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Today I had an anxiety attack and I broke down in front of a lot of people. I was at school and it was really embarrassing  Then I got in a fight with my dad and I got another anxiety attack. It took me about 3 hours of going in and out of sobbing to finally calm down enough that my hands aren’t shaking so violently that I couldn’t write. Tomorrow I’m getting my medications changed again. I’m on mood stabilizers and I’m probably going to get antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. I really don’t want more medications because I don’t want to not be me anymore, you know? I’m just a sort of wreck right now. I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn’t do anything (SI) before Friday. (We set goals, then when I reach that goal, we make a new one.) I have kept that promise well, but it’s a struggle. I’m having a hard week. I just need to sleep I think. I haven’t been sleeping well. I have so much homework I can’t sleep yet, but my dad says I have to go to bed at ten no matter what because he knows lack of sleeps makes my mood drop. I’m currently writing slam poetry. This has been an epiphany of mine. Reciting slam poetry, for me, has the same effects as SI used to be for me (only it doesn’t involve being hurt in the process. It’s healthier.) My therapist says she has never had anyone find an exact replacement that is healthy that is actually a good alternative and works. I’m pretty sure that there are things like that for everyone out there. Little passions that can help you through the day. Yours may not be the same as mine, it could be completely different, but I know that there is something for you. It will always get better. That’s what I’m telling myself even though today was awful. It always get better.

Trust me. It always does. Just get through today. Then get through tomorrow and so on. Eventually, it won’t be “getting through” the days anymore, it will be enjoying the day. It will get better.

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I wish sometimes why i do what i do to myself… I mean i work really hard in therapy. I do my hardest to be a great mother, and a great friend to my friends. But recently my sons father and i broke up after being together 11 years. It was hard for me but had to be done. I self injured and sometimes it just had to be done. I feel so alone sometimes. Like i could be in a crowd and be so alone. I am in a house with my parents and my son and feel alone. I love my family and i know they love me but noone understands what i go through sometimes.

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So I’d've been doing ok.  I’ve sied since I last posted but Ive already accepted it and moved on from my mistakes. I’m trying this new thing where I only worry about right now.  I don’t think of tomorrow.  I try to make it through one hour, then two, then the rest of the day.  It’s too hard to try to plan.  It gives me too much anxiety.  Granted for school work I plan ahead but as far as self care goes I guess.   I got a tattooI I did the placement over a spot I usually Injure. I hope this does t make me panic. Ive had a lot of urges today but I kept looking at my tattoo and reminding myself to be strong. That I meant something without It.  My family will kill me if they ever see my tattoo.  I’m terrified they’ll find out.  But then again I’ve sied there for years and no one knows by better sooooooo….idk.   Anyway.  I haven’t sied in a while and hopefully the stop helps stay a reminder to me. And it’s pretty ((totally off topic! ))

long days are to come so I need to get to sleep.  stay strong guys we can do it <3

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I really couldn’t help when i self injured. I didn’t do it for along time. I did really well then i did it one night and just couldn’t stop… I would do it every day for a week or so. Now my boyfriend and I of 11 years the son of my father broke up… I have so many mixed emotions… No one understands why i self injure. I feel like i am all alone in life.
I am in therapy and i feel sometimes like i let him down with me self injuring. I just worry about everyone. Its a big responsibility. I just need to know there is someone else out there that does understand and does self injure. I feel like i am the only one…

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What I am experiencing right now is a lot of anxiety. I don’t know what triggered it. And trying to figure it out makes me anxious. But I have seen it attach to thoughts – I think it just uses the thoughts as an excuse. I know was very worried about money- in an irrational way- my thoughts were saying that – so stressful- I was on my way to doom – when I am headed upward, in reality. Then I am obsessing – not feeling safe. Just like a magic took over and I had no power. But I can just stay still I’m my bed. If I don’t move nothing will happen to me. I would be the one doing something bad-
So if I’m still the bad thing won’t happen. I got unstuck and them I saw it: anxiety. I’m really scared. Like I’m in two time zones because there isn’t anything scary here. I feel really little

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Everything has led to this moment. My depression and self-harm has gotten to the point where I’m more than disgusted with myself. There is no one I can talk to, my own mother thinks I’m “faking” or doing it for attention. I would never fake it. I didn’t ask to be this way. I’m a disgusting person. Everything I do is wrong. I’m so sorry for everyone I have bothered, which I’m sure is a lot. I just want someone to care, I know that’s selfish, but that’s all I need. Please.

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So my many weeks of battling off thoughts of SI are over. I acted out on the urge tonight after a bad day and just having enough of everything. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of feeling alone. So, I injured. I don’t think it helps that I planned out the whole thing. By mid-morning, I knew I was going to injure myself tonight. I knew I couldn’t go one more day without it. I actually thought, as the time approached, that maybe I could hold out and not injure after all. But then I got all stressed out about some possible money problem that I was not expecting, so I was just done. Normally, I would have been able to handle that okay, but not tonight. Not the way everything in my life has been going lately. I had a bad experience several months ago that seems to have caused much of my life to make a lot more sense. Why I’ve always been so anxious all of the time. I always wondered why I became so anxious at age twelve. I could never figure it out. My family is full of anxious people, so nobody thought that this was a huge problem for me. However, I recently remembered a traumatic event that happened to me when I was twelve, and after this event, my anxiety spiraled out of control. My parents paid no attention to my anxieties, but instead, my mom spoke to me in this annoyed tone on a number of occasions, and my dad laughed once, as if to them, I was overreacting. So, I began to do whatever I could to protect myself. I repressed the event itself, never understanding why I was so afraid of people looking in at me through uncovered windows. Then, I remembered the event itself here recently while visiting my parents and now everything makes sense to me. Why I’ve always been so afraid of people seeing me through uncovered windows and why my anxiety got so bad after that. It’s not even the peeping tom experience itself that bothers me so much. The situation itself was handled properly, which I am grateful for. It’s the fact that nobody listened to what I was needing from them in order to feel safe after the event itself that I am dealing with now. Remembering this has reminded me just how terrible I must have been to deserve not being heard, and that I was nothing but a bother. So, now that I’ve been reminded of those things, it’s no wonder that I have struggled so much with self-hatred and the fear of bothering others even more so than normal, and why my SI triggers have been so bad.

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I always believed in ‘To Move On Is To Grow’.  That being said, since the beginning of this year I haven’t done a whole lot of moving on. I’ve had some really good experiences this year, But I have been extremely lonely and sad due to all of the changes in my life. I now know how a squirrel must feel when the see a car coming. Because out of No Where my life seems to have taken a turn. For the better? I’m not sure. There would have been a time where I would have undoubtedly said yes, but I am not a fan of letting people back into my life who I feel have hurt me so badly that I can’t get passed it. I haven’t had any luck letting my Once best friend back, I still don’t trust her at all. And as Far as the Once (and to be perfectly honest) Current Love Of My Life? Pretty much the same issue. On one hand Its practically been the only thing I severely wanted since this year started. On the other hand I feel like going backward in any way is a mistake.  Its unfortunately undoubtedly that I am a different person with him. Somehow I think that he makes me better. I  can’t really explain it but….I don’t know. I can see a difference in myself for the first time in years. Unfortunately I think sometimes that exploring life alone and letting the pieces of myself fall where they may might be a “safer” choice than just following my heart again.

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Okay, so maybe I have discovered something that I am not liking. I think I am starting to SI with food. I used to binge when things got tough. But now, I just don’t eat. My roommate has started to notice, and for some reason, that bothers me. I’m not anorexic or anything. I’m not afraid of gaining weight. However, I just fail to eat. I’ll wait until I’m absolutely starving, almost shaky with hunger, before I’ll eat. My roommate asked me today if I’ve eaten anything, to which I said yes. Not enough though, for my stomach still hurts from hunger. She told me that the other day, she noticed that I hadn’t eaten much, and it was four in the afternoon. She then asked me what I ate last night. I was super vague about it, but she finally figured out what I had.  Not enough to fill up anyone. She asked me if I was still hungry after that, to which I said no. However, that was not true. I was starving. I must emphasize that I am not afraid of gaining weight. It’s almost like I am just too depressed to care for myself. I’ve also been sleeping a lot, which I know is a symptom of depression. I just want to sleep all of the time, and would do so if I did not have other commitments. I’m also wondering if my food issues are what is keeping me from other forms of SI? Just some thoughts. I’m wondering if anyone out there has any thoughts on this?

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Today, I received an unexpected email from one of my friends who I am in a Christian small group with. The subject simply said: “encouragement note”. Wondering what this was about, since I had missed last week’s meeting, I opened it, and she went on to tell me that all of the women in my small group had written each other notes of encouragement last week and that mine was attached. I read the attached document and almost cried. Their words of kindness and encouragement meant so much to me and came at just the right time. Not to mention that two days ago, a friend of mine emailed me and said that he would call me sometime this week so that we could talk. I was not expecting that either, and almost cried then because I was so happy.

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