Blog

This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Step 1

Posted by tryingtochange | April 24th, 2015

Well first I would like to say that I am new to blogging and any kind of therapy; but I want to change. I’ve known for awhile that I need help!!! Let me start by¬†telling a little bit about myself. I am 22 years old, I¬†began injuring when I was 11 years old two years after the event. It was easy to hide in a family of 7 there was really no¬†one on one time with anyone. So I went three years¬†without telling anyone and just slowly wasting away. Playing sports, making sure my grades were¬†up to¬†par, keeping my parents happy, and harboring the event¬†became more and¬†more stressful.¬†It all became to much and I took what was left of¬† my bottle of medicine.¬†It wasn’t enough it¬†I didn’t even pass out, I got sick for like two days got very sick nd sweating out of control.¬†¬†I haven’t injured in 5 years but now I’ve moved on to another type of S.I. This method is more discrete and doesn’t allow anyone to have any sort of suspicion. IDK! For some reason it makes me feel better. Almost like forcing all the crazy thoughts of my mind. My boyfriend of 5 years has been my rock in this changing process but I know that I cant allow my change to be surrounded around him because GOD forbid we break up I will spiral out of control and it isn’t healthy for our relationship either so that leads me to this. How do I STOP the thoughts and STOP the S.I????? Any advice will help.

No Comments »

down the rabbit hole

Posted by losinglosingit | April 23rd, 2015

i’m 30. ive been using self-harm to cope since i was 11. i injure in multiple ways and do other random things to cause myself pain. i get so frustrated and half of the time i really do just want to curl up and quit. im tired of everything. life isnt fair, and i know it isnt supposed to be, but no matter how good i do or what positive changes i make, i still always seem to lose. i lose everything and everyone. my whole life it seems i have been punished for things i didnt do. i try to keep faith and hope, knowing that i havent done whatever i am being accused of and waiting for the truth to prevail, but it rarely does. the women in salem knew they were innocent, but at the end of the day they were still killed on the stake. thats how my life goes. i know im good, but what does that matter if the rest of the world doesnt and treats me accordingly? i keep losing.

No Comments »

at a loss

Posted by myRoo | April 20th, 2015

Background:¬† I am the mother of¬† an intelligent, charismatic, ¬†funny, outgoing,¬† ¬†good looking 25 year old young man.¬† His dad and I have been married 31 years, and¬†we also have a 17 year old son.¬† We all get along very well.¬† ¬†He has his BA in Economics with a¬†minor ¬†in Business, with a goal of one day¬†owning his own restaurant.¬† He¬† has been unable to secure a job in his field due to¬†a lack of 3 years experience, which¬†seems to be a requirement for the jobs he has been applying for.¬† ¬† For the past few years he has been working with patients¬†suffering from¬†Traumatic Brain Injury.¬†¬†The pay in this field isn’t near what it should be, and meanwhile he is paying¬† on his student loans.¬† ¬†He is a kind and compassionate person.¬†He is searching for employment in his field.¬† Yesterday his girlfriend of¬†two ¬†years told me in confidence that he, on occasion, becomes overwhelmed with the struggle of it all and will self injure. ¬†It started 10 years ago when he was wresting in High School and was frustrated by his performance.¬†¬†¬†It ¬†has happened several times since then, apparently both when sober and¬†after having consumed alcohol. ¬†¬†¬† I am heartsick.¬†¬† She has encouraged him to talk to me, or someone, and he has said he would, but has not as of yet.¬† He is embarrassed by this behavior, she said.¬† Do I confront him?¬† Wait for him to come to me?¬† The consequences are daunting, and he could potentially end up like one of the people he takes care of!¬† I don’t understand…He runs, does yoga, loves music, anything outdoors¬†and ostensibly ¬†loves life.¬†¬† I believed he had good, healthy coping skills.¬† ¬†I was shocked and saddened to find that wasn’t the case.¬† ¬† Can anyone give me suggestions?

1 Comment »

step of desperation

Posted by bria | April 15th, 2015

Crisis lines magnify my anxiety and shame and I’m not ready for group therapy, but I need to say something, ¬†I need a response because I’m afraid of what I’m doing to myself.

I don’t know what, if anything, ¬†I expect to gain from this but it’s better than giving up right?

I am lonely, ¬†but I’m surrounded by people who love me and want to see me better. My boyfriend tries so hard but I have personalitydisorders that inevitably cause me to push him and others away. ¬†I don’t know what feels worse; not having someone but wanting the company, ¬†or having someone who loves me only for me to self sabotage with all my irrational reasoning.

Yesterday was my 29th birthday and I still feel as insecure as I was when I was 12 y/o and beginning a cycle of self harm. With the emotion running hight the past two weeks,  I engaged in the SI behavior today.

To clarify, July ’14, ¬†I moved to a new city to be with the person I love thinking it was a grand romantic gesture. A fun new adventure. ¬†It wasn’t the sole reason but an incredible motivation to think I found love. Yet, 10 months later, I am basically friendless, ¬†took a less pay and fewer hours at my new job, and am in unfamiliar surroundings.

I’m currently in weekly counseling sessions but it’s the in between time that is the worst. My mind and imagination become an oubliette, it feels so dark, deep and inescapable.

No Comments »

so upset

Posted by mixed_emotion17 | April 13th, 2015

Idk why I joined I injured today and it made me feel alive like I’m not just dead to the world. I am having a hard time covering my marks up some gy at work noticed me. I really wish I knew why I feel like this I am sick and twisted I know this and I really just want to feel OK again.I want to feel alive like some one cares or loves me because I feel like I’m so alone. Injuring seems to make it all go away and I feel better. But then again who wants a girl with scars.

No Comments »

I need a buddy

Posted by bakerygirl12345 | April 8th, 2015

I am sure everyone on this site needs someone to talk to. But I really need someone who doesn’t mind me venting. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do don’t really want to hear about my all consuming habits or my many problems. I know, I have great friends. Either way, just looking for someone to talk to every once and awhile!!
Best,
Leah

1 Comment »

We move along

Posted by goldenscribe | April 7th, 2015

It has been October since I last self injured. Not going back to it and not taking up anything else bad, like other forms of self injury, is not easy.

I’m in regular therapy. I attended a group yoga session for the first time in months today. I am nearing the end of my degree program and will finish it sometime this summer. I am still waiting on word for PhD program, but since they are taking forever to tell me I am also sending out my resume to jobs just in case.

I’m beginning to realize it’s not that life magically gets permanently better, but that it gets better and then worse and then better and then worse again. It’s just that you need the coping mechanisms to handle the bad times that do not involve eating disorders, self-harm, smoking, substance abuse, and the like. It doesn’t make the problems go away to do yoga/deep breathing, go to therapy, or engage in work/school or story writing, or recite positive affirmations, or notice the beauty around you, or eat well. But it does make you better able to deal with life’s challenges. From the halfway point in undergrad, all I’d really been doing was just surviving. Here, I realized surviving is not enough. The most recent incident for sexual harassment I got over, mostly at least, in 9 months. But the parental stuff and the incident in childhood has taken much, much longer, as that really does impact how I live my life. Which makes sense. I buried the childhood incident for 13 years. I’m not going to get over it in one year.

I’ve had good therapists; I’ve had bad therapists. I was not crazy in thinking that the people I hung around were a huge influence on me, though I still maintain it’s my fault if I let them. To stop hanging out with the wrong people and start hanging out with the right people, and give new relationships a chance, is a challenge, but I think I can do it. My parents do lend a large part to my anxieties, particularly my mother. I think setting boundaries as I become more independent is going to be key here to keep me sane and all of us happy.

Yep. Time to go to bed now. :)

No Comments »

Loooonelyyyy

Posted by msfratelli | March 28th, 2015

I messed up last night and hurt myself and I really want to do it again, so I hope y’all don’t mind, but I’m just going to distract my self for a while and share a horrible poem I wrote forever ago. Thank you for giving me this space to clear my thoughts, here is said lousy poem:

May I ask a favor of you, love?

That depends upon the favor, dove.

To fight  away the cold tonight,

Will you wrap your arms around me tight?

If my answer is ever no,

And our love is naught but woe,

Look at me for a while;

Look until you smile.

But if a smile doesn’t come ,

And diminished is our sun,

Then I urge you to say

That you truly feel this way.

And I promise you now,

Should be bring each other frowns,

I will leave you alone,

And I will find a new home.

But if my answer is as now,

Then I won’t be leaving town.

I will stay forevermore

With the one that I adore

As my heart beats with yours,

Singing, “I am yours forevermore.”

Could you love me forevermore

If I were to be nevermore?

Washed up on a sandy shore,

Or poisoned by a deadly spore?

Could you love me if we were poor,

Working hours and hours more?

I will love you thick and thin.

If Death should take you, I’d drown in gin.

I’d mourn for you until my end;

My only love and closest friend.

Whether we live on the street or in a house,

Love will shower you in copious amounts.

You’re rooted deep within my soul,

Growing around my every bone.

If what you say is truly true,

Then let us sleep without further ado

All night we’ll sleep soundly through

And wake refreshed to the morning dew

We can sleep in our warm cocoon

Knowing in our hearts that you love me and I love you,

Singing, “Forevermore,” in a drowsy coo,¬†

“Forevermore, I love you.”

 

No Comments »

angel

Posted by deamon_inside | March 26th, 2015

Hi im angel..im 13 and i have tried suicide..i watched this movie in my therapy group…i got triggered but at the same time, i went home and through out my tool, but i am stoll injuring and i need help…

No Comments »

Idk

Posted by Thoughtspiller | March 23rd, 2015

I dont know why Im here right now. ¬†I just got back from vacation. ¬†I had a decent time. Ive spent all morning in bed this morning, not because I’m depressed or anything, but Im just relaxing for once. ¬†Taking the day for me. ¬†I want to SI. ¬†Really bad. ¬† Actually I have wanted to a few times, even on vacation. ¬†I didnt take my tools cuz we flew (thats not important i know). ¬†But idk. ¬†I just dont know what to do. ¬†I dont want to be constantly thinking of si, wanting to si, constantly thinking of food, worrying about over eating, just going back to my eating disorder. ¬†I relapsed about 6 weeks ago with my ED. ¬†I dont want to go back there. ¬†I see the physical harm from the ed. ¬†I dont even know why im here right now. ¬†Its been months since i posted.

No Comments »