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This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

angel

Posted by deamon_inside | March 26th, 2015

Hi im angel..im 13 and i have tried suicide..i watched this movie in my therapy group…i got triggered but at the same time, i went home and through out my tool, but i am stoll injuring and i need help…

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Idk

Posted by Thoughtspiller | March 23rd, 2015

I dont know why Im here right now. ¬†I just got back from vacation. ¬†I had a decent time. Ive spent all morning in bed this morning, not because I’m depressed or anything, but Im just relaxing for once. ¬†Taking the day for me. ¬†I want to SI. ¬†Really bad. ¬† Actually I have wanted to a few times, even on vacation. ¬†I didnt take my tools cuz we flew (thats not important i know). ¬†But idk. ¬†I just dont know what to do. ¬†I dont want to be constantly thinking of si, wanting to si, constantly thinking of food, worrying about over eating, just going back to my eating disorder. ¬†I relapsed about 6 weeks ago with my ED. ¬†I dont want to go back there. ¬†I see the physical harm from the ed. ¬†I dont even know why im here right now. ¬†Its been months since i posted.

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Call for Subjects: Title: Emotion and Self-Injury Study at UBC (Canada)

Posted by drlader | March 11th, 2015

The Personality, Emotion, and Behaviour Lab in the UBC Psychology Department is conducting a study on the emotions, thoughts, and experiences of people who have struggled with non-suicidal self-injury in the past six months.

If you are interested in participating in the study, contact us for more information at: PEBL@psych.ubc.ca or 604-822-6252.

To be eligible, you must: 1) be age 19 or over, and 2) have engaged in non-suicidal self-injury (intentionally harming yourself without intending to die) in the past six months.

All information you provide will be kept strictly confidential. You do not need to provide any sensitive personal information (e.g., mental health history) when you contact us.

The study will consist of a 1 hour session, where you will do a short computer task and fill out questionnaires. You will receive $20 and parking or transit reimbursement for your time.

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Reseach: Call for subjects

Posted by drlader | March 11th, 2015

A University of Massachusetts Dartmouth study on how online content depicting non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) may either trigger or not trigger self-harm is seeking participants who are at least 18 years old to fill out a brief (approximately 15-20 minutes) online survey. Your participation in the survey will contribute to a better understanding of how the influence of NSSI content may change based on both individual and media differences. The survey is completely anonymous, and upon completion one dollar will be donated on your behalf to the Self Injury Foundation. If you would like to participate, please click on the link below. If you have any questions, please feel free to email either Patrick Geuder at pgeuder@umassd.edu or Elizabeth E. Richardson, PhD at elizabeth.richardson@umassd.edu.
Survey Link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZB7KWR7

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dont know what to do

Posted by hunnybear6 | March 2nd, 2015

I am on here trying to just have someone to talk and help me find other ways to not self harm myself I trying everything and just not working for me been up and down for the past month or two I cry and don’t¬† know why I don’t know what eles to do

 

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I don’t know what to do.

Posted by am866 | February 22nd, 2015

I haven’t hurt my self since 7th grade, its been a couple years clean then right back into it. My family doesn’t know and i don’t want them to because they would be so ashamed but i need someone, anyone to talk to about this.

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Family Doctor

Posted by pepperpeter33 | February 18th, 2015

Friday i have to see the family doctor on a check up and he will notice my injuring and am scard about what he will do. i just started to injure again after 10 yrs of not injuring. I just hope my doctor is understanding of it and wont flip out.

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Im so stressed

Posted by megan_123 | February 15th, 2015

Tomorrow will be a month since the last time i self harmed. Im in online school and i have to ask for an intention to get all my work down. The pressure from not self harming is not as much as i thought i would be but it isn’t helping. Ive finally been gaining back trust with my second mom and the family but i don’t feel like i deserve it. I feel like at any second i could break it or do something stupid even if it could be breaking a nail. My head is spinning everywhere. 2 days ago i looked up my “ex” Facebook and i said everything i wish i could tell him and when i told myself i was a beautiful strong person i cried. I don’t think i believe but i said it out loud for the first time. But tomorrow will be my on month annervisery for not self harming. The longest I’ve gone is 3 months so I’m aiming for that again. Im trying my hardest to stay clean and it can be extremely hard. I was told by my consoling agency i have to change soon because its like a crisis consoling agency so its a 9 week program and i can’t get an extension useless theres immediate crisis or conser for pretty much for self harm or suicide. Im not sure how to feel about all of it. And i hate that its valentine day. My ex is a scizo drug addict how used me and gave me scars that my family hasn’t seen and never will. He’s the one who helped me when i first ran away. He introduced me into drugs and sex and he made me into a sexual play toy w/o me realizing it. Ive been thinking more and more and i want to message him and just yell at him and get it off my chest but i don’t know if i can or not. And I’m alone for valentines, the messed up part is that i talk with my ex-ex boyfriend and me and him have an awkward friendship like we are friends but only because he feels like he would be mean if he wasn’t friends with me. Idk thats my rant‚Ķ..

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what it’s like inside my head

Posted by healing | February 11th, 2015

I need to record this:

It went- super angry at therapist- feeling unsafe- urge to act dangerously. A week of building anger, and more and more urge.

That’s the important part- remembering the sequence. I think that if I ever get that messed up again it might be wise for me to look for anything I might be angry about- entirely possible that I generally don’t feel safe when I feel angry. And that when I don’t *feel* safe, I really want to perform not being safe.

This isn’t as important:

Then he *really* patched it up-

T: Let me ask you this, are you angry at me?
Me: I mean, I said I was when I came in here.
T: (small laugh) Well, I wonder if it feels safe to be angry at me?
Me: (confused, stunned expression)
T: Because I am Sure that it’s safe to be angry at me.

I’m sure we did more than that. We talked about recommitting. About recommitting every minute if that’s what it takes. And about how there’s only one of me- the same part talking to me gets to decide about your behavior.

And then I just started feeling better. And today, still, amazing to feel better.

Scary:

It sort of felt good though- to be seen in that very raw position. To be in the way of relating where I am totally broken down, all cynicism is put aside- more earnest and deeply intimate. It’s something no one sees. (‚Ķ..but maybe a place we all have?‚Ķ.)

Is the goal to be there without having to be broken? Intimacy, that’s what we all want out of life, right?
He felt far away and hard to access, that’s why I was angry. There’s stuff there, too.
I thought I didn’t want to be close to anyone.

‚Ķbut also that isn’t real intimacy in a way because i really feel gagged and unable to speak when I feel broken- at least when I face it- when I don’t just shove it and carry on.

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Posted by healing | February 8th, 2015

This is what’s going on. I have been doing well. Well enough that I sort of forgot about feeling vulnerable. I know about certain vulnerabilities– hungry, tired, sick, intoxicated. I’m developing some others that can go on own personal list- cold/icy weather, cold apartment, every now and then prementral stuff, any sort of interruption therapy routine. I feel like I’m coming back. I got off. Two weeks of no therapy, some intoxication, icy on the ground. It got harder to feel like one steady person. I can generally take for granted that I can keep myself safe these days– and I did keep myself safe through the hard time– it just took some conscious effort. I’m starting to feel better again now. Had a relatively easy weekend. I took good care of myself- got myself special food, took myself to an easy, nurturing yoga class.

But the issue of the moment is that I had been planning on taking a 5 week class that starts at the end of the month. I looked now and it’s almost full and I haven’t yet registered. I have some big work projects right up ahead that are likely to leave me a bit stressed. I have to do taxes, I know the cold weather will still be here. Wise mind tells me that I am not up additional stress. But the class doesn’t start for another couple weeks and maybe I will feel more sure footed then. I had a difficult couple weeks and I don’t feel sure footed now. The class would be interesting and labor intensive and I’d have to stay awake a bit later than normal. And it and work project would compete for time, which is going to be stressful. Nothing is as important as my health and safety. It is not healthy to have additional stressors right now. And not healthy can lead to not safe. I shouldn’t sign up for the class.

That doesn’t feel good. 5 years ago it was a miracle I could get myself to therapy. Then it was a miracle I could leave an abusive relationship. Then it was a miracle I could speak fluently. Then it was a miracle I could hold a job. So I can see that I am steadily progressing, big time. There’s no urgent need for me to finish the certificate program I’m working on. It might help future job prospects, but I adore the job I have now. I know I’d learn stuff in the class that I would use routinely in my job.

‚Ķ..but I’ve gotten accustomed to not having to consider my mental health as the main factor I make decisions around- because I am basically just strong enough that I don’t have to do so anymore. But I bump into sadness- a thin sadness over a big pit of loss over not feeling up to taking on anything more- not feeling strong enough. Knowing I need to keep just working on resting right now. It had been feeling like an identity problem to be feeling vulnerable- it’s just not the *me* I am used to these days. If I don’t take the class now I won’t be able to for another year. Maybe it’s snowball-y thinking to tell myself that I don’t know what will even be up in a year- maybe there will be something preventing me then too. ‚Ķ.And I could push myself to just take it now. But last week I got close- couldn’t take safety for granted. And I did great. Nothing but steady progress.

I need to find a way to think of not taking the class as progress, rather than a set back. Progress to honor myself and nurture myself, recognize my needs and tend to them. Career doesn’t actually matter. Learning fun stuff doesn’t really matter. Keeping myself well matters. ‚Ķ.and getting to a point of feeling vulnerable is an opportunity not to fall backward and relive, but to reflect on progress.

I just feel really sad that I’m not up taking it on right now. It’s probably really good to let myself experience that sadness, rather than trying to push through. I think that sadness lies atop a well of sadness, though I’m not sure where the sadness is coming from I feel it gathered in my throat.

When I started writing this out I didn’t know if I was going to sign up or not. Now I suppose I’m not.

Does everyone need special care? Is there something wrong with me? I feel a lot of shoulds- I _should* be able to‚Ķ. I have diagnoses. Do they actually mean I’m not as capable as other people? ‚Ķin some ways I know I am more capable than other people,,,, And I know I’m strong as hell. And I know I have lived a lot of life and survived a lot when not all the people around me did survive.

It’s hard to know how to think of myself. But I know there are times when I need to prioritize self-care. And I know that that is just a practical strategy- has nothing to do with right or wrong- just has to do with what works. And believing, and acting on the belief, that my well being matters.

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