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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

right now….

Posted by smudge1 | April 14th, 2014

I want to SI soooo badly.  Is anyone out there????  I am screaming into the wilderness.  I feel so alone.

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Posted by smudge1 | April 13th, 2014

ive been SIing forever. It must be a hundred years by now. I have had SI-free periods but I am really struggling lately. ¬† It makes me wonder if I will ever be free. SI changes everything.¬† It makes me wonder where I’d be now.¬† Maybe with a spouse and kids.¬† Then again, I’d hate to pass on my genes to some innocent person so maybe having kids would not have been the best idea.¬† I’ll leave that one up to fate.¬† I have someone special in my life but we cannot be together as he is married.¬† If I were able to be with him, I wonder if I’d have the strength not to SI.¬† I would trade every moment of SI to be with him.¬† Unfortunately the SI is all I will have.

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Posted by healing | April 13th, 2014

My 12 step sponsor just broke up with me. It freaks me out but I’m also relieved. Though feel nervous about talking to her. She left me a voicemail then I left one for her. What I am doing with the anxiety coming here and writing it down. I am really doing better and better all the time, with some troubles and recoveries and that happen on a faster time line than they used to. 12 step was so helpful to me at a time, but now I experience it mostly as stress- pressure. If I invert it on myself I will tell myself that it’s my fault that experience it as pressure. But that is adding pressure to pressure. I see more and more that the way out of knots is to relax, not to tighten more and ram through. I suppose 12 step was even good at helping me understand that, though I have not “arrived”…. I am experiencing pressure- and my experience counts. I don’t know that I really have much experience with relationships ending- at least not ending without dramatic happenings. So this will be different. And I am scared. I tried to tell my sponsor that, in DBT terms, working program was coming up as a should, not a want. And I have a million shoulds and need to tone them down. I suppose that’s its own little language and way of looking at things– but, to me, the DBT stuff is the instructions on how to *be* and my relationship with my therapist is very much primary in getting healthy, recovering. She wrote back to me that there are no shoulds in Al-Anon and that it was about whether I wanted what program had to offer, and if I wanted it I’d do the work to get it. It felt invalidating of my experience and she was hung up on her way of looking at things. Here- with two programs colliding I feel like I have no self but dbt/therapy is what I cling myself to. I don’t like the feeling of disappearing, but I do like that I feel safe with a program of self-care instead of clinging to a person who is bad for me and having no self there.

There are parts of my life that are still just so sensitive. And I have new experiences of managing all the time. Last week I made a mistake at work- I’m really not fire-able- but I was expecting my boss to be very angry. Shockingly, he wasn’t – at all. But when I went in early to try and fix things I made a trip to get supplies and was so full of feeling like I should be punished. Then walking down isles where I could buy tools. I didn’t do the behavior- but I thought about, instead, what I could buy myself that would be really nice to me instead. It was interesting. Calmed me down. And confused me. I’m confused about punishment. I guess that is the way of trying to resolve tension with more tension. But that’s the basic of how children are taught, how the whole society works. I don’t really understand though why it doesn’t seem to work too well on myself. I don’t know that it works well anywhere. And it makes zero sense that I would do something bad then reward myself. I don’t get it. ….And then too I could see a bit more of what happened that led to the mistake. I got way out of it in therapy the day before and was too un-relaxed and rebellious at the same time and doing something I knew I shouldn’t and feeling race-y and exhilarated by it and I screwed something up. Not quite a mystery. Where that rebellion needs to go is to insisting I have a self and I matter to my mother. I need to stick up for myself. It’s really, really hard. All week I’ve been sort of avoiding it and planned on working on an email today. (How not to experience the need as pressure…) I’ve been really nice to myself today. I got my first ever massage, which was scary and brave and feels like a new thing is open to me now. I bought myself some spring clothes, which I could totally afford. I bought more dental floss and mouthwash- dumb stuff like that- I’ve been out for a couple weeks and somehow freeze up on tiny self care things like- buy more. All of this to be nice to me and help me relax and work on the email- which will probably be all of four sentences long. Then the thing with my (ex)sponsor. I still haven’t writing anything to my mom. Maybe I’ll do it at the laundry mat. I was supposed to work on it with my therapist but it will be easier on my own- at least a draft on my own. And I need to tell my therapist something – I need to tell him- no exploring feelings around this incident- just focus on behavior. I can get through it like that and once it gets any broader I’m just lost and non-verbal. But I don’t even know how to tell him that. I’m confused all about protecting myself. My mom wrote my son a letter about someone who molested me, basically encouraging a relationship between them. When I write it out that seems pretty bad. I feel totally defensive of her. Totally denigrating of myself. I do really believe (I think) that I don’t have the right to interfere in other people’s relationships. Once I actually got the letter (I knew it was coming in advance) I actually felt better. I told my therapist- see! I’m not making it up. He said, who said you were making anything up. I guess I don’t know. He said that his message has been the opposite- that I am minimizing. I missed that message. I can’t wrap my head around anything. I feel like I led my mom on that I was going to let this person into my life. I did that by not standing up for myself more any of the past times she’s tried to get me to “make up” with him. He pov seems so totally reasonable to me. But my therapist says that that’s emotion mind when I see things her way and it’s emotion mind because there isn’t any logic there. ….Anyway – I don’t want to talk to my sponsor about any of this and 12 step is just wrong when people repeat the stuff over and over that you don’t get better if you don’t work the program. Wrong about not making meetings causing backslides. Backslides are generally caused by some not-fair instance in my life. I get closer to having just normal people problems. I loved, kind of, being stressed about a mistake at work because it’s just so banal and wonderfully simple of a thing to worry about. The only real problem is the urges toward self harm that happen in response to it- and those too I learn from, get better with. …. I think I can tell my mother that I am surprised by her letter. I feel like I should be angry, but I’m not. All of that is just directed toward me. But surprise is something I can work with…….

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Should I Tell Her?

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | April 13th, 2014

So I have this really good friend who does not know about my self-harm. Lately I have been debating on telling her though because we have just become really close and open up to each other. She is good at keeping secrets, she has never told anyone anything that I have told her. I don’t know, does anyone have any thoughts?

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anyone there???

Posted by imnotcrazy | April 13th, 2014

Hey everyone. I dont know a lot about this cite or how often it is checked. Just want someone to talk to that understands :-)  my email address is:


Please feel free to email me at any time :-)  I would be happy to talk to you! :-)

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Posted by smudge1 | April 10th, 2014

Thank u for your post. I am just learning my way around the site and have not figured out to post a reply to u. It is nice to “talk” to ppl who understand. ¬†As I’ve mentioned I am currently struggling with a SI flare-up. My psychologist suggested I try to find a place to chat with others Who’ve shared my experience. I’ve been SIing since high school when things with my parents started to fall apart. this was/is one of the few SI sites. I also have bing eating disorder and tried the ED sites but don’t feel comfortable sharing my SI issues. Spring is here and it’s time for shorts and short sleeves. What bad timing for a flare-up (as if anytime is great). I realize that’s sounds pretty twisted. R ther moderators on this site? ¬†How long have u been on it?

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Question about this site

Posted by smudge1 | April 9th, 2014

Do you have to be a client of SAFE in order to post?

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New to site.

Posted by smudge1 | April 9th, 2014

Ive been SIing since high school and I am in my forties now. Any suggestions for scars?

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Wicked Witch of the West Coast

Posted by painchangedme | April 8th, 2014

Yup, that’s my mother. The Wicked Witch of the West Coast. She is insane! I am frieken 18! She took away my phone! Are you kidding me? I am so sick of living here! It never ends. Her comments, her hurtful name calling! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of all the pain and torture. I’m so sorry mother that I didn’t turn out as perfect as you ok? I’m a good kid! I haven’t SIed in over a year. I make great grades! I take lots of college classes. I date nice people and yet, I am still an unraveling terrible teenager? What the heck?!?! Just because I hang out with people who aren’t up to your social standards, doesn’t mean they are bad people. I swear to goodness it’s like she only wants me to be friends with people who are of our faith. I’m sorry, but even I’m not that judgmental! Why can’t she trust me for once in my life? I called the Suicide hotline today because of how distraught I was, but before I could talk to anyone she asks me what I’m doing, so I hang up and tell her I just want to be alone. So what does she do? Moves somewhere else and watches me. Really? So I had to go into the bathroom and fall apart in there. I swear there is no privacy or trust in this family. My sister is gone and doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. “Your sister is making good decisions.” Well no duh! She is not in a cage anymore and not being strangled by a leash! 4 months! 4 more months and I’m gone! I might even move out after I graduate. (I am seriously considering it). I want to SI, but I don’t want to prove her right. Someone please give me some sort of help or advice!

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never again

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | April 8th, 2014

I am never expressing my concerns to a person directly ever ever again! I have just had it with being ignored when I express genuine feelings about something! Last week, I had emailed someone with some concerns, and I found out today that someone else had also sent an email last week to this same individual, all mad about
something. He got a response, but I didn’t. That is rude, and totally just unacceptable. I tried to be as
nice as I could be. You know what? I’m just done. I’m done telling a person directly what I think, I’m just done doing it! So if someone has a problem with me, they are never going to know it because stuff
like this always happens. I either get ignored or get jumped on. So what is the point of expressing myself, even in a nice way, if that happens? That is exactly why harming myself is better. It’s always better to harm myself than
to say how I feel about anything. Always. And when I was going on and on about it to get my anger out of my system, my roommate at first agreed with me. But then she just sighed and seemed kind of annoyed as she told me to “let it go, nothing can be done about it”. That doesn’t help! Because that sounds like something my mom would say! Now I’m even angrier! Because apparently I’m wrong for being angry, I should just get over it! I just feel like crying. I just hate it when things like this happen, and I feel so stupid for being so worked up like this, but this has happened way way way too many times in my life.

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