moment is that I had been planning on taking a 5 week class that starts at the end of the month. I looked now and it’s almost full and I haven’t yet registered. I have some big work projects right up ahead that are likely to leave me a bit stressed. I have to do taxes, I know the cold weather will still be here. Wise mind tells me that I am not up additional stress. But the class doesn’t start for another couple weeks and maybe I will feel more sure footed then. I had a difficult couple weeks and I don’t feel sure footed now. The class would be interesting and labor intensive and I’d have to stay awake a bit later than normal. And it and work project would compete for time, which is going to be stressful. Nothing is as important as my health and safety. It is not healthy to have additional stressors right now. And not healthy can lead to not safe. I shouldn’t sign up for the class.

That doesn’t feel good. 5 years ago it was a miracle I could get myself to therapy. Then it was a miracle I could leave an abusive relationship. Then it was a miracle I could speak fluently. Then it was a miracle I could hold a job. So I can see that I am steadily progressing, big time. There’s no urgent need for me to finish the certificate program I’m working on. It might help future job prospects, but I adore the job I have now. I know I’d learn stuff in the class that I would use routinely in my job.

‚Ķ..but I’ve gotten accustomed to not having to consider my mental health as the main factor I make decisions around- because I am basically just strong enough that I don’t have to do so anymore. But I bump into sadness- a thin sadness over a big pit of loss over not feeling up to taking on anything more- not feeling strong enough. Knowing I need to keep just working on resting right now. It had been feeling like an identity problem to be feeling vulnerable- it’s just not the *me* I am used to these days. If I don’t take the class now I won’t be able to for another year. Maybe it’s snowball-y thinking to tell myself that I don’t know what will even be up in a year- maybe there will be something preventing me then too. ‚Ķ.And I could push myself to just take it now. But last week I got close- couldn’t take safety for granted. And I did great. Nothing but steady progress.

I need to find a way to think of not taking the class as progress, rather than a set back. Progress to honor myself and nurture myself, recognize my needs and tend to them. Career doesn’t actually matter. Learning fun stuff doesn’t really matter. Keeping myself well matters. ‚Ķ.and getting to a point of feeling vulnerable is an opportunity not to fall backward and relive, but to reflect on progress.

I just feel really sad that I’m not up taking it on right now. It’s probably really good to let myself experience that sadness, rather than trying to push through. I think that sadness lies atop a well of sadness, though I’m not sure where the sadness is coming from I feel it gathered in my throat.

When I started writing this out I didn’t know if I was going to sign up or not. Now I suppose I’m not.

Does everyone need special care? Is there something wrong with me? I feel a lot of shoulds- I _should* be able to‚Ķ. I have diagnoses. Do they actually mean I’m not as capable as other people? ‚Ķin some ways I know I am more capable than other people,,,, And I know I’m strong as hell. And I know I have lived a lot of life and survived a lot when not all the people around me did survive.

It’s hard to know how to think of myself. But I know there are times when I need to prioritize self-care. And I know that that is just a practical strategy- has nothing to do with right or wrong- just has to do with what works. And believing, and acting on the belief, that my well being matters.

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Please give me advice

Posted by galdinog | February 4th, 2015

I have met this girl over the Internet. I met her by trying to help her with her depression. We eventually decided on a plan: for her to tell her 26 year old brother, and for them to tell their parents together. A month later, we’ve become great friends. I really care about her and we love each other very much. However, she still has not followed through with our plan. Today she admitted she self-harms. I had no idea what to do. What I ended up doing was making her promise me that the next time she has the urge to self-harm, she would tell me. I also gave her a deadline. I gave her ten days to tell her older brother about her depression. The goal is for her to get professional treatment. I was wondering if what I did was right and what else I should do. Please help me. Thank you in advance.

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Posted by healing | February 4th, 2015

I am really grateful that I can have space here. I am grateful that I can can make space for myself. I am grateful that I realize I have too much going on. I am grateful that I can see that I want to ram through it all and all and just hurt myself to keep myself going. I am grateful that I can see how hurting myself would temporarily tend to the emotion. I am grateful that I see I am frustrated by not being able to take on as much as I want to. I am grateful that I know hurting myself will backfire. I am grateful that I am in the process of hiring people to help take some tasks off my shoulders. I am grateful that one hire is going smoothly. I am grateful that I know I am stressed by needing to train someone tonight. I am grateful that I can see it has effected me that he canceled twice. I am grateful that I have already decided not to give him another chance. I am grateful that I do not have to do things I don’t want to. I am grateful that my boss will be at work today. I am grateful that he likely will not need surgery. I am grateful to see that it is stressful to cover for him. I am grateful that I am starting to feel calmer. I am grateful that money is ok. I am grateful that I am physically healthy. I am grateful that my bed is comfortable. I am grateful to be warm. I am grateful that I can remind myself that it’s expected for it to be hard on me when the world is frozen. I am grateful that it didn’t happen until late in the season. I am grateful that I can type easily. I am grateful that I should have a calm day at work today. I am grateful that I know I am stressed by the mice. I am grateful that I can get brave enough to try and kill them again. I am grateful that I do mind them– that’s much better than not caring. I am grateful that I have coffee. I am grateful that coffee exists. I am grateful that I am taking take for this outlet. I am grateful that I can stop using substances and see if that makes things better. I am grateful that I will be around people today. I am grateful that I have a routine to do, to carry me. I am grateful that I can see a glimpse of how most of the press on me–I am the origin of that pressure. I am grateful that I can work on letting up on myself. I am grateful that I know sometimes are just harder and that they change. I am grateful that this too will pass.

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I Messed up

Posted by msfratelli | February 3rd, 2015

I had to delete everything I said because it was way too negative. I know I can vent and all, but I don’t have to be such a downer for everybody else. Basically, what I said minus all of the super depressing stuff in the middle is that I screwed up. I hurt myself and I don’t even feel bad about it. I’m certain I will later, but all I really feel now is the urge to do it again. I didn’t do it tonight just to make that clear and I’ve been up all freaking night distracting myself and I’m exhausted.

What’s really freaking me out though was how I felt right before I hurt myself these last couple of times. I wasn’t panicky, I didn’t feel desperate or angry, I was just really calm. I felt empty and numb and I guess I feel like that a lot and then I get upset and cry or something, but I didn’t this time. I just walked over to where I had my tool and hurt myself. It didn’t even feel real. I woke up the nexr morning and it was almost like I didn’t even do it. And then I just did it again. It was almost like I did it just because.

I don’t know it that’s the norm for other people, but when I usually hurt myself it’s usually the classic case of overwhelming intense emotion that I don’t know how else to deal with. Like I’ll panic or stress over something or start shaking or something right before. This time it was calm, but I guess the usual element of self-hatred was just performing at a more tame level than usual. I don’t know if this even makes any sense, but the whole thing was just strange for me.

I think it was that my past couple of weeks have just been so stressful and overwhelming that it caught up to me and even though I’ve been trying not to hurt myself or say anything, it just happened anyway; it just happened in more suppressed manner if that makes sense. I’ve been pushing and cramming and shoving everything down and walking around like a shaken soda bottle ready to burst open, and what happened the other nights I think was a little bit leaking out the cap. I think I should probably talk to somebody. I think about it all the time, but I guess that’s not the same thing as really doing it. It just seems so daunting and scary.

By the way, I do feel bad about hurting myself now just like I said I would earlier. ¬†I feel really terrible about it actually. I really do need to talk to somebody you know. It’s just a matter of time until I really do burst open. What then? Who knows. I hope I never find out.

Goodnight and best wishes, I hope the best for all of you :)

P.S. Sorry if none of this makes any sense at all, it’s like 4:16am and I’m struggling to finish this as soon as possible because I have school tomorrow/today.

 

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so…

Posted by megan_123 | February 3rd, 2015

Ive ¬†been wanting to write for a while now but haven’t gotten the opportunity. A lot has happened this year.. I lost my virginity,started self harming June, had domestic violence with my biological mom, started living with my now guardian, ran away,got involved with drugs for the first time and a boy that completely messed me up and I actually have scars from, went into a mental hospital…twice and now I’m back home. Now I’m trying to give ¬†up self harm. I’ve tried multiple things to give it up but I’m just now starting to learn what works. It’s been 19 days today. Tomorrow’s going to be my 17th birthday…I’m not looking forward to it at all…my life has changed so much. I’m kinda rambling. Wow I just wrote some personal stuff but I rather write it here than in my journal. I’ve been cleaning from injuring for 19 days but I’ve done some piercings in that time and want more. Well that’s for my ramble.

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